How do you guys cope with your significant other during XMas holidays...

[Captain Save]

It's been 2 years now that I've tried this strict no gift // or minimizing or gifts for Xmas .. but it never works with my partner because even though she wants to commit to it.. She feels awful that people are gifting our daughter and she feels that she needs to gift back.

Once she starts gifting one person it's a problem.. and I don't want to keep being the pest about money. or the "grinch" ... lol

More importantly , do you guys announce to family and friends that you 're not gifting. It's easy for me to refrain from gifting and I will never understand her side of things.

[~bs]

everyone is different, she may be one of those that likes getting into the "holiday spirit". it is your wife and something you need to work out. Probably need to set a budget or limit on the gifting as a compromise.

[alliecat79]

The best rule we have in my family is only the children receive gifts. It makes the obligation non-existent and kids, you can get them small, inexpensive things for them to enjoy (plus we don't have too many). It's a win.

[Like2Plan]

We go the other way. DH and I both love giving gifts and Christmas in general, but neither one of us like to go into debt over it. So we save all year long for the gift giving and splurges we enjoy doing during the Christmas season.

We are also looking for ways to save money for the Christmas season. One of the money saving things we used to do was to buy Christmas China at 50-75% off right after Christmas (we don't buy it anymore because we have enough place settings for a very large dinner party ). Every year I haul the Christmas china (of mostly different patterns) out just after Thanksgiving for the Christmas season. I'd wager that it's not to everyone's taste, but we still enjoy using it.

I guess the bottom line is do what brings you and your wife joy for the season.

[disneysteve]

Not a problem here. We don't give gifts to anyone generally. We will buy my mother something if we can think of something to get her. If we are seeing DW's family, which we haven't the past 2 years thankfully, we will get or make something to give each of them, but never anything big or expensive.

We didn't give my mother anything this year but then we were there a few days ago and she mentioned that her hand mixer was dying so when we got home, we ordered a new one for her. We're happy to have something to give her that she actually wants and needs.

[klarose]

That is something you need to work out as a couple and not just decide for her.

My husband and I both LOVE giving gifts. Not giving gifts sounds really sad to me, honestly. I grew up in a family who did not really celebrate holidays or give gifts. My husband's family is the opposite, very traditional and all holidays are a big deal. He is slowly swaying me to the dark side. You don't have to spend a lot of money to give something heartfelt and show that you care.

[TexasHusker]

We love Christmas and it is great fun to go and buy for others. We ask our kids for a Christmas list and we try to accommodate what is on that list within reason. My wife and I have a very strict gift-giving policy for one another: Gift giving is required and they must be gifts that the receiver would NEVER buy for him/herself. This Christmas, I bought my wife a lamp made in France, a lemon bouquet made in Italy, a mallard teapot made in Italy, and a hand-painted rabbit jar made in Italy. Every year, I also buy her a fairly lavish decoration for the house. This year was no different - I bough her a McKenzie Childs Courtly Resting Deer, which sat gracefully next to our tree for the season, and will be an heirloom. After doing this for many years, our house is filled with amazing decorations for the holidays and it is simply beautiful.

There are two reasons we do this sort of gift-giving: 1) A marriage must not grow stale. We gave gives in courtship and early marriage, and we need to keep doing it. When my granddad married us, he said "Never cease courting one another". 2) It sends a very poor message to our children, and on several levels, if they are the only ones who receive gifts, and mom and dad don't buy for each other.

[disneysteve]

TH, I have absolutely no issue at all with you and your wife giving each other gifts but your post comes across as saying couples who do it differently are wrong somehow.

My wife and I mutually agreed to stop giving each other gifts years ago. When one of us wants something, we buy it. And I wouldn't want her to give me a gift that I wouldn't buy for myself. If I haven't bought it, there's a reason for that.

The other big issue is that our finances are 100% joint and I'm the sole wage earner, so it's kind of silly for her to "buy" me a gift when the money is coming out of our joint account (from my salary).

We've been very happily married for over 26 years. There are plenty of ways to keep a relationship from getting "stale" that don't involve buying each other gifts. As for setting a bad example for our daughter, nothing could be farther from the truth. She's seeing that you don't have to give gifts to express your feelings for each other. We have all that we need and when there's something else either of us really wants, we get it. If it's a big item, we discuss it and get it if we are in agreement that it's something we want to spend our money on.

None of this is to say that we never get each other stuff. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was away without her for a few days visiting family. I returned home on her birthday and brought a little something that I got for her in Key West. I don't normally give her a birthday present - more typically we'll go out for a nice meal together, which we did after I was home - but I saw something that I knew she'd appreciate so I got it.

Getting back to the OP, you and your spouse need to sit down and discuss this so that you're both on the same page going forward. Giving gifts is fine; not giving gifts is fine. But you both need to agree which way you're doing it.

[TexasHusker]

TH, I have absolutely no issue at all with you and your wife giving each other gifts but your post comes across as saying couples who do it differently are wrong somehow..

I have no issues with how other people do their Xmases, but I do hear all of the time "let's just buy for the kids" and I personally believe that is the wrong message. Saving money is good. Saving your marriage is even better.

My mother, a millionaire, operates like a miser. She looks at Xmas as some sort of needs-based deal. "Well you guys don't need anything." And when she does give gifts, you know darn well it took every ounce of courage she had to buy that for you off of the clearance rack at TJ Maxx. My kids make fun of her because she's so cheap, and crotchety, and I feel sorry for her because of it. But she's definitely Scrooge and there's no turning back on that. She asked me a few Xmases ago, "What should I get the kids?" I said "well, why don't you blow their socks off one Xmas, go out and buy your grandson a nice new shotgun, and your granddaughter a Kate Spade purse?" She couldn't/wouldn't do it. Hey, she did save a buck. I hope she enjoyed it, because her grand kids resent the heck out of her.

She has more money than Quaker has oats, and she's an absolutely miserably, miserly recluse. I don't ever want to be that way, or perceived that way. There is more to life than rubbing a couple of nickels together.

[disneysteve]

Saving money is good. Saving your marriage is even better.

If you have plenty of money and are not giving giving gifts because you're super cheap, that may be a problem - unless you both agree with that, in which case it's fine.

But that's not why we don't exchange gifts. It isn't about the money. As I said, when either of us wants something, we buy it. There is nothing that I would want my wife to go out and buy me. We'd rather celebrate a birthday or anniversary or holiday by doing something together - going out to dinner, seeing a show, going out of town for a couple of days, etc. And those are all things that we would plan together. One of us wouldn't surprise the other with show tickets or a get away.

[creditcardfree]

There's a great book by Gary Chapman titled The Five Love Languages. One of the languages is receiving gifts. The other four are acts of service, physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation.

To the OP, I think maybe next year you might try coming up with a plan for gifts to give those your wife wants to reciprocate with. Otherwise you are both going to be very unhappy. Knowing how much and who you will be buying for will likely make it a little easier than saying no, only to have hundreds of dollars spent that you didn't plan. Make a budget, or shop clearance deals year round to find reasonable gifts to give. There is also the rule of one where you buy one gift for nearly everyone such as neighbors, coworkers and close friends. If your wife has three of four girlfriends she wants to exchange with, have her give them all the same throw blanket, scarf, or necklace. She can even announce they are all getting the same gift because she found a deal or to save her time. Gifts to neighbors can be food items that you make or buy. Some people buy premade and repackage to dress up the gift.

I've never officially announced to the whole we aren't giving gifts. But once we moved away from family and weren't attending gatherings, it was easy to tell my sister and sister in laws, please don't worry about mailing gifts to us or specifically our kids, spend the money and time on your own family. No one balked at all. Prior to moving, my husband's large family (adults) started doing a white elephant type of exchange...although the gifts were new, but they had to be something anyone (male or female) could use. So we were only bringing two gifts, rather than a dozen. There was a dollar limit of $50 (which I did think was excessive). Throw blankets, new towels, liquor, bread (with cutting board and new knives), an electric toothbrush, are a few that I can think of that had been given.

Try to find a balance that you can both live with.

[msomnipotent]

She shouldn't do it just because she feels she has to. There are a lot of people that gift just because they like to and don't expect a gift in return, especially when it comes to kids. I'm one of them. I would rather not have a gift if I knew the other person was only giving it because they felt obligated, and I really don't need any more stuff. The only people I buy a gift for is an aunt and uncle because they seem to really enjoy exchanging gifts with my daughter. The rest are either in the grab bag or they don't get anything.

If you want to tell everyone that you don't want to exchange gifts, now would be a good time to do it. Most people are in sticker shock over their credit card bills so they would probably readily agree. It is also nice to do it before people buy the gifts. And yes, you really should announce that you are not reciprocating next year so people don't think you are miffed at them for some unknown reason. You might be surprised to find out that other people feel the same way.

[TexasHusker]

It's interesting to hear the different perspectives on this. I worry that we have sanitized our lives so much that we don't need much of anything from anyone, including our mates. Anything we want, we provide for ourselves. Gone is the magic of spontaneous gift-giving. It has been traded for financial prudence so that "I can save my money and you can save yours." I don't think that is a good or healthy thing, personally. While I give some gifts out of a need situation, that is really more welfare - a grant to help someone out. I view most gifts as something unexpected. I want the person to be surprised and enjoy their gift. There is not expectation of something in return - that would ruin the whole deal.

[Gailete]

>>There's a great book by Gary Chapman titled The Five Love Languages. One of the languages is receiving gifts. The other four are acts of service, physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation.<<

I was reading that a few months ago and sound advice. Our first Christmas right before we got married, I was overwhelmed between him and my MIL to be I got everything on my list. I wasn't used to that at all! For the next couple of years, he would get me things. But for the last few Christmases, he hasn't gotten me or made me a gift. He says since most of the money I earned, he doesn't feel right to take it and then spend it on me. But he has made me many nice presents and doesn't do that anymore. I always give him presents. This year we set aside Christmas for a few years until my son and DIL are more in sync with the baby and we don't want them driving in the snow. So none of us got presents yet. I think perhaps, even more than the money is some of the things that he has made for me, such as jewelry has been to his tastes, not mine. Most days in the winter especially I rarely get dressed during the day so it would look a bit silly to wear a fancy necklace with a bathrobe. So it discourages him from making me something although he has made me some great things in the past.

In my years of life, I have noticed that things tend to go the way the most forceful partner in a relationship want them to go, like no gifts or no going out to eat, or even though you are already saving a huge percentage of your income, they decide that to save more the other one will be giving up something.

[scfr]

It's been 2 years now that I've tried this strict no gift // or minimizing or gifts for Xmas .. but it never works with my partner because even though she wants to commit to it.. She feels awful that people are gifting our daughter and she feels that she needs to gift back.

Once she starts gifting one person it's a problem.. and I don't want to keep being the pest about money. or the "grinch" ... lol

More importantly , do you guys announce to family and friends that you 're not gifting. It's easy for me to refrain from gifting and I will never understand her side of things.

What if you asked her to propose a system for the 2 of you? Since it sounds like gifting is more important for her than it is for you, maybe this is an area where she could take the lead and lay down the "rules"?
Really, the 2 of you need to come up with a system that will work for BOTH of you. You might not love her system, but as long as it's something you can agree with, it's fine.

What my husband & I eventually decided to do, after many years of rounds of gift-giving on both sides of the family, was to let him deal with "his" side and me deal with "mine."

On my side of the family, gift-giving for the most part had turned in to a round of gift card exchanges. My sisters & I discussed and agreed not to exchange gifts with each other (that was the awesome gift we gave each other), although once in a blue moon we'll give each other something if we find something that we think is perfect for the other person. One of my sisters does a huge amount of charity work, and sometimes I'll contribute something she needs for those efforts. Children in the family (only 1 sister has children) continue to receive gifts, and my brother continues to exchange gifts with all of us. Mom gives us gifts, and tells us that she doesn't need anything. I buy things for Mom, but it's usually in the form of providing a larger need that I tell her is a gift for multiple occasions. Occasionally I drop a happy surprise gift on someone, usually in the form of a special event (an outing, tickets, etc).

My husband brings gifts to his family when he visits (they live overseas), not tied to specific occasions. On the rare occasions I visit his family, I bring gifts to them because I know they will be giving to me.

I'm the more generous gift-giver between the 2 of us, although still probably on the frugal side compared to the average American. DH knows it. He may not be thrilled with it, but he accepts it. Anything I plan to give beyond the "normal" gifts, I discuss with him first; a couple times it has turned in to a pretty serious discussion with compromising involved on both sides.

DH & I do not give physical gifts to each other except on very rare occasions. DH will pick up something for me on his travels if I ask for it, and I know that involves some time and effort on his part, which is a gift - usually it's for something that can be purchased more cheaply overseas than it can be here in the USA.
I saw an interview with Oprah once where she said that she couldn't remember her long-time boyfriend Stedman ever buying flowers for her, but she said something like (I don't remember the exact words) "he lays a rose on my heart every day." I loved that.
Right now DH & I are planning to make a long-distance move so that we can go live near my family members who need assistance. What greater gift could my DH possibly give? THAT is love.