why do we hide talking about money?

**bennkar** · 12-13-2019, 11:45 AM

I have been helping my mother with her investments for a good 6 years now. We never talked about finances (or even much of anything) before that, but that was more of a relationship issue. I have to admit she probably would not have asked previously for any help, but.... that was while her second husband was living. He was a jerk, but she would do what he wanted, so that was that. Since he died I have been able to fix any problems she had (actually she wasn't that bad off to start with which I found pleasantly surprising).

As for talking about money, not sure how you convince someone that doesn't want to hear it. Even supposedly smart people can be intentionally blind when money is discussed. Perhaps once one of your parents is gone the other will finally accept you know what you are talking about. Or not. I think my attitude with them would be "If you expect me to help / administer / whatever with your money, you need to trust my acumen with money - now. If not - well I love / accept / whatever you, but you will be on your own financially in the future - so you better accept that fact now." As my GF says about me, I can be pretty blunt.

Maybe this helps, maybe not. You can't fix others, just yourself. This is one the hardest lessons I had to learn.

**disneysteve** · 12-13-2019, 11:53 AM

Great questions that really have no good answers. Part of it is generational. Your parents' generation was raised with money being a very private thing that you just didn't discuss with anyone including your immediate family. You aren't going to change that. They are also from a far more trusting generation, which is a big reason that seniors are so often targeted and victimized by scammers. They believe and trust others without question.

My mom is 89 so I feel your pain. The best you can do is gather as much info as she's willing to share without you pushing or making her feel badly about what she's done. Try to offer support and helpful suggestions but be careful to do it in a way that doesn't make her wrong or bash that "good" person who handles her money currently. Hopefully, little by little, she'll soften up and let you get more involved.

My mom has had a large chunk of money with the same broker for decades. I was never a big fan and in recent years even less so. The problem in her case is that most of the money is in bonds, which is fine, but as they got redeemed, the broker would sit on the cash for weeks and months waiting for a new opportunity to reinvest the proceeds. Of course, the cash account paid virtually nothing so she would lose tons of interest waiting for that 3% bond. I finally got her to understand that she was better off pulling that cash out and just buying a CD. Even though the rate was lower, she'd be getting that interest for a longer period so it balanced out and this way she was in control of the funds. She still has a lot in bonds, and they're doing just fine, but as they redeem, she's pulling the money out.

As for any other family (other than our daughter), no, I'm not really close enough with anybody to be involved in their financial affairs. As for our daughter, I'm totally involved with her. I've taught her everything she knows and she appreciates and respects my input so she comes to me anytime she has a question.

Ultimately, you do just have to accept that your parents' money is theirs as long as they're alive. Once they pass and you inherit the funds, only then will it be up to you what to do with it.

**cypher1** · 12-13-2019, 01:33 PM

Unless your parents (or anyone) are actually asking for advice on finances or wanting to talk about it, I wouldn't say anything. And even if they did take your advice, and some loss comes up, they'd be probably more likely to blame you for it. Because in the end, its out of your control, and just not worth the argument.

Reminds me of a buddy at work still won't contribute to his 401K (employer match 6%) or save for retirement since he's too focused on paying off his student loans first. His priority is knocking out the debt with 2 years left before focusing on saving/investing. To each their own...

**Butterscotch** · 12-14-2019, 09:15 AM

Kind of off subject, but you mentioned it - is 100k people really considered a ‘small town’? Yikes, I must be living in the boonies with just 40k people.

**Smallsteps** · 12-14-2019, 01:30 PM

I found sharing some headway i was making was an opening to talk to my mother ( before she passed) about money. i wished she had shared more just a glimpse if she had told me maybe i could have helped before her finances went off a cliff.
She left a HUGE mess when she passed.

I am completely honest with my kids as i age they will know how to help or if I will need help.
I think it is a bit of a pride thing.
No one wants to be told that a choice they made is wrong and they also do not need someone backseat critic on finances.
i find people are more willing to share info if they are asked for input into a conversation once you get them going people tend to share more then they know they did.

**disneysteve** · 12-14-2019, 02:26 PM

Originally posted by Smallsteps View Post

No one wants to be told that a choice they made is wrong

Exactly! Nothing makes people shut down faster. I agree that sharing your own progress and successes can be a good way to get the other person thinking that maybe there is a better way than what they're doing currently. Or if you do see a clear weakness that you want to address, show them that there is something "even better" that they might want to consider. Don't approach it as a criticism of what they've done so far. Approach it as a way of making their plan even better.

**~bs** · 12-15-2019, 12:28 AM

because it's a touchy subject, and the reason for infighting among blood relatives, husband and wife, husband and husband, and wife and wife. mouth shut, mind your own business unless they're asking for advice.

**kork13** · 12-15-2019, 02:48 AM

I'm grateful that money has never been a major taboo within my family, nor with most of my friends. It's not always a common topic of discussion, but we don't shy away from it either. At the very least, we plan to be very open with discussing our family's money matters with our children. How else are they going to learn about it, much less learn how to be successful with their own finances? The important (and perhaps difficult) part will be discussing topics and issues in age appropriate ways & times.

**Thrif-t** · 12-15-2019, 01:14 PM

I guess I talk about it too much, my sister made a snarky comment about it when we were all together

.

I can't help it, I'm very passionate about the young kids just starting out contributing to their 401k or open a Roth from day 1. My nephew is only 19 but working a factory job. He lives at home and only has a car payment. I'm worried about his future and wish I could get my sister to help him start saving for his retirement. He's not the brightest tool in the shed and I'm worried he won't make a very high salary in his life. If he'd start contributing now compound interest would be his friend! But I guess I gotta keep my mouth shut. They don't understand with no pensions, and the probability of SS security payments being cut, how much they'll need to save in their working life for their retirement.

He's young she says, he has time, she wants him to have fun. He'll start one of these tomorrows, it's so frustrating.

**~bs** · 12-15-2019, 02:45 PM

Originally posted by Thrif-t View Post

I guess I talk about it too much, my sister made a snarky comment about it when we were all together

.

I can't help it, I'm very passionate about the young kids just starting out contributing to their 401k or open a Roth from day 1. My nephew is only 19 but working a factory job. He lives at home and only has a car payment. I'm worried about his future and wish I could get my sister to help him start saving for his retirement. He's not the brightest tool in the shed and I'm worried he won't make a very high salary in his life. If he'd start contributing now compound interest would be his friend! But I guess I gotta keep my mouth shut. They don't understand with no pensions, and the probability of SS security payments being cut, how much they'll need to save in their working life for their retirement.

He's young she says, he has time, she wants him to have fun. He'll start one of these tomorrows, it's so frustrating.

Honestly, i think that's the only time it's remotely "politically correct" to bring up, as an elder to someone younger. With the general message to save money and put into 401k, and that's it. But kinda hard if your sister is encouraging him to live it up. It's kinda sad, but I've found that the less educated people are, the worse they seem to be with money. So the people who have the least income and pull themselves out of a hole are the ones that probably need the most education.

**rennigade** · 12-16-2019, 02:52 AM

Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

They believe their advisor is from a "Good" family, it's a small town mentality thing.

Im from a city of 9,000 people. Yes, the "small town" mentality is nerve racking from time to time. My guess is your parents advisor is religious? Religion is part of the image to attract clients.

I had an uncle that invested money with a financial advisor. He verbatim said he trusted him because he was a good christian. Im still trying to figure out what being a "good christian" has to do with investing money? Maybe a higher power is giving him insider information?

I dont see much benefit of discussing money, especially if you have money or are good with money. The less people know about your finances, the less chance of them asking for money. Not to mention, its a touchy subject as well. Its difficult to give advice without angering the other party. People typically want to stay on the trajectory they are on, even if its a nose dive into the ground.

**bjl584** · 12-16-2019, 02:52 AM

My family is fairly silent about finances. I couldn't honestly tell you who has it together and who is a mess. People are good at hiding that. I could make a few educated guesses, but it's a subject that never comes up.

**Smallsteps** · 12-16-2019, 04:08 AM

Silence is golden..........especially for the scammers and bad actors in the advising world.
Many rely on the fact an older person or target does not have an interested party talking or able to look at the situation. I have watched many families have big issues/ fights when a death happens and many thought so and so had money, but it is just not there.
Maybe when they find someone else in family had no problem talking money and perhaps even taking advantage of someones assets.

I have spoke to this before but 2 of my kids spouses grew up in a silent money world and they had a hard time catching up and learning basic financial skills.
#1 the family was simply a mess and extremely poor and #2 although they did ok but they felt finances would scare their kids or something and kept problems and successes a secret.

While I agree that i would not share complete details of my world because, yes, some may come asking for loans etc. General discussion, IMO, is a good thing that may have someone in the conversation learn something even me. Honestly a simple statement I made at one time saved a relative a ton of money once they that implemented it.

What do you suggest they do rely on the drivel that passes as financial articles?
Those articles that chase fads / follow the crowd and tell you not to worry about it cause some large % of people does not have an EF or a good start on retirement.

I bet people discuss diets or service providers for internet or cell phone or insurance...... but money is off limits?
The problem in discussion is the "i know it all" types that lecture not talk or exhibit a superiority complex with money/ career/ education nothing shuts a person down more the condescension.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 12-17-2019, 09:44 AM

What smallsteps says is the key. I struggle because my mom sits there and is freaking out about not affording she says nursing home care. It will be $15k/month that's what a friend was paying for her mother. I tell my mom if it's really that much how do people afford it if they have no pension and nothing saved? Obviously something is not making financial sense. I point out she has a pension, she has SS, she has cash in the bank but she doesn't get that with what she has she can easily afford to live off the interest. I keep pointing that out. Something as boring as a savings account or CD. But because of her advisor they get no money because they don't know where it is going and what is happening. So she's confused literally confused

I struggle because who has a $1m portfolio and has no idea how to get money out of it, no idea what accounts are in the portfolio, what is an RMD, where the money is going. That's not even touching what it's invested in. And why it's invested the way it is. That's above and beyond paygrade. But my mom could be doing better by just investing in a savings account or cd or bond. But instead like I said confused. Hasn't a clue except their "advisor" is from a good family, comes over once a month from Raymond James and hands my mom a printout of their accounts and shows the balance.

Like i said she lost a bunch of money a few years ago. I pointed out I don't get where the money is going if they keep on contributing to a Roth IRA in CASH but the number doesn't match contributed amounts. My mom said they weren't savvy enough to see where their money went. They won't listen about investments so I don't mention it. but it makes me sick to know my mom has preached to me since 2007 when she retired "save the maximum into a Roth IRA". I did since 2006 and I have $145k. I assumed she did too but her and my dad have $30k. Something went wrong. Even sitting in cash there should be more.

When you don't understand finances even basic finances and won't talk about it. But you invest with a person and then they steal the money it's frustrating. I"m hoping that proving it was stole (which I suspect why their last advisor was fired and sanctioned) might make them decide that they can't trust people.

why do we hide talking about money?