A friend who needs help

[veronak]

I admit for the longest time I wasted a ton of money & still do, but not so much as before. I am aware that I have a problem and join this site along with others to correct the problem. But I have a friend who makes the craziest mistakes she is driving me crazy. I would like to help her out but I am not sure I can trust her at this point to repay her debt. A few years ago she received a nice little check (settlement from her divorce) and need I say she blew through that money. I even told her about this site and I have yet to see a post from her. How can I tell her in so many ways that she can not manange money the way she thinks she can and that this cycle of hers needs to end. She actually paying a company to work from home when her bills are past due. The cable is still on which I think at this point she should do with out. She complains about not having any food I am afraid that if I send her the money she will use it not for food but something else, something stupid. Any suggestions?

[boefixepa]

Re: A friend who needs help

Hard place to be. I often feel the same way about my family and I have learned a few things. Wether these apply to your friend or not you have to decided, but I'll tell you about my family.

1. I do NOT loan them any money....it took me about 7K to finally accept the fact that I am never going to see that money again. And since my two choices are...deal with it or loose a family member for life....I just deal with it....but they know that calling me and asking for money will not fly. If their kids are starving or their house going to be reposed. I'll take custody of their kids, but I'm not sending them a plug nickle. Sad, yes....hard nosed...yes...but if I don't do it all I will be is another source of income and they will continualy NEED the money as long as I am there to dish it out.

2. I've found it is near impossible to convince them to change their ways and habits. I've tried everything I can think of. I've bought them books, given them web address, and talked until I am blue in the face. Until THEY decided THEY need to change and THEY truly want to change....there is nothing I can do. You can't MAKE anyone do anything even if you know they need to. It's hard to watch, but until they come to that realization...and it make take bankrupcy to do it...and maybe even then it won't 'click' ... all you can do is....

3. Love them from a distance. I've litterly had to distance myself from my family. It's very hard, but I just couldn't carry them and all of their problems and it was killing to watch it that close. I still talk to them and send cards and visit upon occasion, but I'm not as close to them as I would like to be. It really hurt sometimes, because often time I think they assume to be stuck up, or stingy, or something like that. But I've learned I can't keep my own house in order if I'm there like a free bank just dishing out money. It's been a few years now and they've realized my 'bank' is closed and we are starting to rebuild relationships, but I still feel bad when I see them getting all these things and know that they will never repay me for all the money I dished out to them when I really didn't have it. I just had the credit no one would give them....gee I wonder why.

So there you go...I hope your situation is better than mine, but that's my viewpoint on the matter.

[veronak]

Re: A friend who needs help

Thanks a bunch, I just needed to vent and believe everything you said is correct. I am mentally and physically drained only because I know she makes "stupid choices". I mean we all do but at her age I think it comes a point when you say enough is enough.

[Haku]

Re: A friend who needs help

Allow me to second the verdict to not send money.

All you'll do is to perpetuate that fantasy world they live in where money magically appears whenever they close their eyes and tap their ruby slippers together three times. (I'm sorry, do I seem bitter? Is my personal experience showing through? )

Sometimes, the best kind of love is tough love.

[Ima saver]

Re: A friend who needs help

Veronak, I agree with the above. I tried helping my daugher for years, paid her rent, her lights, her phone, I have bought her about 7 cars, even a new house, . She would not work, let people move in with her, etc. I supported her and her 2 girls for about 7 years, then she left and left the girls behind.
She has begged for money and I paid and paid and paid. I would say to the tune of about $50,000. She was always going to get a job and pay me back. I never got one dime back and she has never had a job. Now I give her no money and she does not speak to me.

[Snoopy2645]

Re: A friend who needs help

Sometimes it takes cutting people off to finally get them out of your life if thats what it takes then you are better off without!! I know dh's sister was the same way lived off people would come over here all the time looking for money & so on well I would never give it to her to say the least havent seen her in 5yrs my kids dont know her but thats ok she dont know her own kids either. Every once in awhile a debt collecter will call her looking for her I explain to them shes my SIL & havent seen her in 5yrs dont think they believe me but its true.

[Haku]

Re: A friend who needs help

Wow, Ima. That is insane!

Better yet, I'm available for adoption! I'm house-broken even. Won't ask for much either; just some food, water, and a mutual fund match or two.

I have to admit that my parents are sort of like that too, in that they try to give us a good fiancial start in life by paying for lots of things. Although I haven't always been fiscally good about it, but I have picked up their sense of frugality and need for investing for the future. In fact, my mom knows what my current financial situation is and where I'm headed investment-wise. Hard to believe, but she's even starting to listen to my advices once in a blue moon! (You have to understand. She's so bearish I think she would make even Kiyosaki blush.) But yes, we get along very well.

[veronak]

Re: A friend who needs help

You know she never comes out and ask for money she just hints around, and the poor kid
I feel really bad for him...you guys are right I have to find a way to cut her off

[eisor]

Re: A friend who needs help

I'm not completely cut off. I live at home without paying rent. My dad is matching my car savings. But, other than that, I pay for the rest. Which, for 19, I think is pretty good. My parents aren't paying for my school expenses, clothes, car insurance/maintainence, food (unless I eat at home, which is actually rare), etc. I mean, my dad sometimes will want to help out a little, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. However, I know someone who is 24 still in college, changed is major 4 or 5 times (is actually FINALLY graduating this december). But, his parents pay for EVERYTHING. They pay his rent, his car payment, clothes, fun money, his golfing, school expenses, etc. He doesn't think anything of it. I personally wouldn't feel very accomplished if I was in that position.

[Fern]

Re: A friend who needs help

I agree with everyone else, stand your ground and don't lend her money!

While it's clear you feel for her and want to help, really the only thing you can do is listen and offer advice when asked. The fact is, she alone is responsible for the mess she's in, and you can't save the world, or even a friend or two, without putting your own finances in jeopardy

[Ima saver]

Re: A friend who needs help

When she got her first divorce, I felt so sorry for the 2 little girls, so I bought her a brand new house. It was tiny, 2 bedrooms and 1 bath! But it was new and clean.A few months latter, she met some kid (19) and moved him in. They got married in 2 weeks. He totaled out her car the first week. He had no job and no car, just thought I was going to pay all the bills. When I said he had to go, they took off to Conn. leaving the house behind.

I cleaned it up and sold it. She has totally messed up her life and at the age of 36, she is not trying to get it straightened out.She has been married several times and has had 5 kids at the tax payers expense. (She has given 3 of them away)

I don't feel like I am missing anything not having her around.

[PRICEPLUS]

Re: A friend who needs help

Ima, sometimes tough love is the best thing for kids. You do your best raising them but no matter how well you do sometimes the kids go awry.

Veroniak, I think Shakespeare wrote the following: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be for oft times the friend and the loan are lost anborrowing dulls the edge of husbandry." No the quote is not 100% accurate but you get the drift!

[Haku]

Re: A friend who needs help

Good lord, Ima, that sounds like something my ex would do.

Why do women do that? I just don't get it.

[Bluezy]

Re: A friend who needs help

Good lord, Ima, that sounds like something my ex would do.

Why do women do that? I just don't get it.

My friend:

Only certain women do that, just as certain men with the same lack of character. I don't understand it either.

[JoyJoy]

Re: A friend who needs help

Most of us were raised with family values to help our family and our friends when they needed it. We are really enablers helping them when they need to take care of their own affairs. We do have to step back and say "NO MORE!!!"

I was watching Joyce Meyer (female evangelist) today and she was talking about this very same issue. http://www.joycemeyer.org The program today was dynamite! I have to agree with Joyce Meyer that sometimes we help out to gain others approval so we won't be thought of as uncaring. (You can see listen/watch today's TV program 5/18/06 on the website).

Sometimes you have to walk away from a bad situation with family and friends for your own sanity. Pray for them and know that God is in control.