Originally posted by Seeker
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Should I call off the wedding?
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Heck no. With a phd you are more likely to switch, talking from experience here. You do something you think you like, then find out that gee the job prospects in academia suck. So you switch but are in too deep to stop so you finish your phd and go do something else. Happens pretty much to most phds i know.
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Originally posted by DebbieL View PostI don't personally feel that someone who has 90K in student loan debt has the luxury of deciding they don't want to use that degree and then working in a low paying field. Once the debt is gone - fine, do what makes you "happy". I'm not exactly thrilled at my day to day job, but it pays the bills, gives me savings, and I can still go to school on the side.
PS - I think that huge debt may be a good reason to "run". Money troubles are the #1 cause of divorce. If they are very different in their styles and thinking about money, there will be many problems in their future. I personally wouldn't want to take on somebody with that kind of debt that wasn't working productively to attack it (or working to their full earning potential).
People can choose to "run" for anything. Money troubles arise because two people aren't really communicating, or not really thinking about each other and their goals as a whole.
Maybe this pairing is a bad coupling to begin with. I don't know but I can tell you that I find it amusing that so many people give me this sentence: "Money troubles are the #1 cause of divorce." Frankly I just chuckle.
People troubles are the #1 cause of divorce. Two people not willing to work together for the team for whatever reason. Yes, the fight can become visable with money; but again it's one of the two not really doing the "team" thing for whatever "people" reason.
If he does not want to marry her, that's his choice. If this 90k of debt feels "wrong" to him, then he needs to discuss it with her. The fact that people come running to an impersonal financial board (we do not know these people) and ask whether or not to call off a marriage because of this? How can we judge? And should we?
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Originally posted by chad View PostI'm not sure why she delayed in telling me. We never really got into finances much. She has a job that she really enjoys, but doesn't pay a whole lot. it seems to cover the bills she has now, but it isn't really putting a dent into her student loan debt.
It doesn't seem to be a big deal to her. When I asked why she didn't say anything about it earlier, she just shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know." When I pressed it a little more, she said it didn't seem like a big deal.
I'm not sure exactly what I feel - just that I don't feel right. And that concerns me.
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My wife and I still have issues discussing money related manners. Because I am so into it, and she is more passive about it, any conversation is intimidating from her perspective.
The fiance not bringing this up is NOT the big issue here. The OP might be young and nervous about getting married. let me ask a different question- could you talk finances with your best man? I have and do all the time.
Meaning I can bring up a money subject and my two best friends would be able to talk about it.
If you do not have a friendship on this level with a man, then I might suggest the issue is not with the fiance, but just with a bigger issue of having enough trust in someone to just talk about a taboo/touchy subject without getting upset or heated.
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Yes, Jim -- cold feet might be the real issue here.
My point is that they really need to discuss their future together, their goals -- whether or not they want to visit any other countries -- what makes them happy --- what makes them sad. What they like about each other and themselves and what they dislike. Where they want to be in 5 years or 10 and beyond. Children, family, friends, house? etc. Hobbies maybe not pursued yet (retirement plans)? Money does tend to fall into these discussions. And that's been missing as you've indicated by highlighting his words.
I agree completely. The other point I was trying to make is that to come to a board with written "breach" that has happened in his eyes, is asking for the type of run/postpone responses that are also appearing.
If a person "runs" away at any bad thing, they may never encounter the good things that happen in life either. And "money" is not what makes life worth living -- though it helps to have enough -- sharing life with someone you love, trust and respect is much more important in my opinion.
I'll repeat what I've written before.... if anyone waits for someone perfectly financially with-it; they may miss out on their soul-mate (because at the present moment in time that person may not be at that place). And times are such now (economy/jobs), that there are fewer single people in that middle-financial comfort zone.
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Holy crap! 150K on an accounting degree? I'm currently earning my accounting degree and it will only cost me about 13K (including the texts), and I get extended medical/dental coverage and a bus pass for the entire time as part of my tuition. I cannot even imagine paying 150K for it. I'll still be an accountant and get the same jobs.
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Originally posted by DebbieL View PostHoly crap! 150K on an accounting degree? I'm currently earning my accounting degree and it will only cost me about 13K (including the texts), and I get extended medical/dental coverage and a bus pass for the entire time as part of my tuition. I cannot even imagine paying 150K for it. I'll still be an accountant and get the same jobs.
This was a doctorate program and while going through the program, they lived on site. California to a highly-sophisitcated/accredited college across the USA (top-notch business school and a highly-intensive program). They actually met each other there and ended up with much more than either expected. But it seems to be okay for them.
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I know a social worker who had $100k in debt. It's all relative.
Why couldn't you talk finances? I think if you talk marriage then you definitely talk finances.
You don't even have to talk finances after 2 years if you are just "having fun" (ie screwing around). Then obviously the relationship is well physically based.
But otherwise if it's serious?
Yes
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This situation would make me wonder what else she has never bothered to tell you.
I think this is exactly the WRONG approach. I think this makes the assumption that she is "hiding" something, being deceitful and painting her as a "bad" person and on and on. If you truly want to destroy your relationship, then that is the path to take. I see no reason to assume she is not telling you the truth and in her eyes it probably was just as she said "no big deal".
And, as another poster said, you can try to shield your life from all the bad but in doing so, you often miss the good.
Everyone has cold feet. Obviously, finances should have been discussed prior to this so you are both at fault. However, how long have you been dating and engaged? $90K isn't exactly pocket change either.
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Can you go to pre-marital counseling? We went to an Engaged Encounter weekend and it was a 3 day weekend in the format of the leaders giving the group their stories, each person writing in a notebook a letter to the other person about that topic, and then us discussing that topic privately (separate from the group.) You are very focused on what the other person wants and it is a retreat from all the wedding hoopla that sometimes gets more important than preparing for marriage.
I know the Catholic Church has these, and I bet most other religions and some civic organizations probably put them on too (don't know...didn't have to look). It is a very non-threatening way to talk about all these issues, some you don't even think to bring up.
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