Financially Abusive Relationship

[Sallyusa]

I hope that all of you don't think that I'm crazy, but I think I am currently in a financially abusive relationship. There is no physical abuse that is taking place, but I'm not sure that this is any better. I don't really have anybody that I can talk to, so I thought that posting here would be a good way to see if what I'm thinking is accurate, or if I'm just making all this stuff up in my mind.

I'm married to a man who is fairly controlling in all aspects of life, but extremely controlling when it comes to money. He doesn't want me to work outside the home, but he also puts me on a strict budget this he oversees and make sure that it's adhered to each month. If for some reason I go outside the budget parameters, I will have an even stricter budget to work with the next month.

Sometimes it's just not possible to stay within the budget that he sets, and it's quite frustrating because the budget isn't all the money that we have. He tends to spend money freely on himself, but when it comes to the things that I'm supposed to buy such as groceries, stuff at the drugstore, and my own personal shopping needs, I have a limited amount of money that I can't go over.

I find this extremely restricting and feel that he is using money as a way to force his will upon me. I've tried several times to find a job so that I can have my own money, but every time it looks like I might be able to get something, he insists that it would be to the detriment of the family if I didn't.

Is what is happening to me consider financial abuse? Is it common for people to use money to control other people?

I'm not sure that there is a whole lot but I'm going to be able to do to solve the situation, but I think it's important for me to understand exactly what's going on here. I want to make sure that I'm not making stuff up in my head, and this is a situation where it isn't right what he's doing.

[Retired To Win]

What you are being subjected to is very, very bad. And yes, it is abusive.

If you want to get a perspective on the entirely opposite way to approach marital finances, feel free to check out my blog post on that topic.

Marital Finances Our Way:

http://retired-to-win.savingadvice.com/2014/04/11/marital-finances-our-way_108269/

You've got to find a way to change your situation.

The very best of luck to you.

[ua_guy]

This classifies as emotional abuse; not all abusive relationships are physical in nature; it's abuse all the same.

What your husband is doing doesn't sound right (there even seems to be punishment/retaliation going on); and the fact that you are questioning your intuitions about it and you led with "I hope that all of you don't think that I'm crazy" is a warning sign.

You're not crazy; what you are feeling is real and I think you should seriously consider seeking counseling. It sounds like you need someone who can help you and provide outside perspective, and to help you manage your situation or get yourself away from it.

[snafu]

Has this been going on since day one or is it getting more restrictive? Inflation is making the cost of stuff get more expensive every year, has the amount you've been given increased about 4% each year? Is there anyone you can talk to whose opinion your husband will respect like a minister/priest? Have you talked to his parents about this money issue? Have you been to the bank to look at the s accounts? Can you access them on-line?

I don't want to make trouble so I hesitate to say...in my house he wouldn't last two days. Men got away with that behaviour last century but not since 2000. He is being horribly, emotionally abusive and he needs help. I hope you'll see a counsellor to determine how to access money. Polish up your resume and go see possible employers. Jobs are rarely advertised these days, you need to get out and look. Tell everyone you know that you're looking for work as most jobs are by referral.

[dczech09]

So he does not want you to work out of the home and make an income on the side, yet he also requires that you stick to HIS budget?!

This is not a healthy way to handle marital finances; you two should be communicating and working together. I think the issue comes from him seeing his income as HIS income rather than the household income. And the fact that he does not even want you to go out and work is kinda like he is forcing you to live under his rules. Its a trap.

This is NOT a financial problem. This is a marriage problem. You two need to see a family and marriage therapist. A good therapist can help unroot the REAL reasons why your husband feels like he needs to control you and behave in this way.

Right now, you're not working as a team. It is more of a 'slave and slave master' relationship. He may not be open to seeing a therapist, but if your marriage is going to work, that is what you are going to need to do.

[dczech09]

I will add this...

Marital finances can usually work in multiple different ways:

Joint Finances - this is like what Dave Ramsey advocates. All income is household income (not my income or your income). All expenses are household expenses (not my expense or your expense).

Joint with Separate Finances - this is like what my parent's have determined to be best for them. Household expenses are shared or split. Any other income that each person has after household is taken care of is their own money.

Separate Finances - this is more like the married couple are room-mates. All income and expenses are separate and there is no "sharing" of finances.

If your husband is going to request that you stay at home and not work outside of the house, then he will need to be willing to share finances.

If your husband does not want to share finances and he wants control over his money, then he will need to grow-up and be okay with you working outside of the home.

[Retired To Win]

I will add this...

Marital finances can usually work in multiple different ways:

... Joint with Separate Finances - this is like what my parent's have determined to be best for them. Household expenses are shared or split. Any other income that each person has after household is taken care of is their own money. (REPLY EXCERPTED)

That is how my wife and I have done our marital finances for the last 20+ years. It has worked for us. (See reply #1 in this thread for more details.)

[AggieLife]

Much has been said regarding this, but yes, that is being abusive. By not allowing you to get a job AND restricting your budget (on needs nonetheless) is a bad thing.

I would second looking for a priest/minister and have a talk with them about it. Try to talk with your husband. If it continues, then you would have to consider different options.

[tom edward]

My wife would leave me and rightfully so. I say run dont walk from that situation. Obviously work on it if he is willing but if not there is a better way of life out there. To many great people with to many horrible people. Shouldnt horrible people deserve horrible partners not the other way around?

[Retired To Win]

I hope that all of you don't think that I'm crazy, but I think I am currently in a financially abusive relationship. There is no physical abuse that is taking place, but I'm not sure that this is any better. I don't really have anybody that I can talk to, so I thought that posting here would be a good way to see if what I'm thinking is accurate...

No one? No one in your own family you trust and can confide in? Have you been made that isolated?

[Eagle]

I hope that all of you don't think that I'm crazy, but I think I am currently in a financially abusive relationship. There is no physical abuse that is taking place, but I'm not sure that this is any better. I don't really have anybody that I can talk to, so I thought that posting here would be a good way to see if what I'm thinking is accurate, or if I'm just making all this stuff up in my mind.

I'm married to a man who is fairly controlling in all aspects of life, but extremely controlling when it comes to money. He doesn't want me to work outside the home, but he also puts me on a strict budget this he oversees and make sure that it's adhered to each month. If for some reason I go outside the budget parameters, I will have an even stricter budget to work with the next month.

Sometimes it's just not possible to stay within the budget that he sets, and it's quite frustrating because the budget isn't all the money that we have. He tends to spend money freely on himself, but when it comes to the things that I'm supposed to buy such as groceries, stuff at the drugstore, and my own personal shopping needs, I have a limited amount of money that I can't go over.

I find this extremely restricting and feel that he is using money as a way to force his will upon me. I've tried several times to find a job so that I can have my own money, but every time it looks like I might be able to get something, he insists that it would be to the detriment of the family if I didn't.

Is what is happening to me consider financial abuse? Is it common for people to use money to control other people?

I'm not sure that there is a whole lot but I'm going to be able to do to solve the situation, but I think it's important for me to understand exactly what's going on here. I want to make sure that I'm not making stuff up in my head, and this is a situation where it isn't right what he's doing.

Abuse takes on many forms not just physical. Control is a form of emotional abuse. Check out this link on emotional abuse.

I agree that seeing a local paster/priest/counselor is a good idea. A spouse trying to control another spouse like this is not healthy.

Questions:

A. Did you husband say you are making stuff up in your head or that you are crazy?

B. Do you have children?

C. What reason would it be detrimental to the family for you to work outside the home?

D. What kind of debt do you guys have?


Consider too reading this thread: http://www.savingadvice.com/forums/p...g-married.html

[Permanent Temp]

This is certainly an abusive relationship. I was in a relationship like this for 4 years I know how it feels. It seems he has got you to the point were you are completely isolated. It can get overwhelming feel like your crazy and others can shoo away your concerns or get fed up with hearing about how you just can't leave. Which adds to the isolation.

They break you down from top to finish and it isn't until you realize how tired of it you are that you can finally leave. The other person is really manipulative and there have been times in counseling where it is not identified as emotional abuse.

You have to ask yourself what were you like when this relationship started? What are you like now? Is there anywhere you can turn to? Do you have skills to be able to support yourself? If you left and looked for help are you sure you would never go back?

You have to be completely prepared to face the possibility that he may never change and you may have to leave in order to get out of the situation. He monitors your money do you have a car? Anything of your own? If you have children do you want them growing up thinking this is normal acceptable and an okay way to treat their future partners?

If you have posted here it is starting to concern you. Take some time to self reflect contact someone in the area who can help you with counseling (an abuse hotline etc) even if it is just reading stories about emotional abuse on the internet. Make sure that you are able to sort this out for yourself work through it and then decide whether you want to work with him about this, a lot of time and investment went into the relationship but he is abusive and you are married. Even if you do decide you want to work it out, make sure you have an out in case he becomes even more emotionally abusive or things escalate into physical violence.

Please take care of yourself and your family. Please seek out help. It can take a lifetime to heal theses wounds and scars but you can. If you need someone to talk to you can PM me too.

[Sallyusa]

I'm glad that I'm not making this stuff up in my mind and I'm not going crazy. This hasn't solved the problem though. I got up the courage to ask him if maybe we could go to counseling about our finances and it didn't go over well at all. He started to accuse me of not trusting his judgment and wanting to control the money. It doesn't look like going to counseling is going to be an option.

[JulieAlbright]

Do you have the ability to go without him?

If you can't physically go, maybe you can call one of the hotline numbers in your area and they can help you find somebody who can listen and give advice over the phone. I've heard of situations where a Counsellor will talk over the phone or via Skype.