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Betrayed and Seeking Advice

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    Betrayed and Seeking Advice

    Well the economy is in the dumps and so is my life. As with everyone else my portfolio is way down, my house is worth less than what I owe and I am a stay at home dad so I don't have a job. I of course wasn't concerned because retirement is 30+ years away and my "wife" was a nurse manager who made good money and had a stable job.

    Little after christmas I found out my wife doesn't love me, respect me, consider the job I did at home valuable and that she has been having an affair with her married "dream guy" for about a year. We have been doing the counseling but she is not interested in fixing the marriage because she says she is broken and needs to work on herself and it would be years before she could even consider working on the marriage. She does not feel guilty for what she did and is only staying with me because she feels bad that I am financially dependent on her. My daughter is almost 3 and I have taken care of her since she was born and am afraid of losing her.

    Here is my situation if I leave and we split up assets then the retirement account would be hit with massive fees, have to be sold at the bottom of the market, and I have no way of paying for any part of the house. With no income and no place to live I would have to move in with my parents who don't really have money either and would have no way of supporting my child. The plan was for me to finish my masters degree when my daughter started preschool which would be next fall.

    If I stay here I am in eternal hell because of the complete lack of caring by my exwife about what she did. I can't sleep well and my poor daughter has started getting moody, wetting the bed, and other things she has never had a problem with before. So the question is do I risk destroying myself financially and leave and hope I can still be the main person in my daughters life? Or do I stick it out here until I get my masters degree and get a job and hope the market recovers somewhat?

    Never again will I let myself be financially dependent on another person NEVER.

    You should probably talk to a lawyer ASAP. Since you have been the stay at home spouse caring for the child, you would probably be able to get spousal support and the wife might have to pay you for your half of the house (laws of course vary by state).


      Oh my god.

      This brings back so many memories for me. I want you to know that I fully sympathize with you.

      Two things to focus on at all times as you begin this trial in your life:

      1. No matter what happens, please see to it that your child is being cared for.

      2. No matter what happens, please see to it that you are being cared for.

      If it's at all possible, it's time to consider a separate place to live, a job, and basically, your own independent, separate, and self-sustaining life.

      Please find support wherever you can, even if in the end, we are truly alone in dealing with this. Please try not to fall apart, because it's very easy to do so and end up doing something that you'll regret later on. Friends and family can help it as well.

      I do NOT recommend staying if it can at all be helped. This is not the kind of life you signed up for, and you deserve better than to be betrayed like this.

      Oh, and I just thought of something else important: Start documenting everything. Dates and events are very important, and start researching your legal laws. Know what your rights are so you can be ahead of the game and know what to expect in terms of alimony, child support, custody, and asset splits. Proof of adultery may also come in handy (as it did for me). Yes, it's time to talk to a lawyer if you can.

      Use your pain as a motivator to fight through this. If you truly have been betrayed, the last thing you want to do now is to get screwwed in the separation and divorce process as well. Seriously, do you want to PAY your ex for leaving you because she somehow decided that she found her soulmate? NO! And yet, that's what my ex tried to do. Don't take this lying down. Defend yourself and fight back! This is how I ended up on SavingAdvice in the first place, because I needed to blog what was going on to keep track of everything, and it was much better than keeping it bottled inside.

      Anyways, please take care.
      Last edited by Broken Arrow; 01-31-2009, 07:19 PM.


        What should be most important for you right now is what is best for your daughter. Forget what the masses do. Your job at this point is to make decisions which will best impact your daughter. She needs parents, she needs love from her parents, she needs you, plain and simple. Careers come second when a youth is involved.

        If you guys are not willing to set aside your egos/differences while your child grows and develops, you need to forget about what is best for you or your wife's future careers at this point. You both need to focus on what is going to be best for your daughter's future as she grows and work around that reality!!! That's reality as to what you should do. That is the way you need to ethically approach the problem you are facing right now. Whether you decide to do that or not, is another story. Good luck and be smart.
        Last edited by Bluestreak; 01-31-2009, 07:35 PM.


          I'm not really sure what financial advice to give, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. I wish you all the best and hope things work out favorably for everyone involved.

          ~ Jenney



            While i'm a big fan of two parent families, I think they need to be loving and nurturing. Unless two people can appear to their children this way, it is probably no use to pretend. It would take a lot of strenght and selfless determination by both to pull it off.

            Discussing a timeline plan for a painless separation is the next best solution for the child. Living close and a lot of shared time will reduce the negative impact on the child.

            During this time you will need to find work and get established in a single income situation to ease the stress of separation. You will need to disconnect from your emotional dependence on your exspouse. Good people need never feel wrong or inadequate when a spouse chooses infidelity and deceit. Choosing lustful gratification over character and moral fortitude is her fallacy and not yours.

            Walk away with your head up and determined to suceed as an individual and a father. I wish you better days to come.


              The advice you've received above is great, so I won't repeat what's already been said.

              However, you mentioned that you planned on getting your master's, which would mean that you would have a bachelor's degree in something. Why can't you use that to start your career now?

              I wish you and your daughter the best. I'm sure you will survive this and be stronger because of it.


                I pray for you and your daughter. Just remember you will get through this, it may take some time, but you will get through this.


                  Lawyer up.

                  Since you are the primary caregiver for your daughter, you might be treated as the "woman" in the divorce and get alamony, stay in the house, etc.


                    Hmm, good luck!
                    Last edited by Broken Arrow; 02-03-2009, 03:48 AM.


                      I fully sympthatized with you. I do know your child is better off with two parents and staying together should be the priority. I'm not sure if your marriage can be saved, but I really hope you and your wife could work it out through counselling and hard work. Good luck.
                      Got debt?


                        Originally posted by tripods68 View Post
                        I fully sympthatized with you. I do know your child is better off with two parents and staying together should be the priority. I'm not sure if your marriage can be saved, but I really hope you and your wife could work it out through counselling and hard work. Good luck.
                        Fascinating that anyone purports to "know" the best interests of "your child"

                        All I know is that you are in for a tough road ahead, but it makes good sense to lawyer up as soon as possible and document, document, document. You are likely to be glad that you did, and it may leave you in the best position to provide the stability that you and your daughter deserve.


                          I would like to say thanks to everyone that has responded. I will keep this updated not on the personal issues but on the financial ones so people know how devastating a divorce or even this type of disaster in a marriage is.

                          I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow not because I am getting a divorce but because I want to know my rights and responsibilities. My daughter is my first priority and will always be. As long as I am alive I will take care of her to the best of my ability.

                          I have to say thank god for the emergency fund. In about a month we have already spent $4000 on counseling that has been well worth it in my opinion.

                          Thanks again everyone.


                            This is a little off the financial topic, but marriages can and do go through times like you are. Sometimes it's a deal breaker, and trust can't be rebuilt, or one partner leaves. I personally know couples who have come back from infidelity, as well. Seeing a lawyer is good perspective and information, but keep in mind their bias is towards you getting divorced, that's how they get paid. To bring it back to money, how well you and spouse have dealt with it is something to consider, because no matter what happens it will have implications until your daughter is a self-sufficient adult.


                              I'm so sorry to hear it. I was in a ver similar situation until about a year ago. Wife and I were seperated for almost 2 years (day after our DD 2nd ). She moved out on her own and we decided we were going to keep our DD 2 days at a time and it worked out well.

                              It was the hardest time I'd ever been through in my whole life. I took a new job with a lot more responsibility when I was crumbling inside, working in IT my schedule was very unpredictable, yet I had to be a full time dad for the 4 days of the week. I was a new manager, a single father and a grown man struggling to fall asleep without making the pillows wet. The greatest strength I ganied was from my daughter, the two days I didn't have her were the hardest but as luck would have it my work kept me really busy and I started going to the gym at the apt complex to keep myself busy. I worked hard on improving myself and hoped to keep my marriage alive.

                              After a year and a half she filed for divorce, I was crushed and I relunctantly hired a lawyer, then at a time when things couldn't get any better she and I agreed to discuss the finances for the first and final time rather than letting the lawyers do it for us. This was my last chance so I made a reservation at a nice restaurant, we met and I told her everything I wanted to say. I admitted to my mistakes and the changes I'd made. I listen to what she had to say which was not a lot and agreed that I understood. It was almost a done deal so I asked her that since she acknowledged the changes in me I wish she'd let me prove them to her they were for good. I looked up at her and she said "OK" - I couldn't belive it so I asked her if she said Yes OK? and she said "Yeah but I have to think about it". Next day she emailed me saying she wants to work on it and she admitted to her mistakes and that it was both of our fault. It was the happiest moment of my life. My 2 years of hardwork had paid off, the next few weeks were like when we'd first met 10 years ago, it was fun to be in each other's company and then kiss goodbye to go to our own homes. Later things became a bit harder for me when I found out that she had had an affair and she got hurt in the process by the scumbag but I chalked it up to 'life isn't fair' it wasn't fair to me or her and we were both hurt in some way. We've been back together for 2 years and I try my hardest to not take her, my daughter or life for granted. I used to be hyperish and used to get irritated with anyone easily which was the major complaint she had about me and the two years I was seperated changed me 180 degrees, everyone said that I had changed so much...people that didn't even know what was going on in my personal life.

                              Sorry, I didn't mean to go and write a novel on a financial board but I feel for you. I also wanted to tell you that if you believe in something you'll get it whatever it is. Just do the right thing and believe in yourself, your goals and your dreams. So many people told me to move on they offered to set me up but it's not what I wanted to do, not without trying my darndest to have her back. Also no matter how hard you think it'll be you'll be OK.

                              Feel free to PM me if you want...