Gift Giving based on income?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I found it interesting recently that I had a friend, whom I split my daughter's birthday party with her younger daughter, asked that gifts would be donated to charity. I did not say anything. She said I should say that.

I said no, I said it's rude to ask for gifts period. She thought that was nuts. I said no, according to etiquette books you shouldn't ask for gifts to be donated or cash because no one is ever obligated to give gifts they are being invited for their company.

Turns out a couple months later when she order invites of her older duaghter's bah mitzvah she wanted to write in lieu of gifts donate to charity, but the invites lady said you can't do that. Again because some people may not do cash or gifts. I said someone could make something, something uncommon in higher income.

Her opinion was shaped that if you have enough money you never take gifts. My opinion is you're lucky if you get gifts period. I found it interesting. She inherited millions and upon birth of her daughter she set up a trust for her from her trust for college and more. So she said people of a certain class don't need gifts (probably true).

I grew up poor and gifts came if I were lucky. I had 1st birthday bonds which I never received but my aunts and uncles mentioned buying them for me, why did my mom never give them to me? My mom lied and said I never had any. Then admitted later they were gone, where? I am going to guess when she was a single parent and we were really broke she cashed them out and used them she sorted of hinted at it. So I am going to guess at that point in time she wasn't "gifting" much to people who we went to birthday parties for or weddings, probably something homemade.

I remember making snack mix and cookies for Christmas gifts growing up. Till today one of my aunts always sends me fruitcake she makes instead of money or a gift. Another sends me a photo album with photos from the year. I also got beautiful jewelry from a cousin and pottery from another. One cousin makes cakes for people's engagement parties as a wedding gift (they are very time consuming and worth a lot).

So if that were your gift how do you donate that? Or do you just refuse a homemade gift and expect people to buy or donate cash to a charity?

Does your wealth/background affect gift giving?

[DebbieL]

I don't see what's wrong with saying on the party invitations "No gifts please. If you wish to give, then please make a small donation to your favourite charity." Really, I can't imagine why that would be an issue. Nobody feels obligated to give if they didn't want to anyways, and the party giver doesn't end up with a bunch of stuff they don't need.

[phantom]

I don't think that wealthy people fall into some special group that should not receive gifts. To me, the joy of giving and receiving gifts goes beyond the monetary value of the gifts themselves. There is something to be said for giving someone something that they really enjoy, regardless of whether or not they could have or would have gotten that something for themselves.

I would think that if you received a gift that you didn't really need because you could have just bought it for yourself, you could just give the money that you would have spent buying for yourself to charity. So, I don't think it's necessary to request that people give to charity in your name to increase your charitable giving when you receive gifts.

That said, I don't think it's rude to give people who might be considering giving you gifts some guidance, just so you don't phrase the suggestion in such a way that it sounds like a demand for a gift. Whether you make a registry or let people know you really like supporting a certain charity, I think it's always nice to give people who want to give you something, but don't want to give you junk you won't use, an idea of what you would like to have.

[Eleanor]

I don't see what's wrong with saying on the party invitations "No gifts please. If you wish to give, then please make a small donation to your favourite charity." Really, I can't imagine why that would be an issue. Nobody feels obligated to give if they didn't want to anyways, and the party giver doesn't end up with a bunch of stuff they don't need.

I agree. I think it makes it even more optional for people to give if you give them the option to donate to a charity because likely no one will know if you did it versus if everyone brings gift-wrapped boxes that are opened publicly. I think it's especially nice if you ask for people to donate to a specific charity and you explain what the charity is and why it matters to you.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Children learn generosity, in part, by experiencing generosity. They can learn graciousness and reciprocity, too.

I think a parent would need to be careful and sensitive in explaining a donations-in-lieu-of-gifts policy to their b-day child when the larger custom is for the b-day child to be given presents. Of course when the child is just turning 1 year old, that is not needed.

[Gailete]

My first thought when I read about a mom insisting on gifts being donated to charity for an obviously school age child, was what does the child think about this? I know some kids get themselves featured on the news for having a party and asking for donations to a charity, well bless their hearts, most kids don't feel that way.

What a family's financial status is has no relation to gift giving. Miss Manners would remind you that we are to pretend that we don't know or ask how much money a family has.

Miss Manners would also agree with some of the others, that mentioning gifts with an invitation is a rude thing. Just because people contnue doing this, doesn't make it right. Most people don't have any interest in following rules of etiquette these days, but some of us do.

The thing I think is actually the saddest in the midst of gift giving and I have seen this all my life. The ones that already seem to have plenty, just keep on getting more and those that are poor get little. I remember going to a bridal shower for my SIL about a year after I got married. I remember seeing her open up as a shower present an entire set of
GOOD quality pots and pans. The giver was from my husbands side of the family so this gift giver should have also technicaly been at my wedding shower too. I asked my MIL about this and she reminded me that I only was having a small wedding. What does wedding size have to do with wedding showers and who gets invited to them anyway, but it came down to this. At this shower my SIL got better gifts than I did for my wedding presents. Not being jealous, but trying to prove the point. To some that have plenty they just get more and those that don't have much don't get much. So to think that the richer a family is, the less they need presents is probably true, especially is mom is a millionare.

It all boils down to this however. A gift is a GIFT. It is not asked for or expected, nor is it refused. If a person wants to bless you with a gift, let them. If you want to bless someone else then give those gifts to others that need them more, especially if you can do it without the original gift giver knowing and feeling bad. Whether a gift is given or not should have no bearing on the giftees finances.

[DebbieL]

I do, however, think it should have something to do with whether the "giftee" wishes to receive gifts or not. Honestly, if they don't desire presents then that should be respected. If someone really wants to give they can help out their favourite cause instead.