Marriage - luck or work?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Right but I know someone in an arranged marriage and he's very unhappy. He won't ever leave, but he never is with his wife and kids. He always is working or at his parents house and tries to never be responsible for the kids.

Very neat answers so far. Anyone divorced was it lack of work or just unlucky?

[poundwise]

Luck is a myth.

Love is a decision, not just a feeling.

Commitment is a big part of it as well. Do you have it or not? You'll find out.

[scfr]

Only been married 15 years, so I'm far from an expert, but I will say that in our marriage (first and hopefully last for both of us) the following have been the most important elements (in order of importance):

- Respect
- Love (yes ... I put respect before love, believe it or not)
- Willingness to Compromise
- Work
- Luck ... Good fortune ... Destiny ... Whatever you choose to call it

I think these elements feed off of each other ... With the possible exception of luck, we couldn't remove any one of these for very long and expect the marriage to last.

[mishi07]

A little of both. I believe having the right timing is also an important factor in making a relationship work. And to reiterate the above statement, compromise and respect.

[Caoineag]

Having watch a couple friends go through quite a few relationships, I would have to say the key element to a relationship seems to be communication. Those that have the ability to communicate with their significant other last, those who don't communicate don't.

I think luck only comes into play on meeting someone who is as committed to communicating as yourself. My spouse and I have been together for going on 8 years but we also committed to never letting an issue get to the point where it causes problems.

[aida2003]

Having been married for 37 years I would say that the "luck" part is meeting the right person. The "hard work" part comes after the marriage.

That's what I think, too, though I've been married for 7 years only.
I consider myself lucky having met my husband. And the hard work kicked in after one year of our marriage.

[FrugalFish]

I'm going to go with work. Marriage could ultimately be considered ongoing negotiations- in a good marriage, you will always find a way to meet in the middle.

I know a goodly number of people who feel "trapped" in their marriages. Some are unable to be financially independent of a spouse, others stay for health reasons (either themselves or their spouse), some stay for the kids' sake. There are endless reasons to feel stuck.

I've also been surprised by how many people I've known who decided to divorce in their 50s once the kids are all gone, but then didn't because they realized they could not afford to get divorced. It's sad to see people so miserable with each other, but financially unable to split into two.

[irmanator]

It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage.

I agree completely

[irmanator]

Right but I know someone in an arranged marriage and he's very unhappy. He won't ever leave, but he never is with his wife and kids. He always is working or at his parents house and tries to never be responsible for the kids.

Very neat answers so far. Anyone divorced was it lack of work or just unlucky?

my first ended in divorce cause i was stupid and young -howver i tried and he didnt , the stupid part comes because like disneysteve said "It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage." --So it shouldn't have happened. i ignored too many signs.

[DebbieL]

I don't see luck as being much to do with it. It is VERY important to wait until you find the right person. I waited until I was well into my 30s to marry. Why? Because I KNEW that none of the people I was with before then were totally right for me. We were together long enough for me to figure that out. I also never would have married anyone without living together for a while first (I know some don't like this, but for me it was mandatory). If the right person for me would have come along at 22, then I guess that would have been lucky, but I probably wouldn't have been ready for him then, lol. I was also TOTALLY okay with the idea of never getting married. Marriage wasn't one of my life's goals. I always had the thought that if it happens, that's great, and if not that's okay too. I would far rather be single than be stuck in a miserable relationship. I knew I never wanted to get divorced, so the decision to marry would be a very important one for me. I think some people are just so focused on wanting some silly fairy tale wedding and spend more time planning for that one day than actually considering the years to come after that.

As for the hard work part, I never think of anything to do with my marriage as work. We are best friends and lovers. It is a relationship that feels so effortless to me that I cannot really describe it. I know of very few couples who are as happy as we are. I'm almost embarrassed to have no real complaints about my DH. Nothing to moan about to other women, etc.

PS - He's a very sensitive, giving, romantic person. He cooks me special meals (he's a chef), etc. I think he's the woman in our relationship. He gets all teary eyed and emotional far easier than I do.

[PrincessPerky]

It isn't that too many marriages end in divorce. It is that too many flawed relationships end in marriage.

Excellent line.

Far to many are willing to tie the knot with anyone, often someone who is not really right for them.

I didn't marry because I knew I could live with my husband, or that I could 'make it work'. I married because I didn't want to live without him. Though we have only made it 8 years (in May) no problem has been more difficult than the thought of being without him.

On the other hand I know of one couple who I am pretty sure is married due to being too lazy to divorce!

[F16]

Is it possible when you find the right person that everything will go without any problems or efforts or work?

[Caoineag]

Is it possible when you find the right person that everything will go without any problems or efforts or work?

I consider my and my husband's relationship pretty effortless. Still you need to remember not to take your partner for granted which is pretty easy because its human nature to become accustumed to things. I used the word communication instead of work because the idea of having to "work" to make a relationship run smoothly is a little offputting and totally unhelpful (what exactly do people mean by work at it).

We do qualify as the disgustingly still in love couple even after 7+ years. Course, I don't think that is weird because my entire family tends to form that type of relationship when they marry.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Ouch, I definitely work at our relationship. I don't think DH and I are effortless. I adore him but it's not all chocolate and roses.

We have our moments and we have our problems. We're only human and I guess I feel fortunate that we both work for us.

[F16]

How to find out, is it the right person and you need to work it through or it's just not your match and any effort is useless?