Making Friends

[cschin4]

I have always found it be a struggle to make new friends. I really don't know why I don't have the social skills to do so. I don't ever seem to get beyond just being an acquaintance to people. And, I don't get invited to things, etc. I have tried to join groups, participate, etc. I know that I don't have a warm, engaging personality and have tried to work on that. We are involved with our children, jobs, the community and church but I really don't have any personal friends that call me to chat or invite me over other than a couple of lifelong friends who live in other areas. I have tried inviting people to do things with me, etc but it just doesn't seem to happen. I have a spouse and 3 children and am busy with them. But, I am feeling more and more distant and removed all the time after trying so long to get beyond the "hi, how are you" stage. This is somewhat embarrassing for me as I have done well in other areas of my life but would like to have some BFF's to hang out with. And, as I get older it seems people already have all the friends they need anyway. And, lately I have found that I am just not up for the struggle so I really have been isolating myself more and more and just not going to the things I used too. Any advice?

[jIM_Ohio]

First I have 2-3 good friends which I can more or less confide everything with- I can talk about money, sex, politics or life in general and it won't break the friendship.

Those 3 friends are
my wife
a friend from HS which lives 500 miles away
a friend around the corner which I probably see 1X per week, he helps me fix up my house (like install ceiling fans) and I help him solve the problems of the world over a few beers when we have time.

The most important thing to being friends is to be yourself. If you have to try too hard, its not a friend worth having.

The second (and almost as important) thing is to realize who is around you based on convenience, who makes an effort, and for those that make the effort, how much of that effort is real vs they "want something".

For example, many of my family members (brothers, sisters and parents) barely put in an effort, and for my two brothers, it appears if they put in an effort, they expect something in return. My sister does not expect anything in return, and my parents don't either- makes the relationship with my sister and parents so much better. But its tough talking politics or money with them, so while they are family, its not like I confide in them about various issues.

Another example is kids. People come and go because of kids. Might be the parents in the neighborhood, might be the soccer coach, might be the parents of a classmate. Tough part is two fold- you don't really know how well your kids get along with the other kids whose parents are along for the ride, and second part, even if kids are BEST friends, is that does not mean you need to be best friends with the parents. Best to be yourself and as things transpire (good or bad) use it to teach your kids how friendships really work.

I am cool with having only 3 good friends. Not sure I have time for more, considering one of them lives about 500 miles away- I see him maybe 1X per year on a good year.

Don't think quantity, think quality, and think BE YOURSELF.

[snshijuptr]

I have always struggled to find friends. Mostly, I just get uncomfortable calling people up just to chat. My husband and I also struggled to find "couple friends" when we moved back to his alma mater.

Last night we had a dinner party and invited a couple whom I had never met before. The woman had known my husband in college and had contacted him through facebook a few days back. It turns out that she got divorced and is in a new relationship. She wanted to find new friends so she looked up old friends on facebook and contacted people in a similar life situation. People who were married or in serious relationships and might want more friends.

I realized that I liked her approach. Especially as a young adult, the major life changes you make can change the friendships you seek. Reconnecting with old friends who are at a similar stage can be great. Other things I have heard of is seeing if friends who are out of town know people in your area. One woman in my PhD program moved here from New England and she became good friends with old friends of people she knew.

My final commentary is that not having a BFF isn't a horrible thing. You may find that your spouse is your best friend, and I think that's perfectly fine. I'm an old friend, fun friend, or dinner friend, but I'm not really a chat-on-the-phone-about-our-day friend. I get the little of that I need from my husband. Friendships just need to fulfill your social needs. Don't feel guilty that your friendships don't fit some Hollywood definition of friendship. We all have different needs.

[cschin4]

Thanks for the kind words. But, I don't even own a cell phone because there really is no one that i need to talk to other than my kids and hubby. And, the kids have cells and we pass them around but we only use a few minutes per month usually just to let us know their whereabouts.
But, when I drive the kids to school in the morning I see lots of ladies talking on their cell phones at 8 am and I wonder who in the world are they talking too?

[cschin4]

I have also learned to tone down my personality a bit. I am a bit too serious and I really like to discuss serious type subjects in depth, etc. And, I have also found that I cannot make a play for friendship in the first meeting. Because that probably seemed too desperate or coming on too strong. So, if I meet someone I think i might click with, I just hope to see them at a game, downtown, etc and have a few more idle chats. I have found that trying to remember details of their lives (kids' names, etc) was helpful. Maybe before I didn't come across as interested or caring. And, I figure that I should keep the initial interactions as fun and upbeat as possible even though i am not the sunnyside up type (I wish I was but I am not though i really enjoy the bubbly, happy types).

[GREENBACK]

I can't say I have any "BFF" type friends...lol. I belong to a few charitable orgs. and have friends that way. I don't have any friends I totally feel comfortable teling anything to. I think a friend like that is similar to finding the right mate. It's developed over a long period of good and bad times.

[MonkeyMama]

Don't feel guilty that your friendships don't fit some Hollywood definition of friendship. We all have different needs.

Agreed. That, and friendship is a LOT of work!

My dh and I have discussed this quite a bit. When you go to school or work with peers many hours a day, it is much easier to make those friendship bonds that we are used to from our past. In our current stage of life, that friendship comes from our family. We see each other more than anyone else.

I am honest with myself that though I miss having that child BFF around every day, I don't have the time or commitment to cultivate that kind of friendship at the moment. Let's face it, my spouse and kids fill that role, anyway.

Our own personal conundrum is the whole couple friends thing. Ugh, I am so not into couple friends! Dh and I have always been pretty independent. When all our friends were single and childless, this was simple. (& still stands with our closest childhood friends - they are still single and all that). I think even worse is that with young kids, couple friends are just not very practical. I have a pretty good friend who is rather annoyed I will never get a babysitter so just adults can hang out. Sorry, spending a fortune on babysitting is reserved for date night with my hubby! As is, we are stuck with couple playdates most the time. Dh and I appease each other but I think we prefer other social outlets - we see each other all the time! Time alone together is rare and different. Time with kids and other people around is every day. Eh...

But, to be clear, I am open to time out with the girls, any time, and my friends know that. I just feel like everyone else wants to arrange couple time, instead. So we just aren't meshing. Maybe I just need a break from all the testosterone in my house...

[disneysteve]

I can totally relate. My wife and I have no friends. Seriously. We are extremely active at our synagogue and are very friendly with many people there, but we virtually never do anything with anyone outside of that building. Others in the congregation go out socially on a pretty regular basis, but we are never involved. I'd say over the past 5 years, we have probably done something socially with others perhaps 4 or 5 times.

We used to have some long-time friends who we would get together with periodically, but we've all grown apart both in interests and in distance. I have 2 best friends since elementary school. One lives in California (I'm in NJ) and the other is in PA about an hour away. We used to socialize with the PA couple but once we all started having kids and jobs and houses and various commitments, the time just wasn't there to trek an hour each way to spend a few hours together.

Another couple who we've been friends with since high school now has 3 kids with all the activities that come along with that. I think one or both of them are on the board of their kids' school and synagogue. Who has any time for friends? I'm the VP of our synagogue and have meetings 4-6 times/month. We attend religious services almost every Friday. I work 2 nights/week. Who has time for friends?

It seems like a nice idea to have people who we could call to go out to dinner or a fair or some other event but it just doesn't happen.

[cschin4]

I guess I have always been a bit envious of people with lots of friends and family. They have big get togethers, holidays, etc. And, it seems people are "doing something" every weekend with other friends,couples, etc. Actually, I would love to have some "couples" friends. And, there is a couple or two we have gone to their home, played board games, had a campfire, etc. But, they have many other friends so we haven't been over in awhile.
And, I don't throw parties because I really wouldn't know who to invite other than a couple of people. My kids seem to have lots of friends and we have tons of kids over and I really enjoy that.
But, it is kind of nice to see that we are not alone. I have always wondered what was wrong with us. But, maybe people are just so busy nowadays. My DH is a coach and coaches all of our kids sports so he knows a lot of people and seems to get along well with everyone.

[disneysteve]

I think another factor is that lots of people feel as you do, cschin4 (and we do the same). They wonder why they aren't going out with friends more often, but everybody sits at home wondering and nobody picks up the phone to plan something. The few times my wife and I have gone out with other couples, we initiated the plan and made the arrangements, and we all had a great time. Somebody needs to take the lead. If you are upset that you aren't going out, do something about it. Call another couple and plan to meet for dinner, or have them over for dinner. Call a friend and get together for coffee or to go to a movie together or take a walk in the park. Don't sit around waiting for someone to call and invite you.

[snshijuptr]

In addition, we must keep in mind 2 things 1) most people's social lives involve spending money, and 2) you notice when other people socialize and not when they don't. Think about this: if you know 5 people and each of those people goes out once every two weeks, you're probably going to think that your friends go out every other night while you yourself only go out once every 2 weeks.

My phone tracks the top people I contact and the top 3 are my husband, my mother, and someone who I used to call once every 2 weeks to setup a meeting. Also somehow I am on my top contacted list!

[cschin4]

I think another factor is that lots of people feel as you do, cschin4 (and we do the same). They wonder why they aren't going out with friends more often, but everybody sits at home wondering and nobody picks up the phone to plan something. The few times my wife and I have gone out with other couples, we initiated the plan and made the arrangements, and we all had a great time. Somebody needs to take the lead. If you are upset that you aren't going out, do something about it. Call another couple and plan to meet for dinner, or have them over for dinner. Call a friend and get together for coffee or to go to a movie together or take a walk in the park. Don't sit around waiting for someone to call and invite you.

Yes. Good points. I have tried in the past and am a bit on the introverted side so it does seem pretty awkward. And, I guess I really feel that since I don't know most of these folks that well or that a closer friendship hasn't evolved, that maybe they really are not that fond of me, don't like me well enough, etc so I guess I fear the rejection as well.

[cschin4]

And, I have also tried being friendly at work and have tried to be involved in giving to collections. It seems every other week someone is taking up a collection for somebody. You know, Sue's Aunt Edna twice removed had a bunion removed so they want to send flowers. And, I have contributed to these things for years, gone to funerals of people at work who lost relatives and so forth. But, when I was in the hospital and critically ill, not a card or visit. And, lately, my MIL died and it wasn't acknowledged by anyone in anyway though my DH received cards and support from his coworkers. So, I guess I am bit taken aback.

[cschin4]

Another point, when I go to my kids' events, I used to make a point to at least say "hello" to other parents, but one day I thought I would sit there and see if anyone even bothered to acknowledge me whom I have said 'hello' before and they just walk on by. It is pretty frustrating. I think I will just stick with my dog!

[BillysSavingsClub]

Find other groups of link-minded people.. my Dad has essentially had no friends then he found a Bike-riding club - it's natural for that kind of group to be people that ride solo, so it was perfect. Look for similar things with social drinking events and the like and you'll find it rather easy to make friends!