Marriage and combining fiances

[kv968]

In the OP's case, she's bringing 50% of the assets to the relationship, but nearly 100% of the debt. In those circumstances, I don't think it's fair for the OP to expect the hubby also take on 50% of that debt, unless she can't otherwise pay for it out of her income. What if, instead of student loans, it was a car, or a vacation she took before they were together (or simply took alone of her own accord). Would that change the perspective, or is debt, ANY debt, assumed by the other half upon marriage?

Although I disagree, I can see where you and the OP's future hubby is coming from but that's obviously not the only contention here. Paraphrasing neatdesign's Maya Angelou quote, "you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg".

All I keep seeing is red flag after red flag being posted. Granted he's young and may very well change his attitude towards money and life as he gets older (I know I surely have) but what if he doesn't? The OP is then stuck in a marriage where the possible stress of monetary issues may become overwhelming when she could have seen them coming.

I'm by no means a relationship expert but all I would advise the OP to do is extrapolate the current situation and ask if she would be willing to deal with that type of attitude for the rest of her life because it may well be just that.

[siggy_freud]

Although I disagree, I can see where you and the OP's future hubby is coming from but that's obviously not the only contention here. Paraphrasing neatdesign's Maya Angelou quote, "you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg".

All I keep seeing is red flag after red flag being posted. Granted he's young and may very well change his attitude towards money and life as he gets older (I know I surely have) but what if he doesn't? The OP is then stuck in a marriage where the possible stress of monetary issues may become overwhelming when she could have seen them coming.

I'm by no means a relationship expert but all I would advise the OP to do is extrapolate the current situation and ask if she would be willing to deal with that type of attitude for the rest of her life because it may well be just that.

You bring up good points, and obviously my posts focus on one specific area of a much larger problem. I wouldn't consider myself qualified to give relationship advice under these circumstances, so I'm really just focusing on the OP's original inquiry. It appears there is a bigger can of worms here that the OP should really seek help for via alternative avenues. This thread is really calling into question the marriage, and although the advice here seems great, I wouldn't want us talking the OP into doing anything about her potential marriage from advice garnered on an online forum without validating that elsewhere. We also have to keep in mind we're giving advice based on 1/2 the perspective. And although 1/2 the perspective may be a truly accurate representation of the situation, we don't have the luxury of being sure of that.

[Nika]

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In the OP's case, she's bringing 50% of the assets to the relationship, but nearly 100% of the debt. In those circumstances, I don't think it's fair for the OP to expect the hubby also take on 50% of that debt, unless she can't otherwise pay for it out of her income. What if, instead of student loans, it was a car, or a vacation she took before they were together (or simply took alone of her own accord). Would that change the perspective, or is debt, ANY debt, assumed by the other half upon marriage?

Yes, because when you are married you are thinking of the best benefit of the family. In the long term, what would be best, if you assume that you are still a family 20-30 years from now, what is the best thing to do about this debt. If you are insecure (perhaps for good reason) if you will be together at that time, than it is another issue and you should not be getting married.

When we make financial decisions (who carries health insurance for the family, which account to put additional retirement savings, which loan to pay off quicker, etc... the only factor is "what would be most beneficial for the family overall?"

[elessar78]

What if 5 years from now Hubby develops some medical condition brought about by his poor eating habits and lack of exercise. By that logic, she shouldn't have to bear any of the cost of medical treatment and associated expenses.

[phantom]

Yes, because when you are married you are thinking of the best benefit of the family. In the long term, what would be best, if you assume that you are still a family 20-30 years from now, what is the best thing to do about this debt. If you are insecure (perhaps for good reason) if you will be together at that time, than it is another issue and you should not be getting married.

When we make financial decisions (who carries health insurance for the family, which account to put additional retirement savings, which loan to pay off quicker, etc... the only factor is "what would be most beneficial for the family overall?"

This sums up my thoughts on the matter very well. As long as the loans are around they will be a drain on the couple's joint resources. It doesn't matter whose name they're in. As long as one person is paying on them, that will be less money that person has to contribute to the couple's overall budget for fun and savings.

The whole thing seems particularly silly since it sounds like the guy would have student loans to deal with too if his parents hadn't had the ability and the generosity to help him pay for school. It's sad that they gave him the gift of an education, freeing up his income for other things, and that he does not want to share that freedom with the woman he wants to marry.

[YLTL_Dan]

When you marry someone, you marry everything including debt, health, and in-laws. You can't pick the things you want to deal with like you're at a buffet. I wrote on this previously here, but here are my four main reasons for combining finances:

1. You get on the same page with short-term and long-term financial goals
2. It forces you to discuss the hard topics
3. Financial infidelity (hiding purchases) is still infidelity
4. How will you split your finances if you have kids? Only pay for the one you like most

I'm not going to judge this guy and question why you're with him. I've been immature before too

[Tree0164]

I respectfully, and vehemently, disagree with you on this.

Once a couple gets married, there is no more "my money" and "his money" or "my debt" and "his debt." Once you are married, everything either one of you does directly affects the other so you need to work together as a team on everything - income, savings, debt repayment, etc.

Agree with you here/

the two of you need to have a budge meeting or money stress will just eat the two of you away. He will resent your student loan debt and your will resent him just spending money.

the two of you should have some "fun money' to spend no questions asked.

[gostumpy]

I am in the process of combining finances with my wife, who is very resistant; I believe she is merely misguided. Quote "Combining bank accounts is how trouble starts" LOL

[Bades]

I can't sit idly by here. I'm 25 and looking to marry my gf of three years here soon. We live together now and we split everything down the middle, expect I pay a little more in rent because she has student loans, I don't, and I make a lot more than her, so I'm fine with that.

No disrespect, but this guy seems like a total tool. He expects his wife to pay off her debt as he has all this play money? LOL

So if during marriage you guys want to go on a vacation are you SOL because you don't have enough money to go, but he does? See things aren't really adding up here...

I'm in a similar situation, girlfriend had no money growing up, my parents were wealthy. My parents paid for my college. My gf has 50k in student debt and it really drags her down! Once we get married that's going to be the first thing we concentrate on and tackle...TOGETHER. I actually cannot wait to help her with this and get rid of it! To know that I can help take care of my significant other is a very rewarding feeling.

You're making a combined 100k yet this guy is broke? I can understand being broke if you're paying bills and have a low wage job. But if he has no loans and makes good money, this dude is not financially responsible at all.

I applaud you for coming here to get help, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. If this guy cannot give you respect and gawks at your financial remarks - get rid of him. You're better off.

[Ramose]

I am in the process of combining finances with my wife, who is very resistant; I believe she is merely misguided. Quote "Combining bank accounts is how trouble starts" LOL

Why does she think that there will be trouble if you combine finances?

[Nsmith508]

Combining checking accounts for me and my wife took a leap of faith, but in the end it worked out well and brought us closer together. Too many people think it's "Their" money in a marraige.

[JenY]

Some very interesting perspectives here, and a lot of relatable ones. Me and my significant other have been together seven years while I was in school. I was lucky to come out with no debt, and while we were living together we shared our expenses roughly evenly (sometimes he picked up a bit more when I fell short near the end of the year, I spotted him a couple times when his account was lacking and I just came from my summer job). We have no debt, but he has no credit (but works full time) and I only work seasonally.

The part about "his 'play money'" really speaks to me, because though we share the expenses, my guy also is an instant gratification sort of person, with no savings or plans - he spends his paycheque to the penny every time, and his long-term savings goals extend only to the purchase of a new 'toy'. I'm more like the OP, expense budgets and long-term financial planning for house or retirement are more my MO. Considering he is older than me, and has no 'plan' beyond the next month, that is a concern (when I retire, will he still be working?).

Everything else relationship-wise aside, having the same (or at least similar) financial goals is a very important factor in that success. In my opinion, like many others here it seems, once you take that step into marriage, it's not 'yours' and 'mine' but 'ours'. If he doesn't see things that way, then it might be time to re-evaluate things. Even ignoring all the other non-financial concerns (though there are enough that those alone should be getting you thinking) having such divergent financial ideas is going to cause resentment in at least one party, and that in itself is going to become a huge strain on the marriage unless one of you changes your mind.

I think the 'three accounts' suggestion is a decent start, though arbitrarily 50% may not be what is required. Figure out the amount you need for expenses (or anticipate needing) and adjust a % figure from there. I don't imagine that both people will maintain that 50/50 split throughout both careers; for a few years he may earn more, later on perhaps she does. Do have a plan for when that significantly shifts though - will he not support you when you're off on maternity leave, or does he expect you not to have to support him if he gets laid off? Valid concerns.

[MakeAStash]

Reasonable IMO is that each of you put X% of your income toward joint expenses, perhaps via a joint checking account. The X% should be at minimum sufficient to cover your joint spending, plus whatever joint plans you have (travel, house, etc.). Whatever income you each have left over is yours to pay down your debt, do with as you wish, etc.

[sagremus]

Thanks for all of the replies. We will be getting counseling before marriage. I haven't brought up the subject again. I told him we should talk about it, but he wanted to put it off, and we never got back to talking again.

I realize I was angry and being harsh with him, he works hard (14+ hour days) between his work and education. He supported me emotionally and physically through a very severe illness (that almost killed me). So I am willing to work on this, but I want to sort out all of the details first before I say "I do."

[thesimplemoneyblog]

Combining finances can be a difficult discussion for many couples. It's hard for most people to relinquish control and think of it as 'ours' instead of 'mine.' Some people do prefer to keep it separate, though, so it really depends on your personalities. The key to successfully combining your finances is to have open, honest, and clear communication with one another for upcoming bills and expenses. Without transparency and communication, it can make things far worse.

One method you might consider first if you are having trouble combining finances is to combine finances for MOST of your money while maintaing a small amount of your incomes (say 5%-10% depending on what you all can afford give your goals and expenses) in a separate account. That way, you each have your 'own' money and it makes it easier to get gifts or nice things to surprise your spouse from time to time.