Marriage - luck or work?

[disneysteve]

How to find out, is it the right person and you need to work it through or it's just not your match and any effort is useless?

I think that becomes obvious pretty quickly when you are dating. If an issue comes up and the other person is unwilling to discuss it, compromise or consider any other way of doing things, that should be a huge red flag.

I think the problem is what I said earlier. People keep thinking it will get better or the other person will change. Forget it. It won't happen.

[DebbieL]

Disneysteve,

I too love your line about too many flawed relationships end in marriage. You put into your post everything I was thinking, but in a much more eloquent way.

[cptacek]

It is VERY important to wait until you find the right person. I waited until I was well into my 30s to marry. Why? Because I KNEW that none of the people I was with before then were totally right for me.

I agree. I just got married this year at 30, so excuse my noobyness. But when I look back at all the guys I dated before, I couldn't imagine being married to them. DH and I met, went on our first date 3 weeks later, he said he loved me on that first date, and from then on, we knew we were going to be together. Every other relationship I had I always thought "maybe him? Maybe it will work out? God I hope so, I don't want to be an old maid." But with DH I just knew.

Anyway, I think respect, love and commitment are the most important things. Hopefully in 50 years I'll look back on this post and read it out loud to my grandkids

[F16]

I think that becomes obvious pretty quickly when you are dating. If an issue comes up and the other person is unwilling to discuss it, compromise or consider any other way of doing things, that should be a huge red flag.

I think the problem is what I said earlier. People keep thinking it will get better or the other person will change. Forget it. It won't happen.

And when she does not want to date?

[PrincessPerky]

And when she does not want to date?

Dating serves a very useful purpose..gives everyone a chance to hang out and see what reactions different situations come up with..not to mention time, before you agree to spend a life with someone you need to spend time with them.

Now if the person you are considering wont date..then you already have someone who wont compromise...doesn't bode well for the future marriage.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Oh I have a feeling F16 has in mind something she would call "courting" rather than dating. Eh, F16?

[money2009]

A little bit of both, but just like most other things that are good in life it's mainly the result of some work.

[prosper]

I consider my and my husband's relationship pretty effortless. Still you need to remember not to take your partner for granted which is pretty easy because its human nature to become accustumed to things. I used the word communication instead of work because the idea of having to "work" to make a relationship run smoothly is a little offputting and totally unhelpful (what exactly do people mean by work at it).

We do qualify as the disgustingly still in love couple even after 7+ years. Course, I don't think that is weird because my entire family tends to form that type of relationship when they marry.

So far thats how its been for us. We communicate pretty well with each other. We live to please the other person. Also, we are brutally honest with each other.

[Seeker]

I consider my and my husband's relationship pretty effortless. Still you need to remember not to take your partner for granted which is pretty easy because its human nature to become accustumed to things. I used the word communication instead of work because the idea of having to "work" to make a relationship run smoothly is a little offputting and totally unhelpful (what exactly do people mean by work at it).

We do qualify as the disgustingly still in love couple even after 7+ years. Course, I don't think that is weird because my entire family tends to form that type of relationship when they marry.

I used the term "work" because it takes effort to communicate. I know what I'm thinking 100% of the time; but knowing and understanding what my DH is thinking takes "effort" or "work." Work is not a bad thing; you pretty much have to work for anything that you want or need. To get outside yourself you have to work. To think about others you have to work. To communicate, share, live, you have to work.

DH and I share many many interests. Like many others I pretty much gave up the idea of being married because my DH did not come into my day-to-day life until I was in my 40's; I was fully prepared and willing to make the journey through life completely alone if it had to be that way. Both of us did not think that we'd ever meet our soulmate; yet we did.

We do complement each other completely... but in some ways we are complete opposites too. Our marriage is "effortless" and in every sense of the old Country song: Friend, Lover, Wife.... that's our marriage. But there's still some "work" -- in the form of understanding how the opposite gender thinks and approaches life. Men and women do not view the world the same, and communication will always involve some effort of understanding and thought.

[DebbieL]

I've never felt that it takes effort or work to communicate with my DH. I really do feel like this is a pretty effortless relationship. We both have a strong desire to please each other (and ourselves).

Now, I have had past relationships that I would have considered a LOT of work. Not even worth it in the long run, and they were so much hassle. I'm absolutely thrilled that I finally found DH!

PS - Seeker, I think between DH and I, his traits (sensitivity, communication, etc.) are probably much more female than mine. I think I am more the "male" in our relationship, lol. Maybe this is why so many women like to befriend gay men (DH isn't gay, but he's really like having a girlfriend - with benefits). He always loves to talk about everything and he's so sappy. Definitely not what I'm used to in a man.

[Seeker]

I've never felt that it takes effort or work to communicate with my DH. I really do feel like this is a pretty effortless relationship. We both have a strong desire to please each other (and ourselves).

Now, I have had past relationships that I would have considered a LOT of work. Not even worth it in the long run, and they were so much hassle. I'm absolutely thrilled that I finally found DH!

PS - Seeker, I think between DH and I, his traits (sensitivity, communication, etc.) are probably much more female than mine. I think I am more the "male" in our relationship, lol. Maybe this is why so many women like to befriend gay men (DH isn't gay, but he's really like having a girlfriend - with benefits). He always loves to talk about everything and he's so sappy. Definitely not what I'm used to in a man.

I hear you Debbie -- Nothing pleases me as much as pleasing DH. I love to see that shining sparkle in his eye and the slight grin

Also I can relate to the female/male traits. We, DH & I, can be watching a movie and during the sensistive moments, he will "leak" tears and very rarely do I. Because I grew up with two brothers, I think I pretty much learned to hide my emotional side most of the time; i grew up as a tomboy.

But I too, love the sensitive side to him. And I relate to what you're saying as far as feeling more male myself, at times.

[aevans1206]

My husband and I have some major differences--different race, he is much older than me, list goes on and on. I think the relationship began in love, but has continued into a conscious decision to be with one another and accept eachother's difference because of that love. It's a two fold thing. But I can honestly also say that the early years are the hardest, too. As time marches on, our marriage has gotten better and better

[antiver]

I don't think luck is the right word to use... "good fit" is a better. Your partner's faulty points / quirks should be things you don't mind in the long run, and vice versa.