What to do about nephews

**wincrasher** · 02-08-2009, 08:22 AM

Oh,

There is the option of just staying out of it, minding my own business. Do some of you feel this way?

**MonkeyMama** · 02-08-2009, 08:43 AM

I'm kind of in the "mind your own business" category. Now that you ask. LOL. I was having trouble formulating a reply. But yeah, that sums it up.

I think if you want to put extra money aside with the idea to offer it down the road, that is swell. But I think I would keep it in your name and just keep it secret. & know even if you offer the money down the road it may not be accepted. I wouldn't be pushy about it or demanding how they money was used. (That's the thing about gifts like that the strings that are often attached).

But yeah, it's just a sticky kind of thing. I think it is a wonderful gift if you can offer to swoop in and help down the road if they end up needing it. But maybe they won't need it, and I wouldn't put all that money in their name or tell them about it ahead of time. It really should be their responsibility (theirs or their kids). That's my opinion!

**paladin** · 02-08-2009, 11:32 AM

Originally posted by MonkeyMama View Post

I'm kind of in the "mind your own business" category. Now that you ask. LOL. I was having trouble formulating a reply. But yeah, that sums it up.

I think if you want to put extra money aside with the idea to offer it down the road, that is swell. But I think I would keep it in your name and just keep it secret. & know even if you offer the money down the road it may not be accepted. I wouldn't be pushy about it or demanding how they money was used. (That's the thing about gifts like that the strings that are often attached).

But yeah, it's just a sticky kind of thing. I think it is a wonderful gift if you can offer to swoop in and help down the road if they end up needing it. But maybe they won't need it, and I wouldn't put all that money in their name or tell them about it ahead of time. It really should be their responsibility (theirs or their kids). That's my opinion!

Yeah, what MonkeyMama said!

**wincrasher** · 02-09-2009, 05:53 PM

Thought this might get more response, so I'll try bumping it - just this once.

I can see your viewpoints, I've been struggling with it for months - can definately see the advantage of keeping it quiet.

Not really planned on attaching "strings" - just the expectation that it be spent on a university education.

The only downside I can see with setting up something formal - what if one kid want's a state college, and one wants to go to Duke or something that is much more expensive? Is it really unfair to the kid going to the cheap school if I pay for the other one to go to an expensive one?

BTW, if one decides not to go to college, wants to be a tradesman or something - I certainly wouldn't have a problem with it - but I wouldn't just give him the money either.

**disneysteve** · 02-09-2009, 06:16 PM

I like the idea of keeping it in your own name and giving it to them later. You do need to let them know, though, because knowing that this money exists would probably alter their choice of colleges. If they think they've got very little to work with, they would probably restrict themselves to cheap local schools. If they know there is a chunk of money available, they could broaden their horizons.

Also, keeping it in your name means it won't enter into any financial aid determinations for them.

**wincrasher** · 02-09-2009, 06:21 PM

I know. That's part of what I'm struggling with.

**scfr** · 02-09-2009, 09:14 PM

Well, I too hope to stash some money away for my niece & nephew. I will keep it secret. My plan/hope is to pay their FINAL year of school. If my niece & nephew can (together with my sister) figure out a way to manage the first 3 years on their own, then I figure they have truly earned my help. This may make me sound like a horrible aunt, but I don't want to scrimp and save for them just to have them drop out after a year or two, and I want them to really put forth a serious effort on their own to get themselves through school with financial aid and working.

However, I should add that I do send money to my sister for Christmas, birthdays, and Valentine's Day that she puts in their Coverdell ESAs. So, I contribute a little above the table, out in the open.

(My understanding is that there is no gift tax if you pay directly to the educational institution.)

**disneysteve** · 02-10-2009, 04:38 AM

Originally posted by scfr View Post

I want them to really put forth a serious effort on their own to get themselves through school with financial aid and working.

I think this is a matter of opinion and depends on the individual kid. If someone came to me with an offer to pay part of my college costs, the last thing I would have done was slack off. Knowing someone else was paying would have made me even more determined to do a good job so as not to disappoint the person who gave the money.

I also hope my daughter won't need to work to pay for college. College is tough enough without having a job to worry about. I want her to be fully focused on school, both academic and social aspects. I don't want her to do poorly on a test or miss a big school event because she has to go flip burgers somewhere. I'd rather send her to a cheaper school where she won't have to work than a more costly school where she will have to work.

Just personal opinion, though, and I realize that others disagree with me on this issue.

**scfr** · 02-10-2009, 07:21 AM

Originally posted by disneysteve View Post

I think this is a matter of opinion and depends on the individual kid. If someone came to me with an offer to pay part of my college costs, the last thing I would have done was slack off. Knowing someone else was paying would have made me even more determined to do a good job so as not to disappoint the person who gave the money.

I also hope my daughter won't need to work to pay for college. College is tough enough without having a job to worry about. I want her to be fully focused on school, both academic and social aspects. I don't want her to do poorly on a test or miss a big school event because she has to go flip burgers somewhere. I'd rather send her to a cheaper school where she won't have to work than a more costly school where she will have to work.

Just personal opinion, though, and I realize that others disagree with me on this issue.

Yes - I too see that there are legitimate arguments on both sides. However, I know that both my sister (the mother of the niece & nephew in question) and I worked through college. Also, based on what I personally saw at the school I attended, many of the students I knew who had all of their expenses paid for by their parents did indeed slack off. None of the students I knew who had to work through school did.

Also, since it's MY money, you could say it is like a "personal scholarship" and I get to set the criteria.

This is not to say that I would be inflexible. If, for example, either my niece or nephew turn out to have a learning disability that forces them to work twice as hard at school, I would of course take that in to consideration. But if they are as intelligent and capable as I expect them to be given who their parents are, then if they aren't willing to work and shoulder some of the financial burden themselves, I won't be willing to help them out.

BTW - What I did was work 2 jobs during the summer. Work and sleep was basically all I did during my summers. During the school year, I worked an on-campus job, just a couple shifts a week. My sister worked more like 30 hours a week during the school year, but it was a job where she was mostly just required to be physically present; she was able to do quite a bit of studying on the job. There are work options that don't require interference with studies.

**Ima saver** · 02-10-2009, 08:03 AM

I agree with the others. I would keep the money in your own name and keep it to yourself. I too, worked during college (full time) and it did not hurt me one bit.

**momof1in150** · 02-10-2009, 08:23 AM

My sister puts money away for my boys every month for college. The money is her name but is designated in her will for them. She does this instead of birthday and Christmas gifts. She doesn't have children of her own and has a very successful company so this is something she wants to do. She also knows that keeping it her name won't hurt their financial picture when it comes to financial aid.

**QueenOphelia** · 02-10-2009, 08:24 AM

Open up a 529B in each of their names. Because the donor retains control over the gift, it can be taken back at any time after paying a federally mandated 10% penalty.

The kids withdraw the money tax-free. Look into it...it's a pretty neat savings tool.

**QueenOphelia** · 02-10-2009, 08:32 AM

Originally posted by Ima saver View Post

I agree with the others. I would keep the money in your own name and keep it to yourself. I too, worked during college (full time) and it did not hurt me one bit.

There are MUCH better saving tools that will benefit the children. College is so much more expensive now than it was 40 years ago.

Kids need to get money from anywhere they can, but working full time IMHO should be a last resort..especially if you go to a decent school that is demanding. Maybe you can work full time and go to community college, but try that at any major university and you'll be heading for disaster. (or a career as a food server!

)

**FrugalFish** · 02-10-2009, 08:36 AM

Just my opinion, but I think the way to go is to save and invest it for yourself and if you feel generous when the time comes, and you see a need, you can offer a gift. No need to tell anyone about it now. A lot can change in the next couple of years before college.

What if one or both choose different routes than college? If they know the money is there waiting for them to go to college, they might feel beholden and not follow their heart. What if the kid turns into a serious slacker and you don't think they will use the gift wisely?

As a parent, I might be offended if a relative sought to do more for my child than I am. It's great that you want to do something like this, but is it possible that your sister (and her DH) might feel belittled by your generosity? I would seek to avoid those feelings- once again, a gift given in the moment of need might reduce those feelings.

That's JMHO, take it FWIW.

What to do about nephews