challenging question for help please

[PrincessPerky]

That sounds like a wonderful start! I am so glad to hear back from you and I am sure Jeffrey or Nate will be able to change your name if you can't yourself.

[Ima saver]

How about reading a book called debt proof living by Mary Hunt. You can get it at the library.

[Saving in So Cal]

Here are some ideas for what they're worth:

Give yourselves a weekly allowance for 'incidentals." It does not need to be much, just enough to let each of you do a little free spending (or free saving) without guilt. Your husband might not be ready to take on a whole week's worth of money at once, so pick an amount that you can dole out on a daily basis. Then, instead of giving it to him in the morning when he leaves, give it to him in the evening when he comes home. That will serve two purposes. First, it counters the message he learned as child. Second, since the earliest he can spend the money is when he leaves the house the next morning, he'll get use to having money in pocket for a bit.

For you, take your allowance and put it whereever you think it will be safe. When it reaches an amount that is twice what you need to buy a savings bond, then take half and buy a savings bond ($25 or $50). Put the savings bond (or bond paperwork) in your safe place. Repeat the cycle. Savings bonds can be cashed in easily (there are interest penalties if you cash it in early, but your principal will always be safe, which is what is important to you). With this approach, you will have some ready cash and you will also have interest-bearing bonds that are secure and reasonably liquid.

Put together an emergency bag for each of you -- what you would need if you had to leave your home on 5 minutes notice. Put in copies of your important papers, a picture of each other, a change of clothes, water, food, prescriptions, and a little cash (start with $1.00 and add to it). Your local emergency preparedness office will have suggestions of what should be in the bag. This obviously will not get you ahead financially, but it will add to your fragile sense of personal security and, based on your posts, that seems to be the underlying issue.

Along similar lines, have a trust created and durable powers of attorney for health care drawn up. If your husband has an Employee Assistance Plan at work, the plan may include this service or provide a low-cost referral. Alternatively, since you are disabled, your local Legal Aid office or a nearby law school may have offer this service for you or know where you can procure it a low-cost. There are software programs you can buy, but I wouldn't recommend them for you at this point because, even though I am an attorney, I have found them to be pretty daunting in some respects and you need peace of mind, not stress and aggravation. If you are not able to find a free or low-cost alternative, I still recommend you spend the money to have this done. The psychological benefits of knowing that your affairs are in order are enormous.

Your story and your quest have touched me. A big part of my workload involves criminal cases. Through this work, I have encountered people with backgrounds similar to, but certainly no worse than yours and your husband. Instead of doing what they could to become productive citizens, they gave up and committed horrible crimes. Most will never have another opportunity to live free and contribute to society. While you may think that you have a long way to go, you are actually extraordinarily far ahead.