Payoff house? Sell toys?

[feh]

Well, do what you want to do, as long as you understand you're argument is emotional, not mathematical. In my mind, it's really straight forward - if you have less money coming in, the last thing you should do is unnecessarily increase your expenditures (by paying off the mortgage).

I hope you and your wife will be able to get on the same page when it comes to finances.

[kyoko]

am so sorry that you are so stressed out that it is affecting your health! As much as I understand your feeling, stress is really bad and does not do any good for you.

I have sort of the same situation - just an opposite, I am a big saver and my husband is a spender... and isn't it true that many couples are like that - one is a saver and the other is a spender...

This is in my case, but it seems like also your case - our other half (spenders) are so optimistic, they don't see what we see, and not too worry about the thing we worry about, and that get us more stressed out. It is absolutely unhealthy.

I would recommend you to talk with your wife and express your concern. She may not understand your feelings, but unless you bring them out, she won't even recognize them. If you explain the reason why you want to sell your toys, she may understand it.

Also, please don't worry too much about your future. Worry is a bad energy, and unfortunately whatever you think - good or bad - will manifest in your life. You mentioned something had to change in order to make it to 2 years. Something may change! So please keep thinking positive and let it come reality instead. I found the more I think negative or focus on debt, we (mainly my husband) put more on the credit card. If I think more positive and less focus on debt, the debt disappears. It is very hard to explain, but the Universe seems to work that way.

Good luck!!

[bzbee]

Why are you only a person in the family who cares about the bills? Does you wife care about the bills at all? Maybe just choose one of the toys to sell and decrease the expenses too. Maybe postpone the vacation, or spend less than the $5000 she makes and wants to spend on vacation. I feel sorry for you, men.

[dojo]

I think something needs to be done with how wife sees 'your' money. For 2 years I've earned the most money in our house (as my husband's business is still picking up speed). He understands that it's mostly MY money that we use so he has the decency to not decide what we do and how. And he's done all he could to earn something, which is clearly more than wife does in your case

My thinking is simple:
1. She either STARTS WORKING - 5k/year is not work, sorry. If she wants to decide on money matters, she needs to bring in the dough.
2. if she's not willing to really make an effort to help you out, she needs to shut up. Sorry for being blunt, but it's absolutely shocking to me to see someone who's living off their spouse's paychecks get so involved in how said spouse is managing finances.

If you're not that strapped with money, I'd probably not sell anything. As long as you're well on your way to become debt free and still have some bucks if needed, you can let it 'flow' for a while and then decide on selling 'toys' if something really arises. Sure, if you get a great deal on one of them, I'd sell.

Main concern would be to start making the missus more interested in contributing towards your goals (by working) and less vocal about how money is managed in the household.

[scfr]

Compromise. Sell one of the "toys" ... Talk it out until you can agree which one you can both live without. And remember to cancel the insurance as soon as it sells.

In a year have a "do we really miss that toy?" discussion, and if you can both agree that you haven't missed it much, sell a 2nd "toy."

You want the mortgage gone NOW. She wants to keep EVERYTHING. It sounds like neither of you are going to get your way without a great amount of marital discord. It's not worth that.

Going through something like the "Finish Rich Workbook" as a couple might be helpful as far as getting the two of you on the same page.

For my husband & I, working together as a team is easily one of the top 3 reasons we've achieved a true feeling of financial freedom. We both are opinionated, independent thinkers who sometimes disagree, and I sometimes roll my eyes (when I'm alone, not in front of him) at the way he thinks about certain things, and I'm sure he has done the same, but we've NEVER stopped talking/listening/compromising.

P.S. - The school trip really needs to be cancelled.

[disneysteve]

Did I mention that during all this she goes and signs up my son AND herself for an overseas school trip next year? At a cost of $9,000.

As is so often the case, this is not a money problem. It is a relationship problem. The two of you are not communicating adequately. If you are sitting there worried about paying the bills at the same time that she's going out and spending $9,000 on a luxury trip, there is a serious communication problem.

You mentioned that she is detail-oriented. If that's the case, you need to both sit down and review the details. Show her why you're concerned. Show her how much money used to come in and how much is coming in now vs. the bills that you guys need to pay every month.

[moneybags]

I think something needs to be done with how wife sees 'your' money. For 2 years I've earned the most money in our house (as my husband's business is still picking up speed). He understands that it's mostly MY money that we use so he has the decency to not decide what we do and how. And he's done all he could to earn something, which is clearly more than wife does in your case

My thinking is simple:
1. She either STARTS WORKING - 5k/year is not work, sorry. If she wants to decide on money matters, she needs to bring in the dough.
2. if she's not willing to really make an effort to help you out, she needs to shut up. Sorry for being blunt, but it's absolutely shocking to me to see someone who's living off their spouse's paychecks get so involved in how said spouse is managing finances.

If you're not that strapped with money, I'd probably not sell anything. As long as you're well on your way to become debt free and still have some bucks if needed, you can let it 'flow' for a while and then decide on selling 'toys' if something really arises. Sure, if you get a great deal on one of them, I'd sell.

Main concern would be to start making the missus more interested in contributing towards your goals (by working) and less vocal about how money is managed in the household.

I'd just like to point out that when one spouse makes considerably less than the other, that doesn't mean the higher earner gets to make all the financial decisions. I've worked part-time for the last 15 years, making 10% of what my husband does. That is the choice we made together. Not only am I so involved in managing our finances, I am the primary person doing so. It works for us.

[disneysteve]

If she wants to decide on money matters, she needs to bring in the dough.

I strongly disagree. Marriage is a partnership, a team effort. It doesn't matter who makes the money. The decisions should be made jointly. My wife was a SAHM for 10 years, then re-entered the workforce for a while, then stopped working earlier this year. So for at least half of our marriage, I was the sole earner. That didn't mean she had no say in financial decisions. She's my wife. She and I need to be on the same page and agree on things for this to work.

I'd just like to point out that when one spouse makes considerably less than the other, that doesn't mean the higher earner gets to make all the financial decisions.

Exactly.

[feh]

I strongly disagree. Marriage is a partnership, a team effort. It doesn't matter who makes the money. The decisions should be made jointly. My wife was a SAHM for 10 years, then re-entered the workforce for a while, then stopped working earlier this year. So for at least half of our marriage, I was the sole earner. That didn't mean she had no say in financial decisions. She's my wife. She and I need to be on the same page and agree on things for this to work.

+1

Once that paycheck is received, it becomes both spouses' money. Taking the position that "I earned most of it; you don't get input into how it gets spent" is asking for marital acrimony.

[dojo]

I'd just like to point out that when one spouse makes considerably less than the other, that doesn't mean the higher earner gets to make all the financial decisions. I've worked part-time for the last 15 years, making 10% of what my husband does. That is the choice we made together. Not only am I so involved in managing our finances, I am the primary person doing so. It works for us.

From what I see he's not making any decision, since she's throwing a hissy fit. I really wouldn't like it to have a spouse who, from any reason, doesn't bring in money, but who's seeing me close to a HEART ATTACK and yet decides that she doesn't want me to sell MY stuff to keep our family budget into a better position. I would not even dare tell my husband what to do with his car or belongings, since many of them have been purchased before we got married from his hard earned money.

Even now, as we do have different incomes each month, we discuss openly about our solutions and plans, he advises me how to better handle a surplus, I advise him on some issues etc. But nothing ever happened like Allan told us: She said that was stupid, went and got the keys and hid them so I couldnt sell them.

I do agree we're in a partnership and we're actually doing very well together financially speaking, exactly because our main concern is for our family to live well and be secure. There's no room for hiding car keys or refusing my spouse to sell whatever he'd like to sell to put us in a better position. And if my husband would experience what Allan is experiencing, I'd sell my OWN darn car just to make sure he's safe. His life/health is worth more than a piece of junk (no matter how much I paid for it myself before we got married).

[LivingAlmostLarge]

No dojo, I think many people even those who keep finances separate in marriage would be offended that within a partnership you imply that the power and decision making in a relationship is based on income. That the bigger earner has more say. Why is that? Why does it matter what people make?

Yes this person has a wife acting childishly. But you basically said making $5k year gives her no say. So if she were frugal but wanted to do things differently she has no say because she doesn't make enough?

Does Disneysteve wife not have a say in how they spend money because she isn't currently working? Does anyone who works but makes substantially less than their partner get valued less? When I worked full time I made $30k to $120k. Did that mean I got 25% say? That my DH got the final say for making more though I was working 40+ hours a week "full time" but made a lot less? So I am worth less than his "important" opinion?

[dojo]

I'm not implying that she has absolutely no say, even if, in our household, I don't tell my husband what to do with his money, nor does he tell me what to do. We DISCUSS openly what needs to be done, share our views and plan our budget together. If he's making money this week, he'll cover this and that expense, when my 'check' comes, I'll take care of this and that. We're both running small businesses, so we don't have a regular income. He can have a great month or a horrible one, when he's not even covering the taxes we pay to run the business.

None of us is hiding the car keys or forbidding the other to do anything. 3 years ago I sold 3 of my sites so that we can afford a NYC trip. For me my sites are my babies and I decided to sell them, while he agreed and APPRECIATED the sacrifice I make. A year after, as we still weren't doing that well with the business, he sold some of his most prized coins.

He had a wonderful collection of 19th century Russian coins he was so proud of. We discussed it, I told him that I do not expect him to part with them, knowing how important they were (and we don't talk a car that's been made in tens of thousands of units, we talk a collection he'll probably NEVER own again), but he replied that we did need the money and it would surely provide us with a better financial footing. who am I to tell the guy what to do with his 'toys'? I agreed and, in turn, appreciated his amazing sacrifice.

This is what bothers me. If you see your husband struggling for the good of the family, he's willing to sell something he dearly loves, you should appreciate what he's trying to do and not hide his keys and throw a fit. Especially when he's so stressed he's almost ruining his health. That's what's bothering me, not really the fact she's not earning money, but the fact that she doesn't let her husband take the much needed measures to bring them forward. In this case, if she's so serious about not letting him sell the stuff, the only solution I SEE is for her to actually take on some work and help out with the money.

Anyway .. not my family, not my business

[Allan1]

Update:
I spent a long time going through the entire years income/expenses, spelled everything out in detail on paper. It showed exactly as I have saying - we are WAY short and savings wont carry us a whole lot longer. Now she seems to get it, and couldnt come up with a better plan to get out of this than what I proposed. So we have officially put a bunch of the 'toys' up for sale. I also suggested we do better at tracking expenses and budgeting more formally. Since she doesnt want the hassle she gave me the checkbook, etc and said I can take control (yeah!). She's also considering ways of boosting her income to help more. So I think we're finally on the right path - time will tell but I think we're making the best decisions for the issue at hand.

[scfr]

Update:
I spent a long time going through the entire years income/expenses, spelled everything out in detail on paper. It showed exactly as I have saying - we are WAY short and savings wont carry us a whole lot longer. Now she seems to get it, and couldnt come up with a better plan to get out of this than what I proposed. So we have officially put a bunch of the 'toys' up for sale. I also suggested we do better at tracking expenses and budgeting more formally. Since she doesnt want the hassle she gave me the checkbook, etc and said I can take control (yeah!). She's also considering ways of boosting her income to help more. So I think we're finally on the right path - time will tell but I think we're making the best decisions for the issue at hand.

Congrats - sounds like a lot of progress was made.

[kyoko]

Update:
I spent a long time going through the entire years income/expenses, spelled everything out in detail on paper. It showed exactly as I have saying - we are WAY short and savings wont carry us a whole lot longer. Now she seems to get it, and couldnt come up with a better plan to get out of this than what I proposed. So we have officially put a bunch of the 'toys' up for sale. I also suggested we do better at tracking expenses and budgeting more formally. Since she doesnt want the hassle she gave me the checkbook, etc and said I can take control (yeah!). She's also considering ways of boosting her income to help more. So I think we're finally on the right path - time will tell but I think we're making the best decisions for the issue at hand.

I am very happy that you are now on the same page...! Great progress!