Does wedding planning mean we aren't financially compatible?

[springwedding]

I have a terrible dilemma. My partner and I have been dating for 4 years and are in love. As with all couples, we have our differences, but these differences have come out in stark reality with the planning of our wedding. My partner wants a huge wedding with everything to make it the "perfect day" I, on the other hand, want to make it a reasonable wedding and save the tens of thousands of dollars that perfect wedding would cost to establish out future. I thought I had compromised a great deal letting my partner have a much more extravagant wedding than I think is necessary, but my compromise isn't enough. When discussing the wedding, the conversation is often stopped with ne being berated for being "cheap" For the first time since we have dated, and even though we are in love, I see a terrible gap in the way we view money. Can something like this be a deal breaker? Has anyone had a situation like this and were you able to solve the issue. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[snafu]

Welcome to SA.

I'm going to presume you're the guy nearly shocked out of your shoes by the well established wedding industry who uses emotion and guile to convince brides that they need to celebrate this important milestone by impressing friends and acquaintances with a ton of frippery sold as 'tradition.' Every trick is used to manipulate emotions and subconsciously suggest her wedding is very important to her and therefore must be the one everyone remembers. They do a good job of transferring money from your pocket to theirs.

Can you outline your vision of an ideal wedding? Officiant/ceremony? How many guests? Venue? Transportation, Special clothes? Party: food, drink, decoration, entertainment? Anticipated cost per guest? How much have each of you saved for this event? Does your income support a 'huge' wedding?

Have you been to marriage school? Have you had serious talks about your philosophy about money? Do either of you have Student Loans, credit card debt, car loan? How do you two currently manage expenses?

http://www.savingadvice.com/forums/general-discussion/75393-how-much-should-wedding-cost.html

[frugalredhead]

Am I correct is assuming that you are the groom? Brides tend to get swept up into the fancy wedding magazines, everything they see at bridal shows, and keeping up with every celebrity wedding we see on tv. DH and I spent entirely too much money on our wedding, and although our wedding was perfect for us, it wouldn't have been any less perfect if we had cut a few things. If I had the mentality then that I do now, it would have cost half as much.

I strongly suggest premarital counseling for the two of you to discuss your differences. If you're getting married in a church, it may be required anyway.

I grew up in a family that didn't talk about money. My mom spent it, my dad resented it and said nothing, and they got divorced when I was 16. So I spent the first 8 or so years of my marriage not really talking to my husband about money concerns, not wanting to disagree if he wanted to buy something that I didn't think we should spend our money on, etc. Money is hard to talk about, but it's SO important to be more or less on the same page to have a successful marriage. It's okay to have one person a little more frugal than the other, but it sounds like right now you two are on completely different pages. Talking to a professional may help. Good luck!

[Bob B.]

It doesn't get easier to make decisions together after marriage. This is something that coul irk you for years, each month you pay the interest on the debt for a wedding you can't afford. I agree that you should seek professional pre-marriage counseling.

[feh]

It doesn't get easier to make decisions together after marriage. This is something that coul irk you for years, each month you pay the interest on the debt for a wedding you can't afford. I agree that you should seek professional pre-marriage counseling.

+1

If I'm not mistaken, money issues are the leading cause of divorce. Address this difference now.

[disneysteve]

It doesn't get easier to make decisions together after marriage. This is something that coul irk you for years, each month you pay the interest on the debt for a wedding you can't afford. I agree that you should seek professional pre-marriage counseling.

+1

If I'm not mistaken, money issues are the leading cause of divorce. Address this difference now.

I agree 100%. This is a HUGE red flag. I would not say "I do" with this person unless you are able to work this out to your satisfaction. This should absolutely be looked at as a "deal breaker" in my opinion. If you can't agree on one day, how will you be able to work together for the rest of your lives? When it comes time to buy a house, if you want something modest and she/he wants something much more extravagant, what happens? When you start a family, if you want to buy the basics at local thrift stores and she/he wants to buy the best of everything brand new, what happens? Something as simple as going out to dinner or taking a vacation will be a major argument. Fix this now of else don't say we didn't warn you.

[Petunia 100]

The money issue is a big issue, but something else jumps out at me. Something I find even more alarming.

Your significant other is berating you and calling you names (your words). Does your significant other respect you or not? Find out. Do not marry someone who does not respect you.

[disneysteve]

The money issue is a big issue, but something else jumps out at me. Something I find even more alarming.

Your significant other is berating you and calling you names (your words). Does your significant other respect you or not? Find out. Do not marry someone who does not respect you.

Excellent point. There is more than one red flag here. I don't think I'd be heading to the altar with this person. You say you love each other. You don't berate and insult someone you love.

[HappySaver]

Was surprised by the first two responses to OP's post. The assumption was that OP is the man, and the partner is the woman. Just want to point out that yes, it could be the reverse, but also that the couple could be same-sex. In any case, not really relevant and glad to see the advice has shifted to answering the OP's question.

I agree wholeheartedly with the general sentiment that you absolutely need to work out these differences before agreeing to get married. Financial disagreements are the number one reason for divorce, and the lack of respect is also glaring.'

Best of luck.

[lootpacman]

Excellent point. There is more than one red flag here. I don't think I'd be heading to the altar with this person. You say you love each other. You don't berate and insult someone you love.

I agree with this. Any type of berating is bad especially when your concerns are reasonable. Sounds like your partner going off of emotions and social pressure (assuming she's the woman who might have a lot of married friends or friends getting married).

Maybe postpone for a while and get to understand each others motivations?

Source: I've seen this in my family from a detached perspective, the marriage runs outs a gas very quickly.

[springwedding]

What is the proper response to "you're being cheap!"

I want to come back with "you're being to extravagant!" but that would be taken as a compliment by my partner whereas the "cheap" comment is an insult.

I wish I could say things have changed or gotten better since I wrote this, but we're in the same rutt. I still believe we're in love, but I see this view on money as a gap that's widening.

[disneysteve]

I still believe we're in love, but I see this view on money as a gap that's widening.

Take it from an old married guy - Love is not enough to build and sustain a relationship. It is very possible - quite common I believe - to be in love but not be compatible life partners. A sucessful relationship takes trust and respect and compromise and shared values and goals and more. Sure, the love needs to be there, but if the other stuff is missing, the relationship won't last. I think a great many divorces can be attributed to this. Couples marry because they are in love and think that's the be all and end all. Then after a few years (or less), they come to realize that even though they love each other, they don't like each other, they don't respect each other, they don't have that much in common with each other. All of those facts were plainly visible before the marriage but were ignored in the face of love.

Other than my wife, I have been in love with 3 other women in my lifetime. I had fairly serious relationships with 2 of them. I can honestly say that we all still love each other very much and I'm still very close friends with all 3. We just weren't compatible partners for various reasons, accepted that fact, and moved on. We didn't stop loving each other. We didn't stop caring about each other. We just stopped being in a relationshp together.

Pay heed to the warning signs. Work on settling the differences now. If you can, that's great. If you can't, take that as a sign of things to come if you proceed with marriage and get out before things get that far.

Sorry if this goes way off topic for a financial discussion board.

[FelicitaHarper]

It happens many times that when you start discussing the serious matters such as money then only you come to know whether you and your partner are on the on the same page or not. Try to explain your point of view to him as y you want to have a humble wedding rather than an extravagant one. I am sure he will definitely understand.