Need advice, Mother in law, wow

[Ima saver]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

I thought that you did live on the farm with your parents, or am I missing something. I could never live with my mother or in laws either, so I don't blame you there.
Good, I hope they do come and take the car away. It is going to ruin you mil credit, but that can't be helped.
I know how you feel, my MIL would never come to our house for dinner. When we moved 600 miles away, they would come see us, but her son had to come to the motor home and eat meals with them, they would not eat in my house. Since her son does all of our cooking and cleaning, I don't know why not. Maybe cause I had a poodle (who do not shed, by the way)

[frugalfarmwife]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Oh dear no, don't live with parents, hubby and I have been together for 15 years, I'd been on my own since 18, I pulled him out of his parents house when I was 28 and he was 23 and we've been on our own all along, bought a farm together, both worked the farm and outside the home.

Three years ago we bought a larger farm and moved, I did have seed money to start out thanks to my grandfather but not that much, we've put a lot of blood and sweat into the current farm and did add 36 more acres a year ago, yes I owe my mother some money on this land but it's a loan with interest and signed papers, the way we do loans in my family
She will be paid off within the year.

kj

[Ima saver]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Sorry, I got you mixed up with someone else on here, who said that they lived in a big house with their parents, but each had there own space.
What will happen if your MIL cannot make the payments on her condo anymore. where will she go, what will she do?
Btw, I met my husband when he was 25 and I was 32. It works!

[flash]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Wow. Stress.

I have been through nothing as intense as that, but I do understand the basics. My mother and brother have that kind of relationship. (I've journaled about it here, and you're right, it helped to vent). My brother does the wildest make money quick schemes, gets into trouble, and my DM bails him out. I grew up DIRT poor, but somehow DB, as the son in the family, was always priviledged. DM took her FILs inheritence, used it to send DB to a private college, paid for his car, paid all his bills. He worked one DAY at a fast food store in college and quit. Too hard. His marriage, 4 kids and failed, SIL HATES DM, as well she should. DM keeps giving and giving and giving.

Both DS and I have talked with her about it, and she always says she knows she needs to let him learn...he's 55, and DF is dying, and she is still sending all her money to DB. DM is living on SSI at 80 and sends that to him, then comes to me to cover her scripts, or refuses to take them.

I have NO advice, except cling to DH and let the waves roll. Be prepared to care for MIL in the future, but not the rest of the family. And vent all you want.

[Ima saver]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Yes, she is right, we are hear to listen. I was glad to get it all out about my daughter cause it has hurt me for the past 17 years!! Just be glad you have you dh, I am. I don't have any blood relatives left, so I have just my hubby and doggies.

[flash]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Ima, you have us, too, for what it's worth. Priceless?

[frugalfarmwife]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Aww Ima I agree with flash, ya have the board members here, the ones that understand our lifestyles

I have family also, mom and three brothers but really no contact with older brothers, we have nothing in common, so it's mom, younger brother hubby and I here. My mom respects our space and our decisions. Younger brother will be my responsibility to oversee when moms gone, he works and is pretty independent but does need a bit of overseeing to keep the laundry done and bills paid He's handicapable!

And hubby is flustered, amazed, furious that brother has turned this into an attack and saddened. He's going to talk to the other brother and see what he knows so far and go from there, but he will NOT have his wife or his life attacked this way.

Love that man! Best hubby in the world!

And Flash so sorry to hear the situation with your mom and brother, so sad all we want is the best for them but we're just "the kids" so what do we know? It gets so tiring beating our heads on the wall.


kj

[markitcat]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Please, walk away from this situation. Whatever you do or say is going to be twisted so you come up looking like the troublemaker. She reeling you in, you gotta get off the hook.
This mil is controlling everyone with money. You didn't take that bait so now she's trying to control you and your husband with her money problems. Setting it up so your scrapping with the other siblings. This woman is manipulating the situation. Disengage, go back, run away. Danger, danger, warning, warning. She came to you asking for help, now she won't take any of your suggestions, and is backstabbing you by fanning the fires between you and youngest son. Your intention was to give her finacial advice which you've done, don't get sucked into this mamma drama. Now that I have your attention, You don't have to be rude or cruel in letting go, just step back and emotionally disengage from this situation. If she asks for advice, give it because it sounds like you have a grip finacially. Keep the emotion out of this situation. Your Mil is also an adult who should have learned how to say no to her children before they could crawl. So she taught the youngest son that she can't say no to him.

[locolorenzo24]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Ok, what I'm about to say comes from my work.....
I work with mentally ill adults. Too many of them show up after families finally admit that something's "wrong". Often, they come into work after a few days to visit and we explain what we do, but keep smuggling in cigarettes, booze, etc...
We end up confronting some of them and showing that they are "enablers" who, if they get a little tougher, can show their sons/daughters/wives/husbands that their behavior cannot be tolerated....Some success, some failure.
I wish you luck, you're going to need it. But you have the great ability to realize that even if you're out of the will, it doesn't matter. Try to seperate the emotional from the facts...and keep your perspective.

[frugalfarmwife]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Thanks Markitcat and loco, it is an enabling situation and has been there in one way or another since I "stole" my hubby away from them (actually long before). We don't visit often as it's not possible, with hubbies full time job and the farm we just can't get away, you can't just walk away from 80 head of animals, it takes a lot of planning. When we do actually make it to visit we constantly get grief for never being there (oh yeah, THAT makes us want to visit!) Mom controls by whining and giving hubby gifts.

The brothers haven't been here in years to visit us, hubby always tells them "you know where we live and you know our number, the phone works both ways".

The "boys" have lives and families, in MY opinion they should come first, they should honor their parents by being good productive members of society and good spouses.

I also know that I'm not the easiest person to get along with either, but I've always gone out of my way to make sure that hubby visits/stays in touch with his family, I even schedule for him to spend time with his mom a few times a year, just about pushing him out the door, lol, just to keep the peace. I do make appearances and am pleasant for major holiday get togethers.

We have been made out to be the bad guys in this situation (younger brother claiming that we're part of the problem for having accepted gifts from her and not being there all the time) But for the last 15 years it's been this way, after all I stole him from the family and moved him away.

The second brother in some ways is a lot like me, we don't get what we want by whining and pouting, we're right in your face. The problem with he and I is as hubby says "we both know we're not always right but we have a problem admitting we're wrong" lol, hubby is VERY insightful! This brother is very aggressive and is a Jones, has to have it all now and I know he's borrowed/taken a lot from mom and in deep, but yesterday isn't the problem in moms situation, getting back the money isn't what needs done here, that won't work and would just cause more problems, I went into this trying to get mom to take baby steps and start fresh from today, stopping the leaks, not getting the money back thats already gone. This brother (#2) has 4 daughters and just took on a new house in a better school district which is a GOOD thing, bettering the future of their 4 daughters. His wife is a 5'2" powerhouse that keeps it all together and I REALLY respect her ability to run her house/family and work full time, but know that their bills are horrendous and that mom has helped a lot, but thats for the good of the grandchildren and we don't resent that in the slightest.

And I know that hubbies mom thinks we're close with my mom and that angers her also, we live close but we have separate lives, we don't see each other very often and don't barge into each others lives, we call before visiting and respect each other as adults.

I'm out unless ask specific questions, and hubbies fine, just sad that we got sucked in as far as we did, if mom calls him one on one he'll help, but he's really let her have it about baby brother hiding at her house/not having a job/making 30,000 under the table and hiring buddies under the table to do landscaping/construction, she's approved of all of this.

We're fine, again, keep it out of our house, discuss it only while doing chores and going on with our lives.

kj

[frugalfarmwife]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

Ok, what I'm about to say comes from my work.....
I work with mentally ill adults. Too many of them show up after families finally admit that something's "wrong". Often, they come into work after a few days to visit and we explain what we do, but keep smuggling in cigarettes, booze, etc...
We end up confronting some of them and showing that they are "enablers" who, if they get a little tougher, can show their sons/daughters/wives/husbands that their behavior cannot be tolerated....Some success, some failure.
I wish you luck, you're going to need it. But you have the great ability to realize that even if you're out of the will, it doesn't matter. Try to seperate the emotional from the facts...and keep your perspective.

We're going to suggest and outside debt counselor to help her out in this situation, we're just to close to the situation.

I really hope that my babbling about this can help someone else in the future, get education to go with the money!

kj

[Ima saver]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

I appreciate what you said, flash and frugalfarmwife. You have a tough situation and I think you are a very strong person. I hate to see your MIL homeless, but unless she changes her way about her son, she is eventually going to use up all of her bond money and lose her condo. She asked you for help, right?
I am surprised you can ever go to visit at all. My BIL has 4 horses and he has to hire someone to come and feed them several times a day.

[PrincessPerky]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

I doubt much you say will help, but if you practice some short remarks you might...

I know some short things dh has said have heled with our homeschooling (not aproved on his side)

Like when she says if she has it she wants to give it, well pretty soon she wont have anything! I doubt she noticed.

And it doesn't seem to be appriciated, if gifts happen all the time we would take them for granted (like running water!)

I dunno how to help her whining, but once my MIL used to always complain about DHs hair (long and curly, two things she hates) I threatened jokingly to die it blue and give her something real to complain about. I haven't heard one word since :0. dunno if you can find a similar break thru for your MIL.

On the boy staying home, she misses him... but she is doing him a disservice, I wouldn't suggest total cutoff, but I would take back the CC and kill the phone, actually I would suggest she pick. list the expenses and total it up, then suggest halving(or less) it her way. So all boys get money, but not all as much. then if your DH is cool with it take his third and put it in the bank for when she runs out from giving extra to the other two!

[frugalfarmwife]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

PP little things aren't going to work in this situation, the brother isn't a kid, he's a 29 year old man with a wife, child, house and two vehicles, one in his mothers name! Now the collection agency is after them for the one vehicle so it's just a matter of time before they're after the vehicle in moms name! Brother hasn't worked in 4 months, his wife makes maybe enough to cover the house payment and electric, not much else.

Mom has more going out than coming in, selling what bonds she has monthly to cover the condo payments, she has a loan for 40,000 coming due in July and if she can't refinance it will take almost everything she has left, she's in a BAD situation and is still denying it.

The BIGGEST problem is she ask for help but EVERY suggestion is taken as a personal assault and a "but, but, but" and reasons why she can't do it.

EVERY CC payment is late, brother is using the CC's and not paying for his charges, mom is paying his truck insurance, mom was paying 200 cell phone bills for them, they're adults!

We're weren't pointing fingers at anyone and attempted to make it a "don't look at yesterday, start fresh from today and CUT BILLS and cut off payments for others" but she's obsessing on things like how the banks aren't treating her fairly, she doesn't understand an interest only variable rate loan, the boys need her and need her to help with bills, etc. Oh, and she won't give up her cable.

And yes, since she couldn't control hubby and I with the money now she's trying to suck us in with guilt to help her get out of this and succeeding in turning everyone against each other, it's turned into "well you weren't here to help" from the brother.

I'm sorry, but a parent should raise a child and be proud of them going off to be a productive adult, not want to continually drag them back home in any way that they can which is what she is doing.

Oh, and I've learned the little games years ago with her, they used to bug us about having kids, I finally told her she didn't want us to have kids, I'm a stickler for dicipline with my animals and don't like to be ask why, hubbies a guy that when he gets involved in things he's lost to the world, so I told her if we had a kid either I'd kill it or he'd lose it, lol, she leaves us alone about that now

I am going to be the bigger person and apologize for my attack on the brother when he talked about me to defend himself to mom, he didn't have any right to bring me into it but my exploding and taking his head off wasn't the right thing for this situation. It's not going to be easy to apologize and then NOT point out all his lies again, but I will do it and let it go from there. WE (hubby and I) know he's lying but trying to point that out will just cause more fights, we'll just sit back and sadly watch him hang himself, sad, and somehow he'll turn it around to be our fault again but it won't affect our personal life and that's what matters to hubby and I.

kj

[PrincessPerky]

Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

I meant kid in the sense he is still acting like one, not number.

and the little things take time, lots of time. maybe too much.

good luck on your apology, I am terrible at those!