Thoughts on the Sandwich Generation

[TampaBayYankee]

The Sandwich Generation is a generation of people who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children.

For the last 6 or so years, I have been fearing what would happen once my parents retire given my assumptions about their financial situation. Unfortunately I have never been successful in getting them to sit down and talk about their plan openly, so I can only guess at what their plans are for the future. This leads me down a very dark path as I have a tendancy to be a pessimist. I suspect that my income is going to be a large part of their retirement plan and being a 30 year old DINK, I have made certain decisions in my life in anticipation of the day when they come knocking on my door. I am putting off having kids, trying very hard to get myself and my husband into a good situation financially to ensure that we could offer help, but part of me is very resentful that we are being forced to make these sorts of decisions.

Is there anyone else out there who might be dealing with the same issue? How do you feel about this and how are your preparing for the future?

Likewise, is there anyone out there already helping to support their parents financially? Could you share your experiences with the rest of us?

[cschin4]

It is quite possible your are OVER worrying about the future. Nobody knows what will happen in the future. I think that is sad that you have put your own life on hold to spend 6 years worrying about this. And, if you wanted to have children or want to, you should be moving ahead with your life in that manner.
The reality of life is that we all age. Some age better than others. Some people have a lot of health problems and require a lot more help. You have a couple of options. If grandma can no longer live that well alone, then you go over and help clean the house, buy groceries, etc and try to keep her safe, etc. You may need to help write out bills, but using her money.
At some points she might need some more intense care for a period of time, hire home health, etc. If it is a long term care problem and grandma can no longer care for her home and self, then she either needs assisted living or possibly to move in with you. Your choice. If she needs toilet, is incontinent, etc, then assisted care. If she is in pretty good shape but just really needs someone to oversee, then consider moving her in with you. That is my plan.
So, there is really no reason to continually worry and why allow yourself to build up "resentment"? Do you really want to be one of those people who goes through life angry and resentful all the time? We all have made mistakes throughout our lives. And, you also may be making alot of assumptions that your parents don't even want. At this point, there are 2 of them and they can help take care of each other, as it should be. Stop worrying and start living your own life.

[TBH]

I have to agree with cschin4 on this one.

You don't KNOW their situation. They may be fine. And I assume that they'll have at least some social security. I think you have to decide what you want to do with your own life, and then after you take care of your own needs you should absolutely help them if they need it. But taking care of your own needs means having children if you want them.

I assume that you would want your own kids to do that. How would you feel if your young adult children were stewing about possibly having to take care of you, and not doing what they wanted with their own lives because of it? As a parent, I'm sure you would rather scrape by on social security and medicare rather than have your own children changing their lives because of your financial decisions.

I don't know if my parents will need help, or what kind of help they will need. They are divorced, and one of them lives far away and has nobody near him to help him out. I am worried that he will need my help managing his affairs someday, and that I will have to consider moving my family across the country to help him, or take significant time off from my own work to go help him. I don't worry about having to pay his bills out of my own pocket, but even so, I worry about the future. He is still very young and is about to retire, so this is a long way off. Mostly I am sad about him being alone and worried that something will happen to him with nobody to check on him regularly. I'm not really worried about the financial side of things. I am trying to live my life now, make good financial decisions that will serve me well in the future and put me in a position to help anyone close to me, parents or siblings or my own child, if they need my help. I know that my parents and my siblings are doing the same for me--trying to take care of themselves while being ready to help me if I need it and if they can do so without risking their own financial well being.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

My parents were superb money managers, just rather low earners. So I have nothing to resent in that regard. My father could get by in a low rent apartment, but lives with my sister. My mother, amazingly, lives on under $700 per month. About eight years ago, she decided to allow herself the luxury of cable TV, and that is her only luxury. In fact, I cannot remember her having anything that was extra all my life, unless you count an occasional cookie or candy that's she'd bought for the family. My parents do not at all act spoiled, demanding, or --to use that popular accusatory word-- entitled.

If my Mom would need more help, my nearby sister and BIL would help. That is why she moved to their city. They would take her in if need be. However, as I am very flexible, I would go there for every third week or so, to give them relief. (I probably do need to figure out the travel expenses this would be.) I would probably not do the same for my father, as he lives much further away and has not only my sister, but adult grandchildren and teen great grandchildren. I'm sure they would be able to work it out.

[Shaabenanizer]

I'm sure you would rather scrape by on social security and medicare rather than have your own children changing their lives because of your financial decisions.

Unless you have Toxic parents who never emotional evolved past the age of 6 and highly resents you for having a spouse and children because that means time AND money away from them. If you are this extreme case and every time they start with, "oh I'm sick/dying/need-to-suck-the-life-out-of-you.." say that you're looking into a nice assisted living for them and no, they can't live with you because due to their toxicity, you will be dying before they will. While some States have laws that adult children must provide for the care of their elderly parents, most States do not enforce it.

I've noticed that toxic parents are very vague about their financial management and never show documents to their children. Healthy parents tend to be more up front with their adult children and willing to make plans together.

[disneysteve]

part of me is very resentful that we are being forced to make these sorts of decisions.

Who is forcing you to do this? Have your parents expressed to you that they expect you to care for them?

I'd suggest scheduling a time to sit down with your parents and discuss their financial picture. Make it very clear to them that you and your husband are concerned and want to make sure that they have things in place for a secure retirement - adequate savings, long term care insurance, wills, power of attorney, living will, etc. Perhaps you can get on the topic by saying that you and your husband recently reviewed your own plans and it got you thinking about how they were situated.

You should not be living your life in anticipation of taking care of them. They are adults. They are responsible for themselves. You are 30 so I'm guessing they are in their mid-50s. They still have plenty of years ahead of them to get their retirement settled if they aren't on track at this point.

I'm 46. My mom is 80. I know everything about her savings and investments. We use the same broker. I'm power of attorney and beneficiary of all of her accounts. And I periodically help her when she needs to make investment decisions. She also has a good long term care policy. Hopefully, she won't ever need me to help her financially although I'd certainly do so to the best of my ability without sacrificing my own future or my family's well being in the process.

[Aleta]

Do not put your life on hold because of your parents. They have lived their life and you have the right to live yours. I say this because they sound too young for you to have to start thinking like this. My husband had a similiar situation with his parents. All they talked about was retirement since their mid 40's and they didn't know if their health would hold out.

Well ----------------that was 45 years ago and their 4 sons have had more operations and illnesses than the parents. You could put having children on hold and your parents could live until 90 and where would you be then.They are now 90 and 89 yrs old and the mother is still going strong. I don't think your parents put their life on hold because you are here. According to them, they were not going to live very many years. So, unless you know something concrete - don't put your hopes and dreams on hold or you may grow to resent them later.