Courtesy advice for divorced fathers.

[KTP]

We sit down every month and do a net worth calculation. I have it in a spreadsheet so my wife can see all of the accounts and cars, house, etc. Having financial secrets would be step one to a bad marriage.

We don't sweat the little stuff, but we talk about any big purchase, like a boat, car, vacation etc. Seeing the net worth together lets each of us know where we are headed.

[Gailete]

We don't sweat the little stuff

I like seeing how the 'small stuff' adds up. As part of my net worth numbers, I include credit card reward points, adsense money that I have earned but don't have enough for a pay out, etc. For the last couple of years, I have gotten at least one $100+ check from adsense which then goes into my Roth IRA now. So I consider those things money in the bank and fun to monitor as well.

[KTP]

Not what I meant. I mean we don't argue over sub $100 expenses or require that we justify them to each other. Tracking the net worth together each month seems to make us both aware of the benefits of saving without the arguments over purchases.

[Scanner]

KTP,

I like your value system. . .track the big picture and celebrate that on a quarterly or monthly basis. I remember once (and we didn't honestly fight that much about spending. . .we weren't both big spenders) my ex-wife criticized that I got a 20 piece wings from this place when I was doing Atkins 1x/week. . .$12.00 at the time.

But our net worth did increase every month (despite our marital problems, it's a shame. . .we managed to amass some wealth) so I dont think it's worth fighting over those little things.

Yeah, if you are both cheap-o's (and this is a saving forum so it would attract this). . .you can parse over this stuff but I think you have it figured right - track the big picture. Calling your partner into explain why they got this $12.00 lunch isn't good IMHO. In contrast, calling your partner in as to why he/she got a $12.00 lunch everyday would be appropriate to just see if it's soemthing that can be eliminated.

I guess the only thing may be is one partner is doing 95% of the earning and the other partner is doing 95% of the spending. . .yeah, there may be a problem there and it may be fair to call the other partner onto the carpet for it, even if net worth is increasing.

[Gailete]

Not what I meant. I mean we don't argue over sub $100 expenses

LOL! I've never been in a marriage that other than groceries I've ever had the freedom to spend $100 without a discussion as the money just hasn't been there! Currently, we do know we have the freedom to buy what is necessary for business, but for personal spending we can go up to around $25 occasionally without discussing it. That is simply due to our current finances. We are both pretty frugal and he never begrudges me going out for lunch if I have the need as he is a hermit and would be perfectly happy never leaving the house but I get cabin fever especially in the winter when the ground is dangerous for me to walk on. I think one winter I didn't get out of the house for over 3 weeks. I was starting to be a blithering idiot. So I go out to lunch and people watch When it is just me, I'm a cheap date especially now that I can order off the senior menu and get senior drinks.

[KTP]

LOL! I've never been in a marriage that other than groceries I've ever had the freedom to spend $100 without a discussion as the money just hasn't been there! Currently, we do know we have the freedom to buy what is necessary for business, but for personal spending we can go up to around $25 occasionally without discussing it. That is simply due to our current finances. We are both pretty frugal and he never begrudges me going out for lunch if I have the need as he is a hermit and would be perfectly happy never leaving the house but I get cabin fever especially in the winter when the ground is dangerous for me to walk on. I think one winter I didn't get out of the house for over 3 weeks. I was starting to be a blithering idiot. So I go out to lunch and people watch When it is just me, I'm a cheap date especially now that I can order off the senior menu and get senior drinks.

Yeah well, we are pretty frugal too but income has increased to the point where $100 just doesn't mean as much as it used to. Lucky there I guess. My wife makes all the money anyway, but leaves the finances mostly up to me (investments, retirement planning, etc.).

Even though we are a bit lax right now with tracking those type of expenses, it will become more important when we ER, as our yearly income will drop by 80%. At that point we will probably be discussing $5 purchases

[Gailete]

Hubby has changed his work focus in the last two years which has meant more household income for us. The stress of trying to find the money to pay the bills each week is pretty much gone. Although we will always have to be dumping as much as possible into retirement accounts to make up for lost time, we are finally getting to the point of being able to spend money on things most people do routinely (things like clothes & shoes). We had a really rough time for the first couple years when we got married. I had been making $35K a year and got sick 3 weeks after we got married and was on short term disability for six months and then no income for the next 2-3 until SSD kicked in for me (much less than I had earned). In many respects those first few years resembled very much a younger couples financial problems for those first few years. Now as we near our 12th anniversary we are leveling out. Other than our monthly cc charges that we pay off monthly we have no ongoing debt other than a mortgage and a car payment which makes things much easier than when for a while we had to make payments to several different cards. But I can really see why young couples with financial woes break up and then find out that it truly is cheaper for two than one to live unless one is a Mr. Bigbucks (what my son called my second husband that got us into $42K credit card debt along with car payments and house payments, etc.) those kind are never satisfied with what they have).

I feel so much for kids when I see then wanting to get married and from my view of having gone through problems myself, I know it isn't going to work out and they just won't listen to advice. I always tell the girl/lady it is never too late to back out. Don't ever be afraid of backing out of the marriage, even at the last minute as the temporary misery is nothing like the misery you will go through for years if you do marry someone that isn't right. My oldest son when he got married, we told him we didn't approve but if he did marry her, we would support them to the best of our ability. It lasted barely two years. He eventually met and married a wonderful young lady that we love to pieces, who works with him and stands by his side and instead of sitting on her fanny all day while he works multiple jobs and then expects him to cook dinner (like the other one did), makes sure he eats right, keeps a beautiful, creative home, and in all ways supports him as he works two businesses. It is a beautiful thing to see.

I think it is great to see a couple joined together in a common purpose, working towards the same goals and supporting each other in the process instead of always trying to go their opposite ways. I think that is the basic problem with marriages and why the many divorces. Lack of vision and mutual goals between the two.

[jIM_Ohio]

A bit off the original topic, but do you think for some marriages it is the kids that cause the divorce, or rather the parents end up spending more time with the kids than each other and grow apart? Or some parents have kids to try and "save" the marriage.

Not blaming the kids mind you, but I have several friends who are divorced and they all have kids. None of my friends who are married without kids are divorced. We have been married almost 22 years and spend all of our time together (no kids).

Perhaps it is just random noise though...too small a sample set to figure out if there is any pattern.

We do get blamed now and then for being "selfish" for not having kids. This ticks my wife off to no end...if you want to really push her buttons, try that topic.

I will second this... I for one know things I did while wife was pregnant led to her not trusting me enough to discuss other issues, most people which know the facts think she made some errors in judgement in this regard. I will summarize that when a marriage involves kids it is a team effort. Selfish people make bad team players, and I believe that single attribute causes my marriage to fall apart.