Huge change in plans....What would you do?

**MonkeyMama** · 12-07-2012, 05:54 AM

Originally posted by fosho View Post

Well a few months ago I posted an came up with a plan to erase my debt with your help. Everything was going well and then all of a sudden the last 3 months have been a total nightmare. About 3 months ago we found out my wife was pregnant which is a blessing. However about 3 weeks ago I woke up to her having a seizure. Long story short she had a biopsy and she has been diagnosed with brain cancer. There is currently no cure and the physician said her life expectancy is about 8+- years. Of course this is not a definite and miracles happen everyday, but should this change my plan?

I was throwing about 1600 additional cash on her school loans to pay them off, but now I'm not sure this is the best idea as if she does pass (i hope shes here for a long time) these will be forgiven anyways. Also I want to enjoy things with her as much as possible, so I want to take her on vacations etc while I still can.

Wow, I am very sorry to hear about this. How old are you and your wife? Your age would somewhat bias my opinion.

I don't think I would personally count on loan forgiveness (passing the buck) but I do agree on backing off the large payments and focusing on the minimums for now.

Don't make any rash decisions. Take some time to think about it before you sell your condo or buying an expensive vacation. Like grieving, things may seem clearer in time, and you seem to have the luxury of some time? (My advice might be different if she were given only a few months to live - then your only choice is to be rash).

My spouse has a brain tumor, and we went through a period of time where we were not sure how serious it was. For us, the stereotypes did not apply (Cashing in our money for a vacation!). Why? Because we have always put first what is truly important to us. Meaning in your every day living means more than the stereotypes - but of course there may be some places you want to see/things you want to do. I think I just say this to say don't think that a few vacations will make her life complete. I do have the feeling from this day forward you will live your life very different - you will have a new respect for how precious every day is. It may mean more that she actually likes her job, where she lives, likes getting up every day, and that you start a family if you want one and do not have one - stuff like that. (My spouse's #1 regret hands down would have been if we had started our family later AND I have a friend going through this - they were told to freeze embryos or conceive before one particular brain surgery, if they ever thought they wanted more children - I was rather surprised they went for it since they had one small child and were stressed to the max dealing with this - but having children often become important in these situations).

Good Luck on this rough journey.

P.S. Oops - I forgot you said your wife was pregnant. She will probably want to spend as much time as possible with that child. Which again maybe means holding off rash decisions until baby is born and you have a better idea how you want to live your lives with a child.

**fosho** · 12-07-2012, 06:15 AM

Thanks for the response. My wife is 26 and I am 24. We have been together for 9 years and married for 1 (the surgery was 2 days before our 1 year anniversary). More than likely it will be at least a year before we even tried to put the house on the market if we decided on that. But maybe your right and I should just take a step back and save the extra money for now and wait a while before making any decisions.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 12-07-2012, 06:50 AM

Is this something your wife is wanting, or is it your idea?

I probably would cut back her school loan repayment to the minimum required, but I doubt I would plan any trips. Does she want to travel now while pregnant and newly coping with this diagnosis? Does she know what impairments to expect, for example more seisures?

I would think that your wife might want to have a solid grip on her cancer condition before she makes big travel plans. She might like the security of staying close to doctors and institutions that know her. Or, perhaps if she needs medical help out of town your expenses would be bigger. I know that is the case for our insurance. They don't cover hospitals and doctors in distant places as they do in our service area or whatever they call it.

After the baby is born travel might not be quite the experience you imagine. We did travel with a newborn, then toddler, then young child. For me, especially when I was nursing and traveling it was exhausting, and I was not able to get as much out of the trips as the parent who could sleep more. So what if we are at the bottom of a short trail in Glacier National Park? Time to nurse, so let me sit on this rock with the baby. And, you've got the diapers and wipes, right?. (I would not have traveled and left my child at home, but many do enjoy that.)

Plus, I'm thinking about expenses you will have if you lose your wife. Child care while you are working is a given. Perhaps extra child care when your wife is having more symptoms. It would be good if you knew you had money to apy for that, so pumping up the savings as you can now might be helpful.

If you do travel, save something for these other expenses. You probably have already noticed how having your wife in hospital or clinic visits incurs extra costs you wouldn't normally have.

So, yes, step back and save your money. Wait and see.

Largely, though, I agree with Monkey Momma. The real personal affirmation and richness in life is in your family and everyday way of living. Trying to inflate the perception of its significance with grand travel in response to a diagnosis may be an unhelpful gesture. Wait and see.

**fosho** · 12-07-2012, 07:21 AM

A little bit of both as to who wants it. We are not going to take any trips before the birth or her radiation treatment is performed, but I would like to take at least one nice (3-4k) vacation a year. So the earliest this would happen would be sometime in 2014 and we wouldn't plan on bringing the child. She may decide she doesn't want to do that, but I would like to have the option financially to do that if she does. I kind of feel bad honestly. We did not have our honeymoon because i wanted to pay down her debt as quickly as possible. I always told her, we can enjoy the vacations after we are a little more stable.

Part of the reason I thought about getting rid of the condo was in the case that I did lose her or she wanted to stop working, I would have the additional money to incur the expenses that i would solely have to pick up. She currently brings in about $1400 a month after taxes and retirement so the additional money we currently have would be substantially cut.

At this point I'm just throwing ideas out there to kind of get a feeler as to what others who aren't emotionally attached feel what they would do. I'm not going to make any large decisions before the end of next year

.

**EEinNJ** · 12-07-2012, 12:15 PM

Sorry about your wife and the difficult situation you're in. My first wife had cancer, so I know how hard it can be to cope. Planning and trying to control finances when things seem so indeterminate & uncertain is a normal response.

I suggest trying to keep a stable life financially & otherwise. Especially, health & life insurance. Selling a house & moving is stressful- let your wife concentrate on being a mom and her own health.

Huge change in plans....What would you do?