Comingling money

[alternateme]

I need an opinion here. Do you think that it is a good idea to comingling money when you are dating, but not married? It is always a stress when we have to decide who is going to pay for what when we go out and we thought that a co account where we both contribute the same amount would be the best way to solve this. Does anyone do this? Is it a good idea? Or am I setting myself up for problems later on?

[cptacek]

I think it is a bad idea. You would have no legal protections should you break up in the future...the one doing the breaking up could clean out the account before the breakup and the other person would be high and dry.

[Broken Arrow]

Ask for separate checks?

[disneysteve]

It is always a stress when we have to decide who is going to pay for what when we go out

I'd say this is a relationship problem, not a money problem.

My wife and I started combining our accounts when we got engaged but not before that. Until we both knew that we were staying together for the long term, there was never a thought to combining money.

[wincrasher]

Yes. It's stupid actually.

If you are living together, then you need to have a frank talk about money and what you will do as a couple going forward.

Otherwise, keep your accounts separate. If you are going on a trip or buying something together, just talk about how you will be paying. In the end, if you can't talk about money, then what kind of relationship do you really have?

[creditcardfree]

I would never combine money while dating. Just split all joint dating expenses 50/50. If you are living together, a combined account, just for joint expenses could work, but it is a bit risky. The other person could pocket the money...and walk away. There is no recourse. I still wouldn't do it until you are in a committed relationship.

[Caoineag]

Generally if this is already a problem, definitely not. We used to compete for who would pick up the check not stress over whether we were keeping equal tabs...

[skydivingchic]

DBF and I have been together for nearly 14 years and still keep seperate finances. We recently opened a single joint checking account which we each deposit half the mortgage and half the HOA fees into each month. They get automatically deducted from this checking account. This is the only place we comingle accounts. I pay for groceries and utilities each month and keep track of half the expenses in a database. At the end of the month I give him a copy of the expenses and he writes me a check for his half. We each save seperately and aggressively for retirement.

As far as dating/entertainment expenses, we do things a couple of ways. For small things like dinner out or a movie, we take turns paying. It may not be exactly equal date to date, but over the long term I'm sure it evens out. For larger things like vacations, we split 50/50. Each of us pays for stuff along the way, keep the receipts, and then settle up 50/50 at the end. Once in a while there will be something that one of us really wants to do and the other isn't so wild about. For instance, I LOVE Neil Diamond, he could care less, but I wanted someone to go to the concert with me, so I bought his ticket.

This method works great for us personally and neither of us is in the least interested in having joint finances. As others have stated, I wouldn't recommend comingling finances until you are married or at least engaged, and even then you don't HAVE to combine finances. Even if DBF and I get married some day, we will keep this method of finances - it works for us and there is no need to fix what isn't broken.

[all4money]

I know I'm going to sound really old school here but this is what I would expect when my children get to be of dating age:

girlfriend/boyfriend - dating only... the boyfriend pays for all the dates and outings

girlfriend/boyfriend - living together... the housing expenses are split evenly, i.e. rent, utilities, groceries, etc. All dates would be paid by the boyfriend.

wife/husband... all finances are co-mingled into one with one spouse being the main financial person, paying the bills, etc. This spouse would be the one to pull out the cash/card when they go out. The other spouse will need to provide input and participate in decision making but they would have a secondary role in the actual logistics of account maintenance.

[disneysteve]

I know I'm going to sound really old school here but this is what I would expect when my children get to be of dating age:

girlfriend/boyfriend - dating only... the boyfriend pays for all the dates and outings

I'm old-fashioned too and I'll agree with this one.

girlfriend/boyfriend - living together... the housing expenses are split evenly, i.e. rent, utilities, groceries, etc. All dates would be paid by the boyfriend.

I disagree here. Once you are living as a couple, it doesn't really matter if you are married or not. That's when joint finances come into play in my mind.

wife/husband... all finances are co-mingled into one with one spouse being the main financial person, paying the bills, etc. This spouse would be the one to pull out the cash/card when they go out. The other spouse will need to provide input and participate in decision making but they would have a secondary role in the actual logistics of account maintenance.

I agree with part of this except for one spouse being the one to physically make the payment. When my wife and I are out shopping together, whoever is standing closer to the cashier or the CC swipe machine is the one who "pays." It makes no difference since all the money comes from the same account but I'm not going to push her out of the way or squeeze past the shopping cart so I can be the one to swipe my card. That would be silly.

[alternateme]

I think I may have accidentally given the wrong impression. Our problem is like what Caoineag mentioned - we both try to insist on paying for the other and not the other way around. I'm not sure if this would make a difference in your thoughts or not.

[ceejay74]

I think if you've made a stated commitment to one another--doesn't have to be marriage--it makes sense to commingle finances, at least to a certain extent. If you're living together, even more so. Maybe keep separate savings accounts, but have a joint checking account for bills and spending. It'll also be a great chance to suss out one another's spending habits and maybe make some suggestions if you see that there's not a good sense of controlling spending. With completely separate finances, you don't really get that intimate knowledge of the other person's financial behavior.

If you've just been dating a long time but haven't had any serious discussions about staying together for the long term, I wouldn't commingle, just agree to pay your portion of the restaurant check, or else take turns paying on every other date.

[Caoineag]

I think I may have accidentally given the wrong impression. Our problem is like what Caoineag mentioned - we both try to insist on paying for the other and not the other way around. I'm not sure if this would make a difference in your thoughts or not.

You definitely gave the opposite impression. Sorry. As to that, it ended when I finally gave in and let him always pay for that and I picked up a different bill. Prior to giving in, we treated it as a game and boy did we cheat. If you want that sort of thing to end, you are probably going to have to agree to an arrangement like we did, where one of you pays for one type of activity and the other pays for a different one. The big issue is that there is still a lot of "old fashioned" people who expect your boyfriend to pay and will give him dirty looks if he doesn't. Easier to let him win on the dates and pick up something with less guys should always pays expectations. Its less messy than a joint account if things go south.

[creditcardfree]

I think I may have accidentally given the wrong impression. Our problem is like what Caoineag mentioned - we both try to insist on paying for the other and not the other way around. I'm not sure if this would make a difference in your thoughts or not.

In that case, just pay for the other every other transaction (or date out)....in the end it probably evens out!

[disneysteve]

I think I may have accidentally given the wrong impression. Our problem is like what Caoineag mentioned - we both try to insist on paying for the other and not the other way around. I'm not sure if this would make a difference in your thoughts or not.

I agree with just taking turns. This is not a reason to open a joint account with someone you are just dating.