Couples Budgeting Advice

[BillyB]

I was searching the web looking for budgeting advice to use while talking to my fiance. I can't wait to get married to her this spring but I am nervous about combining our finances. I am curious how others have handled this? Joint checking account or not? We are both 31 however we have led different financial lives. She is just now starting her career and I am seven years into mine with a good retirement savings adding up with 10% 401K contributions plus 6% company match per year. I have some rainy day savings and never get close over spending my monthly budget. She however overspends every month and has credit card debt. Her biggest monthly expense is her horse that she pays board for every month plus the occasional vet bill. Without the burden of her horse she would be much better off financially but this is a non negotiable expense for her. Any advice on how to talk about creating and sticking to a budget and addressing the fact that she has a non negotiable expensive horse that will limit her and therefore our financial options in the future?

[mrpaseo]

Ski mask and a shot gun will take care of the horse... Just kidding... Or am I?

Seriously, the way my family does it... Marriage makes two people into one. When we are single, we have our own apartment/house. In said house we have our own bills, our own furniture, our own dishes etc. When we marry someone we move into one dwelling right? What do we do with the two sets of furniture? Do we keep two couches, two refrigerators, two washer/dryer combos? No, we keep the best and get rid of the rest right? I'm not sure why people do not combine their finances when they move in. The attitude of, "That's my money, I earned it" or "Those are your bills, they are from before we were married so you need to pay them off" just does not pass the common sense test with me. With this philosophy one will always be able to do stuff and the other will not be able to afford it.

What you are telling me is you can afford to go out and eat, but your soon to be wife can not... How is that going to work out?

If you combine your finances, will you both be in the red or will it balance out even with the horse?

I just don't understand when two people marry and do not combine their finances. If you can not trust your spouse to do what you both agree on why would you marry her/him? That said, I'm not saying each spouse should not have a weekly or monthly allowance that they can spend on whatever they want. My wife and I do this. All money is combined, bills paid, investments done, spending money distributed etc...

Just my two cents... flame away,
Ray

[disneysteve]

I can't wait to get married to her this spring but I am nervous about combining our finances.

She however overspends every month and has credit card debt.

The two of you need some serious help and pre-marital financial counseling. I would never say, "I do" to someone who is that out of control. That's just asking for trouble. Remember, the number one reason for divorce in this country is money problems.

If she is consistently spending more than she is earning and refuses to change her behavior or eliminate the sources of her overspending, there's a huge problem that you do not want to get yourself tangled up in. What will happen is you will end up bailing her out and paying off her existing debt only to have her go out and rack up more and more. After the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time you bail her out, you'll get fed up and the two of you will argue until the relationship deteriorates beyond repair.

If she is willing, enroll in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. Attend the classes together and do it all BEFORE you agree to marry her. Make sure she is committed to changing her behavior and actively doing what it takes to live below her means and clean up the mess she's made.

I wouldn't focus too hard on getting rid of the horse, even if that is a major financial drain, because it is also a huge emotional issue for her. Instead, focus on the big picture. You may just need to agree to keep the horse but only in the setting of everything else being tightly run so that the horse expenses don't bury you.

[EarlyRetirementJoy]

I concur absolutely with both of the above two response posts.

I would add this to what you are mulling over - if nothing changes with your fiancee's finances, and you move forward into marriage anyway, remember that you completely and willingly chose the financial chaos that may continue to ensue. As such, you'll really have no grounds to resent or criticize your now-wife's ongoing spending behavior.

If you two do go through some pre-marriage financial counseling, and it has a positive outcome, I hope you'll return here and share your success.

[skydivingchic]

I agree completely with Steve. You two are not on the same page financially and until you are, getting married is a bad idea. People don't change unless and until they themselves decide it is time. That means that until your girlfriend decides she needs to clean up her finances for her own well being, nothing will change. She will continue to overspend, continue to build up debt, etc. If you are not willing and able to live with that kind of financial situation, don't marry her.

Sit down with her and discuss both of your financial pictures and see if she is willing to get on board with a more secure future. If she is, I would make sure that new habits are well established and debt is consistently being paid down before you get married.

My fiance and I keep separate finances and will continue to do so after our wedding. It has worked for us for many years. But no financial arrangement - separate or joint - is going to work if the two people involved are not on the same page.

[BuckyBadger]

I wanted to address the "horse" aspect of your post more than the "financial" aspect.

I am a horse person. I've been involved in horses for over 20 years and I plan on being involved with them for the rest of my life to some extent. You can't expect people like us to change our ways, although we should be expected to partake in the horse experience within our means. When I was a grad student, I showed very little -- now that I'm a member of a two income household I spend a lot more, but nothing that we can't afford. Our finances are combined, and I currently make more than my husband, but back when I was still a student and he'd gotten a job and he made three times what I did nothing was any different -- we still treated all of our money as "our" money.

I suggest that you combine your money, and if you can afford the horse with your combined money, than it's fine -- if you can afford it together, than you can afford it. If you can't, then you need to rethink things, and she has probably already considered things such as half leasing the horse. Horse people know that our hobby is expensive and most of us are willing to eat ramen and give up pretty much every luxury to be able to afford them.

I was into horses when I met my husband and he knew what he was getting into. If he had tried to force me out of the horses it would have made me really rethink my decision to marry him in the first place. It's hard for people who aren't horse people to understand how important they are to us, but you have to believe me when I say that they really really are very very important.

If when you put everything together you two still can't afford the horse, I would recommend that she look into the possibility of moving to a cheaper barn, doing self-care if she had the time but not the money, or half leasing the horse.

This is all assuming that she is a reasonable person in general, of course, and not just spending wildly. That is another story entirely. But if she is a reasonable spender who is just always a little short on the vet bills, I think you'll be okay.

Good luck to you both!

[ecoadapt]

Steve and Ray have both made their point! Like Steve said,going to a Pre-marital counseling will make a difference. Because 'Marriage' is a lifetime commitment! Thus,what Ray said,it is being together as one,living the life together means accepting each others advantage and disadvantage!

[BillyB]

Well I had a thought about the ski mask but as was mentioned later down horse people are different and that is part of what I love about her. I realize that I have to accept all of her. Finances and horse. I am okay with that because I want to be with her and together we can afford it. She has agreed to sit down with a counselor which I am looking forward to because every time I bring this stuff up it doesn't go well. I am still hesitant to combine checking accounts because I have worked hard to get where I am and I worry that she would spend every last dollar on her horse. Like I said, I am looking forward to sitting down and airing my concerns with a counselor present. We have had some serious talks this weekend and I am glad that she is willing to work on it. I will check back soon.

[disneysteve]

I am still hesitant to combine checking accounts because I have worked hard to get where I am and I worry that she would spend every last dollar on her horse.

I think it is great that the two of you are talking and will be seeing a professional. Until you reach the point, however, where the above statement is no longer true, don't get married because you will surely regret it. Best of luck. Keep us posted.