To give or not to give

**boosami** · 10-02-2008, 07:28 AM

Hold onto the $10k and do not give it to him. You said it yourself, he is not being very responsible. Giving him a substantial amount of free money is not going to shock him into responsibility--in fact it will probably do the opposite. He's young, and needs time to get things in order. He'll eventually want to move out, buy a car, or something and that should be enough to motivate him to get his butt in gear and go to college or strive for a better career. Keep the $10k and reward him later on for responsibility--you can't induce it.

**boosami** · 10-02-2008, 07:37 AM

Here's a story about my cousin that similar to your situation...

My cousin was given $750 a month by his parents while he was in community college for living expenses. He lived in a low-rent apartment with little to no expenses, and did not require a job to sustain himself. When he graduated, he had not lined up a job. Six months after graduation, he had still not even applied anywhere! His parents continued to give him $500 a month. They didn't know what to do, because they were afraid he would be living on the street if they cut him off. They ended up giving him an ultimatum--that if he hadn't gotten any kind of job (career or otherwise) they would completely cut off the funds in X number of months. This didn't work, and they cut off the funds but he used his savings and credit cards to survive. Eventually--and I don't know if he ran out of money or credit or what--he got a job at a nearby retail store. After working at a non-career job and being completely bored, he started applying at "real" jobs. He got one, and is now being responsible and self-sufficient.

My point is that despite everyone trying to help him, yelling at him, bothering him, etc. the thing that got him motivated was from inside himself. Once he grew up enough on his own, he took that responsibility and moved forward. It took almost a year, and it was tough for all involved, but it happened.

I shudder to think of what he'd be doing today if they had never stopped giving him that monthly stipend.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 10-02-2008, 08:13 AM

I'd hold on to your son's share for a while yet.

Might there be now or in the near future a way other than school to use the money for your son? We had always kept in mind that we would be just as willing to help our son start a small business as we would help him with college. He did have some marketable skills though. Maybe your son has not ever thought to dream about his own business doing what he is good at and likes. I have no idea what that could be. Maybe he is great at go-kart and mini-bike repair. Maybe he can teach anyone any musical instrument. Maybe he would love to be a hunting and fishing guide, or run a canoe outfitting business. Maybe he can compete with the Geek Squad and build up a business in computer services. Maybe he can start a home painting business. Maybe he has more artistic painting talent and can design and paint indoor murals and commercial wall painting. Maybe he would like to open a pet kennel and day-care....

Sometimes I think being in school 12 years can actually put blinders on kids' eyes as to what is out there in the world for them and how they can go about being part of it, or even having dreams to pursue anything other than just a few stereotypical professions. How many high schoolers think they want to be a sports pro, a lawyer, doctor, actor, scientist, etc, without it occurring to them what the many, many other possibilities are. If they understand they don't want to do (or don't feel capable of) any of the few stereotypical jobs they can think of, many have trouble thinking what else they might do....By the way, many kids go to college thinking they want a specific one of those occupations yet change their minds within months---because they did not really know what they were talking about. And a lot of kids who start college never finish at all. It is not necessarily college that steers people into their careers.

I guess you can hope that your son will start looking around a bit and noticing what is out there. You can deliberately point out job categories to him just in your daily living. You can get him to skim through vocational course offerings at technical schools and community colleges....Well I imagine you are doing some of these things already. But just because he hasn't found motivation just yet I don't think should mean that you go ahead and spend "his" savings on his sister just now. This is a most promising thing that you have said: He is a hard worker at whatever job he has had.

I can tell you that sets him apart from many 18 year olds. Don't give up hope and confidence in your hard worker who hasn't found his calling yet.

**bjl584** · 10-02-2008, 08:38 AM

How about some sort of a Trust Fund that stipulates that he will get the money once he graduates college, finishes military service, etc.?

**disneysteve** · 10-02-2008, 09:16 AM

If you saved this money for him to go to college and he doesn't go to college, he doesn't get the money. Plain and simple.

I agree with everyone else. Giving him money is not the way to motivate or encourage him to do something with his life. I think The Millionaire Next Door calls it something like "financial first aid" and advises against it. Giving kids/young adults money doesn't help them want to go out and make it on their own. It delays them doing so.

I don't think an 18-year-old should be put out on the street, but I do think they should be expected to start earning their keep if they aren't continuing their education, perhaps paying something toward rent and/or household expenses and covering personal expenses like gas, car insurance, entertainment, etc.

**anonymous_saver** · 10-02-2008, 10:15 AM

First, $33,000 is a lot of money, even if it is for 2 children!

Second, feel free to give your daughter her $16,500 to pay directly towards her college costs.

Third, try to keep in mind that while you want your son to college, that doesn't always necessarily mean it's the right path for you son. Trust me, I'm a proponent of going to school, but in reality, sometimes it just isn't for everyone. Plus, it does sound like your son is pretty young. Give it a bit of time. Who knows, maybe 3 years down the road he will want to go to college, maybe not. Maybe 3 months from now he will start working at a restaurant, and want to become a restaurant manager. Try to talk to your son, and see what will make him happy. Encourage college, but don't push him to. I think that will impress him, that you are trying to find out what he wants. Keep in mind I'm just trying to have you look at this differently, I'm not saying opinions are bad!

Lastly, what do you think your son would do with this money if you gave it to him? Would he buy a house? Would he just randomly spend it? This is the kind of stuff you could probe about if you sat down and talked to him about this. I would suggest opening an online savings account (in your name) to hold aside for him. Maybe this money doesn't have to go towards college, perhaps someday you could give it to him towards a down payment on a home. That is, this money could still greatly help your son, it just may be in a different way than you originally thought.

Good luck to you and your family.

**kork13** · 10-02-2008, 11:35 AM

Encourage him to find a job! You've said he works hard and does a good job, so it seems he may just need the initial kick in the pants to actually decide on a job and start at it. Sit down and talk to him about what he wants to do, what his plans are, and how he's looking to get there. Alot of good-intending parents will push college, but as has been mentioned, college really isn't for everyone. Not everyone needs a degree to follow their passions.

While I agree you shouldn't just hand him the money saved for college, you can keep on your back burner that if there's something you can do to help him move toward a career-oriented job, then you've got that money there to help him do that. So if he wants to start a business, start at a big-city corporation, or get trained as an auto mechanic, you can look at using some of that money to back him for doing that, whatever he wants to do with himself.

Looking at it, I guess I'm mostly echoing 'Anonymous Saver' above, but I have to agree.... Put aside the money for him, and help your daughter with college. Beyond that, getting involved in working with your son to chart a course for himself could do alot of good for him--just be careful to not be overbearing, because that could backfire badly...

**Hot dog** · 10-02-2008, 12:29 PM

Thanks everyone for your responses. I just feel like cause it was his SS $ that he should get it and I am seeing the example of compound interest so that if at 18 he were to invest 10,000 if he didn't touch it it would turn into a huge amount at retirement if he didn't touch it. His car engine just went up and he has no $ saved. I matched half of what he saved when he purchased his car so don't think I want to help. I think riding a bike to work about 17 miles is good for him to teach him about the EF I kept telling him about. He has had to do it in the past and it gave him a sense of self esteem for doing the right thing. But it is getting cold

**disneysteve** · 10-02-2008, 12:51 PM

Can you clarify something? Is this money that you received in your name but earmarked for him or is it money that was paid in his name that you were just the custodian for?

If it was paid to you, I stand by what I said.

If, however, this truly is HIS money, I think that changes the story. Whether you like it or not or trust him to do the right thing or not, I think the money should go to him.

My daughter has a custodial account that will become hers when she turns 18. She knows about it and we periodically discuss how best for her to manage that money when the time comes. But no matter what she chooses to do, it will be her money to spend or save as she sees fit.

**zetta** · 10-02-2008, 01:15 PM

I believe social security for a child is usually received due to death of a parent. The money in that case is to help defray the costs of raising the child (in lieu of the financial contribution the parent would've made if he or she were alive). That you were able to save it for college does not make it "his" money, and I think it is appropriate for you to reserve it for something that will help him get a start in life -- college, trade school, business startup costs, and home downpayment are all good options.

**Hot dog** · 10-03-2008, 06:40 AM

Zetta is correct. He has never asked anything about this money nor does he even really know that I have it. He knows that I would have helped him with college but that I also told him he may have to put all loans in his name and then when the grades came back at a certain level than I would help him pay the loans.

**kork13** · 10-03-2008, 07:35 AM

Originally posted by Hot dog View Post

I just feel like cause it was his SS $ that he should get it and I am seeing the example of compound interest so that if at 18 he were to invest 10,000 if he didn't touch it it would turn into a huge amount at retirement if he didn't touch it.

I don't know much about how they work, but if you're in authority to do it (considering what DisneySteve mentioned), a trust of some sort might be a good option for you.

From what I understand of them, you're able to set the specific conditions of the trust money becoming available to him, such as reaching a certain age, or accomplishing a certain act (degree, marriage, whatever). However, I don't know how you set these up, how they can be made to grow for him, how he shows that he qualifies to receive it, and so forth. Just maybe an option to look at and get information about.

**Pitman** · 10-03-2008, 07:53 AM

This story sounds familiar to the situation with my older brother, and grandmother. She had a boatload of money set aside for him when it was time for college, and also for whatever car he wanted. Well to make a long story short, he never got a dime. She knew putting that money in his hands would've been disasterous, and being a smart woman she didn't. But ironically, that same money saved for my brother was used to help purchase my first car, and helped me with a semester of college.

No good deed goes undone.

**PrincessPerky** · 10-03-2008, 09:13 AM

I would think the matter depends on the boy... is he searching for a life goal, or happy in a low end job?

Does he have a dream? Or a talent? Is the lack of college new, or suddenly dropped? Is it lack of motivation to fill out forms, or lack of knowledge on what exactly he would want to study?

being in school of another's choosing for 12 years hardly prepares a person to choose their courses.

I personally can't see where waiting would hurt anyone. Though I can see how giving 'his' money to his sister might create some future sibling trouble...

To give or not to give