Adults Living With Parents

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I think many people forget about life without kids. I know my parents are loving not having kids around! And if we moved back in I think my mom would die. And culturally it's common for almost everyone I know to live at home. But not me.

I think it fosters an unnecessary step in growing up. You have to struggle and if your parents make everything so easy how do you go from learning to save for a mortgage/Down payment to going from rent free to suddenly "budgeting" the mortgage?

Even our friends who are "responsible" and live at home, they admit that they spend money more foolishly now than ever before. They buy new cars and travel. They are only saving about the same as if they were renting because their rent money is going to fun.

So what's the point?

[disneysteve]

One thing that I saw with my own friends was that the ones who lived at home during college were the ones most likely to remain there after college. Those of us who went away for school were gone for good. Once we had independence, we didn't want to give it up. The ones who never had it didn't seem to be as interested in getting it.

[PrincessPerky]

Funny how American culture does move back in, but we call it leeching, other cultures see staying with the family the right thing....

So different. though of course other cultures the 'child' takes over some work, so more kids more work being done. Ours children are not supposed to do any work, to busy at school....

[disneysteve]

other cultures the 'child' takes over some work

I think that was more the case when we were an agrarian society - more kids=more farmhands.

What "work" was there for me to take over had I moved back home after college? I guess I could have helped with the laundry or housecleaning, but that would have been about it, and my mom didn't need any help with either of those things. I would have been more in the way than anything.

[Broken Arrow]

For the sake of conversation, the Asian culture is typically much more accepting of extended family arrangements. While we may view adult children leaving as a positive thing, implying a sense of good upbringing, in the East, it may be viewed negatively, implying the children are being disrespectful and leaving their parents behind to fend for themselves.

The welfare system and expectations there are different. Grandparents, as they age, are not expected to end up in a retirement home somewhere. Rather, their adult children are expected to take them in and care for them. In return, the grandparents can help take care of the grandchildren while the parents are out at work.

The grandparents don't mind this arrangement because their basic needs are met and they get to be around grandkids. The parents don't typically mind because this means they don't have to worry about quality of child care and its exorbitant costs. Plus, sometimes, they also get to sneak out and play as well. This works out for grandchildren as well, since there are more people around caring for them.

Of course, this also brings up extra dimensions of family issues and potential conflicts, but at least that's the expected norm until very recently anyway. I think today's Asian society may be more nuclear than extended, but I'm not certain. Either way,I was brought up in an extended family environment. In fact, my grandmother stayed with us and helped out for many years during my teen years. And the reason why I am house-sitting for my aunt is because this aunt is taking care of my grandmother right now back in her native country.

Speaking of which, that puts me in a rather interesting situation. It's a good thing that my parents have enough money to ensure their own retirement, but as a first-born son, it is their cultural expectation that I will do whatever I can to care for them as they age. And I don't mind this, especially after all that they've done for me. But exactly how that arrangement will work out remains to be seen.

As for me, my children are completely and 100% westernized, so I have no expectation whatsoever of them to care for me in my old age. In fact, I think I'd rather be that eccentric old man in a retirement home muttering about how he managed to double his money in some crazy stock gamble before he lost it all. But seriously, I fully expect to provide my own retirement.

[PrincessPerky]

I think that was more the case when we were an agrarian society - more kids=more farmhands.

What "work" was there for me to take over had I moved back home after college? I guess I could have helped with the laundry or housecleaning, but that would have been about it, and my mom didn't need any help with either of those things. I would have been more in the way than anything.

I would gladdly accept help with laundry myself

Seriously though I am not knocking moving out, I did at 17 (a bit to late IMO)

But I also don't knock staying really. If done right it is mutually helpful (I could use a spare pare of hands for sure)

I have a mix of expecting independence from my children, but not really seeing that as meaning completely separate. American theory seems to be you grow up move right oyut start your own household..which doesn't always make sense.

My husband has a lunch partner who stayed..he is in his 40s I think, not mooching, but also not paying for his own household. He uses some of his money as saving for when he will have to take over the house AND deal with loss or medical needs of his parents (as well as his own retirement fun) I see no reason why he should have to leave.

On the other hand I know a dude in his 40s living in moms basement..still being treated and acting like a teenager....the failure there is in how he was raised, not in the position of staying home.

[mladyd]

Leeches are leeches, and it has nothing to do with adult children moving in with their parents. Two very different situations although there can be some overlap. BUT there can be overlap in ALL LIVING SITUATIONS because as I said, leeches are leeches.

In my life I have 3 versions of how this might actually happen:

I have two adult children, one is 18 and still in high school so obviously he will be here for awhile longer, and a 21 year old in college who may or may not be moving back home after graduation. You don't necessarily just get your diploma, get a good job, have $$$ for a down payment on a place just because we want that to be how things work out for us. Most likely she will live here and pay off some of her student debt and perhaps buy a car before heading out on her own somewhere. Or maybe she will be lucky and have something lined up ahead of time, who knows? We can't count on anything there.

I am 50 years old and have been a SAHM for the last 20. If my husband want's a divorce to be with his young secretary I will not be able to stay in our house, I will have to be trained for a job, etc. and you know what? My parents, in their 70's, have always told me I can move in with them until I get on my feet in these kinds of worst case scenarios. It most definitely would not be the "playstation in the basement" kind of thing. I would also welcome family into my home under similar circumstances.

If I was suddenly single due to divorce or death I would welcome the company of either/both of my adult children while I figured out the rest of my life and my parents feel the same way. But my family is close and we all get along so maybe that's the difference.

[cptacek]

I think that part of the acceptance is because people are waiting longer to get married and there aren't as many children in the family any more.

If the parents have 1 or 2 children and a huge house, for instance, it wouldn't be so much of a strain to include one of them in the living arrangements. But if the parents have 5 or more children (as many families used to have) then the older ones have to leave to make room for the younger ones.

Also, with marriage ages being older and older, maybe the "independence" we thought was because of age was really because they were starting a family of their own.

[disneysteve]

Also, with marriage ages being older and older, maybe the "independence" we thought was because of age was really because they were starting a family of their own.

I don't think that's the case. I "mentally" left home when I graduated high school and went off to college. Yes, I lived there on breaks and summer vacation, but that being my home was just a temporary thing at that point. I "physically" left home when I graduated college and knew where grad school would be and moved closer to campus (only about 20-30 minutes from my parents' house). I was 21. I could have easily commuted but in my mind, I was an adult and it was time to strike out on my own. I didn't get married until I was 28 so marriage had nothing to do with moving out and independence.

[FrugalFish]

I live in a HCOLA (or it was until the market started to tank ). I can see "kids" living with their parents as a necessity at times rather than a choice. DH use to work with a lot of young people, who made very good salaries, but not enough to buy a house, and rather a stretch to rent without multiple room mates. If everybody living in the house is good with the situation, then it's none of my business who lives with who. If a parent is unhappy about a leech of a child, then it's their bad too- who enabled the child to live that way instead of teaching independence?

I was mortified when on my 30th b-day I found myself living with my mother. We simply had no place to live because the RE market was taking off and we had been displaced from our rental on short notice (so LL could sell it). It took us a few months to find an affordable and acceptable house to buy, and I'll always be grateful to my mom for the space and time she provided- it seemed like it would have been a huge strain on her.

[Anya7]

Funny...I was just thinking about this the other day. I am 23 and I know a lot of people my age who still live at home with their parents expense free and like to wax philosophical on the sheer and utter uselessless of "throwing money out the window" to pay rent, how stupid the people who do such things are, and how they will never make such a terrible financial decision - it'll be buy or nothing!

They all have stable jobs that earn them as much or more than I make and have had them for more than one year, either live in my immediate area or in one with a lower cost of living, and don't particularly seem to contribute much to the household (in fact I get the impression they rarely even see the other people they live with, only showing up late in the evening to raid the fridge for dinner and then go to sleep). Interestingly, they have all bought at least one car since their first car, sometimes several cars and sometimes off-the-lot new. They will consider buying houses, condos, and even possibly trailers (don't these depreciate in value?), but they will not rent. (Note that I live in an area where a decently-maintained 1200 sq ft rancher -- if you could even find something that small -- would run you at least $300k.) I even caught one berating one of the others for being "too good" to buy a trailer and wanting to stick around at home another couple of years until something "better" could be purchased. Now the non-trailer-buyer is considering *gasp* renting and it's spoken of like it's something shameful.

Me? I had to move back home after I graduated due to a medical issue that would have made living alone in a walkup impossible. My parents made it clear that I had six months of "free living" from the time I was able to start job hunting, and then I would have to start paying them rent to cover my own living expenses. I moved out a month after getting a full time job and have been living on my own ever since. Here I am, thinking I "did things right" so to speak, and meanwhile all my friends are thinking I'm an idiot because I don't still live at home.

I really, really don't understand their attitudes. I guess I have always been rather independent but still...wouldn't you want to move out, have your own place, stop feeling like a child because you're still living like one? Wouldn't you feel bad that you're taking advantage of the goodwill of your parents and the assumption that they won't kick you out, even though there's no reason they should still be paying to support you when you're in your mid-20s and can easily support yourself? I guess it's a manifestation of entitlement issues...forcing other people to support them so they don't have to "waste" their own precious money on anything less than a shiny new house.

[kork13]

I think similarly to what many others have said... When I left home for college, I distinctly made certain to LEAVE (i.e., put a few hundred miles between me and home), because I wanted to be independent of my family. That's simply how I was raised, and was also exactly what my mother did--she grew up in upstate NY, then went to school in Idaho, Hawaii, and Utah, then got married to my father who was in the military. Her 4 siblings all still live within 50 miles of my grandparents. As has been said, that works great for them, because my grandparents love having them around, are happy to watch children for them, and so forth.

Back to my immediate family, I can't imagine moving back in unless there was some significant emotional trauma, financial collapse, or a great need of it on my parents' part. However, I also recognize what many have explained, that sometimes it's in the interest of everyone for children to live near or in their parents' home--provided they are still responsible for themselves. It seems that is the primary qualification people are putting down, that when a child lives at home, there still needs to be a sense that they are responsible for themselves, and for having a plan to move out when that becomes an option (except of course in cases of caring for the parents).


To hit on cultural impacts mentioned earlier, I totally agree... I grew up in Guam, where there were frequently 4-5 generations living under the same roof. It wasn't at all about 'leeching', but simply caring for eachother. Everyone stays at home, or in a couple houses on the same property, so that there is always someone there to help with childcare, cleaning, cooking, medical needs, and simply bringing in money--families there would frequently all be working, and pool together nearly 100% of their wages. It's the culture of the polynesian/filipino/islander/etc. All of my grade-school friends talked about Auntie Ramona and Nana just as much as they did mom and dad.

[BCHGRL]

I find it quite repulsive to be honest. Being an young X-er or late Y-er (29yo), I believe that the people who move back in with mommy and daddy are the reason we are known as the boomerang generation. There are very few reasons that anyone should move back home and their stay should be no more than a few months TOPS.

Reasons:
1. Displaced because of job loss or loss of housing. If you try hard enough, you can always find a job (it may require flipping burgers but there are jobs) and loss of housing should be a very temporary situation until you can find a place to rent/buy.
2. You get divorced and have children and no place to go. Again, a temporary arrangement is fair if the parent is willing. The adult child should be back out on their own once they find employment (again, no one is too good to flip burgers if no other jobs available).

My experiences with adult children that live at home are that a) they are looking for a free meal ticket, b) they want their parent(s) to raise their child or children, c) they are addicted to some sort of substance and stealing from the parent(s) or d) all of the above. I know an adult child for each one of these categories. The first thinks he is entitled to eat for free when his single mom earns less than he does. The second has actually stated to her parents that she should get an apartment and her kids can just stay there with her parents. The third just got thrown in jail after stealing his dad's money and going missing all summer. The only way his parent knew he was still alive was to put a warrant out for his arrest.

My mom and I joke all of the time that friends and family members with adult kids my age make me look so GOOD without really trying. I have a job, I don't have kids that I expect my parents to raise, and I don't use substances. I was just showing off when I started earning more than my parents' combined salaray and obtained a graduate degree with a 4.0 GPA. I've learned to manage my $$ so well that I've actually started a separate family emergency fund, and my hubby has one for his family too.

[Gailete]

My son who turned 25 still lives with his dad and hates it. He lived in his own apartment for a year when going to school and managed it fine, but due to the fact he has autistim (high functioning) and is quite skilled, he has a hard time finding and keeping work in his field. He had been working at the local grocery store for years and is currently on probation as the frozen food manager. He should soon get a raise. but the point of this is, he makes barely above minimum wage and has school loans to pay. He is also very financially astute and knows that currently he can't afford the expenses involved with getting his own apartment until he is more sure of the manager job and a raise in pay. As I said he hates living with his dad and his dad would like to see him out he can't quite afford it yet.

He is growing up and he does have a life. He just has issues that makes it difficult for him to move on into all the adult world has to offer. I'm proud of the progress he has made in his life, considering I wasn't sure he would even graduate high school.

[veronak]

I am 34 and live at home which I am truly embarrassed by. However, my goal is to save money for a home and it's tough because as soon as I have something saved something else comes up in addition there is no privacy. It's hard for me to date because this is my mother's house and God forbid if I bring some one home...we can't even sit in my room with the door open at 34