A dependent mother I never knew I had (long)

[ua_guy]

About 6 months ago I posted that I met my birth mother for the first time as an adult, in my 30's. I was adopted at birth and was raised by a wonderful family, but it was always on my bucket list to understand the story of my adoption and discover my biological heritage. Check! Well, at least, half of it.

The challenge, now that I've made contact with this family (mother's side only, for now), is how close do I become with them? How involved do I get? If you were in my shoes, where do you think compassion ends in terms of support? I've discussed this with friends/family, but I think it's good to get perspectives from people who are distanced/uninterested. Back story:

My birth mother is in her mid 50's and her health recently deteriorated to a point where she needs to be in an adult family home/assisted living. She's spent the last few months in/out of the hospital and physical rehab facilities. Advanced stage COPD and related issues. She's been on disability for a long time, does not work, does not drive, and has no resources except for her tiny fixed income. She keeps a small rental (trailer) where she co-habitated (also on/off- relationship troubles) with another man-- also with severe health problems, and no resources. But, they were something to each other, and despite their troubles, they looked after each other.

Last month, her landlord notified her the property she rents is being sold and she has until May 1 to leave. My birth mother's partner said he would help to pack and move all her/their stuff into storage (interesting--his license is revoked, yet he has access to a registered vehicle. Doesn't that make you feel good?). Finding a cheap (affordable) place for her isn't easy, so they were going to move in together (again) in a house where he was currently staying. She cannot get around or do any kind of physical labor right now. Meanwhile, she had a social worker helping determine eligibility for her to be placed in an adult family/assisted living home. That's not easy, and she knows it's the next logical step, but she values her independence, so is reluctant to adopt the idea wholesale. Also, being accepted into one on short notice means it may not be a good home. A lot of those state-sponsored places exist to collect the state subsidy, and that is all. Care is secondary and the caregivers and tenants there can be...awful.

So, it got worse. Last week she called me in tears and was beside herself. Her partner was found dead in a rural area. She doesn't know what to do. She's losing her place, and doesn't have anything lined up yet. She cannot move her things. She is estranged from most of her other family, a few of them are worse off than her. But she does have two other children (my half-siblings) who are "young" (early 20's). Their father passed a while back. They also have no resources, and they're not prepared for/ and I don't think they understand what having a dependent family member means. They are sympathetic to her to a point, but having no money, they can't fix her situation either. They barely have money to drive up to their mother's place.

I cannot offer her a place to live. I will not pay for housing or give her money. I understand that the problems return as soon as the money stops, i.e. I cannot fix this situation. It's awkward because I do not know my birth mother well--but I see a lot of myself in her, and she is familiar to me by default. I don't feel like I love her as my mother, no, I already have one of those and she is my "real mom." But I love my birth mother because we are related; we are kindred souls, in a sense. It would be hard for me to say "good luck" and turn away. I was raised to be compassionate. This, after all, is what sets us apart from being animals.

For the immediate situation, I said I would step in and help get her place squared away. I will show up with a truck, we'll pack everything up, and deliver it to a storage facility (which she is responsible for leasing, not me). I'll foot the cost of the truck rental and gas, and provide additional free labor--bringing my partner with me, and if my half-siblings show up, I'll make sure we're all well-fed for the day. It's what I'd do for a good friend. But at the end of the day, I'll be bowing out. Does that sound reasonable, or do you think that is a slippery slope/too much?

Beyond that--I've offered to help her find a place, i.e. talking/coordinating with the social worker, and maybe taking her around on the weekend or after I get home from work, to visit different facilities, if she'd like. I can't think of any other way to support her other than to assist in getting her to a better place. As that was her goal for me when she placed me for adoption, this, too, is kind of my goal since re-entering her life at this critical point (either by chance, or by design--).

So, interwebs, do you have any financial advice or general advice that you think applies? Have you ever been in a similar situation with dependent friends/family? Does this sound like a good approach?

This is also a great story of how a person who worked for a living can lose everything due to health issues, and also a great example of why it's important to take care of oneself and do retirement planning well in advance. YMMV.

[frugalredhead]

While I have not been in the same situation as you exactly, I agree wholeheartedly with your plan. It is nice of you to help her out, but you definitely shouldn't take on the whole burden and financially support her.

My mother is in a similar situation, although hers is caused by mental illness and personal irresponsibility, and I have no intentions of helping her financially down the road. She got a huge inheritance when my grandma died 5 years ago and she pissed it all away on clothes and vacations, and now has nothing. No retirement either, since she has been self employed or unemployed most of my life.

Obviously your situation is a little different, but you should by no means feel obligated to do more than you already are. I think you're doing a great thing for her. Definitely talk to the case manager about the homes you're looking at - they know them inside and out, and you're right, the ones that have beds available aren't necessarily somewhere you'd want to be! Definitely help her do some research on that end to find somewhere safe for her.

Good luck!

[FrugalFish]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good plan. It's all about boundaries, and make sure you maintain yours in a way that feels right to you.

I don't have much time right now, and probably don't want to go into much detail, but I can relate to being in a similar situation- estranged father who came back into my life in my late 30s. I'm now in my 40s. A year ago he had some problems which landed him in an assisted living facility for an extended period of time. If I were to do one thing differently, I would have installed him in a facility that was further from my home than what ended up. Long story short, we thought it would be more convenient to place him in a home 15 minutes from us, but that ended up being a mistake. He demanded constantly--- he was bored, wanted attention at all times, expected that DH or myself would show up daily, expected me to come get him on a whim so he could go buy a tube of toothpaste, etc. I didn't have a problem with helping him to a reasonable extent, but he figured since he was so close, we should be happy to serve him. Before this situation, we had a polite, but distant relationship, so we hadn't anticipated the demands. If I had to do it over again, I would place him far enough away that it had to be a planned trip, and not just a "jog over." He's able to live independently again, for now, and what fragile bit of a relationship we had is mostly done. Obviously, individual circumstances apply, but in my case, it did the opposite of building a stronger relationship-- but I can tell you he was not a good father in the past and time and circumstances didn't improve him.

I don't know if it could possibly be an option for your birth mother, but we used a residential care facility, which is a home in a neighborhood that is licensed and staffed 24 hours a day. They have fewer residents, are not medical facilities (but are prepared for such situations), and seem to be all around more homey for people who need 24 hour care, but not intensive care. When we placed my father in one of these, the owner talked some about what would happen when/if he ran out of money (the fallback was that social programs kick in to pay costs, and he would have to share a room with another resident). It's definitely a nice set up to look into, though I don't know what it takes to make it an option.

Good luck to you.

[kork13]

This has all the makings of a heartbreaking situation, but I honestly think you're handling it in the very best way possible. While you have *some* ties to your birth-mother, I think you're very right in treating her no different than you would for another adult friend (help moving, a meal or two, and helping to find a place). Like you, I would do that in a heartbeat for a friend in need of some help. Beyond that, I think your best course is to set her up with a person or organization that can help her without your direct involvement (again, exactly as you're doing by connecting her with a social worker). Certainly there is more that you could do if so desired, but I feel that little more could be expected of you by any sense of duty or obligation.

I think that you're being very generous, kind, and caring to provide what you're planning. In your shoes (while hoping never to be faced with it), I would only hope that I could approach the situation so pragmatically as you are doing. Help her to get on a more secure path, but don't allow yourself to become entangled in her chaos. She will most certainly be grateful for your assistance -- you will have provided essential assistance at a critical time of vulnerability for her.

Best of luck to her in the coming months...

[snafu]

I'm jumping in to wish you luck and thank you for your charitable heart giving time and covering costs. I'd let the social worker know you are concerned and monitoring the situation expecting the state to provide money and services. I'd caution about getting pulled deeper into birth family's problems. Offer an ear to listen but keep barriers on time, money and personal effort.

I've someone close battling COPD for the past 12 years and it's a daily matter of will to follow all the demands to eat correctly, 'exercise' and give yourself positive, internal messages. If your birth mother belong to a church they have a lot of volunteer services for parishioners. What services does the local COPD organization offer?

[creditcardfree]

I think you are making the right choices in assisting your birth mother. You have the right mix of boundaries and assistance given the situation and relationship.

[ua_guy]

Thanks to all who responded. This has been a heavy week, not only hearing her situation but also my mind bouncing around wondering if I'm crazy for even getting involved.

Snafu - I think that's a good idea, and something I'll look into, about the COPD organizations. I think she has her work cut out for her in trying to improve her health. Anything helps.

[FrugalFish]

ua_guy, I was thinking on this a little further after my initial post...

Something that I've also heard from other "caregivers" about the demands they experience, is that those demands can also extend to being from other family members. Whoever is geographically closest to the person who can no longer be independent, is going to be the person that others expect to jump-to for the person. We even had family members who made unreasonable demands of F's elderly disabled friends, because they were the ones who were physically closest at the time (before DH and I moved him). You would hope most people would be thoughtful in that regard, but some things never cease to amaze. It's just something to keep in mind.

Also, I'd be very cautious in the future about the possibility of being put on someone's financial POA or healthcare directive. Not something you asked about, but something I experienced. I didn't even know I was listed as F's healthcare agent until after his problems started. This had a nightmarish number of issues attached to it- not so much the legal obligation end of things for us, but once again the expectations and interactions of other family members. I would have been happier to help F on a friend basis, than to have the directive thrown in my face as some kind of obligation whenever someone else was unhappy with even the smallest of details. It was actually not my obligation that was ever dropped, but F had appointed his good-for-nothing son as his financial POA, and the son would not abide by the decisions I made under the healthcare directive- and therefore refused to do anything. Bills did not get paid, the property never got taken care of, etc-- and since I was overseeing his care more directly from the health standpoint (and being physically present), everything seemed to roll down on me, even when it was not something I could or should do anything about. I would avoid being in a position of that kind of responsibility unless you are feeling very comfortable and confident with the person and situation. Of course, that would probably be something much further down the line, but again, something to think about.

[ua_guy]

ua_guy, I was thinking on this a little further after my initial post...

Something that I've also heard from other "caregivers" about the demands they experience, is that those demands can also extend to being from other family members. Whoever is geographically closest to the person who can no longer be independent, is going to be the person that others expect to jump-to for the person. We even had family members who made unreasonable demands of F's elderly disabled friends, because they were the ones who were physically closest at the time (before DH and I moved him). You would hope most people would be thoughtful in that regard, but some things never cease to amaze. It's just something to keep in mind.

Also, I'd be very cautious in the future about the possibility of being put on someone's financial POA or healthcare directive. Not something you asked about, but something I experienced. I didn't even know I was listed as F's healthcare agent until after his problems started. This had a nightmarish number of issues attached to it- not so much the legal obligation end of things for us, but once again the expectations and interactions of other family members. I would have been happier to help F on a friend basis, than to have the directive thrown in my face as some kind of obligation whenever someone else was unhappy with even the smallest of details. It was actually not my obligation that was ever dropped, but F had appointed his good-for-nothing son as his financial POA, and the son would not abide by the decisions I made under the healthcare directive- and therefore refused to do anything. Bills did not get paid, the property never got taken care of, etc-- and since I was overseeing his care more directly from the health standpoint (and being physically present), everything seemed to roll down on me, even when it was not something I could or should do anything about. I would avoid being in a position of that kind of responsibility unless you are feeling very comfortable and confident with the person and situation. Of course, that would probably be something much further down the line, but again, something to think about.

You make a good point. Truthfully, I don't know much about POA's and being the executor of medical directives, etc. I would assume that I would also need to agree to be that person before the paperwork for those things is completed (requiring my signature, perhaps?). I don't know what kind of debts she has, or what other family members might surface if she were to pass. If she approached me to be "that person" to see her to the end of her life, it's something that would need a lot of discussion and clear direction.

As with the location of an ADH/assisted living facility, I know it cannot be any closer than "planned visit" territory to where I currently live, for exactly the reason you stated earlier. My schedule (and willingness) does not allow me to just pop over if she needs attention, or is bored, or needs help with a relatively trivial issue. So that's good advice there. The area she has been considering fits that requirement of being far enough away where I would be inaccessible for ad-hoc visits, so that's good.

One of my goals is to talk with my half-brother and maybe get to meet him this weekend in the move process (I don't know him very well, we've exchanged a few emails, etc). I'd like to get a sense for his relationship with his mom and encourage him to be a bit more involved, where he can. She needs more support than I can give alone. I get the sense he's terrified of his mom's situation, and is probably terrified of me as well. But I need to find a way (which I will frame in better words) that it's time for him to put on his big boy pants. I think the road only gets worse from here, unfortunately.

Again, thanks for the encouraging words and advice.

[FrugalFish]

I would assume that I would also need to agree to be that person before the paperwork for those things is completed (requiring my signature, perhaps?).

I did not even know that I was listed as his agent until some time after he had been declared mentally incompetent. His paperwork was prepared at a lawyers office, so at least in my state you don't have to make it clear to the named person, though I would think a lawyer would encourage it. It was being caught off guard in that moment (of learning that he had given me this responsibility) that partly led me down the road of trying to do so much for this man. An agent does have the option to resign from the position, so even if someone named you, you could choose to not serve in that capacity.

I wanted to resign early on, but was given a rash of guilt about abandoning the position in F's time of need. If a similar situation arises with F again, the first thing I will do is head to a notary with a letter and/or form, and resign the position due to "personal and/or philosophical reasons." I mention this to you because the concept of a medical agent was described to me as mostly making medical decisions on his behalf and ensuring that his medical (and funeral) wishes were fulfilled as well as possible- it sounded very straightforward, so I probably would have said yes, even if asked. I had no idea how much other people would or could try to use that document as leverage against me or a situation they didn't like. Wouldn't do it again unless I had a VERY close relationship with the person.

[FrugalFish]

one more thing...

Hopefully you can connect with her son (your half-brother?) and maybe he'll be on the same page, but failing that, you have the option of directing anyone who comes to you in the direction of her son. Don't let your willingness to help become his crutch against growing up. With a little forethought you can cut things like that off at the pass. That was what I ended up doing with good-for-nothing. If someone called wanting something that he should have been dealing with, I'd tell them I had no bearing on F's finances and they need to call the son. The son would then turn around and explain that I was suppose to be doing ALL the footwork for him in regard to the financial POA, so he couldn't fulfill his obligation unless I did everything for him but write the checks. In the end I had a lawyer tell me to walk away from my family(of origin) because the son refusing to do his end of things made it an unworkable situation.

Good luck to you. Don't let the situation overwhelm you, be sure to step back and take care of yourself and your family. NO is not a 4 letter word...

[Bob B.]

I don't have much to add, other than know when to say no. What you've outlined sounds like a good plan.

You may remember from your previous threads on this topic that my wife and I adopted two boys from foster care. So, the fundamental difference between your situation and my situation is that your birth mother wanted the best for you. The four birth parents of my two boys did not.

Our birth parents are court-ordered to have no contact with our boys until they are 18. I've often wondered what might happen after they turn 18. Their birth parents are not nice people. At all.

They do lead lifestyles such that their making it to ages 55 or 60 is less than absolutely likely.

But, I can envision a scenario where at least one of the birth parents makes it to an age and situation like your birth mom.

I'm glad you're in a situation that you can offer as much help as you determine is reasonable.

[ua_guy]

Bob - I do remember you mentioning your adopted children. I hope they can wait until later in life to reconnect with or meet their birth parents. It's an adult-grade confidence I've needed to rely on in my own adventure in meeting my birth family. The important thing to remember is, they are more of a product of you and your wife as adoptive parents and the way you love, teach, and inspire them, even though they may share genetic code and common risk factors with their birth parents. They are NOT their birth family. I had to dig very deep and remind myself of that this weekend. I saw myself in a parallel universe and it was terrifying.

All in all I spent about $350 getting my birth mother's stuff-- things of value, and sentimental items, all packed up and put in storage. Her home is something out of a horror movie and is reflective of the way she has neglected and sabotaged her own life. Very sad. My half-sister was very helpful and thankful. I told her not to keep going this alone--she knows, and it's obvious that this is wearing very hard on her, and she's young. I was pleased to hear she has already squared away DNR orders and Power of Attorney with her mother, though. I'd encourage anyone with a medically vulnerable family member to do the same, as these are important and very powerful documents best squared away when everyone is of sound mind.

[Bob B.]

even though they may share genetic code and common risk factors with their birth parents.

Yep, our 5 yo's birth mother's family has a history with Polycystic Kidney Disease. Her father died at a young age because of it, and she has it as well. Her children have a 25% chance of developing it, and she's had 4 kids that we know of.

DS had an ultrasound on his kidneys probably three years ago, and nothing showed up. We'll have him tested for it again in the next ten years or so.