Parents with bad money skills? How do you handle it?

**disneysteve** · 06-10-2012, 07:54 AM

Sorry you're stuck dealing with that nonsense. One thing I wouldn't do is give them any more money. That's just enabling the problem. I'd have no problem, if asked for money, to point out whatever the latest indulgence was. "If you had money for xxxx, how come you don't have money for this?"

I have little patience for people like this. I wouldn't allow myself to get sucked into their dysfunction.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 06-10-2012, 07:58 AM

You were born into this world with your eyes wide open, Herelam2011. Even as a child you could see that your parents' spending was not making sense. It is a burden to see so clearly and yet be able to do bascially nothing about the habits of your elders. The way you describe it, it sounds like some sort of family psychosis.

I feel for you, but I also feel for your younger sister left at home. How soon will she be able to get out of there? Has she adopted your parents' way of living, or can she still see a bit more clearly?

It sounds as if your parents might be in their fifties. They have not totally crashed and burned, but if it has gotten worse, what will happen to them in the long run? Bankruptcy, a slight recovery period when they cannot get credit (which may be even harder for you and your sister), then a new period of out of control spending, another bankruptcy....nothing to support themselves with when they are old and unable to work.

**auron** · 06-11-2012, 10:31 AM

I feel your pain. I went into college with my parents saying they would pay for my undergrad.

Now I'm payment month 6 into this student loan and my parents decide they "need" to postpone a payment because my father has to take 2 weeks unpaid vacation. I find it ironic because my parents gross slightly over $200k a year (mom only works part time), but can't "afford" a SL payment.

I don't mean to seem entitled, but rather point out my parents lack of financial control preventing them to be able to pay for the things they previously committed to. Lucky for me I've been planning for a situation like this and it's nothing more than an inconvience.

**josetann** · 06-11-2012, 04:21 PM

First, I'd decide whether I'd even want to help out said parent if they needed it. If not, then I don't worry about it. So that takes care of one parent.

Second, if the remaining parent(s) had bad money skills, I'd do what I could to help them without being too pushy, and not being too detrimental to myself and my family (by "my family" I mean wife and kids). Giving them money so they can go out and blow it is not helping (even giving them gift cards to buy food at a grocery store could mean more money freed up to gamble away or whatever their vice is). If they were trying to help themselves, I'd be more inclined to help them. Giving advice, offering to take a look at their finances and come up with a plan, trying to give help without acting too charitable (i.e. bring over food to have a family supper, give them some old clothes we were getting rid of, etc.). Depending on how bad it was, I might make it clear that they were not going to get financial help from me (so if they were depending on me to fund their retirement...too bad). Then follow through. Gosh, almost sounds like reverse parenting here...lay down the law, give them clear expectations, and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Cause if you give in once...then they're going to keep coming back for more.

**bjl584** · 06-12-2012, 05:36 AM

Unfortunately, I would cut them off. No more helping out with bills, no more money. The further you distance yourself from their money issues, the better off you will be.

**NuggetBrain** · 06-12-2012, 06:07 PM

I find parents who raid their childrens' bank accounts and spend the money on themselves the lowest scum. That's all I have to add to this conversation. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Best to cut them off now.

**ecoadapt** · 06-12-2012, 08:28 PM

Originally posted by bjl584 View Post

Unfortunately, I would cut them off. No more helping out with bills, no more money. The further you distance yourself from their money issues, the better off you will be.

Sadly, I would do just this. No matter how bad it looked like, I think it would best to let them learn the hard way. They are parents, they must be responsible enough!

**frugalfarmwife** · 06-13-2012, 06:19 PM

Honestly short answer is tell them sorry for your problems and be on my way

I've had years of dealing with this and never given a penny, given tons of advice and after years one brother in law has finally seen the light and is thankful for advice, the rest just continue on the downward spiral and we can't change it.

I personally come from a family where dad spent and mom plugged the holes for most of my childhood and have taken many lessons from it, unfortunately not enough lessons or I'd be debt free. Hey, those few years I'm paying for were fun though but I wish they weren't there.

Honestly you can't fix them, it just isn't going to happen.

ff

**lookingup** · 06-14-2012, 06:24 PM

I don't really have any advice - I came here seeking it a couple weeks ago. But I was deeply relieved to have any replies at all, so I'll throw one out just in case you're inclined to read it. I can sympathize with a lot of this. I have one very profligate parent and another who refuses to seek work, and when recently the one working parent became medically incapable of work for nearly a year the spending habits, which had never been in control, seemed to get much worse. ("What else am I going to do all day?") Due to the above medical incident I left my own decently-paid job to offer home care to my parents, moving back to my hometown and family residence, and I haven't been able to get back out since, although I am once again employed full-time outside the home (though for much less than I made before).

The way I handled the requests for end-of-month I-spent-too-much pre-payday loans was simply to disappear for a while. It felt cowardly - I'd rather have simply said that I wasn't in a position to render further aid, but I had made that mistake before. My parents have never been the paragon examples of maturity, especially when confronted, and I knew it would only start a fight which would then escalate as other members of the family condemned my demurral for childish disobedience or ingratitude. (This is called enabling, and I don't know how I wasn't able to see it before.) It may or may not be a long-term coping strategy for anyone else, but in my family, it meant that emotions never got piqued, and my impulsive, spendy parent never became angry enough to be shameless as in the old pattern. I didn't break contact, but I sort of dropped off the radar by never being at home during waking hours or immediately available by phone, and it eventually sent the message that I simply wasn't going to be a useful source of interest-free loans anymore. It's not the best answer and it didn't really help my parent, but at least it didn't make the situation worse. It came down to choosing the least harmful path.

You seem to have a solid financial footing and independence. If that's true, be glad of it; that's the escape rope. As for your sister, does she live at home? Is she old enough that she might be able to move out? My four-years-younger sibling didn't make the same mistakes I did, has no student debt, lives with roommates and is almost entirely out of contact with our parents, and is much happier for it. From my limited experience* I'm left wanting to shout from the rooftops that young people whose parents burden them with their financial indiscretions get out ASAP and work on getting to financial and emotional security.

(*Naturally, what with pot, kettle, and all that, I thought for a long time that I could be the exception and martyr myself for the family as a whole. I applied desk to forehead a few times the other week and am now seeking additional work, roommates and an apartment. What well-meaning idiocy! Don't do this, anybody.)

**Aquedita** · 06-16-2012, 01:33 PM

Hi HereIam2011,

I am sorry that you are faced with such a dilemma.

The people who wrote above did have some good suggestions. I know that most of the previous comments and stories were quite negative, so just to cheer you up a bit let me tell you how I handled my parents.

To be honest, money was never a topic in my house when I was growing up. I never knew how much my parents earned or spent, I was never educated about personal finances. Looking back, I can see quite clearly when the times were lean and when good. Make no mistake, we never went hungry. But we could not afford every luxury either. That been said, my father has a tendency to splurge on things, my mother is the planner and sticking with a budget, kind of.

My biggest concern was that they never ever thought about retirement and they never had money saved up for the future. Lately I decided to lead by example and once I got a real full time steady job, I opened up a retirement account and told my parents about it. I brought some pamphlets from the bank, explained how it exactly works and what are the benefits and they were surprised. There was no nagging on my part, just a clear message a few subtle hints here and there.

You have no idea how happy and proud I was when my mother recently told me: "This will be our last big expense, after that we are going to set our money aside for the old age". Finally! I know they made a few of mistakes down the road any it will not be perfect but still, it seems great they shifted their perspective just a little bit.

I truly think this is the best way to help out. Who said you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks?

Parents with bad money skills? How do you handle it?