Wedding Gifts, or How to ask for cash politely!

[musicalbabe85]

I got married last June, and while I was researching ettiquette, I came across a piece that said "If you want money, don't tell people yourselves. Tell your parents' and they can discreetly pass it on to the rest of the family." It basically said if you ask for it, you're being rude, but if your parents or whatever say "Oh, they already have most things...money would probably help them more" then it isn't as big of a deal. Me personally? I tend to give money anyhow for wedding gifts. People register for stuff that's either too expensive for me, or they don't have a huge registry and everything is already bought. So money is just more convenient, then they don't have to worry about returning some useless gift I just randomly selected.

[musicalbabe85]

When my cousin got married, he and his fiancee booked their honeymoon through this company called beachbum or something. They sent all the guests (I assume, I received one) a note that asked for a donation to help pay for the honeymoon. Kind of irked me because I wasn't getting to take a trip with them, why should I help pay? I didn't even get to take a honeymoon, so I sure as heck wasn't going to help pay for theirs!

[disneysteve]

and on the wedding invites too, I'd have my maid of honor and best man sign these inserts...

"Ms. Cooliemae & Mr. Cooliemae-To-Be plan to buy a home soon to get them started in life. Although registry gifts are lovely they already possess many household items, so, their family and beloved guests are encouraged to gift them w/cash or equivalent in lieu of a wrapped gift to help them with their future down-payment. A money tree will be available at the shower/reception or you can make a deposit at $$Bank in downtown Cooliemaeville to the "Cooliemae House Fund". Every time they enter their Home-Sweet-Home they will be reminded of the great send-off you gave them!"

...or something to that effect!

JMHO but I would find this quite tacky. There is simply no polite way to ask for cash.

What I would suggest is telling your parents and perhaps your bridal party members the situation. That way when people ask them what you guys would like or where you are registered, they can tell them that you aren't registered anywhere and would prefer monetary gifts to use toward a downpayment. Doing it informally through word of mouth is different to me than formalizing it by putting it in writing with the invitations, even though the end result is the same.

[InDebtInDC]

Why in the world would you ask if ALL American traditons are necessarily good traditions? Yes, they are

Whoa, America has a deep history involving a lot of things. I won't go into it all but we have things like slavery, racism, women's rights, so on and so forth. If you think all American traditions are good traditions, then you are the enemy against everything for which a lot of people stand.

I would say that the fact that you say that doesn't sound like you are an American

I am a US citizen. I pay taxes. I participate in the political process.

My entire career has been dedicated to public service. I've served wounded veterans, contributed to the economic prosperity of the country (by serving the government and public at large), served to protect the public from frivolous lawsuits, etc. Outside of my professional career, I've marched on the Capital to promote women's rights, cancer awareness, and a plurality of other social causes.

Does that still not make me an "American"? What else do I have to do? Is there a list somewhere?

What have you done that makes you an "American", or is that something you're born with?

You must have had an idea of some traditions that aren't necessarrily good traditions to say that. Would you like to elaborate and maybe state the ones you don't care for/

Let's see. You have women's rights, racism, gender treatment, how the political system is biased against outsiders, tax codes are complicated, lack of understanding of the American legal system in general by Americans who are supposed to be the ones that voted for people who passed these laws, lack of cultural awareness, lack of foreign language skills, lack of comprehension on the impact of globalization, etc.

Need I go on?

[InDebtInDC]

JMHO but I would find this quite tacky. There is simply no polite way to ask for cash.

I agree. I think you should be honest with these people. Like I said above, if they honestly loved you and cared about what you want, then they want to be happy. If having a cash reserve instead of useless junk makes you happy, and if I were invited to your wedding, I would have no issue ponying up the cash.

Why can't you just be honest and straightforward instead of worrying about being polite? It's a fact. These are your feelings and this is what you want. Why are you worried about being judged? Your feelings and wishes are your own, and you need no one else to instill legitimacy upon them.


Please be strong. Good, decent, reasonable people would appreciate the honesty. I'm sure they'll be glad to know that you saved them from turmoiling over picking the perfect gift for you.

Cash may be impersonal, but if that's what you want, then it becomes personal and fitting of the occasion.


I support making contribution amounts anonymous so that the less privileged people don't feel overshadowed by the more well-to-do folks.

They sent all the guests (I assume, I received one) a note that asked for a donation to help pay for the honeymoon. Kind of irked me because I wasn't getting to take a trip with them, why should I help pay? I didn't even get to take a honeymoon, so I sure as heck wasn't going to help pay for theirs!

It's a donation. If you don't want to donate, then don't donate. It's not as if they made contributions mandatory.

I tend to give money anyhow for wedding gifts. People register for stuff that's either too expensive for me, or they don't have a huge registry and everything is already bought. So money is just more convenient, then they don't have to worry about returning some useless gift I just randomly selected.

I agree. There are more people who share this sentiment than you would think.

I agree that is always rude to ask for money

Why? Individuals acting in their best interest is good for the system as a whole.

So what if that is what you really want? No one is required to give gifts for your wedding; they do so because they want to help you start out your new life together as a couple or because they think it will make you happy. You shouldn't *expect* anything from anyone, even though everyone (even me) expected to get gifts. But I registered at stores that had a variety of price-points and did not ask directly for cash. If they choose to give you money, great. If not, be grateful for what you get.

Your argument is flawed because the money is not compulsory as a prerequisite for attending the wedding. People are free to abstain from giving any money at all. At no point did the OP state that all guests should give at least $X.

The OP simply didn't want random junk that people with poor taste tend to give. If you got rid of the present it makes the people upset because their precious present was not cherished. In this situation, you're stuck with something you don't want for life.

I would feel extremely uncomfortable asking anyone to give me money because I am getting married. But that's just my personal feeling. My fiance and I are asking people to give to a charity of their choice.

You are entitled to your feelings. Do what makes you comfortable. If the OP is comfortable asking for money, why should she be entitled to do so?

It is hard to explain that there is not one clear cut answer to every situation. There are many acceptable ways to act, things to say, ways to dress, salutations to give, presents to give, meals to serve, etc---in so many situations. I don't see, Aleta, how you could say what is "the" American tradition in many cases. There is a compendium of traditions, and those are going to be ever changing. Actually this is true in much of the world now, I suspect. The US is far from being the only country with large numbers of immigrants and there are other forces that change customs besides immigration.

I think this is extremely fair. There are a lot of unwritten rules, and even for native born Americans, there are still rules depending on where you live and your family heritage.

She just hit a pet peeve of mine where people assert that the "American" tradition is fixed in time, and certain things are done certain ways and should never be changed.

Realize that we as a country is only several hundred years old. Are we any more legitimate than the thousand year-old traditions elsewhere? Also, what happened to all the native Indians that we killed? They were here first. What about the Indian traditions?

Why do we get to declare what is "American" because we killed people and took their land?

Personally I would find it rude if someone asked blatantly for cash. But heck it's becoming more common now

Again, where is is written that this practice is considered to be "rude"?

But for our american friends we never dreamed of being so crass and saying "yeah we have everything, give us money, pony up cash." And we certainly did not pick expensive things on the registry. Why? Because again it's rude to dictate that you need $x amount for a gift.

It's the thought that counts. If all you are doing is inviting people for the gift, then you should reconsider. Everyone at our wedding, 55 people, were invited even without an expectation of a gift. And some of our friends gave very simple and lesser priced gifts. But we were happy to have them share our day.

I agree with your sentiments but I disagree with your characterization. Asking for money doesn't mean that you have everything. It means that:

a) you want a cash reserve for certain things;
b) people have poor taste.

Anonymous donations take care of the income gap amongst the guests.

[Aleta]

InDebtInDC: You sound like a very angry person.

I don't consider slavery a tradition. Those are causes and alot of people don't believe in most of the causes you spoke of.

[InDebtInDC]

InDebtInDC: You sound like a very angry person

I am angry at ignorance. Right now I'm treating you like somebody who flick me off because I'm doing the speed limit in the right lane. Doing the speed limit in the right lane is my right. You shouldn't get upset at other people when they're asserting their rights.

You're free to practice your own traditions, but don't get high and mighty and say that your tradition is better than anyone else's simply because they are your own. They are your traditions, and are no more or less legimitate than anyone else's tradition.

That "do what you want in your own country" attitude can also be turned around on you because unless you are native Indian, if I went back far enough at some point you were an immigrant as well. And even if you were native Indian you migrated here from somewhere else earlier. There was life on this continent before your family landed here.

I don't consider slavery a tradition. Those are causes and alot of people don't believe in most of the causes you spoke of.

Main Entry: tra·di·tion
Pronunciation: \trə-ˈdi-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English tradicioun, from Middle French & Latin; Middle French tradicion, from Latin tradition-, traditio action of handing over, tradition — more at treason
Date: 14th century
1 a: an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b: a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable
2: the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction
3: cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions
4: characteristic manner, method, or style <in the best liberal tradition>

While I don't disagree that slavery is a cause, slavery rests on the premise that people of different skin colours are different and not equal.

Slavery meets all definitions of a "tradition" as posted above.


We live. We die. Get over it. If the OP wants to ask for money, and as long as she doesn't blow it, let her ask for it in the way she feels is best.

The entire focus of this thread is wrong. We should be helping her:

a) get as much money as possible;
b) manage the money she does get; and
c) make it grow for her.

This is the saving advice forum, not the social etiquette forum.

[Aleta]

The reason that I responded to your post in the way that I did is because oTo be honest, this is the reason why native Americans do not get invited to foreign weddings. Not only does each American represent a meal that is not paid for, but also each American also represents money that is forgone.

f a portion of your post.

You have a very condescending attitude.

[LuxLiving]

Sorry, IMHO, the way you are using the term native American may be confusing to some. I think you may mean natural-born American. There are Native Americans, meaning they are of Indian heritage. But, if they were born in the US they are also a native-born American or natural-born American.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I don't know exactly but pretty MUCH every etiquette book says asking for money is RUDE. There is no way to say it nicely.

But heck it's becoming more common. But IMHO, I feel no one should be expected to give a gift or should be expected to contribute.

[InDebtInDC]

The reason that I responded to your post in the way that I did is because oTo be honest, this is the reason why native Americans do not get invited to foreign weddings. Not only does each American represent a meal that is not paid for, but also each American also represents money that is forgone.

f a portion of your post.

You have a very condescending attitude.

Main Entry: con·de·scend
Pronunciation: \ˌkän-di-ˈsend\
Function: intransitive verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French condescendre, from Late Latin condescendere, from Latin com- + descendere to descend
Date: 14th century
1 a: to descend to a less formal or dignified level : unbend b: to waive the privileges of rank
2: to assume an air of superiority

I restricted my discussion to finances, whereas you broadened your comments to include cultures in general, even accusing me of being unAmerican at points. Show me one thing I said that suggested that I was superior to you.

Do not mistake your inability to maintain a persuasive argument for being condescending on my part. I simply dismissed 99% of what you said as being invalid. At no point did I attack you personally; only that your points were invalid.

You may be a good person, but you were unable to respond with legitimate comments to any of the issues I brought up in response to your posts. If you can't defend your postings, then think clearly about what you're posting.

I made no condescending comments. Instead, I attacked your points head-on. But remember that at no point did I say "Aleta was a bad person" or "I am a better person than Aleta". If you feel this way then I apologize. Show me where I said this and I will fix it.

[PrincessPerky]

If the original topic is still of interest....I find telling parents to be easy in my family...and they are the ones who were pestering us 'why didn't you register yet? Aunt Lue is asking what to buy you'...so since they are the ones asked what to buy they were perfect to fill in money for a house as the true need. Not that all gave us money..you can't change folks traditions..we were told in advance what one lady would give us, not because she talked, but because it was the same present she had given every newlywed in all her known years .

[PrincessPerky]

I don't know exactly but pretty MUCH every etiquette book says asking for money is RUDE. There is no way to say it nicely.

But heck it's becoming more common. But IMHO, I feel no one should be expected to give a gift or should be expected to contribute.

but when one is asked 'what do you want'...what are you supposed to answer? does the etiquette book have anything to say on that?

[Aleta]

LuxLiving: I apologize to you. I was trying to quote InDebtDc's remarks and the reason that I responded the way that I did. I also come from a Native American background and my one side of my family came here in the 1648. I live in South Florida and you really do have to be tolerant to understand other people and I feel that I do that pretty well.

We have a site where most people come here deeply in debt and do the best that they can in the gift giving area and the last thing they need to here is the condenscending remarks of other people.

Didn't mean to offend anybody. We have a lot of people here that need encouragement in what they are doing.

[Gruntina]

Personally I would not say anything about the money or gift or registry of any kind in any wedding invitation. Leave that to your parents or those who are helping with the wedding to spread when requested by others. By not doing a registry narrows down the choices for guests which probably results in more monetary gifts.
The whole point of a wedding invitation is that you’re announcing that you are getting married and you want to invite those to come and see the ceremony and join in the celebration. It is about getting married and not buying a house.
How people respond to the invitation is up to them whether they respond by their ideas, cultures, and expectation. Leave it to them to decide if they want to accept the invitation or not and what they want to do as far as gift goes rather than enforce it on all type of people.

To be honest - I rather get a bad gift than be asking for one