Blending Finances with Spouse who has children

[Sokkpuppet]

I am looking for advice about how to blend finances with my soon to be spouse and her 3 children... I do not have any kids. I want to be as fair as possible, but I also do not want to be responsible for putting the kids through college. I make about the same amount of money as he does after he nets out his child support to his ex... The kids are with us 50% of the time...

Thanks.

[~bs]

um, if you're going to get married, you should work all that stuff out before you tie the knot. My guess is that she'll want to help the kids out, and it will be tough to manage your finances if you don't want to share your income. Will she be able to handle paying her half of the living expenses?

Also, how long is child support in your state? In mine, it covers the time the kids are in college, and doesn't cut off at 18 automatically.

[disneysteve]

Welcome to the site.

This is a really tough situation that so many people find themselves in.

What are the terms of his divorce agreement as far as paying for college? Is he responsible for a set dollar amount or a set percentage?

If the two of you decide to make your finances joint, then you will be helping pay for college because the money will all be coming out of the same pot. The only way to avoid that is to keep your finances completely separate, nothing joint at all, and have an agreed upon plan for who pays for what. If you and he earn the same amount, then you could decide to each pay 50% of joint expenses and have him be 100% responsible for college costs.

The problem with that is what happens if it doesn't leave him enough disposable income for things like vacations or home repairs? Will you then contribute more than 50% to those areas? If so, then you will essentially be helping pay for college. And what about retirement savings? Will he be able to pay child support and college costs and his share of household expenses and still put away enough for a comfortable retirement? If not, how will that work? Again, if you help out there, indirectly you are helping with college costs.

I don't know how soon you guys are getting married but this is absolutely an issue that needs to be hammered out before you say "I do".

[~bs]

Welcome to the site.

This is a really tough situation that so many people find themselves in.

What are the terms of his divorce agreement as far as paying for college? Is he responsible for a set dollar amount or a set percentage?

If the two of you decide to make your finances joint, then you will be helping pay for college because the money will all be coming out of the same pot. The only way to avoid that is to keep your finances completely separate, nothing joint at all, and have an agreed upon plan for who pays for what. If you and he earn the same amount, then you could decide to each pay 50% of joint expenses and have him be 100% responsible for college costs.

The problem with that is what happens if it doesn't leave him enough disposable income for things like vacations or home repairs? Will you then contribute more than 50% to those areas? If so, then you will essentially be helping pay for college. And what about retirement savings? Will he be able to pay child support and college costs and his share of household expenses and still put away enough for a comfortable retirement? If not, how will that work? Again, if you help out there, indirectly you are helping with college costs.

I don't know how soon you guys are getting married but this is absolutely an issue that needs to be hammered out before you say "I do".

exactly. it could be anything, such as groceries, vehicle costs, insurance, food, whatever. if you're picking up any additional cost, while she's saving for their education, you're effectively putting the money in for college. Reminds me of a friend that married a Filipino that sends money back to her poor Philippines extended family members regularly. If you're married, she's not sending her money to them, it's your household money that's being sent as well! If she's not sending the money, then it's likely that you'd be able to save it or help your kids out in college or whatever else.

[disneysteve]

her 3 children

I make about the same amount of money as he does after he nets out his child support

OP, not that it matters but just for the sake of clarity, is your future spouse male or female? You used both gender pronouns in your post.

[~bs]

OP, not that it matters but just for the sake of clarity, is your future spouse male or female? You used both gender pronouns in your post.

I took it that he was referring to his spouse's ex.

he's saying that he wants to be fair with the spouse and her ex. He makes the same amount as his future wife's ex blaa bla.

[Sokkpuppet]

Let me clarify... i am the fiance to a man who has an ex-wife. with this ex-wife he had three kids, for whom he shares 50/50 custody and also pays a large amount of child support. He makes more than I do on a gross basis, but when you factor how much he pays in child support we make about the same amount. He is proposing that we split the household bills based on income ratio. Approximately 53%/47% with him paying 53%. I am proposing that he pays for 70% of the expenses and myself 30% of the house since he is responsible for himself and three kids who are only with us 50% of the time...it has caused a lot of tension. To complicate things further, his oldest daughter (17 yo) does not get along and i get upset by how much money he spends on her when she does not deserve it. The other 2 children are angels and we have a good relationship.

[cypher1]

He makes more than I do on a gross basis, but when you factor how much he pays in child support we make about the same amount. He is proposing that we split the household bills based on income ratio. Approximately 53%/47% with him paying 53%. I am proposing that he pays for 70% of the expenses and myself 30% of the house since he is responsible for himself and three kids who are only with us 50% of the time...it has caused a lot of tension.

I must have missed some details, and based on the fact that he makes more for income, you're proposing he pay 70% of the monthly expenses while you pay 30% while you already know a large chunk of his monthly income goes to child support?

That doesn't seem right to me. But we probably need more info on the salaries/numbers. For example, if he made 100k and you made 50k, I could understand the bigger split of 70/30 vs 53/47 for those expenses/bills. OR after child support expenses, his salary is closer to yours, why wouldn't it be split 50/50 between you both?

[disneysteve]

when you factor how much he pays in child support we make about the same amount. He is proposing that we split the household bills based on income ratio. Approximately 53%/47% with him paying 53%. I am proposing that he pays for 70% of the expenses and myself 30% of the house

I'm not following this either. If after child support, your incomes are similar, why should he pay 70% to your 30%?

I hope you aren't saying that he should be responsible for any costs arising out of his kids being with you because that certainly isn't right.

it has caused a lot of tension.

i get upset by how much money he spends on her

Two HUGE red flags here.

You are thinking about getting married to this guy but are already struggling with both financial and child-rearing issues. I'd say that you need to put any thoughts of marriage on hold until you are both able to work out those issues. Don't go and get married and think you'll work it all out later because that ain't gonna happen. Get yourselves some good premarital counseling so that you're both on the same page on this stuff and more before you agree to move forward with the relationship.

[Nutria]

OP, not that it matters but just for the sake of clarity, is your future spouse male or female? You used both gender pronouns in your post.

Sockpuppet is a woman.

[disneysteve]

Sockpuppet is a woman.

Yep. She clarified above. And, of course, just knowing her gender still wouldn't have told us if her partner was male or female.