Financial Negotiations between Spouses

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Do you guys ever do anything you don't want to do financially because your spouse wants to? Or agree to something because they want it, though you know it's not the right financial move?

I promised my DH a car by the end of the month. I have a loan in place, no car picked, but I feel like if we made it to September we'd be in a better place financially.

But I promised. He wants one desperately, but if hadn't dragged his feet last year we would have had one last September. And our "car" fund would have gone to the car instead of the dog.

So now I definitely feel pressured financially. Does anyone else do this? How do you handle it? It's not the worse financial move so I shouldn't complain, but it's a lot more riskier than I'd like. But no it won't wreck us financially.

[disneysteve]

Do you guys ever do anything you don't want to do financially because your spouse wants to? Or agree to something because they want it, though you know it's not the right financial move?

Are you serious? That happens ALL THE TIME!

Sometimes marital bliss is more important than saving money. Take that from someone approaching his 18th anniversary with a woman I've known for nearly 30 years. We must be doing something right.

[Slug]

If you never disagree about finances, someone is too checked out of the relationship. There will never be perfect alignment on financial matters.

[jIM_Ohio]

I agree with Steve, and if you search for threads started by me with wife or car in them, you might find me asking the same question about 6 months ago?

Its OK to make a bad decision (financially) to make a good decision (marriage wise).

The key is to not repeat bad decisions over and over, or minimize how bad the bad really is (its only money).

[MonkeyMama]

Not too often. Either, we resolve quickly, or the big disputes are few and far between.

I remember 2 purchases I vehemently disagreed with my spouse, but I let my feelings known and he bought them anyway. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think it mattered. Though, maybe I talked him out of a few purchases in between. So, it's not the worst to speak how you feel. As for my spouse, I could let it go, because though it made me uncomfortable, I knew it wouldn't put us in a bad spot.

Just the other day I wondered aloud about buying something I had been wanting to buy a long time. My dh unexpectedly freaked out about it a bit. I was like, "um, okay, nevermind." You know, sometimes just knowing how the other one feels, changes things. (If it was something I felt strongly about, on the other hand, I'd tell him to big off! & he would respect that).

I do think it is good to talk about it though. Communicating is just as important as knowing when to "let it go." You may feel guilty about a promise, but he may respect your feelings in the interim. Waiting a few more months is very different than saying, "no way in hell!" I'd talk about it openly, knowing it is time to let it go if he disagrees.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Jim refresh my memory?

DS, I guess I'll have to be part of the wagon that is going to quickly give in.

Slug we've never had a disagreement about money before. Other issues, yes, but not money.

MM, I think I've put him off enough. I kept saying please wait, wait, wait. In the car driving home from the hospital he tells me he wants a new car. I almost threw him out the car, and he said he'd wait. Well he's waited and I have to admit I hate driving his car.

Whoever has the baby drives the corolla, but the focus. OMG. I can't stand the shaking. It shakes and feels like it's going to fall apart.

[jIM_Ohio]

LaL- a three page thread is here... post questions whereever

http://www.savingadvice.com/forums/personal-finance/51197-tell-me-your-opinions-solutions-problem.html

[maat55]

I found middle ground by establishing our cash policy. She can buy her car anytime during her savings cycle with whatever cash she has at the time.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

maat, do you get any input on the car choice? What happens if like us both cars could be replaced because of age, but because of money you can only do one? And the one needing to be replaced is my DH? But since we'll split having the baby, we've agreed that the person with the baby should drive the safer car, and the other person will drive the old corolla? So we aren't really having his and her cars anymore. At least for awhile.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Jim what ended up happening since that thread earlier this year?

Yep, my DH like your DW is well aware and involved in our finances. He's just tired of me driving when we go out because he can't fit with the car seat comfortably. I'm back at work from maternity, so he's really getting on my case now because he hates the fact the car seat in his car in the middle means he has no leg room. Yes we can put her behind the passenger, but our cars are tin boxes and I would like her to be in the middle.

Then too the two doors and the shaking car makes him greatly unhappy. And yep he understand compounding. His feeling like Jim's wife is he's saved religious for years. Maxed out all retirement accounts from the beginning. Saved cash for tuition. Got EF, drove beater for 10 years.

He wants to have a better family car, and one which fits us all comfortably. And he said he'll get a minivan if I am the only person driving it. I don't want to drive a minivan yet.

And I'm looking a cars about half the price of the pilot. So I guess I'm more comfortable with that.

Would you finance longer? I am thinking we're going to land 2.9% financing or less, so I am okay with keeping the loan, until we have our 6 month EF. Right now we have 4 months cash EF.

[disneysteve]

I promised my DH a car by the end of the month. I have a loan in place, no car picked, but I feel like if we made it to September we'd be in a better place financially.

He's just tired of me driving when we go out because he can't fit with the car seat comfortably.

he hates the fact the car seat in his car in the middle means he has no leg room.

Then too the two doors and the shaking car makes him greatly unhappy.

he's saved religious for years. Maxed out all retirement accounts from the beginning. Saved cash for tuition. Got EF, drove beater for 10 years.

He wants to have a better family car

So why do you still want to wait? Sure your finances may be even better in September and they'll be better still in December or March or next October. At some point, you need to pull the trigger and make the purchase. Sounds like he has been plenty patient and you guys are doing everything right. Just buy it already and be done with it.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I dunno. I guess if I keep making him wait maybe we could buy a car without a loan? I'm not happy with a car loan, but to keep the peace.

Second, I want to move, we talked more this morning. I feel anxious because what if we don't need the car he chooses when we move? What if we want a minivan because circumstances change this year or next? What if we don't want AWD?

His take is if we make a mistake on a car, it's $20k. Live with it, cars are tradeable. We might lose $5k on it. If we needed a bigger car or different car it's a car. Don't be unhappy. We could lose $5k in the stock market tomorrow. It's not the same as buying an expensive home.

[jIM_Ohio]

Jim what ended up happening since that thread earlier this year?

Yep, my DH like your DW is well aware and involved in our finances. He's just tired of me driving when we go out because he can't fit with the car seat comfortably. I'm back at work from maternity, so he's really getting on my case now because he hates the fact the car seat in his car in the middle means he has no leg room. Yes we can put her behind the passenger, but our cars are tin boxes and I would like her to be in the middle.

Then too the two doors and the shaking car makes him greatly unhappy. And yep he understand compounding. His feeling like Jim's wife is he's saved religious for years. Maxed out all retirement accounts from the beginning. Saved cash for tuition. Got EF, drove beater for 10 years.

He wants to have a better family car, and one which fits us all comfortably. And he said he'll get a minivan if I am the only person driving it. I don't want to drive a minivan yet.

And I'm looking a cars about half the price of the pilot. So I guess I'm more comfortable with that.

Would you finance longer? I am thinking we're going to land 2.9% financing or less, so I am okay with keeping the loan, until we have our 6 month EF. Right now we have 4 months cash EF.

My truck has about 3-4 payments left, then we are putting money to cash. Once cash buffer is enough, I believe we are paying down the mortgage until we purchase the pilot.

My wife is OK with a used pilot... she is also trying to get a promotion while we also balance my job, which is not as stable as it used to be, so we decided to delay the pilot a little bit, but best guess she will get it before December of 2010.

OTOH someone I knew in college died over the weekend, and it really makes me think that you don't need to delay something which gives you comfort, if you can afford to do so... no reason to wait for "perfect" moment to replace the car, as life can be taken from you at any point, so don't delay things which make you more comfortable.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Jim, good to know. Sounds like a plan that you only have one car payment at a time. I hope that's what ends up happening for us. I think that we can manage it.

My DH isn't okay with a used car. I believe we've settled on a subaru outback. Nothing too flashy, but basic.

[maat55]

maat, do you get any input on the car choice? What happens if like us both cars could be replaced because of age, but because of money you can only do one? And the one needing to be replaced is my DH? But since we'll split having the baby, we've agreed that the person with the baby should drive the safer car, and the other person will drive the old corolla? So we aren't really having his and her cars anymore. At least for awhile.

We have setup an replacement cycle of three years her, three years me. Fortunately, I have not had to cross the bridge of necessity.

Both our autos are the same age and miles. I am very confident my truck will last another three years. We are shopping for her car now.

In an situation where we might need both cars replaced, I would make sure she has the reliable car. We might use the EF for a temporary replacement auto.

The trick for us is to keep our cars newer and well maintained during the saving cycles.

She gets much leway in picking her car, but we make sure the miles are low, this makes sure we do not buy older cars.