Going home to visit.

**disneysteve** · 08-12-2009, 09:03 AM

I think you'd have to be insane to stay with your parents. Get a hotel room nearby. You'll have comfort, space, cleanliness and privacy. From all you've posted it is clear that your parents need serious help. I hope they are able to get it some day. If your mom is upset by you not staying there, just maybe it will help her realize that something is seriously wrong. The fact that she wants her pregnant daughter to sleep on the floor is inexcusable.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 08-12-2009, 09:17 AM

My husband and I actually slept in a tent in my Mom's backyard because her house was so toxic! She is a heavy smoker and my husband has asthma. She would go outside to smoke while we were there, thinking he could spend more time indoors if she did that, but the house was so saturated, it always gave my husband asthma. We knew it felt bad to my Mom to do this, but at that point, if we were going to visit, that was all we could work out. We could barely afford the gas to get there, much less a hotel. In later years, we got a motel....At my in-laws house we stayed with them there for years on our visits. But the need for a mental break for both them and us meant that as soon as we were able to afford hotels on our visits, that is what we did. In-laws were a little hurt, I think, but they surely needed their "space" as well.

My Mom had a problem she could not control --smoking-- and your Mom has a problem she cannot control --packratting. I hope you can find the clarity of thought to realize that you are right, that it is not healthy to subject your back to those stresses, especially now that you are pregnant and that it is important enough that it overshadows your Mom's feelings about your insulting her or being too good for her.

How about a little bad sleep surface in pregnancy story? When I was pregnant we had been sleeping on a futon for several months. It was not the kind of futon you usually see that is actually plump and soft. Ours was thin and stuffed only with cotton, with actually makes a very firm surface, not much different than sleeping on the floor. My tail bone ached for months sleeping on it---and then I got pregnant. It really did not even occur to me to try and get a better mattress. Our income was so low (and I was used to it that way) that I was blinded even to the possibility. I was just used to making do. So I kept sleeping on it. That, plus the way some of the connective tissues kind of soften in pregnancy meant I was always in pain to stand and walk, especially right after getting out of bed. When my baby was born, I could not safely get up during the night and pick him up because of my back! My husband had to get the baby any time the baby needed to nurse. That meant that always, both of us were having our sleep disturbed. (And DH did not have the luxury to nap when baby was napping during the day time, as I did.)

Please take care of your back: Get the hotel room and even stay out of your Mom's house as much as possible if it is a health threat. Visit outside with your Mom in the day if that is better. That is what we had to do. I know it is sad and embarrassing for both of you and may stir some anger. We just have to do the best we can. And now, you have to do the best you can for your baby, too.

**GREENBACK** · 08-12-2009, 09:22 AM

That's a very good sized house unless you meant 500 instead of 5000.If it's 5000, I assume it has multiple rooms. What kind of stuff is she hanging on to that visitors must sleep on the floor?

I wouldn't sleep on the floor and would directly addreess this. I say that without knowing your personal relationship with your parents. If you think it will cause a big issue, then just go to the hotel.

Of course, it's hard for older people to change a mindset built over years but somethings wrong here. If, as you said, they have 5000 sq. feet and you have to sleep on the floor there is a serious need to de-clutter here.

My parents are the complete opposite of this. You can't so much as leave an empty drinking glass on a table without my mom jumping all over it. It feels like boot camp even at my age.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 08-12-2009, 09:43 AM

She's very excited about the baby. But realize DS she grew up VERY poor. 1 bd for a family of 6! So to her, as long as you can lie down, it's doable. My aunts and uncles are the same. I feel bad because I'm extremely spoiled by having so much more than my mom did growing up.

Joan, OMG. I'm thinking of buying an air mattress for my mom so we can sleep on it.

When I broached it, she said who else comes to visit? I think my siblings don't come because the house is a dump. They invite my parents all the time (I can't help but wonder as I age if this is why?)

Joan, I think camping might be fun. I'll suggest it to my DH. We can get an air mattress and tent.

Greenback it's 5000 sq ft. It got I think 6 bedrooms 3 full baths. I don't know, just stuff. I don't know exactly how to explain it.

My parents are great, they are like Joan's mom. They mean well, but sometimes it's hard to see why your home isn't inviting to people.

**creditcardfree** · 08-12-2009, 10:12 AM

If you are fine with all three options, then let her pick: air mattress in your old room, tent and air mattress in the back yard, or a hotel. The air mattress would be a definite improvement. It's okay to say the change is because of pregnancy...well, because it is.

It is okay to stand up for what you want. It doesn't change your feelings of love for your parents!

**disneysteve** · 08-12-2009, 10:26 AM

Originally posted by creditcardfree View Post

It is okay to stand up for what you want.

Absolutely. Doing anything else would be enabling her illness. Make it clear that you love her, you want to come visit but you refuse to live in those conditions, even just for a few days.

**MonkeyMama** · 08-12-2009, 11:59 AM

Oh boy - I am not too proud to sleep on the floor - just too OLD! That's all I can think. My body is used to a bed. I can't imagine sleeping on the floor while pregnant.

We usually stay with my in-laws because we visit at least once a month. We don't stay with my parents because they don't want us to. MIL would be offended if we didn't, etc.

But the thing is, we do what works best for everyone. IF all we had was my parents there we'd certainly visit a lot less, do more day trips, and be paying for some more hotel stays.

If we were staying more than 2-3 nights ANYWHERE we'd get a hotel. We like our space.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 08-12-2009, 12:54 PM

I'm so frustrated. I just got into an argument with my mom offering to buy a mattress or air mattress.

She called me SPOILED! That I'm too good to sleep on the floor. That I'm making her life miserable by asking her to clean up.

I told her I would even drive stuff to the dump while there. And I would help her hold a garage sale that she said she would do. BUT noooo!

I'm spoiled because I won't sleep on the floor or a broken bed.

When I mentioned visiting next year with the baby, her answer was "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

I suggested cleaning one room to put my grandmother's old double bed, which already is in terrible condition in or me buying a new bed. Her answer? NOOOO.

I'm so frustrated. No wonder people don't visit, and she doesn't get why????

**GREENBACK** · 08-12-2009, 01:37 PM

Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

She called me SPOILED! That I'm too good to sleep on the floor. That I'm making her life miserable by asking her to clean up.

I told her I would even drive stuff to the dump while there. And I would help her hold a garage sale that she said she would do. BUT noooo!

I'm spoiled because I won't sleep on the floor or a broken bed.

I certainly don't think you sound spoiled. You're a pregnant woman who is going to visit your parents who want you to sleep on the floor. They have a 5000 sq. ft. home and no room for a decent bed for their pregnant daughter.

Am I the only one who thinks this is a little out of the ordinary? I don't mean to insult with those comments but I would go out of the way to have comfortable sleeping conditions for my pregnant daughter.

Growing up poor isn't a very good reason to behave like this. I don't know if your mom is open to change but it seems like change is needed.

**disneysteve** · 08-12-2009, 01:59 PM

LAL, please don't take offense at this but you can't have a reasonable debate with a mentally ill person. As an outside observer (and a physician), I think it sounds like your mother has a legitimate medical problem that isn't being treated (by her own choice). As much as it may upset her, you need to live your life and let her live hers. You giving in and sleeping on the floor or a broken mattress with the springs popping out doesn't benefit anyone, least of all you.

I'm sorry your mother grew up poor. That probably has a lot to do with her hoarding problem and is something a psychologist would love to delve into with her. In the meantime, you need to put your foot down.

Mom, I'm not poor now. I'm also pregnant. I'm not sleeping on the floor. I'm not sleeping on some busted mattress or sofabed. I'm staying in a hotel. And once the baby is here, I'm not bringing him/her into your house until it is cleaned up. If you want to see your grandchild, you either need to get professional help or come visit us at our home.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap.

**zakity** · 08-12-2009, 03:04 PM

LAL, please don't take offense at this but you can't have a reasonable debate with a mentally ill person. As an outside observer (and a physician), I think it sounds like your mother has a legitimate medical problem that isn't being treated (by her own choice). As much as it may upset her, you need to live your life and let her live hers. You giving in and sleeping on the floor or a broken mattress with the springs popping out doesn't benefit anyone, least of all you.

I'm sorry your mother grew up poor. That probably has a lot to do with her hoarding problem and is something a psychologist would love to delve into with her. In the meantime, you need to put your foot down.

Mom, I'm not poor now. I'm also pregnant. I'm not sleeping on the floor. I'm not sleeping on some busted mattress or sofabed. I'm staying in a hotel. And once the baby is here, I'm not bringing him/her into your house until it is cleaned up. If you want to see your grandchild, you either need to get professional help or come visit us at our home.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap.

What he said...

Stay at the hotel. Being that far along and trying to get up and down off the floor. Yeah, you are only 16 weeks, but... Oh my... Your back will ache.

And, if she wants to push the issue, tell her it is at the advice of a doctor (DisneySteve is a doctor).

**sandrark** · 08-12-2009, 08:51 PM

Will *she* sleep on the broken bed or floor, and give you her bed?

If not, book a hotel.

Sandi

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 08-13-2009, 07:52 AM

You'll laugh but my dad is a doctor. Sigh.

My parents bed is not exactly great. They both are hoarders. It's a very strange thing.

My mom actually felt bad and said she'd go buy a bed, but then she was like where do I put it?

So she started feeling bad, and maybe will clean up to put a new bed. That seems like a huge move. I sort of want the house to burn down.

I already told her we're likely not to bring the baby, and she said GREAT. She likes to visit me and my siblings. She's more than happy to go on vacation with us as well. My Dad does too.

Last year we went to Las Vegas with my in-laws because their home was a mess. No working shower/toilet because they were fighting.

Honestly it was nicer than you would think going on vacation instead of visiting home.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 08-13-2009, 08:35 AM

The further confessions of where I slept when visiting the family:

We made our first trip to my in-laws when baby was 2 months old. On the way there, we camped. When we got there, in-laws had bought a second hand crib and a new very good mattress for it. In-laws insisted on giving up their bed to us, while they went to sleep on the livingroom sofa bed. Their mattress was ancient, and yet another killer for my back. Springs were poking; it was lop-sided so that gravity would not let one rest flat. The overall C-shaped mattress floated on some of those 1920's open springs which jostled and jiggled and made noises. I wanted back the comfort of the cold ground and a sleeping bag! You know what I did? I took the mattress out of the crib, put it on the floor and slept on that!

(Yeah, I am kinda little.) It was the best mattress I had slept on in years. I don't remember if my DH continued sleeping on his parents' total wreck of a mattress, of if he moved to the floor...But we did enjoy ourselves laughing about our situation, with his parents so graciously giving us their bedroom with its extra, privacy, attached bathroom, and "comfy" bed. But again, at least his parents were trying to make everyone comfortable.

Looking back, it is totally funny to us.

I hope you can get through this, LAL, and at least have some "laugh instead of cry" bittersweet memories with your husband of how you coped together. How you and DH stick together in the situation can be a redeeming part, even if all else goes very badly.

Going home to visit.