please help me.

[cptacek]

There were some conversations my DW and I had where she started breaking down crying, and it sets the whole process back... and maybe I was being an ass (and maybe I wasn't), but that is no excuse to cry and avoid solving the problems.

I agree. One person being mad and one person crying won't solve anything. If the person who is crying is asking for advice, my advice is "stop crying and try to learn how to talk to him." If the person who is mad is asking for advice, my advice is "control your temper and learn how to talk to her." They need to communicate, not let their respective emotions get the best of them.

[mama25]

Sounds to me like the OP does not truly know how the tax return works... and I believe all that money is coming back (as evidenced by a 9k tax return).


this is true- I don't get it.
I guess we both need to stop adressing our money with emotion. Our conversations would go a lot smoother.

[snshijuptr]

Your husband's car is not a problem if 1) it is largely written off on the taxes (lowering your taxes due) and 2) he has adjusted his paycheck with holdings so that you don't get a big refund back at the end of the year. To be clear, a big refund at tax time is a BAD thing. This means the government has held onto your money all year without giving you interest. Not good.

It sounds like your husband deals with one type of money while you deal with another. He deals with the income, the taxes, and things like that. It sounds like you deal with the day-to-day expenses, bills, etc. This means that you each are only looking at half of the picture. Set aside a time with your husband to show each other what the finances look like. Write a YEARLY budget then a MONTHLY budget.

Separate the business expenses that can be written off from the household expenses. If he is correctly setting his tax with holdings then you just have to set aside a percent of his paycheck to pay for "business expenses". Basically, instead of paying the money to the government, you are paying for a nicer car for him.

Separate your household needs and wants. You need to feed your children. You want to watch TV and care for your lawn. Once this is done, you can reassess how to reduce your needs to fit your budget and cut out the wants.

Do this all together. You both need to have a shared vision of your financial state.

[Homebody]

I am having a hard time getting past the Paleo diet and thinking that beans and brown rice are somehow unhealthy. Do your children have some underlying disease that makes them have problems with insulin? A 7-year-old with high blood sugar? It would almost have to be type 1diabetes unless they are severely overweight.

The entire thinking of both you and your husband need to change. Unfortunately it is really hard to change a complete mind set. I have nothing to add that has not already been said, but wish you and your family the best.

[jIM_Ohio]

The leased car is not THE problem, but it is A problem. Even if the full amount of the lease is taken as a business expense and so coming back at tax time, it is reducing the income of the family by $1000/mo. If the lease were only $500, they'd have about $500 more in profit coming in each month.

zetta- fair assessment, I agree the lease might crunch the cash flow (short term), but anyone savvy with money would then bank the $9000 and not spend it. We have high car payment in our house ($1300/mo) and still have ways to bank money and not spend every penny.

The OP did not tell us how the 9k tax return was used.

To get same car on a $500/mo lease would require more cash down, or a longer lease period. This would amplify the cashflow problem, not fix it.
To turn in the $800/mo lease for a $500/mo lease would save $3600/year in cash flow, but cost much more than $3600 to turn in early (in penalties and similar).

The lease might be "a problem", but I see much bigger problems which have easier solutions than removing the lease from the budget.

[mama25]

the 9k was used to pay the bills that month we received it. His income was almost non-existent that month.


thanks for all your responses.

[jIM_Ohio]

the 9k was used to pay the bills that month we received it. His income was almost non-existent that month.


thanks for all your responses.

This is an example of how to improve your financial system and indicates the single biggest problem to me.

The refund was about 9k
according to the budget, your monthly expenses are about half that... you should have had $4500 left to either save for next month or pay down an existing debt by $4500 (it should have been banked for next month IMO).

The variable income status of the household is your single biggest cash flow issue. It possible caused the problem...

I have not seen a post where you detail the $1100 in credit card debts... this is the first place I would look to fix the budget. List all debts by amount owed, interest rate, minimum payment and expected payoff date. The sooner you can "spend" this $1100 and not "pay $1100" will determine "success", IMO.

[BlackDiamond]

OP... could you babysit other children in your home during the day? People will pay a fairly good amount for good daycare. I'm not sure about the licensing but it seems like it could be a good fit for you for a way to make extra income.

[mama25]

thank you again for your honest replies. Sometimes we need to be brought to our knees to see the light. kwim?

We're in CT and need to be licensed to watch children for money. I am looking into other real work at home jobs that were posted previously.

DH and I had a good talk last night about things- he agreed that we put too much emotion on our money and everything we tie to it. We need to value ourselves on how we manage the money we have and not the things we buy.
We agree on a lot of things, like what matters most- basic needs, everything else is fluff. But talking about dropping things like TV, lawncare, pest control are all very tough to get through for both of us.
We're scheduling a bi-monthly meeting, with my sister coming to watch the kids, while he and I tear apart the budget, and make whatever he brings home, work for our needs.
I am a knee jerk reactionary, and was more afraid of his possible reaction to my starting the conversation, than his actual response which was more open and understanding.
I am an ass by assuming, obviously.
I can't thank you enough for all your tips, and direction.

[jIM_Ohio]

LOL you need to be licensed if you will claim the income and claim the daycare tax deductions
and even if you are licensed, the costs to do this are low (my cousin looked into it last year).
My kids are watched by someone we know (friend of a friend) and we pay cash (not checks, but CASH) every week and I am quite sure person is not licensed. My SIL also does the same thing (not licensed). We can claim no tax credits for the expense, but its so cheap that this is a good thing.


If you know people which need kids watched, they can probably pay cash if you watch them cheap ($25/day per kid or $30/day/kid) are the cash rates we pay in Ohio. This means we pay about $13,000 per year for 5 days per week/2 kids per day or $9300 for 3 days per week/ 52 weeks per year for 2 kids (right now we only use daycare 3X per week- we have 5 days in the budget, but right now only use 3/5 of the money).

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

In one month the mortgage alone will be $4800, yet your husband is averaging a take home of only $4000 a month now. This is a big impediment. Baby-sitting, cutting cable, lawn care, and pest control is not likely to keep you in your house. You ask are you in a really bad place. My answer is, yes, you are.

[terces]

Getting licensed to run a home daycare isn't a very difficult process. I did it several years in CA when my kids were young....and the money was quite good. If you didn't want to do it on a continual basis you might consider starting a babysitting service. Seems like there is always a lack of good qualified babysitters out there. It could be something you do on weekends if hubby is home.

[Elisabeth]

Based on your information related to diet and groceries, I have some suggestions. One locate a farm with humanely raised beef, pork, and eggs. It should also be hormone, pesticide, and herbicide free. Buy 1/2 to a whole steer. Same thing with pork. It should be cheaper than buying at the grocery store. It will save grocery trips and those you make will be shorter. White rice will definitely raise blood sugar. However, brown (unprocessed) rice should not. But taking your word for it I will move on. Consider sprouting beans for greens, they make alot of greens for very little cost. Check out sprout costs in the store, they are priced as a delicacy. They are much better for you/your kids than store bought veggies. Consider planting a small container garden in your back yard. That way when/if you move they go with you. Children love to garden. Alot of flowers are edible and taste good. Ex. rose petals (cut off the lower white part first). Don't eat anything your pest or lawn service sprays with pesticides and herbicides. Google edible flowers, you will be amazed at the number that are edible and taste good. Google beans for sprouting and be amazed at the number there too.

[mom-from-missouri]

mortgage $2,589.32 *resets to 4800 in 1 mo.
auto 1 $209.95
auto 2 lease $872.87 ttl $3,672.14 --I would get rid of this one.
Debt
Who Monthly
cc1 $140.00
cc2 $200.00
bank loc $40.00
cc3 $130.00
car tax $185.06
cc4 $50.00
loc $266.00
ttl $1,011.06
Medical
Who Monthly
lab $20.00
dr 1 $30.00
dr 2 $30.00
dr 3 $50.00
eye $40.00
ttl $170.00
Household
Who Monthly
lawn $180.00 for this amount, you can buy a used lawnmower and do it yourself
pest $60.00 --get rid of this one
Diapers $60.00 --if you are a sahm, do cloth diapers and wash them
auto gas $200.00
trash $30.00
power $400.00 --seems high-switch your biggest light bulbs use wise to CFL's
school $11.00
Auto Ins $185.50
Home ins $129.00
Cellphone $170.00 --seems like high plans for 2 adults. Drop them down to bare bones
Groceries $1,000.00 --way high. Are you cooking from scratch?? I feed 5-7 people a month on $250.
cab/tv/net $170.00 --drop it
medicine $200.00
Oil $400.00
proptaxes $719.54
Auto Tax $30.00 Why are these taxes monthly?? Is the oil propane for heat? If so, that should be gone during the summer months.

ttl $3,945.04
so- on an average, with commission constantly changing- some months he earns enough to catch up, some months, he brings home $600.00. So our monthly nut is about $8700.00. Since Jan 2010- his average is $4k per month. Needless to say- past due on lots of bills. We save when big money comes in- only to pay out the next month. Nothing every stays in the bank.
As I look at the expenses, I think- how the hell did we pay these making so little, the tax return paid one month, last years income carried over to cover another month.

I guess I need someone else to look at this and give me their take- what am I doing wrong? what can I change?Am I really in a bad place? or on the verge of it? if so, how to I come back from the edge?

I know chunking out the kids takes 2. God forgive me, but I was done with 4. He is beside himself with joy because of the new baby, me not so much...simply because of this situation.

yes- I know I said $1k for lease, but the actual amount is $872- not much difference to me- being emotional an all about it.

Cook from scratch, use a clothes line--if you can't have one outside, in a huge house there should be a place to have one inside, drop the internet, cable, entertainment, eat beans and rice--the $1000 a month for good is too high--I would think that is including name brand foods, prepared foods and unnecessary foods such as chips, soda??? Buy a bag of potatoes (several meals worth) cheaper than what you can buy 1 box of instant potatoes or one bag of french fries for. Bake your own bread. Turn off lights when not in use. Limit your water usage-time baths/showers and teach the kids to brush their teeth with a cup of water and lot leave the water running.

Since you are a SAHM, can you watch another child or two to earn some income?? I do, and some months its only $150, other months I have earned $600. But, it always covers the water bill and usually our groceries as well. (In our case, whatever I earn that month my husband usually has taken out extra in his 401K.)

Before you buy anything--look at thrift stores. Around here we can get clothing, sheets, kids shoes, coats, tupperware, furniture...

Do you have a skill you can use from home? Such as giving music lessons, tutoring, sewing lessons......

Are the dr amounts monthly visits and copays?? Or is that monthly payments?? If they are monthly visits see if you still need to go monthly.

Little amounts, when added together often make up a large amount in the budget.

Hang in there and don't get discouraged, but he does need to give on the car and the "appearances"

[jIM_Ohio]

Missouri-

how do the people you feed range from 5-7 per month (per week?)... take in people off the street, or do you kick kids out when they get out of control?

LOL

Groceries $1,000.00 --way high. Are you cooking from scratch?? I feed 5-7 people a month on $250.