keeping up with ..insert name here.

[Smallsteps]

First of all thanks for all the responses.

Next, the couple is well aware of the amount of our contribution and I agree they need to budget based on THAT figure not What the other set of parents is trying to push us into. We have already wrote the check paying for down payments on venue.
I am not sure if should have spoken up after that line was uttered but as I said there were others present and I did not feel like a financial discussion in front of a few extra people we had JUST met. Maybe that was the plan knowing we would not really start anything in front of a crowd.
I am sure we can count on couple to just accept what was paid and move on. They were quite uncomfortable with the conversation as well. It seems to only be an issue for the other set of parents perhaps they were overly generous and now want a way out using us saying the contributions need to match. the couple will be picking up extra anyway and need to decide based on how far their budget takes them.

As this is a diverse crowd here on the forum I will clear up a fact I have left out this does not apply to OLD school traditions or rules as there is no Bride. I have seen no new rules for this situation. I just feel bullied and upset by these peoples behavior.

[corn18]

Having discussed the potential cost of future weddings with my wife and kids, I have noted (but not said a word) that the wedding seems to be more about what mom wants for her kid's wedding vs. what the kids want. I think one kid would choose a simple justice of the peace wedding. The other would choose something more, but nothing expensive. I think my wife has her sights set on her vision of a fairytale wedding like we had.

Maybe you are dealing with this issue with the future in laws. They have a vision for a wedding and are pushing it or at least enabling it and the kid is going along for the ride. How do you tell mom and/or dad that a fancy wedding is not important, we just want to be happy? If my kids told my wife that, I think she would nod her head and continue to show them wedding dresses that cost as much as a car.

[disneysteve]

the couple is well aware of the amount of our contribution and I agree they need to budget based on THAT figure


I am sure we can count on couple to just accept what was paid and move on. They were quite uncomfortable with the conversation as well. It seems to only be an issue for the other set of parents

In that case, I think you're good. This is between you and the couple, not you and the other parents. It's not up to them (or anyone else) how much you contribute.

[Like2Plan]

Very good advice from everybody. I would resent having someone essentially act as if they had a blank check from me. It really isn't a good way to have good relations with the extended family. So, I guess what I'm saying is--what on earth are they thinking? Anytime there is any kind of a future celebration--it is possible both sides of the family will be present. And, it might make for strained relations...
I agree that the discussion should be between you and your child. I also agree that it is wise to use what you did for your other child as a guideline.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Next, the couple is well aware of the amount of our contribution and I agree they need to budget based on THAT figure not What the other set of parents is trying to push us into.

Heck, if I were part of the marrying couple, I probably would not even budget based on what the other parents say they will contribute, because that is "two in the bush," while the money you are contributing is "a bird at hand." The other parents want to wait until after the wedding to contribute, yet they also must go into debt to do so. Yikes. I would not, as the marrying couple rely on that....Although, I guess the fiance knows his parents and their level of reliability. Still, I could not ask anyone to go into debt for my wedding.

[Smallsteps]

I feel much better to know that I am not alone in feeling the assumption and or expectation I will pay up any amount a person, I just met, has decided for me is over the top and ridiculous.

The pay after the fact is some "look at me" game in my opinion I believe the idea is to present the check at wedding to look like super generous in front of guests and family. They now have decided to offer airline miles so the couple can fly somewhere for a vacation. granted the couple will be too broke for accommodations etc that add up on a trip. We have not been included in any choices or planning so I feel better about not caving to pressure to add to my contribution.
Just as my title suggested these folks seem more interested in keep raising the stakes in a keeping up with game. I feel sorry for them couple whom are going to end up over their head at this rate playing the other parents game.

[disneysteve]

They now have decided to offer airline miles so the couple can fly somewhere for a vacation. granted the couple will be too broke for accommodations etc that add up on a trip.

I'll never understand giving someone a "gift" that will cost them more money to use or incur some sort of ongoing monthly charge.

[rennigade]

I think we can all agree that weddings have gotten out of hand. The fact that you're expected to throw a party for other people when you're the guest of honor makes absolutely no sense.

We already know that wedding dresses, diamond rings, wedding cakes, etc etc are all manufactured by clever marketing. It has no meaning at all...never did...well white fabric back in the day symbolized you had money since people would wear their everyday clothes that got dirty easily. White was hard to keep clean when you're doing manual work.

Other than that...almost all of us are victims of clever marketing. I always say that seeing commercials, magazine ads, radio commercials doesnt persuade me but I was a victim of this wedding racket.

[FindingFreedom]

Wow.

My parents also gave me a set amount that they offered. They gave us the cash and told us we could spend it on a wedding or put it away. I chose wedding but now wish I'd chosen to invest it...

I wouldn't spend more than you're comfortable with. It's obviously an emotional blow that the in-laws would do that but I think you're in the right on this one.