gettin married for mom

[amarowsky]

Hi.

My girlfriend and I have been steadily dating for just about 3 years now. Were totally planning on getting married, But I wanted to wait a few years for her to finish school (eta dec 2014) and hopefully for me to buy my next/dream home that ill plan on being in until retirement (eta 2016). So somewhere around or between those ETA's we thought would be a good time to get married and then start a family somewhere after. But now were considering doing a super small wedding within the next several weeks potentially, then celebrating the big reception years from now with possibly a renew of vows.

The reasoning is that my mom who is frightfully too young (51) is fighting pancreatic cancer, she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in February this year. My older brother has been with his girlfriend for 9 years, but they don't plan to marry or have kids really. I'm her only other son, and I know more than anything she wanted to have grandchildren, but I'm aware that is not going to happen and would be a stupid thing to rush. Now next to that, there is nothing more important to her then to see me married. Bottom line is she knows I'm going to be with her forever already, but it seems like its something that I owe to my mom who has done so much for me. She raised me as a single mom and was pretty much the rock in my life (along with my bro) for everything I ever would have needed.

We recently learned that her treatment has slowed/stopped the growth of her cancer, but so far the oncologist does not think that it is reducing the tumor at all. In addition to the ineffective medicine, the tumor has placed itself next to some veins rendering it "in-operable". So she is on burrowed time I believe (although I am no doctor). They gave her 3 months to live in February.

Does this seem like a reasonable idea? Does it seem too crazy, or rushed? There would be a benefit that her insurance runs out in march next year, and she would get my insurance at no additional cost from my employer would be the only real financial gain. Or does someone have a different idea I could try to my mom. Do you think simply being "engaged" would provide the same enjoyment/fulfillment if you were in my or her shoes?

I'm just curious, been thought a lot lately and I'm still a pup @ 26. Any imput would be nice on the situation.

[Like2Plan]

Marriage is a big step. Obviously, I wouldn't recommend getting married just to please someone else. But it sounds like you've already made the decision to get married--you are just debating the timing. I am of the opinion that engagements should be long enough to plan the wedding. If you have already made the decision to get married, go for it.

[MonkeyMama]

Can you just have a marriage ceremony without making it legal? Something simple, like you mentioned. I think that might be good middle ground.

I was engaged at 19 but did not marry until I was almost 24. Our young age obviously played a large part in that. But, we wanted to finish college first and buy a home. (High cost of living was the other part - we couldn't afford to live together on our own until we could buy an apartment. We didn't want to get married until we could live together without roommates. We certainly had no motivation to rush into it).

Would we have gotten married a year or two earlier because a parent was dying? ABSOLUTELY. I don't see what difference it would really make in the grand scheme of things. Just some short-term sacrifices or plan changing. But you know, we weren't waiting because we had any doubts about our long-term plans. We were just trying to be prudent when we had no external motivating factors to rush things. It also would have been very important to have our parents at our wedding and so that would be a motivating reason to speed up the timeline.

I feel like you shouldn't rush these decision or do them for other people, but this does not seem to be the case. Sometimes these situations also teach you to sieze the day - life is short. I am sorry you are going through this.

[jIM_Ohio]

A few points, I held my brothers hand when he took his last breaths from cancer when he was 40 years old.
A family member just had their dad die yesterday to brain cancer, and she went through a small ceremony about 2 months ago so her dad could walk her down the aisle.

I believe you are using reasonable logic. I see two flaws which you did not post about, so for all I know, the flaws are accounted for.

Issue 1 is this needs to be the right person to marry. If the person is not right, any other discussion is going to create NEGATIVE memories, not the positive ones you are after.

Issue 2 is that life does not have a schedule. I learned that in 2012 when my brother died, and life is too damn short to wait for something which is important.

I wish you success on your journey, and know the advice I give isn't really objective, as I see people living what you are living all around me.

[dojo]

If it's CLEAR to you that she's the one and marriage is the next step, I see no problem. No need to make a huge fuss or go into debt over it. We got married less than 2 months ago, had a small civil ceremony and then a meal with our closest friends. It was a great day for us and everyone enjoyed it. So you don't have to spend a lot or go into big trouble. Would I have gotten married earlier? Sure thing. As long as you know this is the 'team' you want to be in, you can get married tomorrow and it won't make such a big difference

[amarowsky]

she's without a doubt the love of my life. But she has a ton of family and friends, and if my closest 15 friends, I have known them for 20+ of the 26 years I've been alive. I do own a nice home already, and we both have made our decision to get married a while back. I jUst had some plans for surpRise in the Future for engagement, and we both want our large ceremony when we can afford it. Because our time with my mom is burrowed, seems to be the only reason to rush this. I would love nothing more than for my mom to be there for me to get married with her there.

To put it in perspective, my girl would be more than happy with temporary everything except ceremony just to make sure my mom was happy. She loves my mom deeply too. Honestly she probably would not even move into my house still for a while(full time argh least). I do well enough at my career, but I kinda own a party house (roommates cover mortgage at the cost of living in a very animated party house) so she would probably continue living at her parents very nice comfortable luxurious house and part time(3-4) a week at my house until we buy our new home together.

I just feel like it would be the perfect gift to my mom. Plus I love RACHel to death and have no intention or desire to be with anyone else. And I'm lucky because I know she feels the same.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

If you are going to get married anyway why not move it up?

[cschin4]

I personally don't understand the new mentality of needing to have all your ducks in a row BEFORE getting married. Marriage is a journey of life together. So, I really don't understand why someone has to have X in the bank or have bought a house, or have this or that debt paid off ,etc.
Anyway, I don't think you should get married just to please your mom. You should only get married if in fact that is exactly what you both want to do.