dealing with family

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Seriously how often do you see your family/in-laws and is there a line between too little and too much? My MIL wants to visit in February and we JUST saw her Christmas for 10 days. I have had my fill for awhile! Arrgh.

We saw my in-laws over Christmas and trust me ENOUGH already. I thought having my own hotel room would help, it didn't. I could not lie down without them knocking on our door. I literally tried to run away and hide by gambling in mysteries areas of the casino. I felt suffocated. I know I'm sounding like a terrible person but they really can difficult people to deal with.

And the trip was made worse by my BIL who angered my MIL and made us all miserable. My DH and FIL tried to hide as she got angry and boy did it show. I really tried, but DH and I had ONE HUGE FIGHT in front of his parents as I couldn't take it and told him I'd like a little bit of privacy when the DENSE jerk wouldn't take my hints than I wanted some time too myself.

She "retired" on friday, and has now said she wants to come and "visit" ie stay a long time in February. She'd like to live with us in the future and I've said no to her, but she brings it up still! I have directly said no to her face. I cannot take this. I will soon not be married I'm guessing if that happens, and I'm going back on birth control.

And yes in premarital counseling my DH talk to the counselor and me about all these space issues. And yes this is probably why it took us 3 years to get married after getting engaged because we were working on family issues. I will kill him if he mentioned we were trying for kids and this is why she's visiting.

She made mention of living with us over Christmas and I politely said no. But well my MIL tends to ignore what I say, even in front of my DH.

And this is the woman who showed up 3k miles on our doorstep in San Diego from CA when I and my DH told her NOT to visit, it was a bad time. We locked the door and made her a hotel reservation. She made our life hell that trip. She did it twice more and both times we got her a hotel.

Thus if I say no to February I'm worried of a repeat scenario of getting a hotel room and the scene is sometimes not pretty. It might even be worse because we're married and the other times previously we were just living together.

Anyway I neede to vent and you lots of your old married folk will help me gain some perspective, I hope.

[PrincessPerky]

I think the perfect amount of family is a grass is greener situation...I would love to see my family (both sides) more.

While I have no solution for you I can say that hinting seems to be worthless, in general folk don't take hints. So tell your husband directly what you want when family is not around, and formulate a 'safe word' or use the old fashioned 'headache'. If folk still knock on your door after you have said you have a headache, they are rather rude and you should direct them to Mrs manners.

I need a great deal of alone time, and I have 4 kids in the way. So I can relate to wanting time alone. as to how to get it, honesty. Tell em they have to go when you need time alone.

I apologize that my need for alone time is not always convenient, but I am not going to change, I need to be alone, and they can deal with it, or not.

I (who am not you) would say yes to the trip, with hotel, and plan a night or two with her, and a night or two where she is on her own (give her ideas -she sounds bored) and let life happen. Just do it honestly, tell her you need alone time, tell her you need 'couple time' and tell your husband what you are interested and what you are not interested in doing.

But then my MIL never stays with me, my house has no TV for her

[simpleyme]

OMG I think I will go give my non meddling mother in law a big kiss

[snafu]

LAL, I am so sorry you have a v/difficult problem. I loved my mom dearly, she has now passed on, but she visited regularly and stayed several months drowning DH in love and spoiling two grandsons until all 3 were nasty species.

I can tell you from experience that being subtle only adds to the problem. You feel used and hurt, the message flies right over her head and she won't/doesn't understand why you feel as you do when she is 'only trying to help,' only visiting because she loves you all so much' etc.

I had 3 brothers and two DSILs all supporting me to try to keep mother home. She was a born 'Dolly Do Good' and volunteered in several worthwhile organizations but it was not enough. One SIL was successful with mother using the strategy of 'wear her out.' For example if mother suggested a menu for dinner, SIL said 'oh! great idea, I don't know how/don't have time/don't like that item [etc[, I hope you will do it
and then left mother on her own to carry out her plan. If mother wanted to take DGC to the circus or event, she would hand mother the phone and leave her to get tickets, make travel arrangements, take DKs, buy treats and cope with sugar-hyped derranged kiddos.

If you can do the laissez-fare with MIL it might work for you. My 2nd suggestion would be go hang out at her home during her visit. Can you send her and DH off on a trip? I wish you luck.

[jIM_Ohio]

I see my MIL at least once a week. She treats me better than my mother does, and I realize not everyone is as lucky.

If your DH enables his mother, then this will continue- your DH needs to set the boundaries and respect what you want.

I have many issues dealing with my immediate family. I went about 7 years without speaking to my parents except at weddings and parties with extended families... and I have not had a social relationship with either of my brothers for around 8-9 years. Apparently you punch someone in the head once and people realize you will not tolerate stupidity.

Feel free to be bold to set your boundaries and force others to respect them. DH needs your back or it will not work.

Once my mother saw the boundaries I set, she respects them. If she doesn't like them, I don't hear it. It should be noted my mother changed her tune the minute my kids were born (meaning the 7 year period ended last spring).

Be bold in setting your boundaries. I wouldn't have put them up in the hotel (for example)- just put them on the street. BE BOLD. When the kids come you have the upper hand.

Large crowds for me also helped. The weekend my parents stayed with us once I also had my 3 yo neice stay the night (so I had a good distraction). Another time when my parents came to visit my sister and cousin also stayed, so my parents could not stay at my house.

Now my mother gets the message and she stays at our house without issue. Just took 7 years for her to learn. Having her only grandkids sure helped.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

PP I need a safe word big time. I am very direct in saying DO NOT COME. SHE ignored our hint and we shut the door in her face and made a hotel reservation for her and FIL. I gotta wonder how more direct you can be than saying "We're already having guests, we have no space for you, don't come."

Then coming.

Snafu, I'm looking at going to my home!

Jim, I don't want kids with my DH to be honest if i have to deal with his mom. My DH's been a good guy, his mom is nuts and i'm not kidding.

She hates her own family, her in-laws, basically everyone. And sometimes the best times of our lives are when she hates my DH. Then she stops talking to us.

[simpleyme]

PP
And sometimes the best times of our lives are when she hates my DH. Then she stops talking to us.

aha what can you do to make her hate him again?

[Helena_Handbasket]

As an introvert, this thread is making my blood pressure rise.

Important question: Is your DH completely in agreement with you on restricting MIL visits and never allowing her to live with you?

......If so, then most of the problem is solved. Your DH (not you) will have to be very firm with his mother in telling her over and over again "I'm sorry, but that will not be possible" whenever she tries to crash through your boundaries. Lather, rinse, repeat as often as necessary. Then set a schedule for visits of a nature and duration that you and DH can live with, and have DH tell (not ask) MIL when you will see her next. Finally, don't reward her passive-aggressive tactics - no more free hotel stays if she shows up at your doorstep, etc. If she gets mad, cries, gives the silent treatment, whatever, that's her problem not yours.

......If not, then you don't have as much of a MIL problem as you have a DH problem. Some third-party help would be in order here, especially if this issue is compromising your plan to have children.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted.

[SacredFaerie]

I'd sit your DH down and make sure he's standing as firm as you are when you're not around. Also, no more hints. She's not getting it.


What does your FIL say about your MIL wanting to live with you?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Do things she disapproves. I am nice because I worry one day my mom will flip out and be a horrid woman. Then if she does I want my DH to be as understanding and nice as I am. Good karma.

My DH likes to avoid talking to his mom. He prefers not to talk to her. He'll just not answer the phone, etc. Sigh. Avoidance is his method of choice.

If he does have to talk to her he'll just tell her no and then she'll get mad and not talk to us.

[SacredFaerie]

Do things she disapproves. I am nice because I worry one day my mom will flip out and be a horrid woman. Then if she does I want my DH to be as understanding and nice as I am. Good karma.

My DH likes to avoid talking to his mom. He prefers not to talk to her. He'll just not answer the phone, etc. Sigh. Avoidance is his method of choice.

If he does have to talk to her he'll just tell her no and then she'll get mad and not talk to us.

Well that's not gonna work. Tell to pull on his big boy pants and man up.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

UPDATE! Eeek! Yes! WITHOUT a single word out of my mouth my DH told his mom that it would not be a great time to visit for 1 month! GET THAT! She said I want to come for 4 weekends and he said no.

YES! I don't have to be the bad guy. SO she's pissed and reconsidering, but I don't care! I am happy!

[SacredFaerie]

UPDATE! Eeek! Yes! WITHOUT a single word out of my mouth my DH told his mom that it would not be a great time to visit for 1 month! GET THAT! She said I want to come for 4 weekends and he said no.

YES! I don't have to be the bad guy. SO she's pissed and reconsidering, but I don't care! I am happy!

Yay LAL's DH for stepping up to the plate!

[Cylenchar]

LAL, I understand completely. I love my father dearly. HOWEVER: he does not recognize boundaries or when to stop. he likes to find your buttons and then push them, all at once, until you blow up. Luckily my DW can keep him in line. But I deliberatly went to school 8 hours away (as far as I could get and still get in state tuition) and moved 1,500 miles away, in part to limit the contact because I can see us reaching a point where I stop talking to him.