Financially devastated!

[Aleta]

Congratulations jIM_Ohio. That is great news!

[Scanner]

FrugalFish,

Good luck with your reunion. If it isn't too painful to talk about. . .can I ask you something?

YOu are right. . .I could see this going either way.

I have always wondered though the childhood resentment thing for a father working too much. My father worked rotating shift work as a boiler operator. I'll admit - there were times he couldn't make a baseball game or see me in a musical or whatever.

But I don't ever really ever remember resenting him for it, as a child or an adult. He was out doing what a father is supposed to do - provide for the family.

In a day and age where it seems fathers skip out on mothers and children, I guess I find it hard to reconcile what a father is exactly supposed to do keep the wife and kids happy. I am a Generation X-er and I guess I know we as Dads are supposed to be more active. I have found that hasn't always worked out. Maybe I am yearning for the days of my father, I don't know.

Yeah, I"d love to get the kids on the bus go to work from 10:00 a.m and get them off at 2 p.m. everyday. I doubt that's happening.

Don't mistake my tone; I am not trying to sound snide, just continuing an open-ended subject.

I'd love to put off working until I am 75 years old, and spend time with the kids while they are young, but I don't think life works that way.

[PrincessPerky]

You must have a completely different wife than me...While my husband does have to work, he is totally in the kids lives, and in on the parenting.

And honestly I am glad he works...Not that I don't miss him, but that him working shows the kids a different kind of work than Mommy does...All the examples of Mom doing laundry and such doesn't help a kid understand the money concept....nor the do your best regardless of pay topic...I could go on and on about how I feel both jobs (for self and family, and for pay) are important to understand, and very different.

Not to mention in a world where we are 'different' I need another adult voice on my side!

10-2 prolly isn't manageable, and even 6:30 -3 might not be, but if you look outside the box, and label your real priorities, you might be surprised at what you can do with the kids....Of course if your wife isn't on board, or if you aren't interested...well then never mind

[Exile]

I am not looking for a solution or help but I guess it's therapeutic to talk to strangers who don't know you because we aren't telling anyone yet.

I just found out the wife is pregnant last night. Needless to say, this is an unplanned pregnancy.

We both feel so stupid, like teenagers and we are 39 years old, like how could this happen (duh). We were just getting ahead financially and now. . .I don't know what will happen now. I can't have her work with 3 kids (and she's thinking it's twins). . .we were barely swinging with the schedule of 2 kids.

Which is good. . .she wants to stay home but benefits are the huge issue here. I don't mind working more if she gets to stay home (in fact, it would be my pleasure).

I don't know. . . my mind is whirling this morning. How are we going to be able to afford 3 colleges?

Wow. . .I can't believe it. The younger one had just gone off to pre-K this year.

Well, you think Scanner has it all together. . .this is a chance to lecture me.

(yes, part of me is happy. . .my wife looks so beautiful when she's pregnant and she's a great mom. . .she was crying last night but was better this morning)

Scanner, certainly you and your wife must realize that she does not have to go through with an unplanned pregnancy unlike years ago when women had no choice but to bring unwanted children into the world.

[Scanner]

Scanner, certainly you and your wife must realize that she does not have to go through with an unplanned pregnancy unlike years ago when women had no choice but to bring unwanted children into the world.

Exile,

Yes, we realize it and now we are stepping into the realm of ethics. I am willling to have the conversation but I think it could ignite a lot of argueing at the forum so I'll erase what I had written.

I don't want a lot of fighting/hard feelings because of me.

Right now. . .everyone is just emotional. She's in a state of denial/non-acceptance still. I talked to her tonight about it and she confessed, "I still think it's a dream and I'll wake up and find out it wasn't real." Her brain hasn't accepted it.

It goes beyond finances. . .she doesn't want a child to have to take care of "old parents" like my best friend did - he had "old parents" when growing up (speaking as a kid who hung out with them/made it a second home - their "oldness" was probably 50% a state of mind - you know how some people just seem "old" - they just plopped in front of the TV and were kind of shut-ins). In this child's 20's, we'll be in our 60's, going into 70's. That's typically during the "settling down" phase of life. We won't be able to be as good grandparents as to our oldest child and we fear being a burden to them when they aren't able to handle it.

Also, she'll see young moms in their 20's sending her kid off to kindergarden and she'll be 45 y.o. She's very self-conscious about that, for some reason, although I tell her it's fine/normal. She was self-conscious about being 39 and our kid went off to pre-K this year (rode the bus).

It's not just about the money (although I worried about it initially I guess like a typical Dad).

Well, I'm rambling. . .I kind of wish I had a pastor/priest/minister to talk to at this point.

[FrugalFish]

Hi Scanner, you said you wanted to ask me a question, but I'm not entirely sure what it was, so I'll ramble a little at my own discretion...

I don't think that the role of a father has to be as primary care giver- if it is, that's great, but really it's just about involvement. Kids want to know that they matter and that you are there for them if they need you. The importance of the father's role has been sorely undervalued IMO- most everything a girl learns about how boys should treat girls is based on how dad behaves toward women. How a boy learns to behave like a man is mostly based on learned behaviors from the primary male in his life. Dads need to model important behaviors and kids need to see them. That's where time come in.

There were some studies not too long ago that showed that kids whose dads spent 10 hours a week with them, without mom around, did better socially and academically.

I don't think my dad saw himself as important in our lives, so tended to back off and let mom deal with everything (she's a strong willed, somewhat hateful person, which didn't help). Back then (in the 70s), none of our dads were super involved, but even a little bit of involvement goes a long way. I'd say the kid just needs to know he matters to you no matter how much or little time you spend with him. And he needs to know he matters more than acquiring material goods like a 52" flat screen TV or a BMW, KWIM?

I don't think you have to put off working long hours until you are 75 (unless you're already 70). The first few years of a kids life are the most important- they gain confidence and start developing their own identity. By the time they are "tweens" these days, they would rather be off with their friends or doing something independent of you anyway. If your wife decides to quit her job to be a SAHM, couldn't she go back when the youngest in in kindergarten?

I definitely relate to your anguish about being an older parent. I'm 35 with a toddler and would like another. I live in an area where single, teenage mothers are rampant. We often joke (sadly) that our daughter will be the only one in her class whose mom and dad live together... Though there are quite a few older parents in most places nowadays, older parents really are the exception not the rule. OTOH, I can see that I am a much calmer and better grounded parent than a lot of the younger parents. I hope my DD will be a better person for it. Still I often wish I'd had kids younger, struggled through our 20s and found our groove in our 30s. Wishing won't make that so though, so we go forward from here.

GL to you with all you have on your plate.

[PrincessPerky]

Well, I'm rambling. . .I kind of wish I had a pastor/priest/minister to talk to at this point.

You know even if you do not belong to a church you can talk with their pastor(priest reverend minister, whatever)

Just grab the phone call them up (though I might avoid Sunday, seems to be a busy day for most of them) If you ever went to a church nearby try them, if not call your childhood church, or do a net search for your most familiar denomination and call em up. If they are not that helpful, try another, there are thousands of pastors in every town, some are not helpful, some are amazingly wonderful.

Or next Sunday go visit one, get a feel for the pastor, see if the sermon sounds like someone who you would feel comfortable talking to, if not try another.

[DebbieL]

Scanner,

My dad is now 78 and my mom is 69 - and they are the BEST grandparents to all their grandchildren EVER (including great grandchildren). I'm now 37, was born when mom was 32 and dad was 41 (I was their 5th kid - 9 years after the next in age to me).

The grandkids help keep them young. I don't think hardly a day goes by they aren't looking after someone's kids (they don't mind doing so). They actually have my nephew living with them. He's 17 now, and they moved him in at 13. They have a fun house full of life! You and your wife will be just fine, and I'm sure you'll be excellent grandparents to your youngest kids as well as your oldest.

[Scanner]

DebbieL,

Thanks - we are adjusting to this. It's funny - we talk about money here as it's a money forum. I am not sure if this subject has been covered before but it should - unplanned pregnancies. I know it's crass to reduce children to expenses. . .but gee. . .they are. They are expense generators and income reducers at the same time. Good subject for the future.

Everyday it's gets better. This is biggest surprise of our life. I was pretty emotional the first 3 days.

This sounds dumb but our whole family is a "2 kids" type of family. I have a sister - my wife has a brother. My aunt had 2 kids. My wife's both aunts had 2 kids. All of my cousins have 2 kids (except one who has 3 kids).

It sounds weird but I kind of thought that's all we'd ever have. Today I was excited about it, hate to say it - but thinking about names and gender. I think the wife was too but wow. . .this really changes everything.

3 is the tipping point.

[DebbieL]

My mom said after the first 2 it really didn't make much difference. I've also heard that from others. I never ventured beyond 1 myself, so can't speak from experience. Good luck!

[TBH]

Congrats, Scanner and jIM_Ohio. There must be something in the water around here. I'm almost afraid hanging out on this forum will make me get PG again.

About involved Dads:
I really, really agree that it's important not to miss your kids' early years. Okay, work, but do your best to make at least some of those little league games.

My own father worked loooong hours, and then he'd come home and exercise really hard to compensate for the stress of his job, so we barely got to see him even when he was home.

I would say take that vacation. Postpone the home improvements unless they're crucial. Don't take on a second job. And your wife may not be able to quit work completely. Maybe there's a part time job she could do that would have benefits, even if it didn't pay much, it would be worth it for the benes.