I am thinking about debt all the time...

[disneysteve]

IMHO if someone can not bear to be honest to there partner about there finances, either because of shame, vanity, or other selfish reason, then having seperate finances seems an appropriate choice.

I know many couples do it, but I fail to see how keeping separate finances solves anything.

Let's say my wife and I kept everything separate. If I racked up thousands and thousands in debt, it would still impact her. If I couldn't afford to pay my share of the household expenses, that would affect her. If I couldn't afford to pay my share of the vacation we had planned, that would affect her. If I couldn't afford to pay my share of home repairs, that would affect her. If I couldn't afford to keep contributing to my retirement account or our daughter's college account, that would affect her.

"Separate" finances aren't really as separate as people think.

[QueenOphelia]

So what did you spend the 12k on?

[tripods68]

So your reasoning is if many people do something immoral, than it is ok because it has become status quo. I hope they never apply that logic to child abuse or sex offenders.

I'm pretty sure if you found out your partner was having an "affair" and keeping it a secret from you, it wouldn't be met with such aloof response.

IMHO if someone can not bear to be honest to there partner about there finances, either because of shame, vanity, or other selfish reason, then having seperate finances seems an appropriate choice.

Ok...can we stick to finance discussion and not be OFF topic about child abuse or any off topic related.

I'm no way defending hiding the truth, all I'm saying think behind the reasoning. As far having separate finances don't necessarily imply shame, or selfish reason. We don't know specific about their relationship for you to make that call.

[tripods68]

If you are doing something or hiding something that has an impact on your spouse and family, you need to be open about it.

Do I tell my wife every penny I spend? No. Nor does she tell me every penny she spends. But if I somehow got US (and it is US, not just ME) in financial difficulty (and I'd consider 12K of debt to be a problem), I would certainly tell her and discuss TOGETHER what we needed to do to address it.

Sorry, but I don't buy the argument that keeping secrets is the norm or has become an acceptable way to conduct a marriage. I also don't buy the argument that it is your debt and not her concern. If you were both single and just living together, that might be true as long as you were meeting all of your agreed upon financial obigations. Once you are married, though, everything is joint. Your problems are her problems.

I respect your opinion. I don't disagree at all.

I just think most marriage/relationship don't operate in the single joint household like you do Steve. Granted you a great relationship with your wife. Thyat's great. However, most marriages are far from perfect with many imperfections it you put it under the miscroscope. Living with those imperfection does not make a bad marriage automatically; all it means that just have to work a lot harder at it.

[disneysteve]

most marriages are far from perfect with many imperfection it you put it all under the miscroscope. Living with those imperfection does not make marriages bad automatically; all it means that just have to work a lot harder at it.

I get what you are saying, but how exactly does intentionally concealing $12,000 in debt from your spouse constitute working harder at the marriage? I think open communication is the basis of a good relationship. Keeping secrets and hiding things from each other isn't going to bring you closer together or help you function more effectively as a team.

I certainly don't have a perfect marriage. I don't think that even exists. What makes our marriage work as well as it does, though, is that we are always open and willing to discuss whatever issues arise.

[boosami]

Why did you originally decide to hide the $12,000 in debt from your wife?

[DebbieL]

I think those kind of secrets are unhealthy for a marriage. What if something happened to you, and suddenly your wife finds out about all this extra debt the hard way, when she's already got enough to cope with. I think it's rotten to hide a thing like that.

PS - DH and I keep our finances separate for the most part (each pay a certain amount toward expenses and have one joint savings, but everything beyond that is separate). We do not hide financial information from each other though. We talk about our finances constantly. I know what percent goes into his pension, etc.

[tripods68]

I get what you are saying, but how exactly does intentionally concealing $12,000 in debt from your spouse constitute working harder at the marriage?

It doesn't. Mistakes happens along the way in any marriage. Do people learn from their mistake, yes. Do they get a second chance yes. Is marriage become stronger when couples learn from their mistakes. Yes. But many marriages also end no matter how hard OP try. Does that mean OP give up. I don't think so.

[FoolFromAZ]

So what did you spend the 12k on?

I had over 60K on CC. I accumulated that debt over 2 to 3 yrs. But I opened few cc accounts as I was getting 0% apr, I used that money for my house downpayment and buying applainces, furniture, etc. As I mentioned earlier, my wife was not showing any intrested in understanding our finance until yr ago.

[FoolFromAZ]

Why did you originally decide to hide the $12,000 in debt from your wife?

I have debt in 7 credit cards. When I first told my wife about our CC debt, I had over 60K of CC debt. I thought my wife would feel we are in hopeless situation if tell her 60K debt. So I did not show the balence in two of the Credit cards which have about 12K of balance. I get bonus from my employer at the year end. I could pay some of them using bonus. meanwhile I thought I can just pay the minimum in those cards.

[FoolFromAZ]

I'm sure I'll get flacks from people for back tracking but I'm allowed to change my mind right.... I know I previously said that he should let his wife know about the 12K debt. I'm kinda iffy now. Assuming you pay it off in 18 months, its something you probably don't have to mention to your wife--after probably years after its fully paid--even especially if telling her the truth, would destroy your marriage. After all, it is your debt and you the one paying it off and not wife right? But what marriage in America that does not keep secret(s) to wifes/husbands right? I'm sure lots so that's exactly my reasoning. It's pretty much a casual affair to keep secrets from partners in these day. Another thing, like most husband and wife like to combined their financial household in shared accounts, many husband/wife also prefer to keep financial household separates so this reasoning is not out of park suggestion either.

Yep. Thats exactly what I was thinking. I should have told my wife when she first asked about it. that time i didnt. if i tell her now, then i would be unneccesserily getting into trouble. I am currently worried about getting out of debt.. dont want to fight or argue or convince my wife on this. I have done as much as I could to keep this a secret. she does not read these forums anyway.

[maat55]

I remember listening to Dr. Laura once, the caller had had an afair, but had regreted it and was remorseful. He ask Dr. Laura if he should come clean with his wife. Dr. Laura said no, never mention it to her.

The infidelity was history and Dr. Laura didn't feel the wife should be subject to the hurt that could not be fixed.

This sitiuation you have is an on going problem. Only you know your wife enough to know how much this would effect her. Personally, I would never have an afair or hide debt from my wife. If I were in your place I would tell my wife. I would tell her it was eating you up inside and could not be hidden any longer. Just my 0.02 cents.

[DebbieL]

I've never agreed with Dr. Laura on that issue (or many others, lol). I would want to know. I think those kind of secrets cause a kind of cancer that eats at a person's soul. I would want to come clean with something like that and hope my partner could find a way to forgive me, but either way I think they have the right to know.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Who the hell listens to Dr. Laura that wacko? That woman is a huge hypocrite.

Tell the truth, sounds like the guilt is getting to you anyway.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

This may be a bit morbid, but I keep having the thought-- What if you get killed or disabled in a car accident tomorrow, and like it or not, your wife has to take over the bill paying? She is going to see those CC bills and she is going to be responsible for them. We do not inherit debt from out parents or siblings, but we are responsible for our spouse's debts. Would you want her last impression of you to be that you lied (by omission) to her and ran up debt for god-knows-what? I know you say it was for down payment on your house, but how would she know that if you are dead or unable to speak and tell her so?

Where do you recieve your bills? Even if your wife never pays them, certainly she must see the mail come in. You are not another having the bills sent to another address are you?

I'm guessing you've read the other recent thread here in which a poster speaks of finding out his wife had hidden debt from him. There might be something valuable for you in that thread.