Hypothetical fairness in kids and money

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My DH asked me yesterday as we discussed fairness in money for children, we have two girls thus far, and we are saving for their college. What happens if one of them chooses not to go to college? Is it fair to give what we saved to one kid and withhold the money earmarked for college for the other because she doesn't want to or chooses not to go? What if she decides to do something else?

Second if one child is exceptional in something say possibly an olympian skier, how do you justify spending that much for training but the other child is perfectly happy doing less activities? Can you balance the spending? Is it expected? How do you draw the financial line with fair and equal?

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I do think that if one child chooses not to go to university you should probably help her cook up a plan for what to do with her money, something that is intended to help secure her future, as that is what college was for, right? Maybe she will not have an idea right out of high school. Maybe it will be something very risky and you will have to help decide on whether the risk is worth it. Maybe it will be something that enriches the possibilities in her future by introducing her to a whole new world-- travel, extended volunteerism, the opportunity to be supported in her non-university pursuit of music, who knows what! Maybe it would be setting her up in a studio for an art or a fine craft business, something you could not possibley even think of just yet, but which your child might develop a superb talent and drive to do.

As far as spending money on them equally as they grow up, I would not worry about it too much, though you sure do want to not decrease opportunities for the one while favoring the other.

I have seen extremes of parental resolve cause problems whether it was acting on the beleif that everything must be exactly equal or whether there was an extreme of favoring one child over others for whatever reason, or perhaps boys over girls.

Twice, I've known parents who had to give exactly --EXACTLY-- the same article of clothing, gift, lessons, art supplies, musical instrument sporting goods, etc to each of their two kids. In one case it was two girls, in the other it was two boys. AS an outsider this looked insane and meant that I could not give one a birthday gift or anything related to a special interest without the parents being annoyed that they had to go out and buy another for the other child---or take it away from the giftee because it was not something that could be obtained through purchase. The kids were whiny and jealous at an age when they should have been way past that.

In the other direction, I've seen a family where the talents of one child were recognized and developed, catered to while the other kids just sort of went along and no apparent attempt was made to provide opportunites to them. This is really sad to see, even if the kids appear to accept that that is just how life is. I think you can imagine how it might be that one kid's talent gets noticed early and cultivated, then in the excitement they forget for years on end the other kids should be given good opportunites, as well. I've seen it happen in the extreme, although I think it can happen in lesser, but still damaging degrees.

[kork13]

My brothers and I have all taken exceedingly different routes through life. Through everything, my parents have followed the exact same methodology -- help, encourage, and support each of us along whatever path our passions may take us.

There are three of us. Everything seems to be done in two's, though never the same two... Two were big into team sports. Two into music. Two travelled for various sports/extracurriculars/etc. Two got full-ride scholarships, though all have gone to college. Two have/will go on mission trips for our church. Two are in the military, the other business management. All of these choices have involved significant financial and emotional support from my parents in every case.

All of that is to explain that with multiple children and widely varied interests/desires, you can NEVER make things EQUAL between siblings. And so to in order to be FAIR, my family has simply given whatever (reasonable) support was necessary to help each of us succeed on whatever chosen paths we have pursued. They've spent widely different amounts of money on each of us, but what's been important to all of us is that they have helped us do whatever it was we were going for. While not equal, we all feel that they've been fair with us.

I guess what I can't comment much on is when there is a significant disparity between children... But my personal opinion is that if you've got both an olympic-level athlete and a book-worm history buff for children, if the second is happy with simply getting put through school with a full library, I wouldn't worry about fairness. You're still providing for both children everything that they want & need. Help to support them both in whatever brings them success and fulfillment, and rest easy in the knowledge that your children are happy doing what they're doing.

[moneybags]

My DH asked me yesterday as we discussed fairness in money for children

Very early on I taught my kids that life is not fair. I have not had a problem with different rules for different kids. In our house, college money is for college. If you don't go, it doesn't mean you get an equivalent dollar amount for something else. I would consider spending the money on something that could establish them in a career via a route other than college, but again, not necessarily dollar for dollar.

[~bs]

I went to college, and think it's great that you're establishing funds for your kids given the escalating costs of tuition.IMO, if one decides not to attend college, an acceptable use of the funds is a downpayment on a house.

Nowadays, a college degree is no instant ticket to success because EVERYONE has them and because of the weak economy (but who's to say what it will be like years from now?). And I believe if the child isn't motivated towards getting a "hard degree", then they'd be better off working out of high school. Say one daughter works 4 years out of highscool, hopefully are promoted to a low level manager. Perhaps have 50k saved during that period. The other goes to school for 4 years, and maybe end up with 100k in debt and a useless sociology degree. Which daughter made the "right" choice?

College equates to trading off 4 years of your working life in the hopes that your salary will be high enough to make up for it in the remaining years of your work life. And it's a fairly steep tradeoff because, if invested those early years are able to accumulate over 45 years of investment gains. Depending on the amount saved and return gotten, the difference could easily be over 1 million by the time you retire.