Men Who Are Not Handy

[cschin4]

There seems to be an assumption that men are or should be handy. But, what if they aren't? My DH is probably one of the most Un-handy men I know. And, I don't know if he really cannot do it or is simply lazy. It has caused a lot of stress in our marriage over the years.

[cschin4]

And, I didn't mind this so much when I was younger and had energy. But, after dealing with some chronic issues and setbacks, I find the constant state of disrepair to be very frustrating.

[bjl584]

I'm fairly handy. I do most of my own work on my cars, power equipment, etc., and I have done a fair amount of carpentry and construction jobs. I enjoy doing that type of work, plus it has saved me a lot of money over the years. I do have aquaintances that aren't handy for one reason or another. Most never had exposure to someone that could teach them things. I had the luxury of having my Dad teach me a lot of things about that growing up. Either that, or they just have other interests and see no problem in paying someone else to do the work for them.

[cschin4]

His father didn't teach him much so I get that. But, on the other hand, when we got married I didn't know how to cook or do much of anything either and I learned. I also learned to use power tools and on and on. And, at some point, paying someone to do everything becomes cost prohibitive or you cannot find people to do all the repairs needed.

[bjl584]

Is he not interested in learning anything? I know that Lowes and Home Depot both offer free tuturial classes that teach you how to do basic wiring, deckbuilding, flooring, etc. They also have a whole isle of books on those subjects. There are also several classes that are offered on those subjects plus on automotive repair at my local Community College. If he has any interest in learning, those could be an option.

[cypher1]

LOL People say I'm mechanically inclined, but I have to explain to them how long it takes to get experience in certain fields. Everyone learns things differently (whether by seeing, hearing, touching or even while teaching others), and/or can take longer (like myself) to apply.

When I was in my early teens I used to think people had to be smart to build PCs. A few months later I did the same for my parents, and then followed the IT route. I didn't get into cars until 20, and dunno how my friend could put up with my slowness at his shop. I'm 29 now, and just got into home improvement projects, woodwork, plumbing, electricity within the last year.

I'm cheap overall, don't want to be taken advantage upon, and like to learn new skills outside my office career. Some people are lazy, a lot just don't want to learn, or care how things work. As bjl584 mentioned, most don't have the luxury of having someone to teach them. Luckily I've just had good friends, and patient uncles and brother in laws. Although with today's vast technology of google, youtube, forums, or picking up a simple book, its pretty hard to find an excuse to not look up a problem.

[Caoineag]

I learned a long time ago (from watching people try to nag other people into doing things) that you can't motivate someone to do something just because you want them to do it. They either want to and will or they don't and won't. So if I care about something getting fixed, I figure out how to do it myself. That said, anytime my husband sees me working on the house, he joins in so I really don't have it all that rough.

[disneysteve]

Saying that all men should be handy is as sexist as saying all women should be good cooks. Stereotypes are just that. They don't always reflect reality.

I'm somewhat handy - can do the basic stuff - but I don't have the patience, training or desire to take on bigger jobs. I sure I could do them, and I have been involved with some in the past, but it isn't something I particularly enjoy. I would much rather hire someone else to do the grunt work for me.

That has never been an issue in our marriage. What has been an issue is when something needed fixing and I procrastinated in calling in a pro to do the work. I admit to being bad about that. Even though I don't want to do it myself, I'm also not thrilled about spending the money to have it done for me.

[cypher1]

I learned a long time ago (from watching people try to nag other people into doing things) that you can't motivate someone to do something just because you want them to do it. They either want to and will or they don't and won't. So if I care about something getting fixed, I figure out how to do it myself.

Nailed it!

[cschin4]

No, he was never interested. It is the lack of effort on his part that his been our bone of contention over the years. And, when i was younger I really just made excuses and would admit it to myself. I really should have just recognized this and then instead of buying and old house, etc i think living in a condo or apt may had been a better plan.
We are in our 40's now. When we moved to our house, it was definately a fixer upper, but what home isn't? I learned how to wallpaper and even laid flooring, painting, rag rolling, and on and on without a stitch of help. My dad would come up on weekends and rip out carpeting, etc but he seemed to find a way to disappear. Then, after awhile, we decided to upgrade to a nicer house but it was way too big. I realized I wasn't going to get much help when I went out to stain the huge deck myself. So, going from the frying pan into the fire, we bought our old home back because i loved the location and undertook a complete remodel. He completely distanced himself and I made every decision from contracting to picking out and planning, dealing with everyone, etc. I thought that if I just had everything "done" it would be a great relief. But now a few years later, and of course what was new is starting to deteriorate.
But, on the other hand, he is a good person, helps me in other ways such as laundry, grocery shopping, etc is involved with coaching and doing things with the kids and so forth. But, I do carry this underlying resentment so not sure how or when to just accept what is. Guess I am having a bad day!

[cschin4]

I learned a long time ago (from watching people try to nag other people into doing things) that you can't motivate someone to do something just because you want them to do it. They either want to and will or they don't and won't. So if I care about something getting fixed, I figure out how to do it myself. That said, anytime my husband sees me working on the house, he joins in so I really don't have it all that rough.

Yes, i totally agree. But maybe if he would have just flat out said, you know what, I cannot do this stuff, don't ever want to do this stuff and we need to plan a life where we both can manage, then that is what we should do. Instead, it was more of a passive resistance where it was my fault for asking at the wrong time, he was too busy with something else etc. Then, to stand by while I fritter away a huge chunk of money remodeling and frittering away money for our kids and our futures. And, he is a grown up as well. If he didn't want to take on the responsibilities, fine, but he also agreed to move back, signed the papers and so forth. It has to be a 2 way street.

[cschin4]

And, I am not saying, go out on the weekend and build an addition on the back of the house or anything like that. And, I do things myself as well. I actually like doing some home improvements.
Also, I am not the model female either. I couldn't sew or can vegetables or any of that stuff to save my life. so not saying I am on top of the world either. I don't know.

[cschin4]

Case in point, yesterday, it snowed. We have a sidewalk in front of the house that should be shoveled in the am as school kids walk past, etc. In the morning, I am getting the three kids ready for school, fed, drop my daughter at daycare and sons' to school. So, could he not at least shovel the sidewalk before he leaves? It isn't some huge deal. And, that isn't a question of being handy. I don't think I am being a nag when there are simply things that need done.

[elessar78]

I can do basic stuff, and it's in stark contrast to my wife's dad who built his own house and her brother who's designs and builds modifications to farm equipment by himself. I grew up in a different part of the world. I'm not "handy", but definitely "brainy."

Anyway, me and another family member (uncle, the lawyer) who are not handy and not lazy. We'd just rather earn money than "build" and subsequently pay someone else to do it.

I see it as my free time is time I have earned. I don't want to spend too much of it doing maintenance work. I'm like your husband in that I help in other areas. Do you think that he ever wonders why you don't spend much time coaching the kids? There's always going to be a maintenance aspect to owning a house, and the willingness of both parties to do maintenance should have been a consideration from the outset.

If he's frugal like you, maybe you should have "him" pay for the cost of the deck refinishing. He'll take notice that these things cost money, if "someone" doesn't contribute the time. The moment it affects a hobby of his because he can't afford to do it because you're paying for maintenance then he'll take notice and maybe change his behavior.

[disneysteve]

could he not at least shovel the sidewalk before he leaves? It isn't some huge deal. And, that isn't a question of being handy. I don't think I am being a nag when there are simply things that need done.

That isn't handy. That's lazy, assuming he is physically able to shovel. I just came in from almost an hour of shoveling here.