Take house in divorce? (financial Q)

**KTP** · 05-28-2009, 10:24 AM

I am guessing you have not been married very long?

I have been married 18 years and I know if I lost my wife to either death or divorce I could not bear to live in our house. Everything would remind me of her and not let wounds heal. Actually I doubt I ever would get over it, so it probably wouldn't matter much where I lived.

Maybe it is different for men vs women? A guy I know got divorced, kept the house and a few years later remarried. His new wife immediately wanted to sell the house, and personally I think it is because she didn't want him reminded of his old life.

Hmm, none of this touched on if finacially it makes sense for you...sorry.

**edenequinox** · 05-28-2009, 10:31 AM

Well maybe it makes me an insensitive person but out of the year we have owned the house, my husband has been out of the country on business for about half of it and while I painted the entire house, spent countless hours on the yard, taking care of the pool, giving swimming lessons in the pool to kids I dearly care about, doing every bit of repairs after the huricane, replacing lighting and electrical fixtures, he was with another woman. We have been married for 4 years, but I didn't realize this question would make me out to be such an awful person. I have just really been debating this financially but I guess I came to the wrong place.

**reptile411** · 05-28-2009, 10:52 AM

Out of the country on business= have a heart
With another woman= ignore my first impression.
I would think $600 per month would be enough of a cushion but do you have anything in savings? You should know by now that owning a home can be very expensive. If you have to put a roof on the house, buy a new car, replace some broken appliances exc exc will you still have a $600 per month cushion. My personal thought is I could not live with a $600 cushion. If I go below a 3K cushion per month I look at cutting costs but that's just me. Its always best to try to work out problems that avoid possibilities like this but I assume you already tried to work out any problems and it was for not. Maybe there is a possibility of refinancing or even getting the student loan down to help with your monthly cushion? Lets make a very bad but necessary picture here. Lets say you get hurt, lets go further and say it was a car accident, your fault, Even with insurance you can get some pretty high medical bills that can be very consuming. not only that, now you need to buy another car. When I started working on building my credit and becoming financially secure it was after years of kidney problems, 2 kids and a lot of irresponsibility. I paid about 16K right off the top to 2 collection agencies to wipe my accounts clean and for several months paid out about another 2K per month to clear up the others. Then on top of all that our daughter was born with problem that required fairly extensive medical treatment. After 8 months and my insurance it left us with a 70K medical bill. Thank god for the day my insurance company called and reported we hit our max out of pocket and the bill would be paid in full by them. After that it was a 3 hour drive 4 times per week to the Hospital that performed the opporation for about 4 months for check ups. After breaking down 5 times on the way home one day this required a new car. My point is life is hard and we can get brod sided very fast, even if we are careful.

**KTP** · 05-28-2009, 10:55 AM

woah! I didn't mean to imply you were insensitive! It sounds like you really put a lot into the house and have a big attachment to it. The financial guys on here are a lot better about examining budgets, but I think they seem to want your house payment to be no more than 1/3 your income. Probably the best thing is to post your entire budget, with the house payment and the student loans so they can examine it and see if it makes financial sense for you to keep the house.

Very sorry your husband cheated on you, hope things work out.

**edenequinox** · 05-28-2009, 11:00 AM

The picture you described is my concern. I guess I thought if things went bad I could always sell the house. Luckily I have good free health insurance with work, but I am afraid of something like a new roof or new car or an accident that I caused. I think logic would dictate that I just call it a loss and move on. I am trying to determine if my maybe irrational connection to the house is what's making me want it since I spent so much time working on it to block out some pain, but I would like to have it if it was smart financially also.

**edenequinox** · 05-28-2009, 11:11 AM

My budget: (everything monthly)

House including taxes, insurance, homeowners fees etc.: $1100
Student loans: $650
Gas: $200
Food: $250
Electric: $200
Trash: $25
Water: $25
Pool Maintenance: $10
Car Maintenance: $20 (has 60k miles so won't need new one too soon)
Car insurance: $35
Cell phone: $50
Giving: $100
Misc: $100

Renting would run me about $800 a month and would save on electric, gas, trash etc. I know my budget looks basic, but I have gotten really used to no internet, cable or home phone. But I could take interest deduction on taxes.

I get $1650 every two weeks so I really make more than $3300 a month {after taxes and all deductions (including retirement)}, but I just base it on $3300 a month to be safe. I appreciate all the help i can get, I have literally been thinking about this for 2 weeks straight. I don't know what to do.

**PetMom** · 05-28-2009, 11:14 AM

Divorce is an emotional issue a lot of times for lots of people and even to mention it in any context can sometimes trigger some thoughts about it, but on to more practical aspects of this...

Property can be expensive to maintain - replacement costs for an a/c/heater, fence, roof can just about wipe out the emergency fund.

The good thing here is you know home mainenance and upkeep, yardwork and even maintaining your pool - which is fantastic and can be a deciding factor in staying in your home.

I have been in apts. and much prefer a home with a yard. If maintained and kept up it can be an asset that appreciates during good economic times. After some years your mortgage payment will be lower than what apartment dwellers pay for an apt. (this may adjust higher though if you tap into your equity).

Others who do the great budget analysis can answer the other aspects of your question.

**edenequinox** · 05-28-2009, 11:21 AM

Thank you PetMom, that is exactly how I feel. I do know a lot about upkeep. I maintain the pool really easily (which is hard for a lot of people because pools are pains), I have replaced a lot of electrical stuff (all lighting sockets, not just the plates, fans and chandeliers, have replaced doorknobs and even door thresholds, but house maintenance does get expensive but the upside is that its something I love doing. I guess its something I would emotionally want to do, just afraid I would be dooming myself financially or at least making it hard to take a decent vacation. And its always the unexpected things that throw us for a loop.

**Broken Arrow** · 05-28-2009, 11:24 AM

Eden, please don't take anything here too personally. Just about everybody I know here mean well and are just trying to be helpful. And yes, we don't fully understand and appreciate your situation. I can only imagine how much pain your (ex-)husband has caused you.

To be fair though, I was married for about 8.5 years.... Ex-wife also ran off with another guy. She was just gone one day with the kids, leaving me only an email stating that I needed to clean the house up and put it on the market (unless I wanted to keep it).

I never imagined how incredibly lonely the place I once called home could be. Just a big, eerily quiet, and messy house. For nearly a month, I spent my nights stuffing trash bags, cleaning the bathrooms, and going through mementos from our past life together that she no longer wanted.

Actually, the first thing I did was demand to find out where our children have gone to, and to make sure that they were fine. After that, I relented and agreed that it was best to go along with her request and put the house on the market. I personally couldn't stay there... and I couldn't afford it on my own anyways.

BUT, I'm glad that you can, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I agree that if it makes financial and practical sense to keep it, I don't see why not!

**edenequinox** · 05-28-2009, 11:31 AM

I appreciate that Broken Arrow. I will try not to take anything too personally. I knew it is a sore topic which is why it is so hard to get advice on it. Most of my friends just say stick it to him, but that's not the reason I want it. It would be lonely there, but I was used to being alone there a lot, and I love the neighborhood and its close to all my neices and nephews, right now the apartment is just far enough to be really inconveinent to see them on weekdays. But all emotions aside, I really just wonder if it would make sense financially. Everyone seems to be on the fence, including me, but its just a really hard decision.

Thanks Broken Arrow and I am sorry for what happened to you. I am just thankful that we never had children although I would love one someday.

Broken Arrow: when you said ", I'm glad that you can, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I agree that if it makes financial and practical sense to keep it, I don't see why not!" Was it because you thought I could afford it based on my budget above??? thanks for your help.

**reptile411** · 05-28-2009, 11:34 AM

It is my opinion buying a house is ALWAYS a smart financial move then dumping your money down the drain in a rental but only if you can afford it. If you can not afford it you find yourself in the same sinking ship as thousands of other Americans that lived above there means and are now loosing there homes because of it. We just got our house late last year, We are now looking at several rentals to pad the rocking chair for an early retirement, We however can afford it. As I said things ca happen fast and the ground can be ripped out from under you before you know it and just keep in mind that selling your house in this market is very hard, selling it to cover and emergency is impossible. You will end up taking your 140K house with 20% equity and emotionally dumping it to someone like me for 75K just to save yourself. Not good no matter how you look at it. Trust me I have seen it happen. The people we got our house from lost 70K off the appraisal just to save themselves from the bank when payments went up and jobs got bad. In my honest opinion you can pull it off with $600 left per month but you are walking a very fine line. According to your budget you should be able to shave half your cushion off that. Get rid of cell phone $50, Cut back on power $100, stop giving $100, stop misc $100. That gives you $950 cushion but at the same time makes you a soap opera queen where you can do nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV all day. We always set our standards very high and refuse to be so close to our paycheck that we cant hop a plane to Cancun or goto the zoo if we want. We figured if you are living so close to your means that you can enjoy life then what is the point. Thats not to say people don't to it every day though. I am sure there are people who have it far worse than you and live on far less. There is just an element of risk there that I don't like. It took me 30 years of hard work to buy a house. The opportunity for some is a lifetime of work and for far to many is a luxury they never get so I would say if at all possible keep your house and enjoy it but do what ever is in your power not to live like dirt. Lower your expenses if possible, renegotiate your student loan, refinance the house, ask for a raise. Do what ever possible to widen the financial gap.

**Ima saver** · 05-28-2009, 11:35 AM

I agree also. I think you make enough to afford that house. The important thing is to save as much money as you can for your emergency fund.

**reptile411** · 05-28-2009, 11:42 AM

That is another good point. How much do you have set aside? For all we know you have a half a million in the bank in which case you are doing well. I assume you do not though or the house and student loan would be paid already

**edenequinox** · 05-28-2009, 11:56 AM

I have only a couple thousand set aside and after a move and a divorce will probably be nothing. I know that's awful!!! I always thought of my parents as my "emergency fund" but have never had to use them thank goodness. I don't want to be the person that can't ever do anything on a whim because I love to travel, and $500 a month difference between renting and owning can make a difference in my income bracket. I always figured my other "emergency or fun" fund could be getting a second job or getting a roommate. My job is not that stressful and I could do something on the weekends since I dont have much else to do now. And I am just starting in my career so hopefully my income will go up. But its just such a thin line, its difficult. Which means I probably won't know what to do until last minute but everyone has really really helped. You dont understand how much was going through my head before ya'll gave me ideas and perspectives.

Take house in divorce? (financial Q)