Husband/Wife disagreement, need advice

[MoneyMama]

This is a slightly silly post, but I need another viewpoint beyond family. Thanks!

We moved across the country a few years ago(right at the beginning of the recession) and bought a home. That was before the housing crash and where we used to live we could not afford a home, that is part of the reason we moved here. Now, however, homes are cheap where we came from and with the equity in this home we could buy one outright there.
I have been wanting to go back to school to go into the healthcare field, my husband is in construction and is currently self employed. Our income varies from $0 to $10,000 a month, but I would rather have a predictable income...even if it meant less overall take home pay. I have been sharing that opinion with him for a few years, but he says he makes more now than he could doing anything else. I don't think it's a good trade off.
Anyway, my chosen career path requires a certificate and the college here has a 1 1/2 year program to get it. This would also mean child care for that time period. Where we are from, I found a program that would take only 5 months for the exact same certification. (These are community colleges not trade schools, as trade schools are not accredited for this particular profession) I also have credit hours from there that could be applied to one course I would need, I already checked and it won't transfer here. I have family there with no obligations that have already offered free babysitting while I go to school.
I want to move back. DH does not.
I have found numerous jobs online that he could apply for and have a few people in mind he could ask for work. Yes, there are fewer available jobs, but I am talking about doing this over a year from now, so we could save up and plan for a jobless span, or he could even possibly find a job before we move.
What do you think?
I think we'd be better off with less overall debt, even if it meant less income. I really don't want to go to school for almost 2 years when I could do it in 5 months. We both have family and lots of friends there. Our kids even have friends there still. Am I being responsible or reckless??

[cschin4]

I don't think the financial standpoint is as cut and dry as you are portraying and that are other unknown factors. First, moving is expensive. The cost to move stuff, transport, and the off and on of new services and all that. And, do you have a current home to sell? You may be overestimating what you will really be able to get for your home. Most people think in very rosy terms regarding the home they are selling. You will most likely be able to sell but not necessarily for all you think it is worth. And, are you going to sell first, the move? I would advise if you sell, to sell BEFORE you move and buy another home so that you don't get into a financial pickle.
You also said there were less jobs there for your DH. That is a big factor as well. He needs to have reliable employment. It sounds like less opportunity for him.
On the other hand, you have family at the old location. I am a big proponent of family and thing that it is so much nicer for children to grow up around extended family if possible.
As for your schooling, i don't think i would factor that so much into the decision. If it takes you longer there, oh well. Or, could you go and stay with family for 5 months at the old location as an option? I wouldn't necessarily recommend that though if you have young children who still need you day to day.
I think the main question is where do you really want to live and be? If you really want to live and go back to your old community, then maybe you won't do as well financially but your friends and family may mean more to you. That is what you really need to sort out. The finances will take care of themselves. This is more of a heart issue in my opinion.

[riverwed070707]

I think you're being reasonable but you can't force him to move. The bottom line is that you both have to be in agreement or you're not going. Why doesn't he want to go? Is it just because of the money or does he now have friends and a life where you currently are that he doesn't want to leave?

[MoneyMama]

Thanks for your thoughts...
Our home may sell for more than what I think even. We bought a super cheap foreclosure and completely overhauled it. The bottom line is, we will get something out of it. We would definately sell before doing anything. All of our furniture is hand me down stuff that we would probably not take. I regret spending the money to drag it all here in the first place. I could sell it on Craigslist and replace it using Craigslist there. Not a big deal. Also, here our kids would go to private school, there they could go to public(I'm not happy with this area at all). That would save us over $1000 a month once they are all in school. I figure that's just that much less income we have to bring in. I feel like this time here has helped us financially and we will go back in much better condition than we left.
We are both under 30, no health insurance, no retirement(DH just says he'll work forever). I would love to have a predictable amount per month. That has been bugging me so much. Here he has a partner in business and it's not going too well. Several times they've almost called it quits, but I think he's too stubborn to give up on it.
I thought about going without him...but I don't want to do that.
I need a way to convince him it would be a good idea. His biggest reason not to...It's cold there in the winter. That's it, I feel like he isn't taking our family situation seriously.

[BuckyBadger]

You say he's in construction. Could he not want to move where it's cold in the winter because he can't get on jobs when people aren't building?

I agree -- this sounds less financial and more interpersonal.

[Scanner]

Just remember. . .you both could have valid viewpoints, but just be different.

The art will lie in a compromise.

I won't say this is a silly disagreement at all and I want to take issue with one poster wrote: "Your husband should get a job. . ."

He has a job. . .as you note, it varies from $0 to $10,000 per month in take home.

A lot of people can't handle that, I realize.

I had a divorce partially because of this reason (leaving affection out of the equation - this forum is dedicated to finances).

It comes down to what often men view as security and what women view as security. Yeah, if he was able to get a paycheck for $5000 per month. . .shouldn't he take that? Well, who's to say, especially in the field of construction, that in 9 months he won't be laid off/downsized/fired? There is a security in being self-employed that I think men often appreciate more than women. Remember. . .there is no loyalty with corporations any more. A bad month and they will not think twice about downsizing you.

Often men don't like feeling dependent on a corporation for their livelihood, where there is no control of their destiny.

Personally, I have "evolved" to where I wouldn't mind working for "da' man" but I think it's safe to say it's normal that men (and women too) move in and out of their comfort zone over the years on this. Some people work for Corporate America first, then do small business. SOme vice-versa.

Germane topic to me. Thanks for letting me contribute.

[Scanner]

Now. . .that I have presented one side of the equation, let me present the other:

No health insurance. No retirement.

That's bad.

Assuming you are both living a barebones lifestyle, he DOES need to confront the fact that you need to put a future ahead of yourselves, so I am with you on this MonkeyMama. I feel I may have come across too much in favor of your husband on the last post when attempting to mediate this by proxy.

I think often a good "blend" in a marriage is one person self-employed, and the other gainfully employed. I think it spreads risk and reward around evenly, along with giving hte couple some flexibility.

So, I support you in your desire to obtain a job. You say it's in healthcare. Would you reveal more?

PS: I also think a 5 month relocation isn't a bad compromise, esp. with free babysitting. I think your husband and you should bite on that. Just be careful on student loans/salary payback.

[MoneyMama]

Thanks Scanner...I will be the first to admit that living this way on irregular income is something that I cannot handle. I am stressed to the max because I am the one who must wiggle things around to pay bills every month. Not a fun way to live. I put money into savings, take money out of savings almost on a weekly basis trying to save, but then having bills to pay. I would give anything to have a somewhat stable income, so I could say, "I have $53.46 left at the end of every month" Even though that sounds dumb, it is a dream of mine right now. One month last year .29 interest on a savings account was all the income we had. I was a mess that month, let me tell you. Stress is not healthy.
I am hoping to become a dental assistant. It has relatively low pay, but the training I want to do includes radiology. I just plan to work when my kids are in school and want something that has school hours. Not even necessarily full time. Nursing was out because of the crazy schedules, which was my original plan. I need to be home for my kids.
Also, I would need to live there for one year to establish residency before starting school, otherwise I cannot afford it.
It's the difference between paying 20k here for the program versus $1,500 there once I get the lower rate.
My last job I made $6.50 an hour(before min wage was raised). I am a minimun wage worker, so 5 months of training to double my earning potential is worth everything to me.
This is making my head spin, so sorry if it is TMI!

ETA: I am also self-employed and bring in $1,000+ a month that I can continue doing there. This is sort of a hobby, so I don't want to run myself into the ground doing this. That said, I don't think I will get rich doing this, but I will probably never quit.

[riverwed070707]

Thanks Scanner...I will be the first to admit that living this way on irregular income is something that I cannot handle. I am stressed to the max because I am the one who must wiggle things around to pay bills every month. Not a fun way to live. I put money into savings, take money out of savings almost on a weekly basis trying to save, but then having bills to pay. I would give anything to have a somewhat stable income, so I could say, "I have $53.46 left at the end of every month" Even though that sounds dumb, it is a dream of mine right now. One month last year .29 interest on a savings account was all the income we had. I was a mess that month, let me tell you. Stress is not healthy.
I am hoping to become a dental assistant. It has relatively low pay, but the training I want to do includes radiology. I just plan to work when my kids are in school and want something that has school hours. Not even necessarily full time. Nursing was out because of the crazy schedules, which was my original plan. I need to be home for my kids.
Also, I would need to live there for one year to establish residency before starting school, otherwise I cannot afford it.
It's the difference between paying 20k here for the program versus $1,500 there once I get the lower rate.
My last job I made $6.50 an hour(before min wage was raised). I am a minimun wage worker, so 5 months of training to double my earning potential is worth everything to me.
This is making my head spin, so sorry if it is TMI!

ETA: I am also self-employed and bring in $1,000+ a month that I can continue doing there. This is sort of a hobby, so I don't want to run myself into the ground doing this. That said, I don't think I will get rich doing this, but I will probably never quit.

If you are planning to move in about a year and you have friends and family living there now, why not take steps to establish residency now? Open a bank account with $5 and have the statement sent to a relatives house.

[snafu]

Here are some thoughts from an outsider who has no axe-to-grind. I'm guessing you haven't disengaged from family and friends and consider somewhere else to be 'home.'

It will take time to work through the list you've outlined. I had the impression the college course can wait. I suggest you get your financial issues sorted 1st since a good system helps no matter where you live. If you feel you are not in control of your money it causes stress. Getting control reduces stress. I have no idea of your specifics but you need to...

Create a [written] budget showing your basic expenses: mortgage, utilities, transportation, food plus any regular, monthly payments. You need to know you can pay intermittent bills like insurance and taxes. DH needs to step up and bring in a basic sum even if it's thru odd jobs after hours. You need to step it up by pinching pennies short term, until they squeal even if it means charity shop clothes and nutritious but frugal meals including lunch from home. For the short term you may need to give up extras like cable until you've squirreled away a 3 month Emergency Fund that represents basic expenses.

Once you know your minimums, add a personal allowance for you and DH and a percentage of income or $ specific for non essential 'wants.' [50% expenditures for needs, 30% wants, 20% savings for retirement & savings is ideal] Meanwhile, is your home real estate sale ready? Have at least three, area experienced realtors, evaluate and make up a detailed plan to sell your current home.

When is the particular course you need available at Community College? Is it offered every semester? Is it offered as an on-line course? Only you and DH can list pros and cons of location. How determined is DH to stay? How determined are you to go back? I hope having facts might help with the decision process. Good luck

[cschin4]

It really doesn't matter whether you believe this is reasonable or not. What matters is that you and your spouse work together to move forward to what is in the best interest of both of you and future. You don't just want to be right, you want to be together. You don't want to convince him to move if he really doesn't want to but get on board together with the same plan.

[ActYourWage]

I second what snafu said about creating a written budget. Having a plan in place can alleviate some of this stress. Just remember if you don't have a plan in place, the stress will follow you back to where it is you are wanting to move. In other words, you will still be stressed. Things seem "greener on the other side" when we are under stress.

[DebtFree&Broke]

I have been wanting to go back to school to go into the healthcare field, my husband is in construction and is currently self employed. Our income varies from $0 to $10,000 a month, but I would rather have a predictable income...even if it meant less overall take home pay. I have been sharing that opinion with him for a few years, but he says he makes more now than he could doing anything else. I don't think it's a good trade off.

We are both under 30, no health insurance, no retirement(DH just says he'll work forever). I would love to have a predictable amount per month. That has been bugging me so much.

I will be the first to admit that living this way on irregular income is something that I cannot handle. I am stressed to the max because I am the one who must wiggle things around to pay bills every month. Not a fun way to live. I put money into savings, take money out of savings almost on a weekly basis trying to save, but then having bills to pay. I would give anything to have a somewhat stable income, so I could say, "I have $53.46 left at the end of every month" Even though that sounds dumb, it is a dream of mine right now. One month last year .29 interest on a savings account was all the income we had. I was a mess that month, let me tell you. Stress is not healthy.

You need to make your own predictable income.
1. Make a list of all your expenses and your savings goals to determine how much income you need every month. Lets say your expenses total $3400 a month and you want to save $300. So your total monthly income would be $3700.
2. Any income he brings home gets put in a separate checking/savings account. Doesn't matter if he brings home $1 or $10,000 it automatically gets deposited into that account.
3. On "payday" write yourself a check for only the amount you have predetermined.

You'll have a predictable income with no more stress

Oh, I almost forgot. When you list your expenses, you need to list them in order of importance. That way if he only brings home $2000 one month and you don't have any reserved you can budget for the most important expenses.

Example:
1. Taxes
2. Church
3. Mortgage
4. Insurance
5. Utilities
6. Gasoline
7. Groceries
8. Medical
9. Auto Repair
10. Home & Yard
11. Gifts
12. Clothing
13. Misc. Expenses
14. Savings