How to ask new partner about their financial savings?

[Petunia 100]

My question to those who view marriage so lightly, why did you get married? Did you use a minister or priest? Did you care what the vow said? I hope that you did, but you are all sounding like you didn't say anything. You just signed a paper.

What good are your words if you don't even consider them to have meaning?

What business is it of yours? Why do you feel others should justify their views to you?

[disneysteve]

Folks, let's not turn this into a debate about marriage.

The only reason I mentioned the marriage issue is because of its relationship to financial issues. If you aren't married, the other person's finances are much less a concern for you since their behavior and decisions don't affect you the way they would if you were married.

Since OP is not married and has no plans to marry this guy, I see no reason for him to share all of his financial info unless he chooses to. That's very different than if they were married in which case I think sharing all of that detail is critically important because then they are both affected by every decision that gets made.

[Like2Plan]

I have to congratulate the OP for bringing up this topic with her new partner. A lot of folks are reticent to talk about finances with their partner, but it is clearly important.

It is always sad when previous relationships did not work out, but it seems that he is willing to make sure that the previous family is all right. He's not just ditching them and moving on. That is a good thing.

I'd say--keep talking to him. Give him some time.

[breathemusic]

I am so disgusted with this thread and, frankly, the lack of moderation (or that it finally came so late) that I can't NOT say anything about it. This is a financial advice forum. For all of you sticking your nose into OPs relationship, it's not your business. And I would counter that married or not married also doesn't matter outside of the legal ramifications of finances. At least that it doesn't matter in this current context, which is just one partner wanting to help the other appropriately plan for their future. You don't have to be married to give a **** about your partner's financial future. Just because OP doesn't intend to marry her boyfriend that doesn't mean that communication of finances and planning TOGETHER financially aren't very important. Especially if they plan to co-habitat, or if they hope to be together long term. Sure, they'll keep separate finances, but it's still important that each person know what the other's game plan is and know that the other person is planning soundly for their future so that ALL parties are on the same page toward the same goals.

Sure, her partner doesn't HAVE to share the info with her, but then if he refuses, it's OP's choice as to whether withholding that info is a deal breaker for her or not. Maybe they want to keep separate finances but still hope that this will be a long term relationship and they'll grow old together. That still means knowing whether or not the other partner has the ability or desire to stop working one day and be able to retire. Which does have an impact on whether retirement is "me" vs "we" since 1 half of a pair can quit working while the other half doesn't. Married or not.

Either way, I realize that most people on this site are fiscally conservative, but everyone please try to remember that fiscally conservative doesn't translate into all other forms of being conservative. I'm not a moderator, so I don't have any power over this site, but I have been a reader on here for years, and I've actually seen several of these judgy, and frankly, ****ty responses to people's posts commenting about everything from marriage, whether a mother should stay at home with kids, the choice to parent in general, etc. So I really hope everyone can start doing a better job of keeping that crap to themselves and sticking to the money talk.


OP- At 1.5 years in and given that your b/f is living with you, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know his financial picture. If you're both looking at the relationship as something that you want to last as long as possible (which may or may not be the rest of your lives, but certainly might mean well into retirement) then wanting to know if he's thought about retirement and understands the importance of planning is only reasonable. I certainly don't think you should be demanding to see his full financial picture. But as you've stated, it sounds like he appreciates your opinion, and you clearly care about him and his future. So I think the best thing you can do is just be honest (but polite) and ask him if you guys can sit down and talk about finances. As him if he minds you knowing those details and make it clear to him that you're not trying to run his life, but that you care and want to be able to help (with planning, not with your money.... or if with your money, that's obviously a risk you're taking on and accepting). It sounds to me like he'd be open to it. Maybe he never shared these things on his own because he's not used to having a partner that actually WANTS to help manage the finances? Or it could also be a bit of embarrassment. But if you can show him that you're not asking to be involved out of judgment, but out of love then he probably will be willing to open up to you about those things. Financial talks are important in a relationship, marriage or not, if you intend to live together, and if you want to be able to be on the same page in terms of life goals not only now, but in the future as well.

[Dahlia]

hello everyone,
I appreciate the concern, I appreciate the advice and I appreciate the defense too!

I think this thread might have uncovered some other thread topics such as financials and relationship stages...but I'll leave it alone for now.

To update everyone:

I did ask BF today about his finances. It was over the phone, as he was driving into work. He called and was talking about his money payments and I jumped in and asked him if he is saving any of it for the long term.

He was surprised and caught off guard. He said he saves money every month and has it set for: house repairs, car maintenance, vacation, and Christmas. He said that once all of his debts are paid off- he expects to have $10k set aside in those funds by the new year even if the house has not sold.

I said I was just checking to make sure he is saving some of the money along the way. And he said he was.

So- he is saving for short term emergencies.

I need to talk to him about retirement. I know 10% at age 42 is too old and not enough. I'll save that for another conversation on a different day.

[Dahlia]

Music- I think you are right that BF didn't have partners that were educated about money, or pro-active. So BF kind of learned as he went and also became financially responsible for people that couldn't contribute (SAHM, kid, step kids).

Then as his income increased, he always took on bills by their monthly payments. That's how he managed his money.

But as he and I work together, I'll keep him looking at the long term future too.

I think for many years he was just trying to keep his head above water. Sounds like his first wife was a big spender.

[~bs]

It is a lot more, but on the legal side, it is just a contract. Take away marriage, and the family structure will fall apart. Just look at how many single mothers are out there because a guy saw marriage as just a contract he was tired of and walked away from his commitment. It doesn't take long to see the emotional damage that is done to the children.

People today just want the paycheck without the responsibility of the job. For a relationship, this ends up being unfulfilling from an emotional standpoint. It all goes together.

So, I highly disagree with you, but that is for another thread.

I'd agree with you that marriage was more than a speed bump or hiccup in the path towards destruction of the family structure. But the welfare state and no-fault divorce structure pretty much ensures it marriage is merely a contract that can be broken by either party for any reason. Society itself has strayed pretty far from the typical 2 parent, 2-3 kid model for a family.

And to even out your comment about walking away from commitments, I would say both parties could potentially be at fault. And I did a quick search, women initiate 80% of divorce. Our societal structure tends to incentivize termination of a marriage/relationship because one party can benefit at the expense of the other and/or the government will step in with welfare benefits if you're a single parent and lower income.

http://www.divorcesource.com/blog/why-women-file-80-percent-of-divorces/

[james.hendrickson]

I'd agree with you that marriage was more than a speed bump or hiccup in the path towards destruction of the family structure. But the welfare state and no-fault divorce structure pretty much ensures it marriage is merely a contract that can be broken by either party for any reason. Society itself has strayed pretty far from the typical 2 parent, 2-3 kid model for a family.

And to even out your comment about walking away from commitments, I would say both parties could potentially be at fault. And I did a quick search, women initiate 80% of divorce. Our societal structure tends to incentivize termination of a marriage/relationship because one party can benefit at the expense of the other and/or the government will step in with welfare benefits if you're a single parent and lower income.

http://www.divorcesource.com/blog/wh...t-of-divorces/

Guys - just stepping in wearing my moderator hat.

Lets not forget to keep this thread on topic.

The initiators of divorce are a great topic...for another thread.

[MonkeyMama]

My question to those who view marriage so lightly, why did you get married? Did you use a minister or priest? Did you care what the vow said? I hope that you did, but you are all sounding like you didn't say anything. You just signed a paper.

What good are your words if you don't even consider them to have meaning?

No, our marriage was not religious, so we did not use a minister or a priest. It was a legal contract. (I share because it amazes me how many people don't know or understand that marriage is not just a religious institution. & I've had people soften their opinions, in the past, when I point this out). SORRY OP for the sidetrack, but I think open discussion like this is important, if it helps to broaden people's minds.

Who said that our wedding vows have no meaning?? My point was that we didn't *have to* get married to make a long-term commitment. We meant what we said, but we already felt that way, marriage or no marriage. The act of getting married didn't add any new meaning to our relationship. My husband wouldn't leave me as a single mom just because we didn't get around to signing a marriage contract - or vice versa - was more my point. That sounds completely ridiculous to both of us. Knowing this, what difference does it really make if we are married or not? We followed family tradition (don't know if we had thought beyond that because we married so young) and we enjoy legal protections and tax advantages. I don't think it's a bad thing that we did the whole ceremony re: our lifelong commitment. (My feelings probably mostly have to do with the point that we met very young, so chose to stay engaged several years before we married. I imagine people who marry more quickly may view their wedding as a the beginning of a bigger commitment, but that's just not how it worked out for us. We were already well into the long-term commitment phase when we did the formal wedding).

Dahlia - I think it's awesome you are still here. I just think open and honest is the best route. I think bringing it up was a good first step.

[PeggyHefferon]

For all of you sticking your nose into OPs relationship, it's not your business.

When you post online asking for advice, you don't get to pick and choose how people respond. And what YOU feel is relevant to the OPs questions is not always going to be the same as what other's feel is relevant.

That being said, I do help that you feel better after releasing the 5 years of pent up anger you have regarding this site.

[rennigade]

delete...too much fail to comment on


thread locked in 3....2.....1

[james.hendrickson]

Guys,

James here - again wearing my admin hat.

Please don't forget, personal attacks are a violation of forum rules.

So, lets try to keep thing civil and on-topic, otherwise the mods will need to close the thread.

[GoodSteward]

I'll start a new thread to allow some of these thoughts to advance. I'm curious to hear from others.

To the OP, glad to see you jump over this hurdle.