New to budgeting and managing finances.... Advice?

[jonathon087]

I agree that we married into this life together, and I definitely feel that anything dealing with another wedding is out of the question at this time in our lives. Her excuse is that everybody she knows has a lot of debt and that her friends have taken out loans for paying for weddings. She thinks it's impossible in this economy to save money. She also uses her parents as an example in that they've taken out multiple loans and credit cards for just about everything. So I don't know how to reason with her... She thinks it's unfair that her sister will have a wedding before her even though she's already married.

[snafu]

While you acknowledge you've made decisions that put you in debt, sadly your wife presents as an immature, very spoiled little girl. This can be fixed. You need to show leadership, love and patience so that your wife and life partner understands how important it is to get in control of finances so that finances don't control and limit your future choices.

I'm painfully aware that money is number one dispute between spouses. If MIL is driving expectations, she needs to know the facts. It's imperative you work together as a team. You will save a whole lot of grief by getting financial counseling now. Wife needs to see and understand the figures for her salary potential, NET - less student loan payments on $ 40,000.00 which needs to include interest. [I keep reading about teacher lay-offs and near to bankrupt municipalities]. Will she be paying for 10 years, 20 years or longer?

The fantasy wedding and trip to Hawaii is do-able when you've saved the cash. Meanwhile, what will you do to pare expenses? Will you tolerate a shared accommodation in Virginia, time with wife on Skype, home cooked meals on a budget, no cost/low cost entertainment and a restricted social life? Which semester will include practicum/student teaching? Wife will need whatever income she can generate the other semester plus the sum you will send in support. She would save $6,800. in rent & utilities by accepting the offer of staying with friends. Better yet, she would have support of a friendly face rather than an empty, silent apt. while you live in another state.

You're both young and I know you can solve problems and make this work.

[disneysteve]

She thinks it's unfair that her sister will have a wedding before her even though she's already married.

She ALREADY HAD a wedding. She's married, isn't she? The wedding is the ceremony that legally joins two people in matrimony.

She doesn't want a wedding. She wants an extravagant party. And she thinks that just because she knows other people who went into debt for a party, she should do it to.

Good luck to you. That's a tough mindset to change. There is a reason why money issues are the number one cause of divorce.

[BMEPhDinCO]

First, welcome to the world of finances. They are complicated, frustrating, and not always fun. But when you do get it all under control, everything will start coming together.

My suggestions...

1. Write out (yes, on paper) a list of all your debt. Include original amount, current amount, interest rate, minimum payment. Include the student loans on this list.

2. Write out (yes, on paper again, a new sheet) a list of all your income. Include only things that are steady (ie, not gifts from parents).

3. Write out (another new sheet, please) a list of your current expenses - bills, groceries, gas, car insurance, rental insurance, etc. (for example, that AT&T phone thing is already way high..)

Now, if 3+1 <2, you are doing well. If not, you need to adjust 3 or 2.

For the wedding, remind her that she's already married BUT that instead, y'all should plan now for a really special 10 year (or 15, whatever is doable) anniversary party to ___ (Hawaii is one option). Then start planning it! Put $1 a day into a savings account for the party. You already know what day it'll be, so let her start thinking about how she wants it. As your income rises (hopefully it will in 10 years!) you can up that to $2, $3, etc per day to meet your goal. It sounds to me like she wants the acknowledgement of a big party to mark her move from her family into your family. So she can have it - when it's saved for!

Finally, you aren't receiving "lump sums from tuition" or "refunds" - you are getting your loans in cash. That is NOT income (don't include it in #2), instead, try to reduce the amount being taken if possible. Instead, your wife should look into doing tutoring for students needing extra help, at $40-80 an hour, it will be a big help, even if she only does it 3 hours a week. I know she's already got a full load, but you need the money. Tell her she can put 10% of whatever she brings in from that second job (NOT the loans) into the party fund above and beyond the $1 a day.

I've found that my marriage is already harder since I haven't been communicating the way I should - learn from my mistakes and realize that really talking, no matter how upset the person gets, is the best way to keep your marriage for another 50+ years.

[jonathon087]

Well, we finally had the discussion. She mentioned a company that does wedding and reception ceremonies. We totaled the prices and it came around 5k for just those two. She mentioned a loan, I stood firm and ran her through the scenario of everything that we owe right now and what it will be like when we do start paying for all these loans right away.

Needless to say, it didn't go well and we were at each others throats for the majority of the night. We're better now and have agreed that a loan is out of the question. We've agreed that we'll have the ceremony when we can AFFORD it and not before.

Now I need to get her to sit down for a few hours so we can run through our budget together. I'm personally doing that by myself because it frustrates and annoys her and she doesn't think there's any point to be doing such a thing when we hardly have any money.

Regardless, last month we made roughly 2200 last month and spent around 2050 in expenses. We did pay double rent for June and July, as well as double on water, electric, and gas for June and July. I was unemployed for six months, so that's why we were paying extra since I just started a new job. I also only got 1 1/2 paychecks. So looking ahead doesn't seem so dire, since our bills should be covered a bit easier.

I've been using Yodlee and Mint as well as trying to budget everything on a spreadsheet... but the spreadsheet seems like a lot of work when we've never really taken into account what we're spending and what we're spending that on.

[disneysteve]

Now I need to get her to sit down for a few hours so we can run through our budget together. I'm personally doing that by myself because it frustrates and annoys her and she doesn't think there's any point to be doing such a thing when we hardly have any money.

When money is tight is when having a clear and concise budget is most important because you have little to no wiggle room. One misstep and you're in the red.

last month we made roughly 2200 last month and spent around 2050 in expenses. We did pay double rent for June and July, as well as double on water, electric, and gas for June and July.

So even with double payments, you are coming out ahead. That's great. Once the double payments stop, you should be in terrific shape and definitely have enough to work on debt and build an emergency fund.

[jonathon087]

Yeah, right now my biggest concern is that emergency fund. We literally have no savings whatsoever. Although I did open an Ally savings account and wil be making routine transfers into that when I get a sizeable amount of funds for once.

[Gailete]

I feel sorry for you and I can see that you are trying, but it sounds like you married my son's ex-wife. She wanted everything whether they could afford it or not. Your wife has had her wedding. It is what she choose when she said I do and you both decided on a small ceremony. I can never see what the point is of couples having 'weddings' after the fact. I knew one couple that had a blow out wedding with 6 attendents each when they already had two kids. Something somewhere is mixed up with that thought process. I'm glad to hear that she has realized at this point that it is not a sensible idea or reason to get further into debt.

If she is going to be living alone while finishing this last year at college, I too wonder why she can't handle a part time job. I was one of those dying breeds of people that worked myself through college and owed nothing when I finished. I don't understand today's mindset where college kids need so much, borrow so much and don't bother with extra jobs as they expect to pay it all off some other day. Teaching is not the easiest to get into these days and she may find that finding a job and in the area you are working at will be difficult. Is there no way she could do her last year where you are? Wouldn't it give her a chance to get an 'in' with the local school districts? If you could run the numbers and show her how much you two could save by her either going to school where you are or living with friends instead of her own apartment, would that help change her mind?

I wish you luck as I think you are going to be having a rough road. I also didn't see anything in your budget for trips to see each other during this year apart, but perhaps I missed it. I don't know too many young couples that can survive that much time apart especially when finances are tough and when she isn't there to see what you are doing with the money, she may resent what you dole out to her.

[disneysteve]

when she isn't there to see what you are doing with the money, she may resent what you dole out to her.

This absolutely shouldn't happen. Even if you aren't living together, you still MUST communicate regularly about the budget and both be in agreement on how the money gets spent. You shouldn't be doling out money to her. You both should be determining together how much she has to spend on what. If there is no communication, it will never work and the relationship will be doomed.

[Gailete]

This absolutely shouldn't happen. Even if you aren't living together, you still MUST communicate regularly about the budget and both be in agreement on how the money gets spent. You shouldn't be doling out money to her. You both should be determining together how much she has to spend on what. If there is no communication, it will never work and the relationship will be doomed.

I agree completely Steve. But so far she isn't on the same page at all, and she is going to see it as limiting what she can spend and I doubt she will be a happy camper unless she is fully on board before they split for that year. One of the reasons I don't think it is a good idea for that to even happen. Marriages are hard enough work without putting that kind of problem into it a seperation and money difficulties or at least living on a newly created budget. It is going to be a very rough road I think.

[jonathon087]

Yeah, it will be hard when I do move away. We'll both be extremely busy, as I'll be working as much as I can (new employer told me I can literally work all I want for overtime) and my wife will be overburdened with school. I won't be visiting on a regular basis, but will be keeping in touch quite frequently. We've been separated before in worse situations (me being deployed to Iraq while in the USAF,) so we're plenty aware of the hardships.

I'm still trying to persuade my wife to stay with a friend or family... especially since the friend has already suggested it. I'm not entirely sure why she won't, seeing as she'll be by herself the entire time and have nobody around except the three dogs that are staying with her. Who knows.

I've already started up a spreadsheet on Google Docs and am currently filling out the past few months on it. Is that the suggested method of tracking a budget? I do it every night, but I just wish I could auto fill it... Then I think about all the stuff I'm filling in and constantly thinking about what I could cut back on, so I guess it's a trade off.

[sblatner]

Yeah, right now my biggest concern is that emergency fund. We literally have no savings whatsoever. Although I did open an Ally savings account and wil be making routine transfers into that when I get a sizeable amount of funds for once.

You mention here that you will be making transfers into Ally when you get a sizable amount of funds. I say make a transfer of $100 a month or even less to get in the practice of saving. Maybe your wife will get excited about money/budgeting when she sees this balance grow.

[Gailete]

Then I think about all the stuff I'm filling in and constantly thinking about what I could cut back on, so I guess it's a trade off

You might want to check out a book out of the library called Your Money or Your Life by Joe Domingez and Vicky Robin (might have their names spelled a bit wonky). While you may not want to follow the whole book, they have a great way of helping you to see whether something is a want or a need and what you can cut out and what should stay in a budget. For some people, they could look at my last sewing machine purchase as a frivolous item when you can pick up one at Walmart for $100. Yet it is important to me and I have 'given' up many things over the years and I make most of my own clothes plus gifts, and charity quilts, etc. So I have done trade offs. Being on a budget and living on a shoestring, doesn't mean you can't have anything nice, it just means that you have to be really sure that what you want is something you really want. Realize that you can't have all your wants so you have to pick and choose. So anyway that book helps you out and you should be able to get a copy on interlibrary loan.

[witchkizzle]

Hey buddy. I just wanted to say Good Luck with getting out of the hole!

I'm 25 and my wife is 24. I want to encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your wife. You don't have to be mean to get your point across. My wife responds best to a well reasoned "discussion" than a full blown "fight" (go figure, right?).

My wife doesn't really like the *boring* details of budgeting, but I keep her active in the process.

Anyway, we are not in debt except for our mortgage and I wanted to encourage you to get to a similar position. It may be a struggle now, but present your facts to her and try to get the point across that things will be exponentially better/happier in the future if you make those small sacrifices now.

Also, try to get her, and you if it is an issue, to realize that a lot of what you see other people doing is a "fake front" and they are in financial issues as bad or worse than you. That is no way to live your life. If me and my wife both lost our jobs right now, we could live normally on our emergency savings for at least 6 months and live frugally for close to 10months without having to get another job or go into credit card debt over it.

Wouldn't you and your wife prefer that reality? Or is a 5 day vacation in Hawaii worth giving all of that up for?

Besides being financially responsible doesn't mean you can't got to Hawaii... it just means you can't go to Hawaii any time soon

Good luck! Sorry this was so long. I would love to talk to you more about this. I feel like I can relate to another 25 year old and have advice you can appreciate.