Thinking about the future

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 04-24-2014, 05:30 AM

Are you happy with her? And does she have the same financial values? Or is she willing to change? And what are her financial values?

Everything else is inconsequential. I couldn't marry someone who didn't share the same financial values, it would be too hard. Would I have married someone with debt? Yes. If I had met them at say 35 and they had tons of debt but was digging out. Or I met them and they changed their tune to digging out and saving.

The character of the person is more important than the money. I would never marry someone or be with someone who had a lot of money, makes or saved or inherited because of money. I also wouldn't be with someone who saves a lot necessarily because they save. There are other inherent factors and money is one.

People want general rules and there are none except are they a good person? Do they treat you and others with respect? Do they share many of the same values (financial, religious, raising kids, politics, etc)?

I've noticed after meeting so couples who are unhappy it's lack of compatibility and not necessarily about money. Kids, families, religion, etc.

**breathemusic** · 04-24-2014, 05:59 AM

I can't recommend any good books, but personally, I'd be less worried about the s/o asking you to do planning for them, and more concerned about whether they'll really be willing to stick to that plan.

It sounds like you 2 just need to sit down and have a conversation about finances. Right now, you're not engaged or anything like that, so the finances should stay separate. But given the fact that you've been together for a longer period of time and there is a potential future there, you still need to make sure you have the same financial values. There's zero point in you taking the time to help her work out a financial plan if she won't stick to it. I'd also suggest that if you do decide to help her with a plan, that's exactly what you should do, help her, not do it for her. If she's going to be able to execute the plan successfully, then she needs to understand what it is, know why it's a good plan, and agree with it. Don't just work up some numbers and give her the end result.

**autoxer** · 04-24-2014, 09:17 AM

Originally posted by auron View Post

My question is: how have some of you worked through the question if you are financially compatible with your SO?

We discussed it briefly when we met with the pastor before getting married, but we knew going in that she had no interest in managing the finances and I wanted to. She has always been frugal, while I started as a bigger spender, but we are drifting closer to some middle ground.

Originally posted by auron View Post

After writing those basic stats I'm not concerned about the student loans she would bring into a marriage, but there is a really large gap between our situations and think it warrants some planning.

If you aren't concerned about the student loans, then what are you concerned about? Spending behaviors?

**auron** · 04-24-2014, 09:40 AM

I don't really know what I'm concerned about at this point. I know that I'm very slow at making decisions and like to learn what I can from others (books, experience, etc) to devise long term plans.

The things I know: I love her, she loves me. She treats me very well and we have many of the same family and financial goals. I think we just have slightly different perspectives of how to get there. I think you guys are correct, I need to talk to her about it and we come up with a plan together.

**Eagle** · 04-24-2014, 11:47 AM

Originally posted by auron View Post

I don't really know what I'm concerned about at this point. I know that I'm very slow at making decisions and like to learn what I can from others (books, experience, etc) to devise long term plans.

The things I know: I love her, she loves me. She treats me very well and we have many of the same family and financial goals. I think we just have slightly different perspectives of how to get there. I think you guys are correct, I need to talk to her about it and we come up with a plan together.

What are some of the family and finanical goals you two share?

If you're looking for books here's some books that might help:

While marriage introduces another potential way to struggle with money by handling, sharing, and using what your spouse brings home, there is plenty of good informational literature on how to smoothly adjust to dual-incomes.

Couples and Money: A Couples' Guide Updated for the New Millennium
Victoria Collins and Suzanne B. Brown make it easier for couples to talk about money, and provide tips and worksheets to help their advice become instilled in your finances.

You Paid How Much For That? How to Win at Money Without Losing at Love
Natalie H. Jenkins, Scott M. Stanley, William C. Bailey, and Howard J. Markman focus on solving your financial problems together, in addition to spelling out sound money management skills.

Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Relationships
Olivia Mellan will start you and your spouse out with a quiz to show what kind of money handlers you are. She will also expose and dispel many of the old wives’ tales about money, and how it affects your happiness.

For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples
Ruth Hayden demonstrates money saving methods and an easy way to understand budgeting.

Til Debt Do Us Part: Marriage, Money, and How to Talk About It
Think you already know the worst money can do to your marriage? Read Julie Ann Barnhill’s account about what problems you can smartly avoid regarding money and marriage.

Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements
Arlene G. Dubin will break down the complications that may boggle your understanding of pre-marital financial agreements. She provides clear examples of how prenuptial agreements can work, and how they can fail.

You could also check out this post about how to view finances after being married.

**anaidaa** · 04-24-2014, 12:36 PM

Good financial planning made easier with a good budgeting program that identifies areas where you are spending money unnecessarily by keeping tabs on every dime you spend. We are mostly not keeping good track of our spending to see where extra money may be going.

**MonkeyMama** · 04-25-2014, 07:12 AM

Originally posted by auron View Post

The things I know: I love her, she loves me. She treats me very well and we have many of the same family and financial goals. I think we just have slightly different perspectives of how to get there. I think you guys are correct, I need to talk to her about it and we come up with a plan together.

Communication and talking is important. Just talk talk talk about it.

How are your perspectives slightly different? Is there glaring red flags in her attitude about finances, or do you just differ over semantics? Anything in the middle can probably be discussed and hashed out. My spouse and I seemingly come from two different planets, but at the end of the day our core financial values are very similar. When we differ, I find it's usually just semantics. The more we discuss it, the more we both realize we are on the same page.

I don't know what plans are with the debt, but tackling that together as a team will be easier than an individual approach. No one here will recommend combining finances before you get married, BUT you can start working as a team towards common goals. & you can start saving money to throw at those student loans. My spouse and I met early on in college and did not want to marry until we were done with college. So, we were engaged a solid 5 years. We did not have any debts or anything to work on in that regard. But we did live in a crazy expensive region, and getting into reasonable housing was a very long-term goal for us. By the time we married and graduated college we had already saved up most the 20% down payment for our first home. Of course, I contributed nothing to this because I was putting myself through college, and just happy to finish debt-free. Spouse was the one amassing down payment money, since he was like *15*. I don't think my spouse had any doubts about this. He knew I didn't have a free ride and the financial advantages he had, but he knew I worked hard and could live well on a shoestring. Which is what he did to amass that down payment. We were both working pretty much in the same manner; we just had different goals at the time. (My goal being to finish college. His goal was to take advantage of his free college situation to manage our long term housing costs). We did both decide to save 100% of our post college raise until we could get into a more reasonable cost housing situation. Which again, was before we married. I always felt that getting married was just a piece of paper, honestly. A lot of that might be that we worked for several years on some very substantial long-term goals, long before we ever married. The sooner you get that team mentality, the easier the transition to marriage will be. So I would definitely encourage helping her and getting involved with her finances. How you work together now will be an indication of the future. I'd think these are things you'd want to dive and and work through before you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone.

**Randomsaver** · 04-25-2014, 08:39 AM

$200K student loan is huge and jobs are no longer a sure thing moreso salary 2x the national Median but as Rebecca Fergusson says, "nothing's real but love".

**snafu** · 04-25-2014, 10:32 AM

I can understand SO asking for your input for financial planning since you are interested in this activity. I suggest you ask SO to pull her credit record and FICO score. I'm taken aback by $ 210K in student loans. Is this for a DPT of Physical Therapist? What interest rate? As mentioned, do not co mingle money. Should you co habit I suggest you each hold your own accounts with an 'expenses' a/c for rent, utilities, food, household purchases based on percentage of income which has future potential to be nearly equal.

Can SO work PT to be more self financing while finishing her program?

**Singuy** · 04-25-2014, 12:47 PM

To the OP, I was in the exact same situation 2 years ago.

I had a mortgage, no student loans, no car payments, and made a decent living.

The girlfriend is about to graduate with 167k worth of student loans, 95% of it was at 6.8% interest rate. I dated her throughout her optometry school so I knew what I was getting myself into.

She had the following qualities which made me trust her ability to take care of herself financially.
A. She was frugal with her living expenses throughout school.
B. She would borrow the max, but then gave what she didn't need back.
C. All her friends ended up with 210k+, so I knew she borrowed 50k LESS than her classmates.

Before marriage, we pretty much laid down how to start her repayments. I explained the following to her.

1. Extend the loan terms to 25years. You'll have a pretty good take home after loans, BUT you'll be 180k poorer after 25 years.

2. Pay it off in 10 years, you'll have a decent take home but you'll be 64k poorer.

3. Pay it off in 2 years and we'll take care of all your expenses, so we can be 180k richer in 25 years.

She picked option 3, 1.5 years in..she has 44k left!

210k of stuent loans is no joke. Student loans are the worst thing to payback because you literally get NOTHING for repaying it back (besides saving on interest)...which is why it lingers around for a lot of people.

Before planning on the repayment, you should focus on how 210k became to be first. Also see if she has friends who have good financial sense so they can motivate her to repay back the loans at a sensible rate.

My advice, after you are done with your loans by the end of this year, subsidise her living expenses and have her pay the loan off in 4 years. And do NOT get a mortgage until she has 50k left on her loans (if you guys got married).

**MakeAStash** · 04-25-2014, 02:41 PM

Spender or saver? In general

Spender + spender = lots of stuff, debt, work till you drop
Spender + saver = friction / arguments
Saver + saver = live frugally, retire early

Thinking about the future