Looking for advice for a family member

[jodi]

A close member of DH's family is going through a tough time right now after her husband left the household and moved to another state. She is not particularly in a hurry to get legally separated or divorced, although she has told me that this is what the husband wants. She actually doesn't care if they stay married, as he has some major health issues and probably will not be able to get affordable health insurance on his own (why she still feels responsible for him after he walked out is another whole post). But I digress...
She has mentioned some of this to me as I am known as the financial person in the family (not that I am pretending to know much, but DH's family is quite financially inept). A few of the suggestions I made was for her to change the beneficiary on her retirement account, since she would want that to go to her kids if anything happened. He took a car with him and is supposed to be sending back the plates, but has not done so yet. She is waiting for the plates to take him off of the car insurance (does anyone know if she has to turn in the plates, or can she just take him off?). She will be keeping him on her health insurance. She remains in the house, with a $35k mortgage, which she can pay herself (luckily, she was the sole breadwinner for many years and was still the primary breadwinner, so she will be able to get by).
What am I missing that I should be alerting her to? Someone mentioned the other day that if he racks up debt, they will become her responsibility. Is this true, and is there anyway around this so long as they are married? I remember some conversation as to this in the past (PricePlus??). They have had horrible credit in the past, but have been making progress on improving it. He is not being very responsible right now, so I would hate to see him hurt her any further.
I would appreciate any and all thoughts on this matter. I want to make sure we have as many bases covered as possible.

[disneysteve]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

A few of the suggestions I made was for her to change the beneficiary on her retirement account

I agree. Also on any life insurance policies.

He took a car with him and is supposed to be sending back the plates, but has not done so yet. She is waiting for the plates to take him off of the car insurance

Why wait? Take him off right away. Otherwise, she may be on the hook if he gets in an accident or something happens to the car while in his possession. The bills could fall to her and it could affect her rates.

She will be keeping him on her health insurance

VERY bad idea. If he racks up medical bills and doesn't/can't pay them, they will be her responsibility. Drop him immediately.

Someone mentioned the other day that if he racks up debt, they will become her responsibility. Is this true, and is there anyway around this so long as they are married?

Change any and all joint accounts to her alone: banks, investments, credit cards, etc. Also, remove his name from the title of the house, the cars, utilities and any other accounts she can think of. She needs to delete him from everything. I would also find out if you can notify the credit bureaus of the seperation so that he can't apply for anything using her name. As long as he knows all her personal info, he could list her as a co-applicant on loan applications or credit cards without her knowledge. She should put a block on her credit.

[Broken Arrow]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

In short, please separate the finances ASAP. I agree with Steve.

[jodi]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

She has taken him off the checking and savings accounts, and they have no credit cards (thankfully - got rid of them a few years ago when they went through credit counseling). There are also no investments that I know of. I will mention the credit block to her, although I have the feeling she will be hesitant to do anything yet.
As for the medical insurance, I don't think she will budge. He has had several heart attacks, stents, and a bypass. I know she would carry a huge amount of guilt if she took him off and something happened.
As far as the car goes, she is under the impression that she has to turn the plates in to the DMV and get the car off the road before she can take him off their insurance. Anyone know if this is accurate?
Thank you.

[disneysteve]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

As for the medical insurance, I don't think she will budge. He has had several heart attacks, stents, and a bypass. I know she would carry a huge amount of guilt if she took him off and something happened.
As far as the car goes, she is under the impression that she has to turn the plates in to the DMV and get the car off the road before she can take him off their insurance. Anyone know if this is accurate?
Thank you.

She just needs to understand that she remains responsible for medical bills incurred by him since she is the policy holder.

As for the car, who owns the vehicle? Is it in her name or his? That might make a difference. I hate to suggest this, but it might be best for her to call her agent and discuss the situation with him/her. She really needs to protect herself and having him off driving a car that she is insuring isn't a good situation.

[poundwise]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member


Not to completely digress but before we go on giving advice on how to separate and protect, is it possible you could do anything to help them with their relationship? I'm not going to ask why he left, what else is involved, etc. but it has been my experience that not everyone who 'splits up' for a time ends up divorced or legally separated. Is there any hope on that front? Have they considered counseling? They did it for their credit. How about their marriage?

[HalMd]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

She needs to check her credit report often. Her ex may be able to use his/her information to open credit cards and lines of credit without her knowedge.

[Broken Arrow]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

That's a very good point, Poundwise!

Still, I'm in the camp of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

Separating the finances now doesn't mean that they can't rejoin their finances later on.

[fairy74]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

Regarding the plates, it depends on the state in FL you must return the plates asap or they turn into pitbulls, other states do not have this requirement. If she is concerned about it she should contact the DMV. Seperating the finances may not be enough in some states as unless there is a legal seperation the partner who makes more is still responsible for the care and maintenance of the lower paid spouse (they do get a credit for this in divorce proceedings if it goes that far). I have a feeling her resistance to dropping healthcare, following up with DMV, etc...may be because she is not over the marriage and is hoping to work things out...as willing as you are to help out, much of your advice may fall on deaf ears---hopefully things work out for the best for everyone concerned.

[vsjhoc]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

I thought that if you are married, you can't make the 401k beneficiary anyone other than your spouse unless your spouse consents in writing. True?

[scfr]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

If she stays married to him, she will probably not be able to change the beneficiary on her retirement account unless he signs off on it.

Even if she doesn't want to get divorced, she may want to consult with an attorney regarding her rights & responsibilities, because they vary so much by state. [For example, some states are community property states and some are not.]

[mom-from-missouri]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

Slow down ya all. There are big legal issues here that differ from state to state. I went thru almost the exact same thing with my first husband.
In Missouri, by law, I could not remove my husband off of my health insurance or auto insurance as long as we were still legally married. It did not matter that he no longer lived in the same home. It did not matter that for a while I had no idea where he did live.
To get him off of the house and off my auto, he had to sign quick claim papers during the divorce proceeding. Then, I still had to do a refinace to have his name removed off the mortgage. All the quick claim does is get ones name off the deed or title--but it does NOT release you from loans or mortgages.
In MO, I could not remove my spouse from my life insurance thru my employeer until after the divorce.
I could not get his name off of the bank accounts, or even close the account without him being present and signing paperwork,
I had to close all my credit accounts to get his name off my Sears and Visa. I then had my attorney run a credit check, and then we discovered he had opened a new Sears and Mastercard (before the divorce, but after he moved out) and had my name on them--forged of course.
You also need to let your county know, or you will be paying personal property tax on his vehicle. If his name is on the title, it has to be removed BY him, in front of a notary.
Make sure if there is a mortage company that you get the 1098 sent to you. They only will send it to the FIRST name on the mortage--if its him, he gets it and claims it on the taxes..

[bjl584]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

Depends on the state your in. Tort law usually states that a party can seek legal remedy for all parties involved in the wrong doing. If the husband racks up debt on a joint account, then the creditor has the legal right to go after him, her, or both. They are allowed to go after who ever they have the best chance of getting repayment from. That would probably be her. His name has to be removed from all wills, accounts, etc. Your friend is going to run into some issues with the health insurance. If they are still legally married a creditor may be able to go after them and any joint assets that they have. It may not matter that the house or bank accounts are no longer in his name at that point. There are three legal entities when talking about a marriage. His estate, her estate, and their joint estate. It depends on the state as to how the procedure would go if someone wanted to sue. To make a long story short, she should file for divorce and cut him loose.

[jodi]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

Not to completely digress but before we go on giving advice on how to separate and protect, is it possible you could do anything to help them with their relationship? I'm not going to ask why he left, what else is involved, etc. but it has been my experience that not everyone who 'splits up' for a time ends up divorced or legally separated. Is there any hope on that front? Have they considered counseling? They did it for their credit. How about their marriage?

Sigh. I wish this could somehow go back to the way it was, but the sad fact is that he mentally and emotionally left the marriage three years ago (after thirty-some years). He just decided to physically leave about a month ago (on one days notice). I believe there was counseling in the past, but to no avail. Something has changed with the husband, who also seems to have divorced himself from his children and grandchildren, as well as his wife.
I think she was glad to see him go, as they had not been living truely as a married couple for a long time. However, I think that if it came to it, she will also allow him to move home as "it's his home too", but not because she has any hope for the marrige (IMO).

[jodi]

Re: Looking for advice for a family member

She needs to check her credit report often. Her ex may be able to use his/her information to open credit cards and lines of credit without her knowedge.

That's a great idea. I am going to suggest that to her. I'm sure she doesn't get her credit report regularly, so she should be able to get her free annual reports.