Her Money Not Ours

[tripods68]

I agree Wellspent; there's more to this marriage than just wanting to separate her own inheritance from her own husband.

Perhaps a much deeper heart-to-heart talk is definitely warranted to find out how she really feels about her marriage to you. Its very hard to build a solid "retirement" by just one sole breadwinner after 16 years of marriage--without the other person working. Not just that, but the wanting to build some type of savings, or EF as cushions becomes secondary to the more important household bills like mortgages and wonder why credit bills just piles up.

Having said that. This also tells me you are a good man and great husband with the sacrifices you make for your family. Continue what you are doing, you are doing the right thing when other husbands walking in your shoes would done the opposite. It's too bad that she takes you for granted and not see the stressed level and daily grinding of being the sole breadwinner. I really wish you well. My Hats off to you

[disneysteve]

Why have you been the sole breadwinner for 16 years? It's uncommon for a family to require a stay at home parent for that long. It seems she should have joined the paid workforce years ago.

Its very hard to build a solid "retirement" by just one sole breadwinner after 16 years of marriage--without the other person working.

I have to disagree. There is no law that says both spouses have to work. I know plenty who don't and the families do just fine financially. My mother never worked and my father built a fine retirement on a modest income. My wife didn't work for 10 of our 16 years of marriage and now only works part-time, 2-days/week because she was offered a perfect position for her. If not for that, she probably wouldn't be working. She wasn't looking for work when she got this offer.

Live below your means. Keep your wants under control and you can build a reasonable retirement on one income.

[DebbieL]

I think for the most part the idea of a one income family is outdated. I cannot imagine why someone would never work if they are able once the kids are older. What does she need to be home for? If she wants to spend a bunch of money (which she obviously does) then she should have a job. Why should an adult be supported by another adult their entire life? This man may not be capable of earning a high income. Maybe he's in the 40k range (or even less). Not everyone has the capability to earn a large income. I think if that's the case, then having her work would help tremendously. I just cannot imagine not ever contributing financially. Ward and June Cleaver are a thing of the past.

PS - I would help my spouse out for awhile if needed (for example if he were in school, etc.), but I would not be willing to foot the entire bill for living for the rest of his life - NO WAY (unless he was totally disabled or something). I won't be paying for him to stay home for the rest of his life just because he wants to. Not happening. I would especially be furious if I had done so and then he refused to share a windfall.

[tripods68]

Steve, You know I'm making a general statement. Of course there are always exceptions as you pointed out in your comments. In fact, I agree with you and, therefore, I admired folks that made their retirement possible and for living "within their means". But the reality is thats not always the case with many folks. You must give credit where credit is due for folks like T-bone. Again, most people (in general) will have a hard time building a solid retirements in today's economy with prices keep going up, wages stagnant, and health care cost skyrocketing without some the help a partner. I'm sure if financial issue was not a concern he wouldn't have posted his issue with his wife on this board. To me, that's just tip of the iceberg.

[moneybags]

I have to disagree. There is no law that says both spouses have to work. I know plenty who don't and the families do just fine financially.

I agree with your disagreement! We are in a similar situation as you. I have been working very part-time for 10 years, and I may be for another 5-7 years. It is a mutual decision that works for us.

[Well Spent]

I have to disagree. There is no law that says both spouses have to work. I know plenty who don't and the families do just fine financially. My mother never worked and my father built a fine retirement on a modest income. My wife didn't work for 10 of our 16 years of marriage and now only works part-time, 2-days/week because she was offered a perfect position for her. If not for that, she probably wouldn't be working. She wasn't looking for work when she got this offer.

Live below your means. Keep your wants under control and you can build a reasonable retirement on one income.

Obviously there's no law. Your parents' generation was a whole different world. It is difficult, often impossible, for families who strive to achieve or maintain middle class status. You're a married physician with one kid so you could support all with just your income. You're comparing apples to oranges.

Tbone's family has not been able to survive, much less thrive, on his income alone so why is the wife unemployed, racking up debt, & hoarding money that is rightfully Tbone's, too?

[GoodBuyGirl]

On a side note, each partner should always have a clear picture of their financial situation.

I agree. We have an account for emergency bills. My problem is my DH won't use it for what it is there for. So any money I bring in that I have planned for saving for home improvements and a vacation goes towards the bills rather than using the bill money. Sure the emergency bill account is growing but it isn't there to be used for vacations and new carpeting ect.. I have no problem helping as much as I can with the bills. Since I don't work we are budgeted for one steady income. What money I bring in picks up the slack and pays for extra's like holidays and purchases for the home ect..
But what ends up happening is the bill account keeps getting bigger but the quality of life stays the same. I want a vacation.

[disneysteve]

Obviously there's no law. Your parents' generation was a whole different world. It is difficult, often impossible, for families who strive to achieve or maintain middle class status. You're a married physician with one kid so you could support all with just your income. You're comparing apples to oranges.

Tbone's family has not been able to survive, much less thrive, on his income alone so why is the wife unemployed, racking up debt, & hoarding money that is rightfully Tbone's, too?

A great many assumptions have been made in this thread. OP posted one time and that post didn't say much of anything. It didn't state his age. It didn't state his income. It didn't state their debt. It just said they live paycheck to paycheck. That could happen on 40K/year. It could happen on 240K/year. What if we discovered that OP earned over $100,000/year? Would that change your opinion of the situation?

I think a big problem today is that people create a lifestyle for themselves that demands two incomes. They buy large homes with ARMs or IO loans. They want to buy/lease new cars every 3 years. They want to have premium cable, broadband internet, cell phones, plasma TVs, have their kids in every imaginable activity, have professional-grade kitchen appliances, high-end front-load washer/dryer, granite countertops, take an annual family cruise, etc. People don't NEED all of that crap. Sure, it's nice to have (not that I'd know since I don't have most of it but I assume it would be nice). We've chosen to live a lifestyle that we can comfortably afford on my income alone. Yes, I earn well above the national average, but so what? When I earned a lot less, we had fewer niceties and amenities. If my income were to decrease, we'd cut out some of our current amenities so that we could continue to live on my income alone.

I don't buy the argument that 2 incomes are a necessity for everyone in today's society. I think many, many people have created that problem themselves.

[Well Spent]

I have been married for 16 years and I have been the sole bread winner in our house for all 16 years. My wife is a stay at home mom and for the last 12 years we have been taking care of her Grandparents. In January Grandpa passed away and left my wife over $100,000.00 in a Investment account. We are living paycheck to paycheck and she still refuses to discuss using the inheritance to help with the bills. I have also recently discovered that she has 3 new credit cards that are maxed out. She comes from a family with money and thinks I am out to get it. all I want is to be able to pay our bills. Should she share the money or am I way off base here? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

One person works for pay to support himself, his wife, at least one child, and grandma. So he's supporting 4 people on his unknown salary. His wife has 3 maxed out credit cards. I, too, would like more information but this is what we have to go on.

Where i live you need 2 salaries if you want to house, feed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care to two parents and child(ren).

[tripods68]

I agree.

T-bone needs to get back on this discussion with too many unanswered questions.

[disneysteve]

Where i live you need 2 salaries if you want to house, feed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care to two parents and child(ren).

I'd say that depends very much on how much you earn and what type of lifestyle you want to lead.

[maat55]

For all we know, OP made up this thread just to sit back and get a good laugh. But as steve has said, we are left to ponder over, very little, one sided information.

[kork13]

For all we know, OP made up this thread just to sit back and get a good laugh. But as steve has said, we are left to ponder over, very little, one sided information.

agreed.... I've sort of wondered why OP's never said anything else.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

One person works for pay to support himself, his wife, at least one child, and grandma. So he's supporting 4 people on his unknown salary. His wife has 3 maxed out credit cards. I, too, would like more information but this is what we have to go on.

Where i live you need 2 salaries if you want to house, feed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care to two parents and child(ren).

We don't know if he was supporting Grandma (and Grandpa) financially. Grandma could have been contributing every cent of a pension plus social security, plus investments income, the money from the sale of a house, and more to the household. Maybe that is why wife feels like husband is after her family's money. Also Grandma may have come with her own private medical insurance and Medicare as well. We do not know what "taking care" of Grandma means in this case.

If Grandpa was married to Grandma, he may also have left $100K $500K --who knows-- to Grandma. Perhaps husband has already plowed through that money and perhaps Grandma even had insisted that it go to the family pot. Again, that could sure make wife feel like husband was really after her family's money. We just do knot know who in the marriage was responsible for them only living paycheck to paycheck, even if this poster makes us think that the wife is a big spender and selfish.

There are a lot of "maybes" that I can imagine. Some of them might sound extreme, but then, there certainly are people who do extreme things. Like there are abusive marriages in which the wife is a stay at home mother, but she would love to get out in a job. The relationship may have become so screwed up that she is not "allowed" to have a job. Or maybe husband says he wants wife to also work, but refuses to help with childcare, and refuses to front the money for a babysitter until wife gets her first check, out of which child care must come. Her husband may spend so much of the household income on drugs, alcohol, trucks, guns, other women, his various indulgences that the wife and children are at home with barely anything to eat. Such a wife might be making a personal breakthrough for her own and her children's health if she was able to get credit cards and use them for their own needs and if she was able to stash an inheritance away from her husband. As I say, I know that would be extreme, but in my volunteer work and in my own family, I have known of such situations, except for the fortunate part about credit cards and inheritance.

So just who knows? I think our OP has been given several things to think about and possibly put into action in accord with what his situation really is. At this point I would be very surprised if he comes back to share the background information that allows us to give him our smartest replies.

[Judi Dial]

My ex ran through every dime I had. When I got remarried, I had MY money DH had his, we split the bills according to what we could afford, and kept it that way for many years. When my dad died, I had a chunk o' cash. The arrangement DH and I came up with was that he paid the basics, I paid for the frills, vacations, new cars, etc.

In this way we used up most of my inheritance in about 10 years, a little at a time.

I think the difference here is that you say you've supported your wife on your paycheck only since you were married. Tell her it has to stop, you need her to pay some of the smaller bills, some rough percentage, probably not more than 25%. Give her the utilities, cel phone, whatever small bills it will take to give you some breathing room.

She's had the benefit of your capital for all these years, she needs to share hers too. You don't need to control it, but you do need to have some say so on it.

btw, if she's that bad with credit cards, I'd probably get rid of my 2nd copy of whatever cards you've got (if any).

My .02!

JD

P.S. I regret not putting a ceiling on what we could use that was absolute so we have no reserves now, I would want my spouse to say let's put ($xxxxxx) in TBills, or something, so we don't spend it. I'm sorry neither DH or I did that, it would have made life now much easier.