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    #31
    Originally posted by FinanceVideoGuru View Post
    The best way to determine if she truly wants to fix the debt (and the relationship), is to have her use that car money of 10,000 to pay down some credit cards and use a bike instead. If she commits to proactive solutions, then perhaps you can help her pay down her smallest debt. 8 years is a long time, if you can save this at least try. but only if she is willing to be part of the solution. Good Luck.
    Best advice yet!

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      #32
      Wow! $30,000 is A LOT of debt, especially since there is nothing to show for it. She needs to get a grip and stop spending. I have a friend who was a huge spender too - she had a great slaary, so she spent on just shopping - clothes, jewlery, shoes, ect... She finally realized she was deep in the hole and she actually started saving! Instead of spending all of her extra money on "things" she started paying off her debt - and I think she's brought it down a lot!
      YOu need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend... She needs financial counseling! If she can't see somehting is wrong then there's something wrong with her! I know you love her, so help her!

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        #33
        I know this is probably not what you want to do, but since she's been hiding the degree of her debt for 8 years, it gets me to wondering what else she's been hiding. Either dump her or stop paying her bills and let her figure it out by herself. Either way, something has to give, and you need to stop giving. Because she needs to see the mistakes she's making.

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          #34
          I agree with cjscully. No one here can give you an answer to this. But since she has come clean with you there is a definite possibility you will be able to work it out together, but she may need some help from you to stay on track. Good luck to you both.

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            #35
            Some people have a spending or shopping addiction, and it can drive them into debt. Some people seem to genuinely not be able to control how they spend.

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              #36
              Is she perhaps bi-polar?? That is one sign--debt with nothing to show for it. They can't rationalize their spending and it goes for little things very quickly (as opposed to large purposes). I just attended a class on this. A very high percentage of persons who are bi polar are in debt. Can't treat the debt until after the bi polar issue is addressed. May check that angle out.

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                #37
                Straight up, she needs to speak with a credit counseling, and possibly a psychiatrist. It sounds like she may have some serious bi-polar tendencies where the shopping just get's out of control.

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                  #38
                  Well, if you get married expect the same kind of behavior from your spouse as was happening when you were dating. Large expenditures could be on the horizon.

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                    #39
                    Don't pay her bills but talk to her

                    I separated from my wife of only 2 years about 1 year ago. Debt was definitely a part of the problem. In my case, I had most of the debt (from before we met), but in reality, she had no spending self control. So when I was attempting to go on a budget and get out of debt, she just felt we made good money and so should spend to enjoy life. She went far enough to straight out blame my attempt to pay off the debt as the cause of us being short on money all the time, not the debt itself but trying to pay it off.

                    First, given my experience, I would recommend avoiding one of my mistakes, don't pay her debts or her bills. Make sure she is aware of her bills obligations and that she makes them top priority. If she cannot pay her rent and other bills and her own debt payments, maybe she'll realize she has a problem. Be willing to walk out on her (and make sure she is made aware) of it) but be sure to talk to her first, perhaps she will change and be able to change.

                    In my case, she did not have any real self control or any ability to realize debt doesn't disappear just because its been 6 months since it was charged. Thus she always accused me of overspending and being out of control because "obviously" we would not have the debt anymore unless I had secretly bought something new.

                    Good luck

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                      #40
                      I agree that having that much debt is a problem - but, consider this...it's been 8 years and that breaks down to just over 300 a month - now that's still quite a bit, but if she goes out for lunch twice a week (15 X 8), gets a manicure twice a month (20 X 2), gets a pedicure once a month (40), gets a coffee daily (4x25) and goes for drinks once a week (10 X 4), that's over the 313 she's spent! Now I know it's a lot of money, but what I just described above would be "nothing" to some women...perhaps she feels the need to keep up with those women.

                      First step would be to talk to her, ask to see old records to help her figure out where you BOTH are going...will you get together and pay the debt? will you separate finances? will she help plan what to do?

                      Second, a car usually is a "must" in peoples heads...so she probably sees that as separate and thus not an issue. It's up to you to help her understand TOTAL debt, not CC debt, SL debt, Car debt, etc...the big picture makes it easier to understand.

                      Third, 8 years is a long relationship and you need to decide if you want to help her work through this or leave, no one here can tell you what is best for YOU. Whatever you decide, don't get sucked down until you feel bad and you are in trouble yourself, that's a form of abuse and you shouldn't take the abuse.

                      Best of luck to you!

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                        #41
                        I would be shell shocked too! You thought you were helping her instead she took advantage of the situation to overspend. It almost sounds like an addiction to overspending. It is unlikely you will change her, but I would talk about with her. For no other reason to understand why she did it.

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                          #42
                          one poster said that its nothing for a woman to spend that if she has a couple of manicures or pedicures a month. I have always done my own nails. I have only twice paid for a manicure and i wasnt in debt. These are not food and roof essentials.

                          I've also only bought second hand cars accordning to what i could afford. How did she manage till now.

                          debt doesnt bother irresponsible people and they will just keep making it over and over again. I was married to a guy who always had con artist plausible stories of why he had another 30 000 debt
                          he hid some of them.
                          i remember the day i found out about one and i said to him
                          you said you dont have debt but here is a 30 000 debt.

                          he said
                          oh thats not debt thats called overdraft.
                          he kept me in hell for many years. i was too loving too giving a slow learning. I should have run in the first week of marriage when i discovered an entires year of income equivalent worth of debt.

                          he bought a few new cars over the years at times when we were most under financial stress. he didnt feel the stress only i did. he got a free ride for many years. he was a con artist. even con artists have good things about them. dont wait decades to work out all their patterns, dont lose your health like i did.


                          this is a huge warning sign

                          an honest person could never hide so much debt from someone they are close to.

                          a responsible person could never spend 10 000 on a car when they have so much debt

                          if i even had 500 in debt it stressed me out.

                          medication can change the brain and help people not be manically spending.

                          You are very loving but finances are very real and can effect so much.

                          people who have issues, any issue hoarders, making debts have to get out of it themselves. people do spend to fill other pains or voids and get an initial high.

                          i personally had financial stress for years but i was supporting a bunch of children some with extra medical needs for many years. Even 500 of debt stressed me alot and i did everything to not be in debt and keep on top of things.

                          i was loving in a marriage to someone who didnt care about making huge debts. I was responsible and worked harder and harder , he didnt care , he always had plausible stories why he made debts. he actually was a huge con artist and narcicist and psychopath. He didnt care of the toll it took on all of us. He dragged us down for decades while i was stupidly loving and fell for his stories. I was left financially, emotionally and physically so depleted. finances causes such stress for everything. Drs say that i must have been depleted totally within a year or 2 and that once someone is that depleted for so long their energy never is replenished. Its been years now and nothing i do seems to make me physically strong. I am always tired, i dont have as much energy as others. I'd be a rich woman if i didnt let him drag us down for many years.

                          we think we have to give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning of relationships or in relationships, but dr phil says not to! this is a high risk situation.

                          we do want 2 equal people capable of contributing or at least not dragging us down

                          maybe counselling, antidepressants, or some other healing would help her.

                          my daughter lives off her husband but she never made debts and she is caring for their baby otherwise she would still work.she is very frugal and always has been.

                          some debts are made legitimately and sometimes suddenly things fall together re work and emotions and they are overcome suddenly in a year or so . but it doesnt sound like hers are legitimate and she hasnt been truthful.

                          one of my sons has a pattern of taking on girls who will use and abuse him financially. he is now trying to get rid of the third one. She has debts. She became pregnant to him. He tried to do the right thing and support her.But he cant support her, the baby himself and her debt. she is 35 years old and has 35000 debt. She tries to say that 10 000 she got helping her dad when he went overseas and got sick. But she worked since and why isnt she out of debt. She also is still paying payments for a car that she doesnt even own as she didnt pay insurance and it was in a crash and couldnt be repaired. she manipulated him into letting her stay, but he needs her to go . He cant support 3 people and her debt. The warning sign is also the debt doesnt even bother her, while he is very stressed about it which is the same thing that i experienced with my husband that debt didnt bother him and he kept making it over and over again the more i paid off the more he took and more debt he made.

                          i've seen people have debt and then suddenly turn it all around when timing, job, emotions all keyed up one yr but not everyone does and most dont change.

                          I just know in our family we have seen too much to enter such a situation. I"m single. I meet men who after decades of working have lost their job or had a heart attack or hip replacement. I cant take on a risky situaiton, not after what i know. It can take years to work out someones patterns and how manipulative irresponsible a person is. Even a very bad person has good traits so its confusing to know without decades of history sometimes how good or bad a person really is. i personally cant enter such high risk situaitons.

                          its not cruel
                          love doesnt conquer all.

                          sometimes we feel we wouldnt get someone better and we do

                          at other times we stick by somene and they over come something
                          and others times they dont and we should ahve cut our losses

                          i have a friend who is stingy but its a very good thing as it means that none of us drag each other down. if i pay for something even small or if he does we repay each other unless its stated that its a gift. I didnt drag him down while raising my kids on my own, he didnt drag me down when he lost his job.

                          yours is a hard situaton but you have huge warning signs.

                          i had a friend who made a date and when that date came if the husband didnt have a job and wasnt out of debt she would divorce him and she did. it seemed really harsh to me but she was the smart one. I loved too much, i gave too much and i lost everything even my health and my kids health because of the stress it caused. Money is very important. both able to contribute and not drag both down is very important.

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                            #43
                            Make her understand that if she continues to be in debt problems will arise. Make her understand the consequences of someone who has debt problems and maybe she'll come around...

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