Relationship Question

[PrincessPerky]

Some old folk are not as old as others...and 40 something is a far cry from 50 something. Older does tend to mean less energy, but that isn't always a terrible thing (not having the energy to stay up till 3 am might make for a more intelligent bedtime!)

and... Many people in their 20s fall asleep watching TV every night instead of doing scouts, or other activities with their kids. The type of parent means more than the age.

Unfortunately without a crystal ball we can't know what type of parent the old fellow or the younger friend will be. Assuming all is good, and they are in love, buying extra life insurance is about all one can do IMO.

Though if she really wants a family of 3 or 4 she might want to consider adopting...sometimes much faster to get 3 or 4 than the old fashioned route. (especially since medically the ability to create a kid does drop with age)

[LivingAlmostLarge]

He began divorce proceedings in January, they began dating in like february/march of this year. And I guess they are moving fast because she wants to get married and have kids.

I did hint at the financial repercussions of a divorce, she said he's gotta give her a large settlement, they have to sell the house. He moved out in January, so no he's not living with his ex.

I don't know how financial stable he will be because of the divorce, but money isn't a reason to not get married (yeah i'm a romantic).

In fact I'm not sure whether to tell her to get a prenup because is her income considered for alimony? They were married quite a few years.

I know enough to suggest a cohabitation agreement, especially after last time. But she's equally romantic like me, and my DH said to tell her not to buy the house with the her ex-boyfriend, which is why I told her to get a signed, binding, legal agreement before they did it (we were both stupid romantics). They were already house shopping too!

But what repercussions can it have to marry a divorced man? At least he has no kids. And if they have kids then he'll have to support them right?

Is it wrong to suggest a prenup too?

[vsjhoc]

I may be in a minority, but I never even thought that people who are not yet legally divorced should even be dating. Yet this guy is getting ready to move in with someone and he won't get the divorce until July? You first said "recently divorced," but it doesn't sound like he is divorced at all. Even "legally separated" is still married.

Have they been dating long---As in while the guy and his wife were still living together and before the process of divorce was begun? That would be a big red flag to me.

Do you think your friend knows what financial commitments this guy comes with at the present, or after his divorce? I think she should know before moving in together. Also understanding how he intends to and actually does follow through on those commitments are the kinds of things I would want to know about a person before moving in with them, much less having kinds with them. She can learn a little bit about what life might be like with him long term by looking at his present and at his record, so to speak. (Not to say that people cannot change.)

All other things aside, I do not think that being 50 precludes thorough, energetic, quality parenting, nor do I think that 20 years age difference is insurmountable. I think matching values and character is far more important.

If you're in the minority, then I'm right there with ya. Agree 1000% with everything you said.

[vsjhoc]

Is it wrong to suggest a prenup too?

I can think of no situation where a prenup would be inappropriate.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Money issues are among the top reasons why couples have problems that lead to divorce. Poor judgment, poor self control, over controllingness, impulsivity, or inability to work with the other on money matters can break up any relationship. That is why I think understanding his money situation IS important in deciding to move in with and/or marry him.

You know--like does the divorcing couple have credit card bills to pay off, cards that he was 95% responsible for by over-buying electronics, or camera equipment, or woodworking supplies, or even charging up things for a business, or whatever?

See, I think what bills a person has, how they came about those bills, and how they intend to honor their debt says a lot about them. I would not consider a living-together or marriage to someone that I did not know these things about. It is not about how much money he has. It is about how honorable he is with his money dealings. Actually it goes both ways. He should know the same about her before a commitment. It is just that with a longer life history and a longer history of being financially bound with another person he may have more to reveal than she does. They should both have their eyes open.

Sorry for all the "shoulds."

[tripods68]

I have story to tell.

We'd known someone that married a lot older guy and he died last year. She is now collecting his survivor benefits (social security) and her daughter receiving survivors aswell (9 years old). We still wonder today if she married him for the right reason or just for his money.

[vsjhoc]

I have story to tell.

We'd known someone that married a lot older guy and he died last year. She is now collecting his survivor benefits (social security) and her daughter receiving survivors aswell (9 years old). We still wonder today if she married him for the right reason or just for his money.

My ex-husband was 22 years older. Many people thought I was a gold digger. As it turned out, he had no money and squandered most of mine.

[jIM_Ohio]

If I married for the money, I am still waiting to find it.

[aevans1206]

It's fine to be a worried friend, but as a 28 year old woman with a 50 year old husband (and we've been together for 8 years), I would not advise delving too deeply into advice for your friend. She needs to make those decisions on her own. I have a four year old with my husband and he is a very involved parent. Life is hard, period. What matters is that we spend our lives with someone we love.

I would give her advice if she requests it. Other than that, I'd stay out. It's hard to do that as a concerned friend, but it's the best thing to do.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I usually give her financial advice, and keep clear of romance. Hence why I suggested contract when buying the house with her ex. I liked him a lot by the way, nothing personal, just figured she should protect herself well in case.

This time too, I'm sure the guy is great. I haven't meet him enough to judge, but I worry financially she'll get into a horrible bind or something. Last time she got lucky and dumped the guy before they bought a house together.

This time she's really moving a lot faster and I wonder if financial repercussions could quickly follow.

Finances or protecting them are a lot easier to mention than "gee that guy is kinds of old".

[moneybags]

I believe that if a person is on social security and has minor children, they are also eligible to collect a check.

[MonkeyMama]

I have a friend who married someone 20 years her senior and now has 4 young kids. I have always found it very sad that he is about 60 and just having these kids. What are the odds he'll live to see them to adulthood??? On the flip side, when you love someone, love knows no age.

In their particular case his business is floundering and she is young and has a good career ahead of her. He'll probably retire and watch the kids while she works, etc. I think for them it will work out okay financially. Though that is probably a situation where long-term care insurance is key. Don't want to be worried about nursing home expenses for your spouse when your kids hit college, etc. I had honestly never really thought about the financial ramifications before. Unique, for sure.

[tabbycat31]

my mom always taught me the "rule of 7" when deciding on a mate (still single). You can go 4 years older, 3 years younger than you.

She has a friend that just lost her husband of 30 years. She's in her late 50s, and he passed away in December at 82. After the death, she is still feuding with children from his previous marriage (in her age range), and they have a son about my age.

I don't know the financial details, but women also live longer than men do, so she may be a widow 20 years earlier.