One More Day

[DaveInPgh]

I can understand still wanting a babysitter for at least some portion of time. As much as you love your kids, you still need a break.

But in all seriousness, hiring a babysitter for a date night is understandable to me. Keeping a pre-retirement babysitter arrangement makes zero sense to me.

[MonkeyMama]

I can understand still wanting a babysitter for at least some portion of time. As much as you love your kids, you still need a break.

Agreed.

My spouse stayed home full-time but we put our kids in part-time daycare. It takes a village. I think the negativity about daycare and so on probably comes more from limited choices. I can't imagine a better situation for both my kids and our own happiness/marriage. My kids were very blessed. But we were never in a more "stuck" position with having to find daycare or anything like that. I think it's totally different when it's completely optional. You can be VERY picky.

[disneysteve]

But in all seriousness, hiring a babysitter for a date night is understandable to me. Keeping a pre-retirement babysitter arrangement makes zero sense to me.

It's fine if that's how you and your spouse feel about it but please don't judge or criticize others who feel differently.

[DaveInPgh]

It's fine if that's how you and your spouse feel about it but please don't judge or criticize others who feel differently.

Steve, I am stating my opinion on something related to personal finances. "Personally" and "to me."

Just like you state your opinions on cars, real estate and other personal finance topics.

[Fishindude77]

Report from day one of part time employment.
Worked five hours, then went fishing and caught 22 black crappie. I belive I'm starting to adjust

[GoodSteward]

But in all seriousness, hiring a babysitter for a date night is understandable to me. Keeping a pre-retirement babysitter arrangement makes zero sense to me.

It depends on the times for me. I mean, if you are talking about a nanny during the day, then that is no different than daycare or school as far as someone taking care while you are away. If you are talking about someone else always there to help with the kids, that's not something i would want. That won't create a very healthy relationship with your kids either.

[disneysteve]

If you are talking about someone else always there to help with the kids, that's not something i would want. That won't create a very healthy relationship with your kids either.

Really? What makes you say that? I know plenty of people who have live-in help like an au pair. She's basically like another member of the family.

[GoodSteward]

Really? What makes you say that? I know plenty of people who have live-in help like an au pair. She's basically like another member of the family.

Why do we feel it is ok to be so preoccupied that we need someone else to help do our responsibility? And then expect our kids to have as good of a relationship with us when someone else is doing our job? I don't have someone like that, but it doesn't make sense to me that it would be as good. I'll admit I could be wrong, but it does sound to me like someone isn't wanting to really parent if they need someone else to help raise the kids.

My question would be why do you need that help? What is so important constantly that you can't help your children when needed? Occasional help(house cleaning, etc) or some day help due to jobs I can see. Constant after hours doesn't sound right to me.

[MonkeyMama]

I'll admit I could be wrong,.

I think we should just leave it at that.

This is really a cultural bias. You know what else is very normal in our culture? Divorce. Isolation. Unhappiness.

(All I know is we always get unhappy people with hell children judging us. Is no sweat off our backs because we are very happy. But I just don't know why people are so preoccupied when people are actually thriving and happy. More important things to worry about like real problems).

I can't answer your other questions because I don't have a nanny. One of my good friends is a teacher and so is her husband and they LOVE kids. They have 4 kids. They have a live-in nanny. They just love kids and they love their jobs. As a working mom, I'd say, if you have someone helping with the minutiae (like my stay-home hubby does) then you have more quality time with your kids. Whatever people project onto me as a full-time working mom mostly just sounds insane to me. The reality is I never missed a single milestone with my kids. But I have a very flexible job and a stay-home hubby helping me. I am not spending my evenings and weekends doing errands, cooking, laundry, etc. My husband does most of that. If he wanted to work, I could see a nanny being useful as to giving us much more quality time with our kids. A nanny or a daycare situation would also be far more stable than more random help. We never hired a babysitter, on the flip side. Someone who is family or "practically like family" we felt okay with. But we weren't into hiring random babysitters, but we also didn't go out on a very regular basis. I am sure if we went out every week we could find an "almost like family" situation. (Just trying to think through other reasons people prefer more constant help).

[DaveInPgh]

Why do we feel it is ok to be so preoccupied that we need someone else to help do our responsibility? And then expect our kids to have as good of a relationship with us when someone else is doing our job? I don't have someone like that, but it doesn't make sense to me that it would be as good. I'll admit I could be wrong, but it does sound to me like someone isn't wanting to really parent if they need someone else to help raise the kids.

My question would be why do you need that help? What is so important constantly that you can't help your children when needed? Occasional help(house cleaning, etc) or some day help due to jobs I can see. Constant after hours doesn't sound right to me.

I am with you on this one. And I am speaking strictly about child care. Having help inside the home for cleaning & cooking is different. I view that as a luxury that might be highly beneficial to those that can truly afford it.

However, I do not agree with full time child care when a stay at home parent exists. What are they preoccupied with that is keeping them from caring for their kid(s)? Chores? Spend the money on a cleaning service instead of a nanny.

There are circumstances in which my personal opinion would change, elder care being one, but not to free up time for mere enjoyment.

[disneysteve]

Why do we feel it is ok to be so preoccupied that we need someone else to help do our responsibility? And then expect our kids to have as good of a relationship with us when someone else is doing our job? I don't have someone like that, but it doesn't make sense to me that it would be as good. I'll admit I could be wrong, but it does sound to me like someone isn't wanting to really parent if they need someone else to help raise the kids.

Wow. Could you be any more judgemental?

Au pairs are well-established providers. I've never had one but I know plenty of people who do and they're all terrific parents, probably even more so thanks to the extra pair of hands they've got.

Au pairs also have very strict work rules. They can only work a certain number of hours per day and days per week. They aren't slaves by any means. So the family and au pair need to work together to identify the schedule that makes the most sense for their needs so that the extra help is there when it is most needed.

Au pairs really become like a member of the family. Some of my cousins are now grown adults but are still stay in touch with all of their au pairs as dear friends.

I also have friends who are professional nannys and the same goes for all of them.

If it's not right for you, there's nothing at all wrong with that, but don't disparage those who make other choices (or have the means to make other choices).

[GoodSteward]

I am just stating what I observe. I'm not a surface value kind of guy, I look at behavioral and long term issues due to my alternate profession(I have to help once all the bad choices have caught up with people and they come asking for advice/counseling). Just because you are home with your kids doesn't mean you are connecting with them if someone else is doing all the work with them while you are busy doing your own thing(regardless of a nanny). I didn't say it couldn't work, but from the mechanics of a family I don't think it's a good thing. You don't have to like my opinion, it's ok. It doesn't hurt my feelings. We don't often see the results of our decisions until years later when it comes to marriage and family.

I have a close relative that was a full-time nanny and it broke her own marriage apart due to never being home with them. I was always wondering how they could maintain a happy marriage if she was at the other house from breakfast to supper(made all the meals) and then went home. Apparently, it wasn't so happy. This isn't a good situation to put yourself in if you have a family. There isn't enough of you to give your best to two families.

[disneysteve]

I was always wondering how they could maintain a happy marriage if she was at the other house from breakfast to supper(made all the meals) and then went home.

How is that any different than if she had some other full-time job and was gone all day? It sounds like the issues there weren't caused by her being a nanny but by something else. It isn't unusual for me to be gone from 7:30am until 9:30pm. Does that make me a bad parent or a bad husband?

[GoodSteward]

How is that any different than if she had some other full-time job and was gone all day? It sounds like the issues there weren't caused by her being a nanny but by something else. It isn't unusual for me to be gone from 7:30am until 9:30pm. Does that make me a bad parent or a bad husband?

She also ended up marrying the guy of the other family when the wife passed from an illness. I don't think she cheated, but it sure looks bad in the way it happened. Myself, and other family members, had a lot of questions about this before she married and thought she was getting too close. When she would visit she only ever talked about the other family, never her own.

You are absolutely right, this can happen to anybody that puts too much time into other things. And that's the point here, this is one of those other things that can lead to it.

[disneysteve]

She also ended up marrying the guy of the other family when the wife passed

You are absolutely right, this can happen to anybody

Exactly. Sounds like it had nothing to do with her being a nanny.

I fail to see how that is a reason that people shouldn't have nannies, though.