In this situation would you give money to your kid?

[FrugalFish]

I don't know. This is a very interesting question- there really are no right or wrong answers, I suppose.

I look at my 3 year old DD and can't imagine not helping her out in that situation, BUT then I think about all the things that will happen between us as she grows up and becomes independent. Some things might happen that might make me feel she shouldn't have the money.

I was raised in a family where we were told to expect no inheritance. Our parents and grandparents have done very well for themselves, but would rather see that money passed on to charities. Their feelings are that they are self made (really they aren't) and that everyone else can be too. I understand to some extent, but it feels cold also- then again, that's how my family is.

As the child of the above scenario, I would certainly not expect anything. As the parent of the child in the above scenario, I would hope things were such that I would want to do that for my daughter.

[Caoineag]

I am always surprised at how much people feel entitled to someone else's money (not sure why, I am a natural cynic so you would think I would expect that from people). Parent's money is parent's money, period. Given what happened when the parents refused, I would say the parents knew their children needed to learn to stop asking for handouts and that was why they said no.

That said, I don't think parents are entitled to their children's money either.

[woodie96]

Considering the fact that the couple is in their 40's.....the 100K in the bank is nowhere near what they will need for retirement in 25 or so years. Maybe they got started saving late in life, probably partly due to overindulgence for the single child, and the 450K finally gets them where they need to be.
Yeah lil johnny could have used 10K or so for the refinance, but the 10K I don't think will make a significant difference. Maybe it would help get lil johnny qualified for the refi, but the 10K over the life of the refi and the long haul is sure a petty reason not to talk to your folks.
Seems lil johnny might have had his way most of the time growing up, and now doesn't like to be told no.

[watsoninc]

This is family not a business deal

Self-care is not the same as selfishness.

This family is clearly in need of some boundaries, and kudos to the parents for enforcing them. It's their right to do with their money what they will, and for the kids to not talk to them because of that may demonstrate how their relationship was dependent on their parent's benevolence. What jealous parasites!

I think the grown children's reaction completely reduces their relationship from family to a business transaction.

[tomer]

IMO, giving money to the kids should be limited. You should not make them use to a situation which they get money whenever they want.
Give them their money per month, in my opinion.

[swaymonae]

I don't know..

Personally, if my mom inherited a big chunk of money, was doing very well financially and I was lower middle class.. I would think that my mom would allow me a measely 10k to put towards my house...

I would be offended and hurt if she didn't...

[Zunow]

> the 100K in the bank is nowhere near what they will need for retirement

Exactly!

> 450K finally gets them where they need to be.

Really? That still seems very short to me if you want to retire in your LATE 40s? Who is retiring then anyways?!?!

To me, it doesn't seem like the parents had the money to give away, or the money to buy a $50k car...

[nanamom]

Nothing could get me to spend that much on a car, even if I had it. I would love to have the money to help our kids that way. Don't think they would ask tho.

[pikey412]

I disagree with a lot of what is being said ITT. If my child needs help, I want to give it to them. Regardless of their age or situation, you are still their parent. Shame on you all for caring so little.

I hope that someday I am in a situation financially to be able to help a child out with a measly $10k. It is definitely not worth losing touch with your child over. Both parents and child in this situation are acting immature.

[mdcrim]

I wanted to chime in. My parents are in their late 60's, retired and both pulling in social security, pensions and rental income from four investment properties. They live very frugally and don't splurge on anything (probably from years and years of careful budgeting).

My mom inherited about 500k from her brother last year. This inheritance totally secures their future. Although they were probably secure without it, this gives them the psychological security. While they will always be frugal, they won't have to pinch every single penny.

I guess they would give me the $10,000 if I asked for it but I know not to ask for it-it's theirs. In theory, eventually, I may inherit something if there is anything left over by the time they make it to the end (which could be 30 years from now). In my opinion, if they can make it to the end without me having to support them then they've accomplished what they have worked so hard for. If there's anything left, double bonus and lucky me, if they decide to leave anything to me, which is their choice.

I should also say that I have a great relationship with my parents and see them at least once a month. They have many more assets than I do but, when we go out, we do take turns on who picks up the check. That's fine with me. I'm 35 years old and too old to continue to play the "kid" card. I'm self sufficient and, hopefully by my own right, will also be comfortable in my retirement as well. I just wanted to put in my two cents and hopefully give a bit of a different perspective.

Back to the original posting, I don't know what I would personally do. I don't know enough about the parent/ child relationship and if the child is financially responsible. I think my decision would have to be based on that.

[MonkeyMama]

I disagree with a lot of what is being said ITT. If my child needs help, I want to give it to them. Regardless of their age or situation, you are still their parent. Shame on you all for caring so little.

Seriously?

Caring equates to forking over piles of cash?

Not in my world. The most caring thing my parents ever taught me was not to expect a handout. You know, it's better to teach a man to fish...

To some of the other comments, I am lost as to where the child "needed" the money. The term "need" is thrown around rather loosely. & I have no idea since when adults are entitled to other people's money. Ugh.

Let's face it - we don't know the whole story any way. One reason I would NEVER ask my parents for money is my dad grew up in poverty. If I were lower middle class as a young adult I would be miles ahead. My parents would think I should have little to complain about. This is probably one reason I cringe at the idea of expecting my parent's money. They supported me emotionally/mentally and helped me get to a wonderful place in life. They certainly have done enough and don't owe me anything further. I'll take their love and support over their money any day though. (Clearly I am an uncaring person. )

[pikey412]

I would be more than happy to help a child in need out. OP states that the child is lower middle class and fiscally responsible. Its not like you are spoiling him or giving him money to buy drugs. In fact, I think I'd offer before the child ever had to asked. That's just me though. I would never pull the "IT'S MY MONIES! NOT YOURS! YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY!" card on a child of mine.

[Seeker]

Hmmm. Resurfaced.

There's no real right or wrong answer. It really does depend on the relationship between parent and child.

You can have pride and stubborness from either side. Whether young or old.

There are individuals whom appear somewhat "needy" or "greedy" when suddenly "free" money is seen.

And there are also those, whom would never ask for money nor accept it were it offered.

Again both young and old -- we're talking about individual characteristics.

We don't know the whole story... obviously... and we don't know the personalities involved.

---

In this particular situation, he (the father parent) is "retired" or partially so (he's got a pension and full medical) though he does some jobs on the side; the mother is working at a 30k a year job. I don't know what area they are in, nor the cost-of-living stats, nor their expenses (do they save any portion of the 30k?) but I feel pretty safe in saying that they probably do not have enough for retirement at this stage.

Depending on what they plan and what the future holds for them (which incidentally has a way of foiling anyone's best laid plans), they appear to be in need of the money themselves. Though (IMO) they should be "saving" it.

Grown children, on the other hand, have more flexibility with time, careers, and things they can do to benefit themselves.

Adults in their late forties and beyond, may not have that same flexibility. As we age, our opportunities in this regard -- lessen. Sometimes drastically so; sometimes not.

---

Pikey412 -- these children are not in need. Everything seems in order; they are refiniancing to get in a better position. It was stated that they would like the 10k to knock down the total mortgage amount; this is not a necessity. In fact, if they were truely in need, it would probably be a mistake to use 10k for that purpose.

The parents' future needs (IMO), outweighs their children's desire.

Yes, it's true that purchasing a 50k auto probably was not warranted, but people sometimes "need" to do something crazy.

As the parents inherited this money, they have the complete right to determine what happens with the money legally.

I would be more than happy to help a child in need out. OP states that the child is lower middle class and fiscally responsible. Its not like you are spoiling him or giving him money to buy drugs. In fact, I think I'd offer before the child ever had to asked. That's just me though. I would never pull the "IT'S MY MONIES! NOT YOURS! YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY!" card on a child of mine.

"Caring" about your children is not usually tangled with "dollars" -- children already klnow whether or not they are/were loved. Regardless of dollars.

Would you think less or more of your children if they accepted or declined your offer to share in that gift? Food for thought.

[boosami]

To answer the question posed in the title of this post, if I were in that situation...

If they needed it, I would give it to them.
If they asked for it, I would give it to them.

If they demanded it, I would not.

Do the children have the right to be angry if they did not recieve it? Sure, just as the parents have the right to be angry for their child demanding money from them. On the other side of things, respect deserves respect.