Making private charitable donations

[disneysteve]

I think your intent is wonderful. I would worry about the implementation, though. Let me by cynical for a moment.

It can be very hard to tell the difference between aiding and enabling, especially in an anonymous online forum. How much do you really know about the people you are offering to help? Do you have their income and budget info? Do you know how they are spending their money and what choices they have made that have led to the position they're in?

What happens after you successfully give money to a couple of people on the forum? How long do you think it will take before word spreads that there is some woman on the forum giving out money to people with good stories?

As for your family member, what happens when the husband finds out that the wife is hiding money from him? And he finds out where that money has come from? If they are already heading for divorce, it might not make much of a difference but if her intent is to stay with him, you could be lighting the fuse on a powder keg that will explode as soon as he finds out about it. You might want to rethink getting involved in someone else's marriage.

All of that said, if you feel you can adequately identify someone, trust that their story is true and that they are legitimately in need, and find a way to get money to them, go for it. I'm sure it will be appreciated. That just sounds like a pretty monumental task.

[nadine_doa]

Good points, all. Let me respond to a few.

It can be very hard to tell the difference between aiding and enabling, especially in an anonymous online forum. How much do you really know about the people you are offering to help? Do you have their income and budget info? Do you know how they are spending their money and what choices they have made that have led to the position they're in?

In some of the forums I frequent, people are remarkably frank about their life situation. They don't divulge everything, of course, but a number of them use the forum to post frequent daily updates about their situations. It's a way to de-stress and get some understanding.

OTOH, anyone who reads Craigslist sees a lot of sob stories that are heavy on manipulation. They pretty much always say, "We have no family or friends to help." The reason they have no family or friends is that they've burned through them all with their demands and their ingratitude, but they won't tell you that. They just want you to give them a place to live for free, or for a ridiculously low amount.

I am not interested in enabling folks who have chosen a lifetime of neediness. But there are people who are in difficult situations through no fault of their own.

What happens after you successfully give money to a couple of people on the forum? How long do you think it will take before word spreads that there is some woman on the forum giving out money to people with good stories?

I think I can spot that. I would encourage recipients to say as little as possible about the gift, lest they be opportuned by...well, opportunists.

As for your family member, what happens when the husband finds out that the wife is hiding money from him? And he finds out where that money has come from? If they are already heading for divorce, it might not make much of a difference but if her intent is to stay with him, you could be lighting the fuse on a powder keg that will explode as soon as he finds out about it. You might want to rethink getting involved in someone else's marriage.

It's not that way. They have a good (second) marriage but she is of an age where she wants to leave something to her own kids. I don't know how but her husband got his hands on the separate funds she brought into the marriage and tore through her son's college fund as well. Despite that, she still loves him.

She will be getting an inheritance. Legally it is her separate property. DH is the executor, so he'll be distributing funds once the estate is settled. They are talking about setting up a living trust for her, whereby the inheritance would be placed into the trust. Her husband couldn't touch it that way.

All of that said, if you feel you can adequately identify someone, trust that their story is true and that they are legitimately in need, and find a way to get money to them, go for it. I'm sure it will be appreciated. That just sounds like a pretty monumental task.

I'm having discussions with friends about non-profit organizations and it seems most of them have had the same dubious experiences I've had with doing charity that way. So I'm going to try this for a while and see if it works.

Thanks for your comments.

[disneysteve]

They have a good (second) marriage
her husband got his hands on the separate funds she brought into the marriage and tore through her son's college fund as well.

She will be getting an inheritance. Legally it is her separate property. DH is the executor, so he'll be distributing funds once the estate is settled. They are talking about setting up a living trust for her, whereby the inheritance would be placed into the trust. Her husband couldn't touch it that way..

Not to stray too far off topic, but you clearly has a very different definition of "a good marriage" than I do. A good marriage is not one where one partner basically robs the other and cleans out the kid's college fund.

As for the inheritance, yes, that is absolutely her money and should be kept separate so that he has no access to it whatsoever. All that requires, though, is her putting it in an account in her own name only and not giving him the password or other info needed to access it. I suppose a trust is fine, too, but it certainly isn't necessary. She can open an account at any bank, brokerage, mutual fund company, etc. on her own.

[HundredK]

I suppose a trust is fine, too, but it certainly isn't necessary. She can open an account at any bank, brokerage, mutual fund company, etc. on her own.

Steve is right. As a beneficiary who is currently trying to untangle a trust that should never have been set up in the first place, I'd encourage you to make that decision carefully. And remember, there are many financial advisers who will try to sell you anything to make a buck, so weigh their advice carefully too.

[nadine_doa]

Not to stray too far off topic, but you clearly has a very different definition of "a good marriage" than I do. A good marriage is not one where one partner basically robs the other and cleans out the kid's college fund.

Two points:

1. It's not my definition of a good marriage. It's hers.

2. No one knows everything that goes on inside a marriage, except the people in it.

Yes, we have strayed because earlier I included a largely-irrelevant anecdote.

[disneysteve]

1. It's not my definition of a good marriage. It's hers.

My apologies. The way that was worded it sounded like it was coming from you.

It's unfortunate that she sees it as a good marriage. Many women in abusive relationships are like that. They don't see it until they get out of the situation, and sometimes not even then.

[nadine_doa]

O.m.g.

I just had an epiphany. I sincerely wish I could share the particulars of it with you, but it is deeply personal and even under the cloak of anonymity I fear it would be revealing too much.

I can tell you this: My desire to help people out privately comes from not being appreciated in any emotionally satisfying way. An example: The checker at the supermarket yesterday thanked me five times while I was checking out -- it seems many of us use "Thanks" to fill in conversational pauses. It didn't mean anything to me. I'm sure they'd rather have my custom than not, but it didn't make me feel good about shopping there.

But a "thank you" coupled with the knowledge that I had truly helped someone out of a bind would be...incredible. Awesome. Gratifying. Worth it.

As I said before, most philanthropy is selfish. This just proves my point.

[disneysteve]

most philanthropy is selfish.

Do you mean that people do it because it makes them feel good? If so, I suppose that's true. I enjoy knowing that I'm helping people in need. I don't really think of that as me being selfish, though. I guess it depends on how you look at it.

[HundredK]

Do you mean that people do it because it makes them feel good? If so, I suppose that's true. I enjoy knowing that I'm helping people in need. I don't really think of that as me being selfish, though. I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Selfish isn't a bad thing, by nature, nearly everything we do is selfish in some fashion. Look up reciprocal altruism. The field of evolutionary psychology talks a lot about this.