Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

**Broken Arrow** · 07-23-2006, 08:07 PM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

Wow. Good for you both.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when my parents get older. However, they've always been rather independant and they're financially very stable, so, hopefully that will help when they get older.

**poundwise** · 07-24-2006, 04:32 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

You certainly should have kept some money for her care. And, if her children are as you say, she could have given the money to her church or a charity.

Ah well, the important thing is that you have taken her in and are caring for her. Believe me, it will get trying at times. Just always try to keep in mind the golden rule and imagine it were you needing care. Treat her with respect and allow her to retain her dignity. Understand though, you have taken on a task that is sure to be difficult at times. May God bless you. You are doing right in a culture that increasingly ignores and disrespects its eldery. Bravo!

**PrincessPerky** · 07-24-2006, 05:38 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

I have never had to do that....but I think about it alot, I don't think I could do the nursing home thing..but then I can'tt live with my mom ..

Anyway one thing I notice..old people are like the opposite of young..when my kid does something wrong, or when I change UEs diaper, I know it won't be long before they can do it themselves, or grow out of the whining..but for an old person..once you start changing diapers you will be for life...however long that may be...

That sounds depressing, but I think if you go into it with eyes wide open, and especially with some time for breaks...well you have more patience than I do!

**scrava** · 07-24-2006, 08:36 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

do you have a space on the 1st floor that you could convert for granny when the time
comes that she will need to be there?

**vishenda** · 07-24-2006, 09:46 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

Oh I salute you for having a warm heart...shes part of the family..look at her as your biological mother/parents who once or for most of their lives have guarded and guided you....promise I do appreciate what you're doing...
Godbless
extend my sincerest regards to your nanny=)

**contrary1** · 07-24-2006, 10:09 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

Blessings to you for making this decision. I'm a firm believer in mixing up the generations.
First off, I would find things for her to do. Jobs, tasks, chores........whatever you want to call them. Make it clear she is part of the household & you can use her help. Everyone wants to be needed, find a way for her to really feel useful.
Reading to children or listening to kids read are both helpful..........prepping items for meals, folding laundry, there are tons of things that can be put on her "list". The longer people are useful and active, the better off everyone is.

Just my 2 cents........

**cschin4** · 07-24-2006, 10:59 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

Best of luck. Hope it works out well. Is she moving in with you willingly? Or, is this her only alternative. If she is not happy about the idea, it may be a difficult transition.
I personally would not assign her any "chores". I think it would be better to let things evolve and see what she is capable of and likes to do. Most people will do chores on their own. My mom always just washes dishes, etc when she comes over. If she is not inclined to do this, than putting chores upon her may just frustrate you and her. Just my opinion.
Make sure you all have your own personal space. She will want time alone as will you.
And, since she has made it to 94, she knows a thing or two about taking care of herself. Don't try to change her ways, diet, etc. Respect that she is capable of making her own decisions even if you don't agree.
As for care she may need, you may not even end up in a situation as you descibe. She could be healthy and alert until her last day on earth. However, it is a good idea that you have thought and prepared.
I am not sure you why you have already divided up her estate. I don't think that is wise to do in advance. And, your wife should surely get an equal share. If she is not, then this may result in long term hard feelings for your wife. I think you should have thought that out a little more before opting out. Her care could potentially be expensive and a financial burden to you. Better to leave the money in their name and in their estate in my opinion.

**Kirbycruiser** · 07-24-2006, 11:38 AM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

I took in my best friend and her children last year after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My Great Grandmother will turn 90 in October. You have no idea how long this will be a part of your life and it will be difficult. It can also be a blessing.
The best advice I can give is this....
1) Don't care about what other people say. Even though they will have no idea what you are sacrificing and they won't be around when things get bad, it wont stop them from acusing you of doing it for the money. Even if you spend every dollar of your own to do this there will still be those who will accuse you. So do it from your heart, keep those you trust and those who support you close. DONT worry about what anyone else thinks.
2) She will eventually need facilities on the first floor. How long from now is anyones guess but you should plan for those arrangements to be made in the future.
3) Try to cherish every day as a gift.
Good Luck! God Bless You!

**pyotr** · 07-24-2006, 06:02 PM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

Appreciate all the encouraging words and believe me we are doing this with great trepidation. Unfortunately the money she had was a huge toxin poisoning the entire family's relationship. Sometimes it's amazing how selfish and evil people (even family) can be. There was no way we could lay claim to some of her money even for her own care without getting it from all sides. I am not rich, but am better off than most others in the family so we felt we had to step up to the plate if we wanted to keep granny from going into a nursing home. I've seen probably 20-30 nursing homes in my lifetime including several upscale ones and I've never seen one I could imagine living in myself. Once an oldster becomes totally demented and can't tell (usually) where they are, then I think a nursing home is just as good as anywhere else, otherwise, it's no place for a thinking human being to die in - that was our feeling but nobody else in the family shared it.

**kealina** · 07-25-2006, 12:31 PM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

it's so great that she has you guys to be there for her at the end of her life... i know that you guys are the only ones that are gonna have peace of mind after she passes... and i'm sure she's glad to know that you guys love her that much and are willing to be there for her even without the money... i wish it would have been more possible for you guys to keep some for her care but i do understand that the drama would have sucked...
i have seen how bad people can be... i know one family where the parents died and the siblings (all 7 or 8 of them) fought and now over 10 years later they are all divided... every sibling only talks to some of the other siblings... stupid...
i know another family where the rich sibling didn't take care of her mom while her poor sibling did... then when their mom passed away it was too late... the rich one paid for a big fancy funeral but still felt bad... of course, not bad enough... she was still greedy and demanded her mom's rolex... *sigh*
honestly, i for one will never understand it... i wasn't raised that way at all...
Quote from my mom (i think) "you can always get more money but you only have one family"... although we didn't have a lot of money we were raised with pretty strong ethics and i just hate that kind of drama...bleh

i personally only know one monied family where they don't indulge in that kind of drama... i hope it always stays that way...

**boefixepa** · 07-25-2006, 01:40 PM

Re: Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9

I can understand the money situation and it is sad that it happens that way...this why when (I refuse to use if) I am comfortable financially no one in my family (including and most importantly my immediate family) will know the extent of my money and I will have a very detailed will as to where any funds will go.

I salute you for taking her in and giving her the end of life care you would want, may it be the blessing for you that it was for my mother in caring for her aging mother. Chances are you will eventaully have to convert an area on the first floor, making those 'in case' plans will make any needed adjustments smoother. I would also make sure you are aware of where you can get in home care assistence, the cost, and such. Looking, picking and choosing now will make is easier when the need arises, if it does. Also, make sure you know what her insurance will cover and what it will not.

If she hasn't already named you or your spose as her 'medical' ohhh...what's the word...it's a legal documents that names you or spouse and gives you the legal right to make all decisions regarding her health care....do it now! Don't wait until she's out of it and you get into another family battle.

Arrange and pay for all funeral expenses while she can help you plan if she's alright with that. As least make sure you have the burial plot where she want to be laid to rest.

Most of all love her and cherish her as long as you can and may it come back to a thousand times over!!!

Any words of advice about taking in oldsters?9